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HCENIXIANA 


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NEW  YORK  :   D.  APPLETON    &    CO. 


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^"3  -/£•£ 

PHCENIXIANA; 


OK, 


SKETCHES  AND  BURLESQUES 


JOHN  PHOENIX. 


In  the  name  of  the  Prophet  —  Fiae.  "* 


TH:RTEEXTH  EDITION. 


NEW   YORK: 
D.    APPLETON    AND    COMPANY. 

1,  3,  AND  5  BOND  STREET. 

1889. 


ENTERED,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1S55, 

BY  D.  APPLETON  &  CO., 

In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States 
for  the  Southern  District  of  New  York. 


"5 


1 3  1941 


TO 
J)R.  CHAULES  M.  H1TCHCUCK, 

OF  SAN  FRANCISCO, 
MY   EARLIEST,    KINDEST,    AND   MOST  CONSTANT   FRIETvD, 


ABE  AFFECTIONATELY   DEDICATRD 
BY 

THE  AUTHOB, 


PREFACE. 


THIS  book  is  merely  a  collection  of  sundry  sketches, 
recently  published  in  the  newspapers  and  magazines 
of  California.  They  were  received  with  approval,  sep- 
arately, and  it  is  to  be  hoped  they  may  meet  with  it 
on  their  appearance  in  a  collected  form.  When  first 
published,  the  Author  supposed  he  had  seen  arid  heard 
the  last  of  them,  but  circumstances  entirely  beyond 
his  control  have  led  to  their  republication. 

The  Author  does  not  flatter  himself  that  he  has 
made  any  very  great  addition  to  the  literature  of  the 
age,  by  this  performance  ;  but  if  his  book  turns  out  to 
be  a  very  bad  one,  he  will  be  consoled  by  the  reflec- 
tion that  it  is  by  no  means  the  first,  and  probably  will 
not  be  the  last  of  that  kind,  that  has  been  given  to 
the  Public.  Meanwhile,  this  is,  by  the  blessing  of 


6  PREFACE. 

Divine  Providence,  and  through  the  exertions  of  the 
Immortal  Washington,  a  free  country  ;  and  no  man 
can  be  compelled  to  read  any  thing  against  his  inclina 
tion.     With  unbounded  respect  for  every  body, 
The  Author  remains, 

JOHN  PHGENIX. 

BAN  FBANCISCO,  July  **,  1856 


A  WORD  TO  THE  READER. 

I  r  is  propei  to  state,  that  while  the  following  pages  are 
collected  with  the  permission  of  the  Author,  and  thus  pre- 
sented in  a  book-form,  he  has  yet  himself  not  been  consulted 
in  any  manner  in  relation  to  the  order  of  arrangement  of  its 
contents ;  and  it  is  quite  probable,  that  his  severer  taste  and 
better  judgment  might  have  operated  to  exclude  some  things 
which  are  here  embraced.  The  Editor  can  only  say,  that 
preparing  the  volume  hastily  for  the  press,  he  has  done  the 
best  he  could  in  the  premises ;  and  only  begs  that  the  sin  of 
omission  or  of  commission  that  may  be  observable  in  these 
pages,  should  not  be  visited  upon  the  head  of  the  Author. 

J.  J.  A. 

SJLN  DIEGO   CAL.  October  1856. 


CONTENTS. 


not 

OFFICIAL  REPORT  OF  PROFESSOR  JOHN  PHOSNIX,  A.  M ,.       13 

Of  a  Military  Survey  and  Reconnoissance  of  the  Route  from  San  Fran- 
cisco to  the  Mission  of  Dolores,  made  with  a  view  to  ascertain  the 
practicability  of  connecting  those  points  by  a  Railroad. 

A  NEW  SYSTEM  OF  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR, 32 

MUSICAL  REVIEW  EXTRAORDINARY, 42 

Theatrical  Criticism— The  Performance  of  Tarbox's  "  Ode  Symphonic," 
"  The  Plains,"  at  the  San  Diego  Odeon. 

LECTURES  ON  ASTRONOMY, 51 

Introductory— Chapter  I.  The  Sun.  Chapter  II.  Mercury,  Venus,  the 
Earth,  the  Moon. 

PISTOL  SHOOTING — A  COUNTER  CHALLENGE, 67 

ANIIDOTE  FOR  FLEAS, 71 

PlHENIX  AT  THE  MISSION  DOLORES, 73 

SQTJIBOB  IN  BENICIA, r 78 

SQUIBOB  IN  SONOMA, 8F 


1 0  CONTENTS. 

PJflB 

SQCIBOE  IN  SAN  FRANCISCO, 89 

PIKENIX  INSTALLED  EDITOR  OF  THE  SAN  DIEGO  HERALD, 95 

His  Salutatory— Mr.  Kerren  and  the  Chaplain— The  Squire's  Story— Ad- 
vertises for  a  Library— The  Comedy  of  Errors— Interview  between 
Governor  Bigler  and  Judge  Ames— The  San  Diego  Boys  run  forty- 
eight  hours — Phoenix  advertises  for  a  Servant — An  apt  Quotation- 
Charley  Poole's  "Water—"  Many  a  Slip  'tween  the  Cup  and  the  Lip  " 
-Discourses  on  Matters  Political— Receives  a  Communication  from 
'Loonidas" — Comments  thereon — An  incident  of  the  Election— A 
Game  of  Poker— Courageous  Attack  on  a  Spaniard — A  Syllogism — 
Return  of  the  Editor— Phoenix's  Valedictory— Defends  his  erratic  Ed- 
itorial comse,  and  finally  turns  Democrat — Interview  between  the 
fiditor  and  Phoenix — Desperate  Personal  Encounter,  in  which  both 
parties  get  badly  beaten — The  matter  amicably  settled  "  without  pre- 
juJice  to  the  honor  of  either  party." 

ILLUSTRATED  NEWSPAPERS, > 116 

Phoenix  'vsue..  an  Illustrated  edition  of  the  Herald— Magnificent  and 
costly  engra\itigs,  including  the  celebrated  first  interview  between 
Mrs.  Harriet  Bcecher  Stowe  and  the  Duchess  of  Sutherland— 
Landseer's  View  of  a  San  Diego  Ranch. 

SANDYAGO — A  SOLOQUY, 124 

FOURTH  OF  JULY  CELEBRATION  IN  SAN  DIKGO, , 126 

Procession— Oration— Dinner,  &c. 

MIIXANCHOLY  ACCIDENT, 129 

Death  of  a  Young  Man— Mr.  Mudge's  Durge  on  the  Deth  of  the  Same— 
Also  an  Epitaff. 

SECOND,  THIRD  AND  FOURTH  EDITIONS  OF  THE  PICTORIAL  HERALD,     133 
A  FULL  ACCOUNT  OF  THE  FORMATION  OF  THE  SAN  FRANCISCO  AN- 

TTQUARIAN  SOCIETY,  AND  CALIFORNIA  ACADEMY  OF  ARTS  AND 

SCIENCES, , t38 


CONTENTS.  1 1 

PAGi 

THE  LADIES'  RELIEF  SOCEITY, 146 

Extraordinary  Proceedings— Strong-minded  Women— Phoenix  horror' 
stricken  at  finding  his  wife  among  them — He  swoons — Is  discovered 
«md  is  unceremoniously  kicked  out  of  the  Room. 

INAUGURATION  OF  THE  NEW  COLLECTOR  OF  CUSTOMS,  IN  SAN  FRAN- 
CISCO.    TREMENDOUS  EXCITEMENT! .'..     151 

SQUIBOB  "DOWNON"  STREET  INTRODUCTIONS 161 

SQUTBOB  AT  THE  PLAY, 1G6 

What  he  saw  and  heard  there— Another  Squibob  in  the  Field— The  origi- 
nal is  killed  by  the  Evening  Journal— An  instructive  Fable. 

THE  LITERARY  CONTRIBUTION  Box, 172 

Lines  to  Lola  Montea. 

A.  VERY  MOURNFUL  CHAPTER, 176 

Giving  the  particulars  of  Squibob's  Death— A  Spiritual  Medium  ex- 
perimenting with  the  Corpse— Judge  Edmonds  thrown  completely 
In  the  shade— Startling  Manifestations — Squibob  Resurrected !— His 
Last  "Words — Ele  expires  for  the  last  time  "positively  without  re- 
serve.1' 

RETURN  OF  THE  COLLECTOR  FROM  STOCKTON, 181 

Thrilling  and  Frantic  Excitement  among  Office-Seekers — Procession  and 
Speech. 

PHOSNIX  TAKES  AN  AFFECTIONATE  LEAVE  OF  SAN  FRANCISCO, 188 

f  HtENIX  IS  ON  THE  SEA, 194 

The  Steamer  Northerner — Capt.  Isham — Dick  "Whi'ing,  the  ne  plus  ul- 
tra of  Steamboat  Captains— The  Downfall  of  a  brace  of  "  Snobs"— 
Curses,  loud  and  deep— Arrival  at  San  Diego. 


12  CONTENTS. 


IN  SAN  DIEGO,  .....................................................     201 

Description  of  the  Plaza  —  Prediction  as  to  its  Future  Importance  —  Old 
Town—  Who  he  met  there,  and  what  he  thought  of  tbem,  &c.,  &c. 


CAMP  REMINISCENCES,  ........................................................     209 

Dennis  Mulligan  and  the  Owl—  A  Dinner;  choice  of  Dishes—  Col.  S  - 
at  Church,  thinking  aloud—  Col.  Magrudcr's  Serenade  Party  :  "My 
name  is  Jake  Keyser." 

JOHN  PIICKNIX  TO  TIIK  "PIONEER,"  .......................................     216 

Pulaski  Jacks—  Call  and  Tuttle—  The  Washington  Ladies'  Depository. 

BKVIEW  OF  NEW  BOOKS,  .....................................................     220 

Life  and  Times  of  Joseph  Brower  the  elder. 

PIUENIX  AT  BENICIA,  .........................................................     22$ 

The  Methodist  Elder—  Dr.  Tushmaker's  Invention—  Its  Application- 
Fatal  Consequences  —  Maritime  Anecdote  —  The  Schooner  "  Two  Su- 
sans "  a^.d  Miss  Tarbox. 

LECTURES  ON  ASTRONOMY  (Continued),  ....................................     236 

Correspondence  —  Mars  —  Jupiter  —  Saturn  —  Herschel  —  Neptune  —  The 
Asteroids—  The  Fixed  Stars. 

A  LEGEND  OF  THE  TEHAMA  HOUSE,  ......................................     254 

INTERESTING 


PHffiNIXIANA. 


OFFICIAL   EEPOKT 

OF 

PROFESSOR  JOHN  PHCENIX,  A.  M. 

Of  a  MVatary  Survey  and  Reconnaissance  of  the  route,  from  San  Francisco  to  fh* 

Mission  of  Dolores,  made  with  a  view  to  ascertain  the,  practicability 

of  connecting  those  points  by  a  Railroad.* 

MISSION  OF  DOLORES,  Feb.  15,  1355. 

IT  having  been  definitely  determined,  that  the  great  Rail- 
road, connecting  the  City  of  San  Francisco  with  the  head  of 
navigation  on  Mission  Creek,  should  be  constructed  without 
unnecessary  delay,  a  large  appropriation  ($120,000)  waa 
granted,  for  the  purpose  of  causing  thorough  military  ex- 
aminations to  be  made  of  the  proposed  routes.  The  routes, 
which  had  principally  attracted  the  attention  of  the  public, 
were  "  the  Northern,"  following  the  line  of  Brannan  Street, 
"  the  Central,"  through  Folsom  Street,  and  "  the  extreme 
Southern,"  passing  over  the  "  Old  Plank  Road  "  to  the  Mis- 

*  The  Mission  Dolores  is  only  2|  miles  from  the  City  Hall  of  San  Francisco,  and 
•  favorite  suburban  locality,  lying  within  the  limits  of  the  City  Survey.  This  fact 
noted  for  the  benefit  of  distant  readers  of  these  sketches. 


14          OFFICIAL  REPORT  ON  CENTRAL  ROUTE. 

sion.  Each  of  these  proposed  routes  has  many  enthusiastic 
advocaies ;  but  "  the  Central "  was,  undoubtedly,  the  favorite 
of  the  public,  it  being  more  extensively  used  by  emigrants 
from  San  Francisco  to  the  Mission,  and  therefore  more 
widely  and  favorably  known  than  the  others.  It  was  to  tbo 
examination  of  this  route,  that  the  Committee,  feeling  a  con- 
fidence (eminently  justified  by  the  result  of  my  labors)  in  my 
experience,  judgment  and  skill  as  a  Military  Engineer,  ap- 
pointed me  on  the  first  instant.  Having  notified  that  Honor- 
able Body  of  my  acceptance  of  the  important  trust  confided 
to  me,  in  a  letter,  wherein  I  also  took  occasion  to  congratu- 
late them  on  the  good  judgment  they  had  evinced,  I  drew 
from  the  Treasurer  the  amount  ($40,000)  appropriated  for 
my  peculiar  route,  and  having  invested  it  securely  in  loans 
at  three  per  cent  a  month  (made,  to  avoid  accident,  in  my 
own  name),  I  proceeded  to  organize  my  party  for  the  ex- 
pedition. 

In  a  few  days  my  arrangements  were  completed,  and  my 
scientific  corps  organized,  as  follows  : — 

JOHN  PHCENIX,  A.  M.         .        .        .        Principal  Engineer  and  Chief  Astronomer. 
LIEUT.  MINUS  ROOT  1  AP°cryPhal  Engineers.    First  Assistant  A* 

I         tronomer. 

LIEUT.  NONPLUS  A.  ZERO  .               .  $  Hypercritical  Engineers. 

I         Astronomer. 

DR.  ABRAHAM  DUNSHUNNER         .  Geologist 

DR.  TARGEE  HEAYYSTEBNE               .  Naturalist. 

HERE  VON  DER  WEEGATES    .        .  Botanist 

DR.  FOGY  L.  BIGGUNS        .               .  Ethnologist 

DR.  TUSUMAKER     ....  Dentist 

ENKT  HALFRED  JINKINS,  E.  A.          ,  { 

ADOIPII.  KRAUT    ....  )  Draft8™^ 

Hi  FUN Interpreter. 

JAMTB  PHCENIX,  (my  elder  brother)  Treasurer. 

JOSEPH  PHCEM^         ditto,        .        .  Quarter-Master. 


OFFICIAL    REPORT   ON    CENTRAL    ROUTE. 

WILLIAM  PIUENIX,  (younger  brother) ComiM«sary. 

PKTER  PUCENIX,  ditto, Clerk. 

PAUL  PIKENIX,  (my  cousin) Sutler. 

BBUBEN  PIICKNIX,    ditto, Wagon-Master. 

RICHARD  PIUENIX,  (second  cousin) Assistant  ditto. 

These  gentlemen,  with  one  hundred  and  eighty-four 
laborers  employed  as  teamsters,  chainmen,  rodmen,  etc., 
made  up  the  party.  For  instruments,  we  had  1  large 
Transit  Instrument  (8  inch  acroinatic  lens),  1  Mural  Circle, 
1  Altitude  and  Azimuth  Instrument  (these  instruments 
were  permanently  set  up  in  a  mule  cart,  which  was  backed 
into  the  plane  of  the  true  meridian,  when  required  for  use), 
13  large  Theodolites,  13  small  ditto,  8  Transit  Compasses, 
17  Sextants,  34  Artificial  Horizons,  1  Sidereal  Clock,  and 
184  Solar  Compasses.  Each  employee  was  furnished  with 
a  gold  chronometer  watch,  and,  by  a  singular  mistake,  a 
diamond  pin  and  gold  chain ;  for  directions  having  been 
given,  that  they  should  be  furnished  with  "  chains  and  pins" 
— meaning  of  course  such  articles  as  are  used  in  surveying 
— Lieu'x  Root,  whose  "  zeal  somewhat  overran  his  discre- 
tion," incontinently  procured  for  each  man  the  above-named 
articles  of  jewelry,  by  mistake.  They  were  purchased  at 
Tucker's  (where,  it  is  needless  to  remark,  "  you  can  buy  u 
diamond  pin  or  ring),"  and  afterwards  proved  extremely 
useful  in  our  intercourse  with  the  natives  of  the  Mission  of 
Dolores,  and  indeed,  along  the  route. 

Every  man  was  suitably  armed,  with  four  of  Colt's  re- 
volvers, a  Minie  rifle,  a  copy  of  Col.  Benton's  speech  on  the 
Pacific  Railroad,  and  a  mountain  howitzer.  These  last- 
named  heavy  articles  required  each  man  to  be  furnished  with 


16  OFFICIAL    REPORT    ON    CENTRAL    ROUTE. 

a  wheelbarrow  for  their  transportation,  which  was  according!) 
done ;  and  these  vehicles  proved  of  great  service  on  the  sur- 
vey, in  transporting  not  only  the  arms  but  the  baggage  of  the 
party,  as  well  as  the  plunder  derived  from  the  natives.  A 
squadron  of  dragoons,  numbering  150  men,  under  Capt.  Me- 
Spadden,  had  been  detailed  as  an  escort.  They  accordingly 
left  about  a  week  before  us,  and  we  heard  of  them  occasion- 
ally on  the  march. 

On  consulting  with  my  assistants,  I  had  determined  to 
select,  as  a  base  for  our  operations,  a  line  joining  the  summit 
of  Telegraph  Hill  with  the  extremity  of  the  wharf  at  Oak- 
land, and  two  large  iron  thirty-two  pounders  were  accord- 
ingly procured,  and  at  great  expense  imbedded  in  the  earth, 
one  at  each  extremity  of  the  line,  to  mark  the  initial  points. 
On  placing  compasses  over  these  points  to  determine  the  bear- 
ing of  the  base,  we  were  extremely  perplexed  by  the  unac- 
countable local  attraction  that  prevailed;  and  were  compelled, 
in  consequence,  to  select  a  new  position.  This  we  finally 
concluded  to  adopt  between  Fort  Point  and  Saucelito  ;  but, 
on  attempting  to  measure  the  base,  we  were  deterred  by  the 
unexpected  depth  of  the  water  intervening,  which,  to  our  sur- 
prise, was  considerably  over  the  chain  bearers'  heads.  Dis- 
liking to  abandon  our  new  line,  which  had  been  selected  with 
much  care  and  at  great  expense,  I  determined  to  employ  in 
its  measurement  a  reflecting  instrument,  used  very  success- 
fully by  the  United  States  Coast  Survey.  I  therefore 
directed  my  assistants  to  procure  me  a  "  HELIOTROPE,"  but 
after  being  annoyed  by  having  brought  to  me  successively  a 


OFFICIAL  REPORT  ON  CENTRAL  ROUTE.          if 

sweet-smelling  shrub  of  that  name,  and  a  box  of  "  Lubin's 
Extract "  to  select  from,  it  was  finally  ascertained,  that  no 
such  instrument  could  be  procured  in  California.  In  this 
extremity,  I  bethought  myself  of  using  as  a  substitute  the 
flash  of  gunpowder.  Wishing  to  satisfy  myself  of  its  practi- 
cability by  an  experiment,  I  placed  Dr.  Dunshunner  at  a  dis- 
tance of  forty  paces  from  my  Theodolite,  with  a  flint-loclr 
musket,  carefully  primed,  and  directed  him  to  flash  in  th« 
pan,  when  I  should  wave  my  hand.  Having  covered  tin 
Doctor  with  the  Theodolite,  and  by  a  movement  of  the  tan 
gent  screw  placed  the  intersection  of  the  cross  lines  directly 
over  the  muzzle  of  the  musket,  I  accordingly  waved;  when  I 
was  astounded  by  a  tremendous  report,  a  violent  blow  in  tht 
eye,  and  the  instantaneous  disappearance  of  the  instrument. 

Observing  Dr.  Dunshunner  lying  on  his  back  in  one 
direction,  and  my  hat,  which  had  been  violently  torn  from 
my  head,  at  about  the  same  distance  in  another,  I  concluded 
that  the  musket  had  been  accidentally  loaded.  Such  proved 
to  be  the  case ;  the  marks  of  three  buckshot  were  found  in 
my  hat,  and  a  shower  of  screws,  broken  lenses  and  pieces  of 
brass,  which  shortly  fell  around  us,  told  where  the  ball  had 
struck,  and  bore  fearful  testimony  to  the  accuracy  of  Dr. 
Dunshunner's  practice.  Believing  these  experiments  more 
curious  than  useful,  I  abandoned  the  use  of  the  "  Heliotrope  n 
w  its  substitutes,  and  determined  to  reverse  the  usual  pro 
cess,  and  arrive  at  the  length  of  the  base  line  by  subsequent 
triangulation.  I  may  as  well  state  here,  that  this  course 

Tas  adopted  and  resulted  to  our  entire  satisfaction ;  the  dis- 

2 


1 8  OFFICIAL    REPORT    ON    CENTRAL    ROUTE. 

tance  from  Fort  Point  to  Saucelito  by  the  solution  of  a  mean 
of  1,867,434,926,465  triangles,  being  determined  to  be 
exactly  three  hundred  and  twenty-four  feet.  This  result 
differed  very  much  from  our  preconceived  ideas  and  from  the 
popular  opinion ;  the  distance  being  generally  supposed  to  be 
some  ten  miles ;  but  I  will  stake  my  professional  reputation 
on  the  accuracy  of  our  work,  and  there  can,  of  course,  be  no 
disputing  the  elucidations  of  science,  or  facts  demonstrated 
by  mathematical  process,  however  incredible  they  may  appear 
per  se. 

We  had  adopted  an  entire  new  system  of  triangulation, 
which  I  am  proud  to  claim  (though  I  hope  with  becoming 
modesty)  as  my  own  invention.  It  simply  consists  in  placing 
one  leg  of  a  tripod  on  the  initial  point,  and  opening  out  the 
other  legs  as  far  as  possible ;  the  distance  between  the  legs  is 
then  measured  by  a  two-foot  rule  and  noted  down ;  and  the 
tripod  moved,  so  as  to  form  a  second  triangle,  connected  with 
the  first,  and  so  on,  until  the  country  to  be  triangulated  has 
been  entirely  gone  over.  By  using  a  large  number  of  tri- 
pods, it  is  easily  seen  with  what  rapidity  the  work  may  be 
carried  on,  and  this  was,  in  fact,  the  object  of  my  requisition 
for  so  large  a  number  of  solar  compasses,  the  tripod  being  in 
my  opinion  the  only  useful  portion  of  that  absurd  instru- 
ment. Having  given  Lieut.  Hoot  charge  of  the  triangula, 
tion  and  detached  Mr.  Jinkins  with  a  small  party  on  hydro- 
graphical  duty  (to  sound  a  man's  well,  on  the  upper  part  of 
Dupont  Street,  and  report  thereon),  on  the  5th  of  February  I 
left  the  Plaza,  with  the  savans  and  the  remainder  of  mj 


OFFICIAL  REPORT  ON  CENTRAL  ROUTE.         19 

party,  to  commence  the  examination  and  survey  of  KEARNI 
STREET. 

Besides  the  mules  drawing  the  cart  which  carried  the 
transit  instrument,  I  had  procured  two  fine  pack  mules,  each 
of  which  carried  two  barrels  of  ale  for  the  draftsmen.  Fol- 
lowing the  tasteful  example  of  that  gallant  gentleman — who 
conducted  the  Dead  Sea  Expedition,  and  wishing  likewise 
to  pay  a  compliment  to  the  administration  under  which  I 
was  employed,  I  named  the  mules  "  Fanny  Pierce,"  and 
"  Fanny  Bigler."  Our  cortege  passing  along  Kearny  Street 
attracted  much  attention  from  the  natives,  and  indeed,  our 
appearance  was  sufficiently  imposing  to  excite  interest  even 
in  less  untutored  minds  than  those  of  these  barbarians. 

First  came  the  cart,  bearing  our  instruments ;  then  a  cart 
containing  Lieut  Zero  with  a  level,  with  which  he  constant- 
ly noted  the  changes  of  grade  that  might  occur ;  then  one 
hundred  and  fifty  men,  four  abreast,  armed  to  the  teeth,  each 
wheeling  before  him  his  personal  property  and  a  mountain 
howitzer ;  then  the  savans,  each  with  note-book  and  pencil, 
constantly  jotting  down  some  object  of  interest  (Doctor 
Tushmaker  was  so  zealous  to  do  something,  that  he  pulled  a 
tooth  from  an  iron  rake  standing  near  a  stable-door,  and  was 
cursed  therefor  by  the  illiberal  proprietor),  and  finally,  the 
Chief  Professor,  walking  arm  in  arm  with  Dr.  Dunshunner, 
and  gazing  from  side  to  side,  with  an  air  of  ineffable  bland- 
ness  and  dignity,  brought  up  the  rear. 

I  had  made  arrangements  to  measure  the  length  of  Kear* 
uy  Street  by  two  methods;  first,  by  chaining  its  sidewalks, 


20  OFFICIAL    REPORT   ON    CENTRAL    ROUTE. 

and  secondly,  by  a  little  instrument  of  my  invention  called 
the  "  Go-it-ometer."  This  last  consists  of  a  straight  rod  of 
brass,  firmly  strapped  to  a  man's  leg  and  connected  with  a 
system  of  clock-work  placed  on  his  back,  with  which  it  per- 
forms, when  he  walks,  the  office  of  a  ballistic  pendulum. 
About  one  foot  below  the  ornamental  buttons  on  the  man's 
back  appears  a  dial-plate  connected  with  the  clock-work,  on 
which  is  promptly  registered,  by  an  index,  each  step  taken. 
Of  course,  the  length  of  the  step  being  known,  the  distance 
passed  over  in  a  day  may  be  obtained  by  a  very  simple  process. 

We  arrived  at  the  end  of  Kearny  Street,  and  encamped 
for  the  night  about  sundown,  near  a  large  brick  building,  in- 
habited by  a  class  of  people  called  "  The  Orphans,"  who,  I 
am  credibly  informed,  have  no  fathers  or  mothers !  After  see- 
ing the  camp  properly  arranged,  the  wheelbarrows  parked  and 
a  guard  detailed,  I  sent  for  the  chainmen  and  "  Go-it-ometer  " 
bearer,  to  ascertain  the  distance  travelled  during  the  day. 

Judge  of  my  surprise  to  find  that  the  chainmen,  having 
received  no  instructions,  had  simply  drawn  the  chain  after 
them  through  the  streets,  and  had  no  idea  of  the  distance 
whatever.  Turning  from  them  in  displeasure,  I  took  from 
the  "  Go-it-ometer "  the  number  of  paces  marked,  and  on 
working  the  distance,  found  it  to  be  four  miles  and  a-half. 
Upon  close  questioning  the  bearer,  William  Boulder  (called 
by  his  associates,  "  Slippery  Bill"),  I  ascertained  that  he  had 
been  in  a  saloon  in  the  vicinity,  and  after  drinking  five  glasses 
of  a  beverage,  known  among  the  natives  as  "  Lager  Bier? 
bo  had  danced  a  little  for  their  amusement.  Feeling  very 


OFFICIAL  REPORT  ON  CENTRAL  ROUTE.         2l 

much  dissatisfied  with  the  day's  survey,  I  stepped  out  of  the 
camp,  and  stopping  an  omnibus,  asked  the  driver  how  far  he 
thought  it  to  the  Plaza  ?  He  replied,  "  Half  a-mile,"  which 
I  accordingly  noted  down,  and  returned  very  much  pleased 
at  so  easily  obtaining  so  much  valuable  information.  It 
would  appear,  therefore,  that  "  Slippery  Bill,"  under  the  in- 
fluence of  five  glasses  (probably  2|  quarts)  of  "  Lager  Bier" 
had  actually  danced  four  miles  in  a  few  moments. 


Kearny  Street,  of  which  I  present  above  a  spirited  en- 
graving from  a  beautiful  drawing  by  Mr.  Kraut,  is  a  passj 
about  fifty  feet  in  width.  The  soil  is  loose  and  sandy,  about 
one  inch  in  depth,  below  which  Dr.  Dunshunner  discovered  a 
stratum  of  white  pine,  three  inches  in  thickness,  and  beneath 
this  again,  sand. 

It  is  densely  populated,  and  smells  of  horses.  Its  surface 
is  intersected  with  many  pools  of  sulphuretted  protoxide  of 
hydrogen,  and  we  found  several  specimens  of  a  vegetable  sub- 
stmce,  loosely  distributed,  which  is  classed  by  Mr.  Wee- 
gates  as  the  stalkus  cabbagiensis. 

It  being  late  in  the  evening  when  our  arrangements  for 
encamping  were  completed,  we  saw  but  little  of  the  natives 
until  the  next  morning,  when  they  gathered  about  our  camp 
to  the  number  of  eighteen. 

"We  were  surprised  to  find  them  of  diminutive  stature,  the 
lallsst  not  exceeding  three  feet  in  height.  They  were 


22  OFFICIAL    REPORT   ON   CENTRAL    ROUTE. 

sively  mischievous,  and  disposed  to  steal  such  trifling  things 
as  they  could  carry  away.  Their  countenances  are  of  the 
color  of  dirt,  and  their  hair  white  and  glossy  as  the  silk  of 
maize.  The  one  that  we  took  to  be  their  chief,  was  an  ex* 
ceedingly  diminutive  personage,  but  with  a  bald  head  which 
gave  him  a  very  venerable  appearance.  He  was  dressed  in  a 
dingy  robe  of  jaconet,  and  was  borne  in  the  arms  of  one  of  his 
followers.  On  making  them  a  speech,  proposing  a  treaty,  and 
assuring  them  of  the  protection  of  their  great  Father,  Pierce, 
the  chief  was  affected  to  tears,  and  on  being  comforted  by 
his  followers,  repeatedly  exclaimed,  "  da,  da, — da,  da ;  " 
which,  we  were  informed  by  the  interpreter,  meant  "  father,'1 
and  was  intended  as  a  respectful  allusion  to  the  President. 
We  presented  him  afterwards  with  some  beads,  hawk-bells  and 
other  presents,  which  he  immediately  thrust  into  his  mouth, 
saying  "  Goo,"  and  crowing  like  a  cock;  which  was  rendered 
by  the  interpreter  into  an  expression  of  high  satisfaction. 
Having  made  presents  to  all  his  followers,  they  at  length  left  ua 
very  well  pleased,  and  we  shortly  after  took  up  our  line  of 
march.  From  the  notes  of  Dr.  Bigguns,  I  transcribe  the  fol- 
'owing  description  of  one  of  this  deeply  interesting  people  : 

"  Kearney  Street  native ;  name — Bill ;— height,  two  feet  nine 
nches; — hair,  white; — complexion,  dirt  color; — eyes,  blue;— • 
no  front  teeth ; — opal  at  extremity  of  nose ; — dress,  a  basquine 
of  bluish  bombazine,  with  two  gussets,  ornamented  down  the 
front  with  crotchet  work  of  molasses  candy,  three  buttons  on 
one  side  and  eight  button  holes  on  the  other — leggings  of  tow 
cloth,  fringed  at  the  bottoms  and  permitting  free  ventilation  be- 
bind — on©  shoe  and  one  boot; — occupation,  erecting  small 


OFFICIAL    REPORT   ON    CENTRAL    ROUTE. 

pyramids  of  dirt  and  water ;  when  asked  what  they  were,  re« 
plied  'pies,'  (word  in  Spanish  meaning  feet ;  supposed  they  might 
be  the  feet  or  foundation  of  some  harharian  structure) — religious 
belief,  obscure ;— when  asked  who  made  him,  replied  'PAR* 
(supposed  to  be  the  name  of  one  of  their  principal  Deities).'1 

We  broke  up  our  encampment  and  moved  North  by  com 
pass  across  Market  Street,  on  the  morning  of  the  6th,  and 
about  noon  had  completed  the  survey  as  far  as  the  corner  of 
Second  Street. 

While  crossing  Market  Street,  being  anxious  to  know  the 
exact  time,  I  concluded  to  determine  it  by  observation. 
Having  removed  the  Sidereal  Clock  from  the  cart,  and  put  it 
in  the  street,  we  placed  the  cart  in  the  plane  of  the  Meridian, 
and  I  removed  the  eye  and  object-glass  of  the  transit,  for  the 
purpose  of  wiping  them.  While  busily  engaged  in  this  man- 
ner, an  individual,  whom  I  have  reason  to  believe  is  con- 
nected with  a  fire  company,  approached,  and  seeing  the  large 
brazen  tube  of  the  transit  pointed  to  the  sky,  mistook  it  for  a 
huge  speaking  trumpet.  Misled  by  this  delusion,  he  mounted 
the  cart,  and  in  an  awful  tone  of  voice  shouted  through  the 
transit  "  Wash  her,  Thirteen  !  "  but  having  miscalculated  the 
strength  of  his  lungs,  he  was  seized  with  a  violent  fit  OT 
coughing,  and  before  he  could  be  removed  had  completely 
coughed  the  vertical  hairs  out  of  the  instrument.  I  was  in 
despair  at  this  sudden  destruction  of  the  utility  of  our  most, 
valuable  instrument,  but  fortunately  recollecting  a  gridiron, 
that  we  had  among  our  kitchen  apparatus,  I  directed  Dr. 
Heavysterne  to  hold  it  up  in  the  plane  of  the  true  Meridian. 


24  OFFICIAL    REPORT   ON    CENTRAL    ROUTE. 

and  with  ah  opera  glass  watched  and  noted  by  the  clock  the 
passage  of  the  sun's  centre  across  the  five  bars.  Having  made 
these  observations,  I  requested  the  principal  computer  to 
work  them  out,  as  I  wished  to  ascertain  the  time  immediately ; 
but  he  replying  that  it  would  take  some  three  months  to  do  it, 
I  concluded  not  to  wait,  but  sent  a  man  into  the  grocery, 
corner  of  Market  and  Second,  to  inquire  the  time,  who  soon 
returned  with  the  desired  information.  It  may  be  thought 
singular,  that  with  so  many  gold  watches  in  our  party,  we 
should  ever  be  found  at  a  loss  to  ascertain  the  time  ;  but  the 
fact  was  that  I  had  directed  every  one  of  our  employees  to 
set  his  watch  by  Greenwich  mean  time,  which,  though  excel- 
lent to  give  one  the  longitude,  is  for  ordinary  purposes  the 
meanest  time  that  can  be  found.  A  distressing  casualty 
that  befell  Dr.  Bigguns  on  this  occasion  may  be  found  worthy 
of  record.  An  omnibus,  passing  during  the  time  of  observa- 
tion, was  driven  carelessly  near  our  Sidereal  Clock,  with 
which  it  almost  came  into  contact.  Dr.  Bigguns,  with  a  slight 
smile,  remarked  that  "  the  clock  was  nearly  run  down"  and 
immediately  fainted  away.  The  pursuits  of  science  cannot  be 
delayed  by  accidents  of  this  nature,  two  of  the  workmen  re- 
moved our  unfortunate  friend,  at  once,  to  the  Orphan  Asy- 
lum, where,  having  rung  the  bell,  they  left  him  on  the  steps 
and  departed,  and  we  never  saw  him  afterwards, 

From  the  corner  of  Market  to  the  corner  of  Second 
and  Folsom  Streets,  the  route  presents  no  object  of  interest 
worthy  of  mention.  We  were  forced  to  the  conclusion,  how- 
ever, that  little  throwing  of  stones  prevails  near  the  latter 


OFFICIAL  REPORT  ON  CENTRAL  ROUTE.         25 

point,  as  the  inhabitants  mostly  live  in  glass  houses.  On  the 
8th  we  had  brought  the  survey  nearly  up  to  South  wick'a 
Pass  on  Folsom  Street,  and  we  commenced  going  through  the 
P»3S  on  the  morning  of  the  9th.  This  pass  consists  of  a 
rectangular  ravine,  about  10  feet  in  length,  the  sides  lined 
with  pine  boards,  with  a  white  oak  (quercus  albus)  bar,  that 
at  certain  occasions  forms  across,  entirely  obstructing  the 
whole  route.  We  found  no  difficulty  in  getting  through  the 
Pass  on  foot,  nor  with  the  wheelbarrows ;  but  the  mule  carts 
and  the  "  two  Fannies  "  were  more  troublesome,  and  we  were 
finally  unable  to  get  them  through  without  a  considerable 
pecuniary  disbursement,  amounting  in  all  to  one  dollar  and 
fifty  cents  ($1.50).  We  understand  that  the  City  of  San 
Francisco  is  desirous  of  effecting  a  safe  and  free  passage  through 
this  celebrated  canon,  but  a  large  appropriation  ($220,000)  is 
required  for  the  purpose. 

The  following  passages  relating  to  this  portion  of  the 
route,  transcribed  from  the  Geological  Notes  of  Dr.  Dun- 
shunner,  though  not  directly  connected  with  the  objects  of 
the  survey,  are  extremely  curious  in  a  scientific  point  of  view, 
and  may  be  of  interest  to  the  general  reader. 

"The  country  in  the  vicinity  of  the  route,  after  leaving 
Southwick's  Pass,  is  very  productive,  and  I  observed  with  aston- 
ishment, that  red-headed  children  appear  to  grow  spontaneously. 
A  building  was  pointed  out  to  me,  near  our  line  of  march,  as  the 
locale  of  a  most  astounding  agricultural  and  architectural  phe- 
nomenon, which  illustrates  the  extreme  fertility  of  the  soil  in  a 
remarkable  degree.  A  small  pine  wardrobe,  which  had  been 
left  standing  by  the  side  of  the  house  (a  frame  cottage  with  a 


26  OFFICIAL    REPORT   ON    CENTRAL    ROUTE. 

piazza),  at  the  commencement  of  the  rainy  season,  took  root, 
and  in  a  few  weeks  grew  to  the  prodigious  height  of  thirty  feet, 
and  still  preserving  its  proportions  and  characteristic  appearance, 
extended  in  each  direction,  until  it  covered  a  space  of  ground 
Borae  forty  hy  twenty  feet  in  measurement. 

"  This  singular  phenomenon  was  taken  advantage  of  hy  the 
proprietors;  doors  and  windows  were  cut  in  the  wardrobe,  a 
ohimney  erected,  and  it  now  answers  every  purpose  of  an  addi- 
tion to  the  original  cottage,  heing  two  stories  in  height  1  This, 
doubtless,  appears  almost  incredible,  but  fortunately  the  house 
and  attached  wardrobe  may  be  seen  any  day,  from  the  road,  at 
a  trifling  expense  of  omnibus  hire,  by  the  sceptical.  Some  dis- 
tance beyond,  rises  a  noble  structure,  built  entirely  of  cut-wood, 
called  '  The  Valley  House,  by  Mrs.  Hubbard."  Not  imagining 
that  a  venial  species  of  profanity  was  conveyed  by  this  legend,  I 
concluded  that  Mrs.  Hubbard  was  simply  the  proprietor.  Thia 
brought  to  my  mind  the  beautiful  lines  of  a  primitive  poet, 
Spenser,*  if  I  mistake  not : 

'  Old  Mother  Hubbard  went  to  the  cupboard 

To  get  her  poor  dog  a  bone  ; 
But  when  she  got  there,  the  cupboard  was  bare, 

And  so  the  poor  dog  got  none.' 

"  Feeling  curious  to  ascertain  if  this  were,  by  any  possibility, 
the  ancient  residence  of  the  heroine  of  these  lines,  perchance  an 
ancestress  of  the  present  proprietor,  I  ventured  to  call  and  in- 
quire ;  and  my  antiquarian  zeal  was  rewarded  by  the  informa- 
tion that  such  was  the  case ;  and  that,  if  I  returned  at  a  latei 
hour  during  the  evening,  I  could  be  allowed  a  sight  of  the  closet, 
and  a  view  of  the  skeleton  of  the  original  dog.  Delighted  with 
my  success,  I  returned  accordingly,  and  finding  the  door  closed, 
ventured  to  knock ;  when  a  sudden  shower  of  rain  fell,  lasting 
but  about  five  seconds,  but  drenching  me  to  the  skin.  Undeter- 
red by  this  contretemps^  I  elevated  my  umbrella  and  knocked 
again,  loudly,  when  a  violent  concussion  upon  the  umbrella,  ac- 
eoinpanied  by  a  thrill  down  the  handle,  which  caused  me  to  seal 

•  Tho  Doctor  is  In  error ;  the  lines  quoted  are  from  Chaucer.    J.  P. 


OFFICIAL    REPORT    ON    CENTRAL    ROUTE.  27 

myself  precipitately  in  a  bucket  by  the  side  of  the  door,  con- 
vinced me  that  electrical  phenomena  of  an  unusual  character 
were  prevalent,  and  decided  me  to  return  with  all  speed  to  our 
encampment.  Here  I  was  astounded  by  discovering  inverted  on 
the  summit  of  my  umbrella,  a  curious  and  deeply  interesting 
vase,  of  singularly  antique  shape,  and  composed,  apparently,  of 
white  porcelain.  Whether  this  vase  fell  from  the  moon,  a  comet, 
or  a  passing  meteor,  I  have  not  yet  decided ;  drawings  of  it  are 
being  prepared,  and  the  whole  subject  will  receive  my  thorough 
investigation  at  an  early  day.* 

"  I  subsequently  attempted  to  pursue  my  investigations  at  the 

*  Valley  House,'  but  the  curt  manner  of  the  proprietor  led  me  to 
suspect  that  the  subject  was  distasteful,  and  I  was  reluctantly 
compelled  to  abandon  it. 

"  Near  the  '  Valley  House,'  I  observed  an  advertisement  of 

*  The  Mountain  View,'  by  P.  Buckley;  but  the  building  in  which 
it  is  exhibited  being  closed,  I  had  no  opportunity  to  judge  of  the 
merits  of  the  painting,  or  the  skill  of  Mr.  Buckley  as  an  artist. 
A  short  distance  further,  I  discovered  a  small  house  occupied  by 
a  gentleman,  who  appeared  engaged  in  some  description  of  traf- 
fic with  the  emigrants;  and  on  watching  his  motions  intently, 
my  surprise  was  great  to  find  that  his  employment  consisted  in 
selling  them  small  pieces  of  pasteboard  at  fifty  cents  apiece  ! 
Curious  to  know  the  nature  of  these  valuable  bits  of  paper,  I 
watched  carefully  the  proprietor's  motions  through  a  window  for 
some  hours  ;  but  being  at  length  observed  by  him,  I  was  re- 
quested to  leave — and  I  left.      This  curious  subject  is,  therefore, 
I  regret  to  say,  enwrapped  in  mystery,  and  I  reluctantly  leave  it 
for  the  elucidation  of  some  future  savant.     The  beautiful  idea, 
originated  by  Col.  Benton,  that  buffaloes  and  other  wild  animals 
are  the  pioneer  engineers,  and  that  subsequent  explorations  can 
discover  no  better  roads  than  those  selected  by  them,  would  ap- 
pear to  apply  admirably  to  the  Central  Route.  Many  pigs,  singly 

*  Tliis  curious  antique,  to  which  I  have  given  the  name  of  the  "  Dunshunner 
Vase,"  has  singularly  the  appearance  of  a  wash  basin !  When  the  drawings  art 
Bompleted,  it  is  to  be  presented  to  the  California  Academy  of  Natural  Sciences.  J.  P 


28         OFFICIAL  REPORT  ON  CENTRAL  ROUTE. 

and  in  droves,  met  and  passed  me  continually ;  and  as  the  pig  IB 
unquestionably  a  more  sagacious  animal  than  the  buffalo,  their 
preference  for  this  route  is  a  most  significant  fact.  I  was,  more- 
over, informed  by  the  emigrants,  that  this  route  was  l  the  one 
followed  by  Col.  Fremont  when  he  lost  his  men.'  This  state- 
ment must  be  received  cum  grano  sails,  as,  on  my  inquiry — 
4  What  men  ? '  my  informant  replied  4  A  box  of  chessmen,' 
which  answer,  from  its  levity,  threw  an  air  of  doubt  over  the 
whole  piece  of  information,  in  my  mind.  Tl  ere  can  be  nc 
question,  however,  that  Lieut.  Beale  has  frequently  travelled  this 
route,  and  that  it  was  a  favorite  with  him ;  indeed,  I  am  inform- 
ed that  he  took  the  first  omnibus  over  it  that  ever  left  San  Fran- 
cisco for  the  Mission  of  Dolores. 

"  The  climate  in  these  latitudes  is  mild  ;  snow  appears  to  be 
unknown,  and  we  saw  but  little  ice  ;  what  there  was  being  sold 
at  twenty -five  cents  per  Ib. 

"  The  geological  formation  of  the  country  is  not  volcanic.  I 
eaw  but  one  small  specimen  of  trap  during  the  march,  which  I 
observed  at  the  '  Valley  House,'  with  a  mouse  in  it.  From  the 
vast  accumulations  of  sand  in  these  regions,  I  am  led  to  adopt 
the  opinions  of  the  ethnologists  of  the  '  California  Academy  of 
Natural  Sciences,'  and  conclude  that  the  original  name  of  this 
territory  was  Sand  Francisco,  from  which  the  final  4  d'  in  the 
prefix  has  been  lost  by  time,  like  the  art  of  painting  on  glass. 

"  Considering  the  innumerable  villages  of  pigs  to  be  found 
located  on  the  line  of  march,  and  the  consequent  effect  produced 
on  the  atmosphere,  I  would  respectfully  suggest  to  the  Chief  En- 
gineer the  propriety  of  changing  the  name  of  the  route  by  a 
slight  alteration  in  the  orthography,  giving  it  the  appropriate  and 
euphonious  title  of  the  *  Scentrsl  R.  K.  Koute.' 
"  Respectfully  submitted, 

"ABRAHAM  DUNSHUNNER,  LL.  D. 
"  P.  G.  0.  R.  R.  R.  S." 

From  Southwick's  Pass,  the  survey  was  continued  with 
unabated  ardor  until  the  evening  of  the  10th  instant,  when 
we  had  arrived  opposite  Mrs.  Freeman's  "American  Eagle,'' 


OFFICIAL  REPORT  ON  CENTRAL  ROUTE.          29 

where  we  encamped.  From  this  point  a  botanical  party  un- 
der Prof.  Weegates  was  sent  over  the  hills  to  the  S.  and  W. 
for  exploration.  They  returned  on  the  llth,  bringing  a  boa 
of  sardines,  a  tin  can  of  preserved  whortleberries,  and  a  bot- 
tle of  whisky,  as  specimens  of  the  products  of  the  country 
over  which  they  had  passed.  They  reported  discovering  on 
the  old  plank  road,  an  inn  or  hostel  kept  by  a  native  Ameri- 
can Irishman,  whose  sign  exhibited  the  Harp  of  Ireland  en- 
circling the  shield  of  the  United  States,  with  the  mottoes 

"  ERIN  GO  UNUM, 
E  PLURIBUS  BRAQH." 

On  the  14th  the  party  arrived  in  good  health  and  excel- 
lent spirits  at  the  "Nightingale,"  Mission  of  Dolores. 
History  informs  us,  that 

"  The  Nightingale  club  at  the  village  was  held, 
At  the  sign  of  the  Cabhage  and  Shears." 

i  t  is  interesting  to  the  Antiquarian  to  look  over  the  excellent 
cabbage  garden,  still  extant  immediately  opposite  the  Night- 
ingale, and  much  more  so  to  converse  with  Mr.  Shears,  the 
respected  and  urbane  proprietor. 

The  survey  and  reconnaissance  being  finished  on  our 
arrival  at  the  Mission,  it  may  be  expected  that  I  should  here 
give  a  full  and  impartial  statement  as  to  the  merits  or  de- 
merits of  the  route,  in  connection  with  the  proposed  Railroad. 

Some  three  months  must  elapse,  however,  before  this  can 
be  done,  as  the  triangulation  has  yet  to  be  perfectly  com' 
putcd,  the  sub-reports  examined  and  compiled,  the  observa 


80         OFFICIAL  REPORT  ON  CENTRAL  ROUTE. 

tions  worked  out,  and  the  maps  and  drawings  executed.  Be« 
sides,  I  have  received  a  letter  from  certain  parties  interested 
in  the  Southern  and  Northern  routes,  informing  me  that  if  I 
suspend  my  opinion  on  the  "  Great  Central "  for  the  present, 
it  will  be  greatly  to  my  interest, — and  as  my  interest  is  cer> 
tainly  my  principal  consideration,  I  shall  undoubtedly  com- 
ply with  their  request,  unless,  indeed,  greater  inducement  ig 
offered  to  the  contrary. 

Meanwhile  I  can  assure  the  public,  that  a  great  deal  may 
certainly  be  said  in  favor  of  the  Central  Route.  A  full 
report  accompanied  by  maps,  charts,  sub-reports,  diagrams, 
calculations,  tables  and  statistics,  may  shortly  be  expected. 

Profiles  of  Prof.  Heavysterne,  Dr.  Dunshunner  and  my- 
self, executed  in  black  court  plaster  by  Mr.  Jinkins,  R.  A., 
one  of  the  Artists  of  the  Expedition,  in  his  unrivalled  style 
of  elegance,  may  be  seen  for  a  short  time  at  Messrs.  LeCount 
&  Strong's — scale  1^  inch  to  1  foot. 

In  conclusion  I  beg  leave  to  return  my  thanks  to  the 
Professors,  Assistants,  and  Artists  of  the  Expedition,  for  the 
energy,  fidelity  and  zeal,  with  which  they  have  ever  co-oper- 
ated with  me,  and  seconded  my  efforts ;  and  to  assure  them 
that  I  shall  be  happy  at  any  time  to  sit  for  my  portrait  for 
them,  or  to  accept  the  handsome  service  of  plate,  which  I  am 
told  they  have  prepared  for  me,  but  feel  too  much  delicacy 
to  speak  to  me  about. 

I  remain,  with  the  highest  respect  and  esteem  for  myself 
md  every  body  else, 

JOHN  PHCENIX,  A.  M., 

Chief  Engineer  and  Astronomer,  S.  F.  A.  M.  D,  C.  R 


OFFICIAL  REPORT  ON  CENTRAL  ROUTE,          3i 

The  annexed  sketch  of  our  route,  prepared  by  Mr.  Jn> 
kins  and  Kraut,  is  respectfully  submitted  to  the  Public.  It 
is  not,  of  course,  compiled  with  that  accuracy,  which  will 
characterize  our  final  maps,  but  for  the  ordinary  purposes  of 
travel,  will  be  found  sufficiently  correct. 

J.  P.,  A.  M.  C.  E.  &  C.  A. 


RECONNOISSANCE 

OF  TUB 

CENTRAL  RAILROAD   ROUTE, 

FROM 

SAN  FRANCISCO  TO  THE  MISSION  OF  DOLORES, 

By  Prof.  John  Pfioenix,  E«q.,  A.M.  <&.  C.  A.  &  C.  E. 

DRAWN  BY  KRAUT  AND  JINKINS,  R.  A.,  ARTISTS  TO  THE   EXPEDITION. 


KEARNY       STREET.          /    PlMa. 

LVJUlli,          i  783  467  51  *         \  J 

Orphans.   

NOTE — The  soundings  are  in  fathoms,  showing  the  depth  of  mud  and  water  during  the  rainy 
season. 


MARKET      STREET. 


(a)  Represent*  a  man  walking  down  the  street  at  the  time  of  the  passage  of  the  Expedition. 


ECOND       STREET. 


Glass  House. 


F  O  L  S  O  M 


(a) 


STREET. 


Nightingale. 


(a)  Southwick'i  PAM. 
jr.  Halfred  Jinkint,  Del.  A.  Kraut,  i 


A  NEW  SYSTEM  OF  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR 

I  HAVE  often  thought  that  the  adjectives  of  the  English  Ian 
guage  were  not  sufficiently  definite  for  the  purposes  of  de- 
scription. They  have  but  three  degrees  of  comparison — a 
very  insufficient  number,  certainly,  when  we  consider  that 
they  are  to  be  applied  to  a  thousand  objects,  which,  though 
of  the  same  general  class  or  quality,  differ  from  each  other  by 
a  thousand  different  shades  or  degrees  of  the  same  peculiarity. 
Thus,  though  there  are  three  hundred  and  sixty-five  days  in  a 
year,  all  of  which  must,  from  the  nature  of  things,  differ  from 
each  other  in  the  matter  of  climate, — we  have  but  half  a 
dozen  expressions  to  convey  to  one  another  our  ideas  of  this 
inequality.  We  say — "  It  is  a  fine  day ;  "  "  It  is  a  very  fine 
day ; "  "  It  is  the  finest  day  we  have  seen ;  "  or,  "  It  is  an 
unpleasant  day;"  "A  very  unpleasant  day;"  "The  most 
unpleasant  day  we  ever  saw."  But  it  is  plain,  that  none  of 
these  expressions  give  an  exact  idea  of  the  nature  of  the  day , 
fcnd  the  two  superlative  expressions  are  generally  untrue.  I 


A    NEW    SYSTEM   OF   ENGLISH   GRAMMAR.  33 

once  heard  a  gentleman  remark,  on  a  rainy,  snowy,  windy 
and  (in  the  ordinary  English  language)  indescribable  day, 
that.it  was  "most  preposterous  weather."  He  came  nearer 
to  giving  a  correct  idea  of  it,  than  he  could  have  done  by  any 
ordinary  mode  of  expression ;  but  his  description  was  not 
sufficiently  definite. 

Again : — we  say  af  a  lady — "  She  is  beautiful ;  "  "  She  ia 
very  beautiful,"  or  "  She  is  perfectly  beautiful ;  " — descrip- 
tions, which,  to  one  who  never  saw  her,  are  no  descriptions 
at  all,  for  among  thousands  of  women  he  has  seen,  probably 
no  two  are  equally  beautiful ;  and  as  to  &  perfectly  beautiful 
woman,  he  knows  that  no  such  being  was  ever  created — un 
less  by  Gr.  P.  E-.  James,  for  one  of  the  two  horsemen  to  fall 
in  love  with,  and  marry  at  the  end  of  the  second  volume. 

If  I  meet  Smith  in  the  street,  and  ask  him — as  I  am 
pretty  sure  to  do-—"  How  he  does  ?  "  he  infallibly  replies — 
u  Tolerable,  thank  you  " — which  gives  me  no  exact  idea  of 
Smith's  health — for  he  has  made  the  same  reply  to  me  on  a 
hundred  different  occasions — on  every  one  of  which  there 
must  have  been  some  slight  shade  of  difference  in  his  physi- 
cal economy,  and  of  course  a  corresponding  change  in  his 
feelings. 

To  a  man  of  a  mathematical  turn  of  mind — to  a  student 
and  lover  of  the  exact  sciences  these  inaccuracies  of  expres* 
sion — this  inability  to  understand  exactly  how  things  are 
must  be  a  constant  source  of  annoyance ;  and  to  one  who 
like  myself,  unites  this  turn  of  mind  to  an  ardent  love  of 

truth,  for  its  own  sake — the  reflection   that  the    English 
3 


34  A    NEW    SYSTEM    OF    ENGLISH    GRAMMAR. 

language  does  not  enable  us  to  speak  the  truth  with  exact 
ness,  is  peculiarly  painful.  For  this  reason  I  have,  with 
some  trouble,  made  myself  thoroughly  acquainted  with  every 
ancient  and  modern  language,  in  the  hope  that  I  might  find 
some  one  of  them  that  would  enable  me  to  express  precisely 
my  ideas ;  but  the  same  insufficiency  of  adjectives  exist  in 
ail  except  that  of  the  Flathead  Indians  of  Puget  Sound, 
which  consists  of  but  forty-six  words,  mostly  nouns ;  but  t 
the  constant  use  of  which  exists  the  objection,  that  nobody 
but  that  tribe  can  understand  it.  And  as  their  literary  anc 
scientific  advancement  is  not  such  as  to  make  a  residence 
among  them,  for  a  man  of  my  disposition,  desirable,  I  have 
abandoned  the  use  of  their  language,  in  the  belief  that  for 
me  it  is  Jiyas.  cultus.^  or  as  the  Spaniard  hath  it,  no  me  vale 
nada. 

Despairing,  therefore,  of  making  new  discoveries  in 
foreign  languages,  I  have  set  myself  seriously  to  work  to 
reform  our  own ;  and  have,  I  think,  made  an  important  dis- 
covery, which,  when  developed  into  a  system  and  universally 
adopted,  will  give  a  precision  of  expression,  and  a  consequent 
clearness  of  idea,  that  will  leave  little  to  be  desired,  and  will, 
I  modestly  hope,  immortalize  my  humble  name  as  the  pro* 
mulgator  of  the  truth  and  the  benefactor  of  the  human 
race. 

Before  entering  upon  my  system  I  will  give  you  an  ac< 
count  of  its  discovery  (which,  perhaps  I  might  with  mor*1 
modesty  term  an  adaptation  and  enlargement  of  the  idea  of 
mother),  which  will  surprise  you  by  its  simplicity,  and  like 


A   NEW    SYSTEM    OF    ENGLISH    GRAMMAR.  35 

the  method  of  standing  eggs  on  end,  of  Columbus,  the  inven- 
tions of  printing,  gunpowder  and  the  mariner's  compass- 
prove  another  exemplification  of  the  truth  of  Hannah  More'a 
beautifully  expressed  sentiment : 

"  Large  streams  from  little  fountains  flow, 
Large  aches  from  little  toe-corns  grow." 

During  the  past  week  my  attention  was  attracted  by  a 
large  placard  embellishing  the  corners  of  our  streets,  headed 
in  mighty  capitals,  with  the  word  "  PHRENOLOGY,"  and  illus- 
trated by  a  map  of  a  man's  head,  closely  shaven,  and  laid  off 
in  lots,  duly  numbered  from  one  to  forty-seven.  Beneath 
this  edifying  illustration  appeared  a  legend,  informing  the 
inhabitants  of  San  Diego  and  vicinity  that  Professor  Dodge 
had  arrived,  and  taken  rooms  (which  was  inaccurate,  as  he 
had  but  one  room)  at  the  Gyaseutus  House,  where  he  would 
be  happy  to  examine  and  furnish  them  with  a  chart  of  their 
heads,  showing  the  moral  and  intellectual  endowments,  at 
the  low  price  of  three  dollars  each. 

Always  gratified  with  an  opportunity  of  spending  my 
money  and  making  scientific  researches,  I  immediately  had 
my  hair  cut  and  carefully  combed,  and  hastened  to  present 
myself  and  my  head  to  the  Professor's  notice.  I  found  him 
a  tall  and  thin  Professor,  in  a  suit  of  rusty,  not  to  say  seedy 
black,  with  a  closely  buttoned  vest,  and  no  perceptible  shirt- 
collar  or  wristbands.  His  nose  was  red,  his  spectacles  were 
blue,  and  he  wore  a  brown  wig,  beneath  which,  as  I  subse- 
quently ascertained,  his  bald  head  was  laid  off  in  lots,  marked 


36  A   NEW    SYSTEM    OF   ENGLISH    GRAMMAR. 

and  numbered  with  Indian  ink,  after  the  manner  of  the  dia- 
gram upon  his  advertisement  Upon  a  small  table  lay  manj 
little  books  with  yellow  covers,  several  of  the  placards,  pen 
and  ink,  a  pair  of  iron  callipers  with  brass  knobs,  and  six 
dollars  in  silver.  Having  explained"  the" object  of  my  visit, 
and  increased  the  pile  of  silver  by  six  half-dollars  from  my 
pocket — whereat  he  smiled,  and  I  observed  he  wore  false 
teeth — (scientific  men  always  do;  they  love  to  encourage 
art)  the  Professor  placed  me  in  a  chair,  and  rapidly  manipu- 
lating my  head,  after  the  manner  of  a  sliam  pcoh  (I  am 
not  certain  as  to  the  orthography  of  this  expression),  said 
that  my  temperament  was  "  lymphatic,  nervous,  bilious." 
I  remarked  that  "  I  thought  myself  dyspeptic,"  but  he  made 
no  reply.  Then  seizing  on  the  callipers,  he  embraced  with 
them  my  head  in  various  places,  and  made  notes  upon  a 
•nuall  card  that  lay  near  him  on  the  table.  He  then  stated 
that  my  "  hair  was  getting  very  thin  on  the  top,"  placed  in  my 
hand  one  of  the  yellow-covered  books,  which  I  found  to  be 
an  almanac  containing  anecdotes  about  the  virtues  of  Dodge's 
Hair  Invigorator,  and  recommending  it  to  my  perusal,  he 
remarked  that  he  was  agent  for  the  sale  of  this  wonderful 
fluid,  and  urged  me  to  purchase  a  bottle — price  two  dollars. 
Stating  my  willingness  to  do  so,  the  Professor  produced  it 
from  a  hair  trunk  that  stood  in  a  corner  of  the  room,  whic\ 
he  stated,  by  the  way,  was  originally  an  ordinary  pine  box, 
on  which  the  hair  had  grown  since  "  the  Invigorator  "  had 
been  placed  in  it — (a  singular  fact)  and  recommended  me  to 
be  cautious  in  wearing  gloves  while  rubbing  it  upon  my  head 


A    NEW    SYSTEM    OF    ENGLISH    GRAMMAR.  3? 

as  unhappy  accidents  had  occurred — the  hair  growing  freelj 
from  the  ends  of  the  fingers,  if  used  with  the  bare  hand.  He 
then  seated  himself  at  the  table,  and  rapidly  filling  up  whal 
appeared  to  me  a  blank  certificate,  he  soon  handed  over  tin 
following  singular  document. 

"  PHRENOLOGICAL  CHART  OF  THE  HEAD  OF  M.  JOHN  PB  (ENIX,  bj 
FLATBROKE  B.  DODGE,  Professor  of  Phrenology,  and  inventor  and 
proprietor  of  Dodge's  celebrated  Hair  Invigorator,  Stimulator  ol 
the  Conscience,  and  Arouser  of  the  Mental  Faculties : 
Temperament, — Lymphathic,  Nervous,  Bilious. 

Size  of  Head,  11.  Imitation,  11. 

Amativeness,  11|.  Self-Esteem,  |. 

Caution,  3.  Benevolence,  12. 

Combativeness,  2£.  Mirth,  1. 

Credulity,  1.  Language,  12. 

Causality,  12.  Firmness,  2. 

Conscientiousness,  12.  Veneration,  12. 

Destructiveness,  9.  Philoprogenitiveness,  0. 

Hope,  10." 

Having  gazed  on  this  for  a  few  moments  in  mute  aston 
ishment — during  which  the  Professor  took  a  glass  of  brandj 
and  water,  and  afterwards  a  mouthful  of  tobacco — It  turned 
to  him  and  requested  an  explanation. 

"  Why,"  said  he,  "  it's  very  simple ;  the  number  12  is  the 
maximum,  1  the  minimum ;  for  instance,  you  are  as  benevolent 
as  a  man  can  be — therefore  I  mark  you,  Benevolence,  i%. 
You  have  little  or  no  self-esteem — hence  I  place  you,  Self 
esteem,  \.  You've  scarcely  any  credulity — don't  you  see?'; 

/  did  see  !  This  was  my  discovery.  I  saw  at  a  flash 
how  the  English  language  was  susceptible  of  improvement, 
wid,  fired  with  the  glorious  idea,  I  rushed  from  the  rooin  and 


38  A   NEW    SYSTEM   OP    ENGLISH    GRAMMAR. 

the  house ;  heedless  of  the  Pofessor's  request  that  I  would 
buy  more  of  his  Invigorator ;  heedless  of  his  alarmed  cry  that 
I  would  pay  for  the  bottle  I'd  got ;  heedless  that  I  tripped 
on  the  last  step  of  the  Gyascutus  House,  and  smashed  there 
the  precious  fluid  (the  step  has  now  a  growth  of  four  inches 
of  hair  on  it,  and  the  people  use  it  as  a  door-mat) ;  I  rushed 
home,  and  never  gr^w  calm  till  with  pen,  ink  and  paper  before 
me,  I  commenced  the  development  of  my  system. 

This  system — shall  I  say  this  great  system — is  exceeding- 
ly simple,  and  easily  explained  in  a  few  words.  In  the  first 
place,  "figures  won't  lie"  Let  us  then  represent  by  the 
number  100,  the  maximum,  the  ne  plus  ultra  of  every  human 
quality — grace,  beauty,  courage,  strength,  wisdom,  learning — 
every  thing.  Let  perfection,  I  say,  be  represented  by  100, 
and  an  absolute  minimum  of  all  qualities  by  the  number  1. 
Then  by  applying  the  numbers  between,  to  the  adjectives 
used  in  conversation,  we  shall  be  able  to  arrive  at  a  very 
close  approximation  to  the  idea  we  wish  to  convey ;  in  other 
words,  we  shall  be  enabled  to  speak  the  truth.  Glorious,  soul- 
inspiring  idea!  For  instance,  the  most  ordinary  question 
asked  of  you  is,  "  How  do  you  do  ?  "  To  this,  instead  of  re- 
plying, "  Pretty  well,"  "  Very  well,"  "  Quite  well,"  or  the 
like  absurdities — after  running  through  your  mind  that  'per- 
fection of  health  is  100,  no  health  at  all,  1 — you  say,  with  <* 
graceful  bow,  "  Thank  you,  I'm  52  to  day  ;  "  or,  feeling  poor- 
ly, "  I'm  13,  I'm  obliged  to  you,"  or  "  I'm  68,"  or  "  75,"  or 
'  87g,"  as  the  case  may  be  !  Do  you  see  how  very  close  in 
this  way  you  may  approximate  to  the  truth ;  and  how  clearlj 


A   NEW    SYSTEM   OF    ENGLISH   GRAMMAR.  39 

your  o'jestioner  will  understand  what  he  so  anxiously  wis'mja 
to  arrive  at — your  exact  state  of  health  ? 

Let  this  system  be  adopted  into  our  elements  of  grammar, 
our  conversation,  our  literature,  and  we  become  at  once  an 
exact,  precise,  mathematical,  truth-telling  people.  It  will 
apply  to  every  thing  but  politics ;  there,  truth  being  of  no 
account,  the  system  is  useless.  But  in  literature,  how  admi- 
rable !  Take  an  example : 

As  a  19  young  and  76  beautiful  lady  was  52  gaily  trip- 
ping down  the  sidewalk  of  our  84  frequented  street,  she  ac- 
cidently  come  in  contact — 100  (this  shows  that  she  came  in 
close  contact)  with  a  73  fat,  but  87  good-humored  looking 
gentleman,  who  was  93  (i.  e.  intently)  gazing  into  the  window 
of  a  toy-shop.  Gracefully  56  extricating  herself,  she  re- 
ceived the  excuses  of  the  96  embarrassed  Falstaff  with  a  68 
bland  smile,  and  continued  on  her  way.  But  hardly — 7 — had 
she  reached  the  corner  of  the  block,  ere  she  was  overtaken 
by  a  24  young  man,  32  poorly  dressed,  but  of  an  85  expres- 
sion of  countenance ;  91  hastily  touching  her  54  beautifully 
rounded  arm,  he  said,  to  her  67  surprise — 

"  Madam,  at  the  window  of  the  toy-shop  yonder,  you 
dropped  this  bracelet,  which  I  had  the  71  good  fortune  to 
observe,  and  now  have  the  94  happiness  to  hand  to  you  " 
Of  course  the  expression  "  9-1  happiness  "  is  merely  the  youu^r 
man's  polite  hyperbole.) 

Blushing  with  76  modesty,  the  lovely  (76,  as  before,  of 
course),  lady  took  the  bracelet— which  was  a  24  magnificent 
liamond  clasp — (24  magnificent,  playfully  sarcastic;  it  wa? 


10  A   NEW    6YSTEM   OF    ENGLISH    GRAMMAR, 

probably  not  one  of  Tucker's)  from  the  young  man's  hand,  and 
84  hesitatingly  drew  from  her  beautifully  38  embroidered  re- 
ticule a  67  port-monnaie.  The  young  man  noticed  the  action, 
and  73  proudly  drawing  back,  added — 

"  Do  not  thank  me ;  the  pleasure  of  gazing  for  an  instant 
at  those  100  eyes  (perhaps  too  exaggerated  a  compliment), 
has  already  more  than  compensated  me  for  any  trouble  that 
I  might  have  had." 

She  thanked  him,  however,  and  with  a  67  deep  blush  and 
a  48  pensive  air,  turned  from  him,  and  pursued  with  a  33  slow 
step  her  promenade. 

Of  course  you  see  that  this  is  but  the  commencement  of 
a  pretty  little  tale,  which  I  might  throw  off,  if  I  had  a  mind 
to,  showing  in  two  volumes,  or  forty-eight  chapters  of  thril- 
ling interest,  how  the  young  man  sought  the  girl's  acquaint- 
ance, how  the  interest  first  excited,  deepened  into  love,  how 
they  suffered  much  from  the  opposition  of  parents  (her 
parents  of  course),  and  how,  after  much  trouble,  annoyance, 
and  many  perilous  adventures,  they  were  finally  married — 
their  happiness,  of  course,  being  represented  by  100.  But  1 
trust  that  I  have  said  enough  to  recommend  my  system  to 
the  good  and  truthful  of  the  literary  world ;  and  besides,  just 
at  present  I  have  something  of  more  immediate  importance  to 
attend  to. 

You  would  hardly  believe  it,  but  that  everlasting  (100) 
ucamp  of  a  Professor  has  brought  a  suit  against  me  for  steal- 
ing a  bottle  of  his  disgusting  Invigorator ;  and  as  the  suit 
nomes  off  before  a  Justice  of  the  Peace,  whose  only  principle 


A    NEW    SYSTEM    OF    ENGLISH    GRAMMAR.  41 

of  law  is  to  find  guilty  and  fine  any  accused  person  whom  he 
thinks  has  any  money — (because  if  he  don't  he  has  to  take 
his  costs  in  County  Scrip,)  it  behooves  me  to  "  take  time  by 
the  fore-lock."  So,  for  the  present,  adieu.  Should  my  sys- 
tem succeed  to  the  extent  of  my  hopes  and  expectations,  I 
Bhall  publish  my  new  grammar  early  in .  the  ensuing  month, 
with  suitable  dedication  and  preface ;  and  should  you,  with 
your  well  known  liberality,  publish  my  prospectus,  and  give 
me  a  handsome  literary  notice,  I  shall  be  pleased  to  furnish 
a  presentation  copy  to  each  of  the  little  Pioneer  children. 

P.  S.  I  regret  to  add  that  having  just  read  this  article 
to  Mrs.  Phoenix,  and  asked  her  opinion  thereon,  she  replied, 
that  "  if  a  first-rate  magazine  article  were  represented  by  100, 
she  should  judge  this  to  be  about  13 ;  or  if  the  quintessence 
of  stupidity  were  100,  she  should  take  this  to  be  in  the 
neighborhood  of  96."  This,  as  a  criticism,  is  perhaps  a  little 
discouraging,  but  as  an  exemplification  of  the  merits  of  my 
system  it  is  exceedingly  flattering.  How  could  she,  I  should 
like  to  know,  in  ordinary  language,  have  given  so  exact  and 
truthful  an  idea — how  expressed  so  forcibly  her  opinion 
(which,  of  course,  differs  from  mine)  on  the  subject  ? 

As  Dr.  Samuel  Johnson  learnedly  remarked  to  James 
Boswell,  Laird  of  Auchinleck,  on  a  certain  occasion — 

*  Sir,  the  proof  of  the  pudding  is  in  the  eating  thereof^ 


MUSICAL  REVIEW  EXTRAORDINARY. 

SAN  DIKGO,  July  10th,  1S54. 

As  your  valuable  work  is  not  supposed  to  be  so  entirely 
identified  with  San  Franciscan  interests,  as  to  be  careless 
what  takes  place  in  other  portions  of  this  great  kedntry,  and 
as  it  is  received  and  read  in  San  Diego  with  great  interest 
(I  have  loaned  my  copy  to  over  four  different  literary  gentle- 
men, most  of  whom  have  read  some  of  it),  I  have  thought  it 
not  improbable  that  a  few  critical  notices  of  the  musical  per- 
formances and  the  drama  of  this  place  might  be  acceptable  to 
you,  and  interest  your  readers.  I  have  been,  moreover,  en- 
couraged to  this  task  by  the  perusal  of  your  interesting  mu- 
sical and  theatrical  critiques  on  San  Francisco  performers 
and  performances ;  as  I  feel  convinced  that,  if  you  devote  so 
much  space  to  them,  you  will  not  allow  any  little  feeling  of 
rivalry  between  the  two  great  cities  to  prevent  your  noticiog 
ours,  which,  without  the  slightest  feeling  of  prejudice,  I  must 
consider  as  infinitely  superior.  I  propose  this  month  to  call 
your  attention  to  the  two  great  events  in  our  theatrical  ami 


MUSICAL    REVIEW    EXTRAORDINARY.  43 

musical  world — the  appearance  of  the  talented  Miss  PELICAN, 
and  the  production  of  Tarbox's  celebrated  "  Ode  Sympho- 
nic "  of  "  The  Plains." 

The  critiques  on  the  former  are  from  the  columns  of  Thf 
Vallecetos  Sentinel,  to  which  they  were  originally  contributed 
by  me,  appearing  on  the  respective  dates  of  June  1st  and 
June  31st. 

From  the  Vattecetos  Sentinel,  June  1st. 

Miss  PELICAN. — Never  during  our  dramatic  experience,  has  a 
more  exciting  event  occurred  than  the  sudden  bursting  upon  our 
theatrical  firmament,  full,  blazing,  unparalleled,  of  the  bright,  re- 
splendent and  particular  star,  whose  honored  name  shines  reful- 
gent at  the  head  of  this  article.  Coming  among  us  unheralded, 
almost  unknown,  without  claptrap,  in  a  wagon  drawn  by  oxen 
across  the  plains,  with  no  agent  to  get  up  a  counterfeit  enthusi- 
asm in  her  favor,  she  appeared  before  us  for  the  first  time  at  the 
San  Diego  Lyceum,  last  evening,  in  the  trying  and  difficult  char- 
acter of  Ingomar,  or  the  Tame  Savage.  "We  are  at  a  loss  to 
describe  our  sensations,  our  admiration,  at  her  magnificent,  her 
superhuman  efforts.  "We  do  not  hesitate  to  say  that  she  is  by 
far  the  superior  of  any  living  actress ;  and,  as  we  believe  hers  to 
be  the  perfection  of  acting,  we  cannot  be  wrong  in  the  belief 
that  no  one  hereafter  will  ever  be  found  to  approach  her.  Her 
conception  of  the  character  of  Ingomar  was  perfection  itself;  her 
playful  and  ingenuous  manner,  her  light  girlish  laughter,  in  the 
scene  with  Sir  Peter,  showed  an  appreciation  of  the  savage 
character,  which  nothing  but  the  most  arduous  study,  the  most 
elaborate  training  could  produce ;  while  her  awful  change  to  the 
etern,  unyielding,  uncompromising  father  in  the  tragic  scene  oi 
Duncan's  murder,  was  indeed  nature  itself.  Miss  Pelican  is 
about  seventeen  years  of  age,  of  miraculous  beauty,  and  most 
thrilling  voice.  It  is  needless  to  say  she  dresses  admirably, 
w  in  fact  we  have  said  all  we  can  say  when  we  called  her  most 


44  MUSICAL    REVIEW    EXTRAORDINARY. 

truthfully,  perfection.    Mr.  John  Boots  took  the  part  of  Par 
thenia  very  creditably,  etc.,  etc. 

ffrom  ihe  Vallecetos  Sentinel,  June  Slst. 

Miss  PELICAN. — As  this  lady  is  about  to  leave  us  to  com- 
mence an  engagement  on  the  San  Francisco  stage,  we  should 
regret  exceedingly  if  any  thing  we  have  said  about  her,  should 
send  with  her  a  prestige  which  might  be  found  undeserved  ot 
trial.  The  fact  is,  Miss  Pelican  is  a  very  ordinary  actress ;  in- 
deed, one  of  the  most  indifferent  ones  we  ever  happened  to  see. 
She  came  here  from  the  Museum  at  Fort  Laramie,  and  we  praised 
her  so  injudiciously  that  she  became  completely  spoiled.  She 
has  performed  a  round  of  characters  during  the  last  week,  very 
miserably,  though  we  are  bound  to  confess  that  her  performance 
of  King  Lear  last  evening,  was  superior  to  any  thing  of  the  kind 
we  ever  saw.  Miss  Pelican  is  about  forty-three  years  of  age, 
singularly  plain  in  her  personal  appearance,  awkward  and  em- 
barrassed, with  a  cracked  and  squeaking  voice,  and  really  dresses 
quite  outrageously.  She  has  much  to  learn — -poor  thing  ! 

I  take  it  the  above  notices  are  rather  ingenious.  The 
fact  is,  I'm  no  judge  of  acting,  and  don't  know  how  Misa 
Pelican  will  turn  out.  If  well,  why  there's  my  notice  of 
June  the  1st;  if  ill,  then  June  Slst  comes  in  play,  and,  aa 
there  is  but  one  copy  of  the  Sentinel  printed,  it's  an  easy 
matter  to  destroy  the  incorrect  one ;  both  can't  be  wrong] 
so  I've  made  a  sure  thing  of  it  in  any  event.  Here  follows 
my  musical  critique,  which  I  flatter  myself  is  of  rather 
superior  order : 

THE  PLAINS.  ODE  SYMPHONIE  PAR  JABEZ  TARBOX. — 
This  glorious  composition  was  produced  at  the  San  Diego 
Odeon,  on  the  Slst  of  June,  Tilt.,  for  the  first  time  in  this  oi 
any  other  country,  by  a  very  full  orchestra  (the  performance 


MUSICAL    REVIEW    EXTRAORDINARY.  45 

taking  place  immediately  after  supper),  and  a  chorus  composed 
of  the  entire  "  Sauer  Kraut- Yerein,"  the  Wee  Gates  Associa- 
tion," and  choice  selections  from  the  "Gyascutus"  and  "  Pike- 
harmonic  "  societies.  The  solos  were  rendered  by  Her  Tu- 
den  Links,  the  recitations  by  Herr  Yon  Hyden  Schnapps, 
both  performers  being  assisted  by  Messrs.  John  Smith  and 
Joseph  Brown,  who  held  their  coats,  fanned  them,  and  fur- 
nished water  during  the  more  overpowering  passages. 

"  The  Plains  "  we  consider  the  greatest  musical  achieve- 
ment that  has  been  presented  to  an  enraptured  public.  Like 
Waterloo  among  battles ;  Napoleon  among  warriors ;  Niagara 
among  falls,  and  Peck  among  senators,  this  magnificent  com- 
position stands  among  Oratorios,  Operas,  Musical  Melodra 
mas  and  performances  of  Ethiopian  Serenaders,  peerless  and 
unrivalled.  II  frappe  toute  chose  parf  aliment  froid. 

"  It  does  not  depend  for  its  success  "  upon  its  plot,  its 
theme,  its  school  or  its  master,  for  it  has  very  little  if  any  of 
them,  but  upon  its  soul-subduing,  all-absorbing,  high-faluting 
effect  upon  the  audience,  every  member  of  which  it  causes  io 
experience  the  most  singular  and  exquisite  sensations.  Its 
strains  at  times  remind  us  of  those  of  the  old  master  of 
the  steamer  McKim,  who  never  went  to  sea  without  being  un- 
pleasantly affected ; — a  straining  after  effect  he  use  to  term  it. 
Blair  in  his  lecture  on  beauty,  and  Mills  in  his  treatise  on 
logic,  (p.  31,)  have  alluded  to  the  feeling  which  might  be 
produced  in  the  human  mind,  by  something  of  this  transcen 
dentally  sublime  description,  but  it  has  remained  forM.  Tar- 
box,  in  the  production  of  The  Plains,  to  call  this  feeling  forth 


46  MUSICAL    REViEW    EXTRAORDINARY. 

The  symphonic  opens  upon  the  wide  and  boundless  plains 
in  longitude  115°  W.,  latitude  35°  21'  03"  N.,  and  about 
sixty  miles  from  the  west  bank  of  Pitt  Elver.  These  data 
are  beautifully  and  clearly  expressed  by  a  long  (topographi- 
cally) drawn  note  from  an  E  flat  clarionet.  The  sandy 
nature  of  the  soil,  sparsely  dotted  with  bunches  of  cactus 
and  artemisia,  the  extended  view,  flat  and  unbroken  to  the 
horizon,  save  by  the  rising  smoke  in  the  extreme  verge,  de- 
noting the  vicinity  of  a  Pi  Utah  village,  are  represented  by 
the  bass  drum.  A  few  notes  on  the  piccolo,  calls  the  atten- 
tion to  a  solitary  antelope,  picking  up  mescal  beans  in  the 
foreground.  The  sun  having  an  altitude  of  36°  27;,  blazes 
down  upon  the  scene  in  indescribable  majesty.  "  Gradually 
the  sounds  roll  forth  in  a  song  "  of  rejoicing  to  the  God  of 
Day. 

"  Of  thy  intensity 
And  great  immensity 

Now  then  we  sing ; 
Beholding  in  gratitude 
Thee  in  this  latitude, 

Curious  thing." 

Which  swells  out  into  "  Hey  Jim  along,  Jim  along  Josey, 
then  decrescendo,  mas  o  menos,  poco  pociia,  dies  away  and 
dries  up. 

Suddenly  we  hear  approaching  a  train  from  Pike  County, 
consisting  of  seven  families,  with  forty-six  wagons,  each 
drawn  by  thirteen  oxen ;  each  family  consists  of  a  man  in 
butternut-colored  clothing  driving  the  oxen ;  a  wife  in  but 
lernut- colored  clothing  riding  in  the  wagon,  holding  a  butter 


MUSICAL    EEVICW    EXTRAORDINARY.  47 

nut  baby,  and  seventeen  butternut  children  running  promis 
cuoiisly  about  the  establishment ;  all  are  barefooted,  dusty, 
and  smell  unpleasantly-  (All  these  circumstances  are  ex- 
pressed by  pretty  rapid  fiddling  for  some  minutes,  winding 
up  with  a  puff  from  the  orpheclide  played  by  an  intoxicated 
Teuton  with  an  atrocious  breath — it  is  impossible  to  mis- 
understand the  description.)  Now  rises  o'er  the  plains  in 
mellifluous  accents,  the  grand  Pike  County  Chorus. 

"  Oh  we'll  soon  be  thar 
In  the  land  of  gold, 
Through  the  forest  old, 
O'er  the  mounting  cold, 
With  spirits  bold — 
Oh,  we  come,  we  come, 
And  we'll  soon  be  thar. 

Gee  up  Bolly  1  whoo,  up,  whoo  haw  I 

The  train  now  encamp.  The  unpacking  of  the  kettle* 
arid  mess-pans,  the  unyoking  of  the  oxen,  the  gathering  about 
the  various  camp-fires,  the  frizzling  of  the  pork,  are  so  clearly 
expressed  by  the  music,  that  the  most  untutored  savage  could 
readily  comprehend  it.  Indeed,  so  vivid  and  lifelike  was  the 
representation,  that  a  lady  sitting  near  us,  involuntarily  ex- 
claimed aloud,  at  a  certain  passage,  "  Thar,  that  pork's 
burning  !  "  and  it  was  truly  interesting  to  watch  the  gratified 
expression  of  her  face  when,  by  a  few  notes  of  the  guitar, 
the  pan  was  removed  from  the  fire,  and  the  blazing  pork  ex 
tinguished. 

This  is  followed  by  the  beautiful  aria  : — 

*'  O  !  imirm,  I  want  a  nancake  1  " 


48  MUSICAL    REVIEW    EXTRAORDINARY 

Followed  by  that  touching  recitative : — 

"  Shet  up,  or  I  will  spauk  you  1  ** 

To  which  succeeds  a  grand  crescendo  movement,  repre- 
senting the  flight  of  the  child,  with  the  pancake,  the  pursun 
of  the  mother,  and  the  final  arrest  and  summary  punishment 
of  the  former,  represented  by  the  rapid  and  successive  strokes 
of  the  Castanet. 

The  turning  in  for  the  night  follows ;  and  the  deep  and 
stertorous  breathing  of  the  encampment,  is  well  given  by  the 
bassoon,  while  the  sufferings  and  trials  of  an  unhappy  father 
with  an  unpleasant  infant,  are  touchingly  set  forth  by  the 
cornet  d  piston. 

Part  Second— The  night  attack  of  the  Pi  Utahs;  the 
fearful  cries  of  the  demoniac  Indians;  the  shrieks  of  the 
females  and  children ;  the  rapid  and  effective  fire  of  the  rifles ; 
the  stampede  of  the  oxen ;  their  recovery  and  the  final  re- 
pulse ;  the  Pi  Utahs  being  routed  after  a  loss  of  thirty-six 
killed  and  wounded,  while  the  Pikes  lose  but  one  scalp  (from 
an  old  fellow  who  wore  a  wig,  and  lost  it  in  the  scuflie),  are 
faithfully  given,  and  excite  the  most  intense  interest  in  the 
minds  of  the  hearers ;  the  emotions  of  fear,  admiration  and 
delight,  succeeding  each  other  in  their  minds,  with  almost 
painful  rapidity.  Then  follows  the  grand  chorus  . 

"  Ob  1  we  gin  them  fits, 
The  Ingen  Utahs. 
With  our  six-shooters — 
We  gin  'em  pertickuler  fits." 


MUSICAL    REVIEW   EXTRAORDINARY.  49 

After  which,  we  have  the  charming  recitative  of  Herr 
Tuden  Links,  to  the  infant,  which  is  really  one  of  the  most 
charming  gems  in  the  performance : 

"  Now,  dern  your  skin,  carft  you  be  easy  ?  " 

Morning  succeeds.  The  sun  rises  magnificently  (octavo 
flute) — breakfast  is  eaten, — in  a  rapid  movement  on  three 
sharps ;  the  oxen  are  caught  and  yoked  up — with  a  small 
drum  and  triangle ;  the  watches,  purses,  and  other  valuables 
of  the  conquered  Pi  Utahs,  are  stored  away  in  a  camp-kettle, 
to  a  small  movement  on  the  piccolo,  and  the  train  moves  on, 
with  the  grand  chorus : — 

"  We'll  soon  be  thar, 

Gee  up  Bolly  I  Whoo  hup  !  whoo  haw  I " 

The  whole  concludes  with  the  grand  hymn  and  chorus  :  — 

"  When  we  die  we'll  go  to  Benton, 

Whup  1  Whoo,  haw  1 
The  greatest  man  that  e'er  land  saw, 

Geel 
Who  this  little  airth  was  sent  on 

Whup  !  Whoo,  haw  1 
To  tell  a  '  hawk  from  a  hand-saw  ! ' 

Geel" 

The  immense  expense  attending  the  production  of  this 
magnificent  work ;  the  length  of  time  required  to  prepare 
khe  chorus ;  the  incredible  number  of  instruments  destroyed 
it  each  rehearsal,  have  hitherto  prevented  M.  Tarbox  from 
placing  it  before  the  American  public,  and  it  has  remained 
for  San  Diego  to  show  herself  superior  to  her  sister  cities  of 


50  MUSICAL   EEVIEW   EXTRAORDINARY. 

the  Union,  in  musical  taste  and  appreciation,  and  in  high 
eouled  liberality,  by  patronizing  this  immortal  prodigy,  and 
enabling  its  author  to  bring  it  forth  in  accordance  with  his 
wishes  and  its  capabilities.  We  trust  every  citizen  of  San 
Diego  and  Yallecetos  will  listen  to  it  ere  it  is  withdrawn ;  and 
if  there  yet  lingers  in  San  Francisco  one  spark  of  musical 
fervor,  or  a  remnant  of  taste  for  pure  harmony,  we  can  only 
say  that -the  Southerner  sails  from  that  place  once  a  fortnight, 
and  that  the  passage  money  is  but  forty-five  dollars. 


LECTURES    ON   ASTRONOMY, 


INTRODUCTORY. 

THE  following  pages  were  originally  prepared  in  the  form 
of  a  course  of  Lectures  to  be  delivered  before  the  Lowel] 
Institute,  of  Boston,  Mass.,  but,  owing  to  the  unexpected 
circumstance  of  the  author's  receiving  no  invitation  to  lec- 
ture before  that  institution,  they  were  laid  aside  shortly  after 
their  completion. 

Receiving  an  invitation  from  the  trustees  of  the  Valle- 
cetos  Literary  and  Scientific  Institute,  during  the  present 
summer,  to  deliver  a  course  of  Lectures  on  any  popular  sub- 
ject, the  author  withdrew  his  manuscript  from  the  dusty 
shelf  on  which  it  had  long  lain  neglected,  and,  having  some- 
what revised  and  enlarged  it,  to  suit  the  capacity  of  the 
eminent  scholars  before  whom  it  was  to  be  displayed,  re- 
paired to  Yallecetos.  But,  on  arriving  at  that  place,  he 


52  LECTURES   ON   ASTRONOMY. 

learned  with  deep  regret,  that  the  only  inhabitant  had  left  a 
few  days  previous,  haying  availed  himself  of  the  opportunity 
presented  by  a  passing  emigrant's  horse, — and  that,  in  conse- 
quence, the  opening  of  the  Institute  was  indefinitely  post- 
poned.  Under  these  circumstances,  and  yielding  with  re* 
luctance  to  the  earnest  solicitations  of  many  eminent  scientific 
friends,  he  has  been  induced  to  place  the  Lectures  before  the 
public  in  their  present  form.  Should  they  meet  with  that 
success  which  his  sanguine  friends  prognosticate,  the  author 
may  be  induced  subsequently  to  publish  them  in  the  form  of 
a  text-book,  for  the  use  of  the  higher  schools  and  universi- 
ties ;  it  being  his  greatest  ambition  to  render  himself  useful 
in  his  day  and  generation,  by  widely  disseminating  the  in- 
formation he  has  acquired  among  those  who,  less  fortunate, 
are  yet  willing  to  receive  instruction. 

JOHN  PHCENIX, 

SAN  DIEGO  OBSERVATORY,  September  1, 1854. 


LECTURES  ON  ASTRONOMY.— PART  I. 

CHAPTER  I. 

The  term  Astronomy  is  derived  from  two  Latin  wordsr 
Astra,  a  star,  and  onomy,  a  science ;  and  literally  means  th* 
science  of  the  stars.  "  It  is  a  science,"  to  quote  our  friend 
Dick  (who  was  no  relation  at  all  of  Big  Dick,  though  the 
latter  occasionally  caused  individuals  to  see  stars),  "  which 
has,  in  all  ages,  engaged  the  attention  of  the  poet,  the  phi- 


LECTURES    ON   ASTRONOMY.  5S 

losopber,  and  the  divine,  and  been  the  subject  of  their  studj 
and  admiration." 

By  the  wondrous  discoveries  of  the  improved  telescopes  of 
modern  times,  we  ascertain  that  upwards  of  several  hundred 
millions  of  stars  exist,  that  are  invisible  to  the  naked  eye — 
the  nearest  of  which  is  millions  of  millions  of  miles  from  the 
Earth ;  and  as  we  have  every  reason  to  suppose  that  every 
one  of  this  inconceivable  number  of  worlds  is  peopled  like 
our  own,  a  consideration  of  this  fact — and  that  we  are  un- 
doubtedly as  superior  to  these  beings,  as  we  are  to  the  rest 
of  mankind — is  calculated  to  fill  the  mind  of  the  American 
with  a  due  sense  of  his  own  importance  in  the  scale  of  ani- 
mated creation. 

It  is  supposed  that  each  of  the  stars  we  see  in  the  Hea- 
vens in  a  cloudless  night,  is  a  sun  shining  upon  its  own  cur- 
vilinear, with  light  of  its  own  manufacture ;  and  as  it  would  be 
absurd  to  suppose  its  light  and  heat  were  made  to  be  diffused 
for  nothing,  it  is  presumed  farther,  that  each  sun,  like  an  old 
hen,  is  provided  with  a  parcel  of  little  chickens,  in  the  way 
of  planets,  which,  shining  but  feebly  by  its  reflected  light, 
are  to  us  invisible.  To  this  opinion  we  are  led,  also,  by 
reasoning  from  analogy,  on  considering  our  own  Solar 
System. 

THE  SOLAR  SYSTEM  is  so  called,  not  because  we  believe  it 
to  be  the  sole  system  of  the  kind  in  existence,  but  from  its 
principal  body  the  Sun ;  the  Latin  name  of  which  is  Sol, 
(Thus  we  read  of  Sol  Smith,  literally  meaning  the  son  of  Old 
Smith.)  On  a  close  examination  of  the  Heavens  we  perceive 


54  LECTURES    ON   ASTRONOMY. 

numerous  brilliant  stars  which  shine  with  a  steady  light 
(differing  from  those  which  surround  them,  which  are  always 
twinkling  like  a  dew-drop  on  a  cucumber-yine),  and  which, 
moreover,  do  not  preserve  constantly  the  same  relative  dis- 
tance from  the  stars  near  which  they  are  first  discovered. 
These  are  the  planets  of  the  SOLAR  SYSTEM,  which  have  no 
light  of  their  own — of  which  the  Earth,  on  which,  we  inside, 
is  one, — which  shine  by  light  reflected  from  the  Sun, — and 
which  regularly  move  around  that  body  at  different  intervals 
of  time  and  through  different  ranges  in  space.  Up  to  the 
time  of  a  gentleman  named  Copernicus,  who  flourished  about 
the  middle  of  the  Fifteenth  Century,  it  was  supposed  by  our 
stupid  ancestors  that  the  Earth  was  the  centre  of  all  creation, 
being  a  large  flat  body,  resting  on  a  rock  which  rested  on 
another  rock,  and  so  on  "  all  the  way  down;"  and  that  the 
Sun,  planets  and  immovable  stars  all  revolved  about  it  once 
in  twenty-four  hours. 

This  reminds  us  of  the  simplicity  of  a  child  we  once  saw 
in  a  railroad-oar,  who  fancied  itself  perfectly  stationary,  and 
thought  the  fences,  houses  and  fields  were  tearing  past  it  at 
the  rate  of  thirty  miles  an  hour ; — and  poking  out  its  head, 
to  see  where  on  earth  they  went  to,  had  its  hat  — a  very  nice 
one  with  pink  ribbons — knocked  off  and  irrecoverably  lost. 
But  Copernicus  (who  was  a  son  of  Daniel  Pernicus,  of  the 
firm  of  Pernicus  &  Co.,  wool-dealers,  and  who  was  named  Co, 
Pernicus,  out  of  respect  to  his  father's  partners)  soon  set  this 
matter  to  rights,  and  started  the  idea  of  the  present  Solar 
System,  which,  greatly  improved  since  his  day,  is  occasionally 


LECTURES   ON   ASTRONOMY.  55 

led  the  Copernican  system.  By  this  system  we  learn  that 
the  Sun  is  stationed  at  one  focus  (not  hocus,  as  it  is  rendered, 
without  authority  by  the  philosopher  Partington)  of  an  ellipse, 
where  it  slowly  grinds  on  for  ever  about  its  own  axis,  while 
the  planets,  turning  about  their  axes,  revolve  in  elliptical 
orbits  of  various  dimensions  and  different  planes  of  inclina- 
tion around  it. 

The  demonstration  of  this  system  in  all  its  perfection 
was  left  to  Isaac  Newton,  an  English  Philosopher,  who,  seeing 
an  apple  tumble  down  from  a  tree,  was  led  to  think  thereon 
with  such  gravity,  that  he  finally  discovered  the  attraction 
of  gravitation,  which  proved  to  be  the  great  law  of  Nature 
that  keeps  every  thing  in  its  place.  Thus  we  see  that  as  an 
apple  originally  brought  sin  and  ignorance  into  the  world, 
the  same  fruit  proved  thereafter  the  cause  of  vast  knowledge 
and  enlightenment ; — and  indeed  we  may  doubt  whether  any 
other  fruit  but  an  apple,  and  a  sour  one  at  that,  would  have 
produced  these  great  results ; — for,  had  the  fallen  fruit  been 
a  pear,  an  orange,  or  a  peach,  there  is  little  doubt  that  New- 
ton would  have  eaten  it  up  and  thought  no  more  on  the  sub- 
ject. 

As  in  this  world  you  will  hardly  ever  find  a  man  so 
email  but  that  he  has  some  one  else  smaller  than  he,  to  look 
up  to  and  revolve  around  him,  so  in  the  Solar  System  we 
find  that  the  majority  of  the  planets  have  one  or  more 
smaller  planets  revolving  about  them.  These  small  bodies 
are  termed  secondaries,  moons  or  satellites — the  planetg 
themselves  being  called  primaries. 


56  LECTURES   ON   ASTRONOMY. 

We  know  at  present  of  eighteen  primaries,  viz  :  Mercury 
Venus,  the  Earth,  Mars,  Flora,  Vesta,  Iris,  Metis,  Hebe, 
Astrea,  Juno,  Ceres,  Pallas,  Hygeia,  Jupiter,  Saturn,  Her- 
Bchel,  Neptune,  and  another,  yet  unnamed.  There  are  dis- 
tributed among  these,  nineteen  secondaries,  all  of  which 
except  our  Moon,  are  invisible  to  the  naked  eye. 

We  shall  now  proceed  to  consider,  separately,  the  dif- 
ferent bodies  composing  the  Solar  System,  and  to  make 
known  what  little  information,  comparatively  speaking, 
science  has  collected  regarding  them.  And,  first  in  order,  as 
in  place,  we  come  to 

TIIK   SUN. 

This  glorious  orb  may  be  seen  almost  any  clear  day,  by 
looking  intently  in  its  direction,  through  a  piece  of  smoked 
glass.  Through  this  medium  it  appears  about  the  size  of  a 
large  orange,  and  of  much  the  same  color.  It  is,  however, 
somewhat  larger,  being,  in  fact  887,000  miles  in  diameter, 
and  containing  a  volume  of  matter  equal  to  fourteen  hundred 
thousand  globes  of  the  size  of  the  Earth,  which  is  certainly 
a  matter  of  no  small  importance.  Through  the  telescope  it 
appears  like  an  enormous  globe  of  fire,  with  many  spot? 
upon  its  surface,  which,  unlike  those  of  the  leopard,  are  con- 
tinually changing.  These  spots  were  first  discovered  by  a 
gentleman  named  Galileo,  in  the  year  1611.  Though  the 
Sun  is  usually  termed  and  considered  the  luminary  of  day, 
it  may  not  be  uninteresting  to  our  readers  to  know  that  it 
certainly  has  been  seen  in  the  night.  A  scientific  friend  of 
aurs  from  New  England  (Mr.  R.  W.  Emerson)  while  travel 


LECTURES   ON   ASTRONOMJT.  57 

iiig  through  the  northern  part  of  Norway,  with  a  cargo  of 
tinware,  on  the  21st  of  June,  1836,  distinctly  saw  the  Sun 
in  all  its  majesty,  shining  at  midnight ! — in  fact,  shining  aft 
night!  Emerson  is  not  what  you  would  call  a  superstitious 
man,  by  any  means — but,  he  left !  Since  that  time  many  per- 
sons have  observed  its  nocturnal  appearance  in  that  part  of  the 
country,  at  the  same  time  of  the  year.  This  phenomenon  has 
never  been  witnessed  in  the  latitude  of  San  Diego,  however, 
and  it  is  very  improbable  that  it  ever  will  be.  Sacred  history 
informs  us  that  a  distinguished  military  man,  named  Joshua, 
once  caused  the  Sun  to  "  stand  still ;  "  how  he  did  it,  is  not 
mentioned.  There  can,  of  course,  be  no  doubt  of  the  fact,  that 
he  arrested  its  progress,  and  possibly  caused  it  to  "stand  still;" 
— but  translators  are  not  always  perfectly  accurate,  and  we 
are  inclined  to  the  opinion  that  it  might  have  wiggled  a  very 
little,  when  Joshua  was  not  looking  directly  at  it.  The 
statement,  however,  does  not  appear  so  very  incredible,  when 
we  reflect  that  seafaring  men  are  in  the  habit  of  actually 
bringing  the  Sun  down  to  the  horizon  every  day  at  12  Meri- 
dian. This  they  effect  by  means  of  a  tool  made  of  brass, 
glass  and  silver,  called  a  sextant.  The  composition  of  the 
Sun  has  long  been  a  matter  of  dispute. 

By  close  and  accurate  observation  with  an  excellent  opera- 
glass,  we  have  arrived  at  the  conclusion  that  its  entire  surface 
is  covered  with  water  to  a  very  great  depth ;  which  water, 
being  composed  by  a  process  known  at  present  only  to  the 
Creator  of  the  Universe  and  Mr.  Paine  of  Worcester  Mas- 
sachusetts, generates  carburetted  hydrogen  gas,  which,  being 


58  LECTURES   ON   ASTRONOMY. 

inflamed,  surrounds  the  entire  body  with  an  ocean  of  fire,  from 
which  we,  and  the  other  planets,  receive  our  light  and  heat. 
The  spots  upon  its  surface  are  glimpses  of  water,  obtained 
through  the  fire ;  and  we  call  the  attention  of  our  old  friend 
and  former  schoolmate,  Mr.  Agassiz,  to  this  fact;  as  by 
closely  observing  one  of  these  spots  with  a  strong  refracting 
telescope,  he  may  discover  a  new  species  of  fish,  with  little 
fishes  inside  of  them.  It  is  possible  that  the  Sun  may  burn 
out  after  awhile,  which  would  leave  this  world  in  a  state  of 
darkness  quite  uncomfortable  to  contemplate ;  but  even  under 
these  circumstances  it  is  pleasant  to  reflect,  that  courting  and 
love-making  would  probably  increase  to  an  indefinite  ex- 
tent, and  that  many  persons  would  make  large  fortunes  by 
the  sudden  rise  in  value  of  coal,  wood,  candles,  and  gas,  which 
would  go  to  illustrate  the  truth  of  the  old  proverb,  "  It's  an 
ill  wind  that  blows  nobody  any  good." 

Upon  the  whole,  the  Sun  is  a  glorious  creation ;  pleasing 
to  gaze  upon  (through  smoked  glass),  elevating  to  think  upon, 
and  exceedingly  comfortable  to  every  created  being  on  a  cold 
day ;  it  is  the  largest,  the  brightest,  and  may  be  considered 
by  far  the  most  magnificent  object  in  the  celestial  sphere ; 
though  with  all  these  attributes  it  must*be  confessed  that  it 
is  occasionally  entirely  eclipsed  by  the  moon. 

CHAPTER  II. 

We  shall  now  proceed  to  the  consideration  of  the  several 
planets. 

MERCTJBY. 

This  planet,  with  the  exception  of  the  asteroids,  is  the 


LECTURE?    ON   ASTRONOMY.  59 

smallest  of  the  system.  It  is  the  nearest  to  the  Sun,  and, 
in  consequence,  cannot  be  seen  (on  account  of  the  Sun's 
superior  light),  except  at  its  greatest  eastern  and  western 
elongations,  which  occur  in  March  and  April,  August  and 
September,  when  it  may  be  seen  for  a  short  time  immediately 
after  sunset  and  shortly  before  sunrise.  It  then  appears 
like  a  star  of  the  first  magnitude,  having  a  white  twinkling 
light,  and  resembling  somewhat  the  star  Kegulus  in  the  con- 
stellation Leo.  The  day  in  Mercury  is  about  ten  minutes 
longer  than  ours,  its  year  is  about  equal  to  three  of  our  months. 
It  receives  six  and  a  half  times  as  much  heat  from  the  Sun 
as  we  do ;  from  which  we  conclude  that  the  climate  must  be 
very  similar  to  that  of  Fort  Yuma,  on  the  Colorado  River. 
The  difficulty  of  communication  with  Mercury  will  probably 
prevent  its  ever  being  selected  as  a  military  post ;  though  it 
possesses  many  advantages  for  that  purpose,  being  extremely 
inaccessible,  inconvenient,  and,  doubtless,  singularly  uncom- 
fortable. It  receives  its  name  from  the  God,  Mercury,  in 
the  Heathen  Mythology,  who  is  the  patron  and  tutelary  Di- 
vinity of  San  Diego  County. 


This  beautiful  planet  may  be  seen  either  a  little  after 
sunset,  or  shortly  before  sunrise,  according  as  it  becomes 
the  morning  or  the  evening  star,  but  never  departing  quite 
48°  from  the  Sun.  Its  day  is  about  twenty-five  minutes 
ehorter  than  ours;  its  year  seven  and  half  months  or  thirty- 
two  weeks.  The  diameter  of  Venus  is  7,700  miles,  and  she 


60  LECTURES   ON   ASTRONOMY. 

receives  from  the  Sun  thrice  as  much  light  and  heat  as  th« 
Earth. 

An  old  Dutchman  named  Schroeter  spent  more  than  ton 
years  in  observations  on  this  planet,  and  finally  discovered  a 
mountain  on  it  twenty-two  miles  in  height,  but  he  never  could 
discover  any  thing  on  the  mountain,  not  even  a  mouse,  and 
finally  died  about  as  wise  as  when  he  commenced  hia 
studies. 

Venus,  in  Mythology,  was  a  Goddess  ef  singular  beauty, 
who  became  the  wife  of  Vulcan,  the  blacksmith,  and  we  re- 
gret to  add,  behaved  in  the  most  immoral  manner  after  her 
marriage.  The  celebrated  case  of  Vulcan  vs.  Mars,  and  the 
consequent  scandal,  is  probably  still  fresh  in  the  minds  of 
our  readers.  By  a  large  portion  of  society,  however,  she  was 
considered  an  ill-used  and  persecuted  lady,  against  whose 
high  tone  of  morals,  and  strictly  virtuous  conduct  not  a 
shadow  of  suspicion  could  be  cast;  Vulcan,  by  the  same 
parties,  was  considered  a  horrid  brute,  and  they  all  agreed 
that  it  served  him  right  when  he  lost  his  case  and  had  to 
pay  the  costs  of  court.  Venus  still  remains  the  Goddess  of 
Beauty,  and  not  a  few  of  her  proteges  may  be  found  in 
California. 

THE    EARTH. 

The  Earth,  or  as  the  Latins  called  it,  Teljus  (from  which 
originated  the  expression,  "  do  tell  us),"  is  the  third  planet 
in  the  Solar  System,  and  the  one  on  which  we  subsist,  with 
all  our  important  joys  and  sorrows.  The  San  Diego  Herald 


LECTURES   ON    ASTRONOMY.  61 

U  published  weekly  on  this  planet,  for  five  dollars  per  annum, 
payable  invariably  in  advance.  As  the  Earth  is  by  no  means 
the  most  important  planet  in  the  system,  there  is  no  reason  to 
suppose  that  it  is  particularly  distinguished  from  the  others 
by  being  inhabited.  It  is  reasonable,  therefore,  to  conclude, 
that  all  the  other  planets  of  the  system  are  filled  with  living, 
moving  and  sentient  beings ;  and  as  some  of  them  are  su- 
perior to  the  Earth  in  size  and  position,  it  is  not  improbable 
that  their  inhabitants  may  be  superior  to  us  in  physical  and 
mental  organization. 

But  if  this  were  a  demonstrable  fact,  instead  of  a  mere 
hypothesis,  it  would  be  found  a  very  difficult  matter  to  per- 
suade us  of  its  truth.  To  the  inhabitants  of  Venus  the 
Earth  appears  like  a  brilliant  star,  very  much,  in  fact,  as 
Venus  appears  to  us ;  and,  reasoning  from  analogy,  we  are 
led  "to  believe  that  the  election  of  Mr.  Pierce,  the  European 
war,  or  the  split  in  the  great  Democratic  party  produced  but 
very  little  excitement  among  them. 

To  the  inhabitants  of  Jupiter,  our  important  globe  ap- 
pears like  a  small  star  of  the  fourth  or  fifth  magnitude.  We 
recollect  some  years  ago  gazing  with  astonishment  upon  the 
inhabitants  of  a  drop  of  water,  developed  by  the  Solar  Micro- 
scope, and  secretly  wondering  whether  they  were  or  not  rea- 
soning beings,  with  souls  to  be  saved.  It  is  not  altogether  a 
pleasant  reflection  that  a  highly  scientific  inhabitant  of 
Jupiter,  armed  with  a  telescope  of  (to  us)  inconceivable 
form,  may  be  pursuing  a  similar  course  of  inquiry,  and  in- 
dulging in  similar  speculations  regarding  our  Earth  and  its 


62  LECTURES   ON  ASTRONOMY. 

inhabitants.  Gazing  with  curious  eye,  his  attention  is  sud 
denly  attracted  by  the  movements  of  a  grand  celebration  of 
Fourth  of  July  in  New  York,  or  a  mighty  convention  in 
Baltimore.  "  God  bless  my  soul,"  he  exclaims,  "  I  declare 
they're  alive,  these  little  creatures,  do  see  them  wriggle !  '* 
To  an  inhabitant  of  the  Sun,  however,  he  of  Jupiter  is 
probably  quite  as  insignificant,  and  the  Sun  man  is  possibly 
a  mere  atom  in  the  opinion  of  a  dweller  in  Sirius.  A  little 
reflection  on  these  subjects  leads  to  the  opinion,  that  the 
death  of  an  individual  man  on  this  Earth,  though  perhaps 
as  important  an  event  as  can  occur  to  himself,  is  calculated 
to  cause  no  great  convulsion  of  Nature  or  disturb  particularly 
the  great  aggregate  of  created  beings. 

The  Earth  moves  round  the  sun  from  west  to  east  in  a 
year,  and  turns  on  its  axis  in  a  day ;  thus  moving  at  the 
rate  of  68,000  miles  an  hour  in  its  orbit,  and  rolling  around 
at  the  tolerably  rapid  rate  of  1,040  miles  per  hour.  As  our 
readers  may  have  seen  that  when  a  man  is  galloping  a  horse 
violently  over  a  smooth  road,  if  the  horse  from  viciousness 
or  other  cause  suddenly  stops,  the  man  keeps  on  at  the 
same  rate  over  the  animal's  head;  so  we,  supposing  the 
Earth  to  be  suddenly  arrested  on  its  axis,  men,  women 
children,  horses,  cattle  and  sheep,  donkeys,  editors  and  mem- 
bers of  Congress,  with  all  our  goods  and  chattels,  would  be 
thrown  off  into  the  air  at  a  speed  of  173  miles  a  minute 
every  mother's  son  of  us  describing  the  arc  of  a  parabola 
which  is  probably  the  only  description  we  should  ever  be 
tble  to  give  of  the  affair. 


LECTURES    ON   ASTRONOMY.  63 

This  catastrophe,  to  one  sufficiently  collected  to  enjoy  it 
irould,  doubtless,  be  exceedingly  amusing ;  but  as  there  would 
probably  be  no  time  for  laughing,  we  pray  that  it  may  not 
occur  until  after  our  demise ;  when,  should  it  take  place,  our 
monument  will  probably  accompany  the  movement.  It  is  a 
singular  fact,  that  if  a  man  travel  round  the  Earth  in  an  east- 
wardly  direction,  he  will  find,  on  returning  to  the  place  of 
departure,  he  has  gained  one  whole  day ;  the  reverse  of  this 
proposition  being  true  also,  it  follows  that  the  Yankees  who 
are  constantly  travelling  to  the  West,  do  not  live  as  long  by  a 
day  or  two  as  they  would  if  they  had  staid  at  home ;  and  sup- 
posing each  Yankee's  time  to  be  worth  $1.50  per  day,  it  may 
be  easily  shown  that  a  considerable  amount  of  money  is  an- 
nually lost  by  their  roving  dispositions. 

Science  is  yet  but  in  its  infancy;  with  its  growth,  new 
discoveries  of  an  astounding  nature  will  doubtless  be  made 
among  which,  probably,  will  be  some  method  by  which  the 
course  of  the  Earth  may  be  altered  and  it  be  steered  with  the 
same  ease  and  regularity  through  space  and  among  the  stars, 
as  a  steamboat  is  now  directed  through  the  water.  It  will 
be  a  very  interesting  spectacle  to  see  the  Earth  "  rounding 
to,"  with  her  head  to  the  air,  off  Jupiter,  while  the  Moon  is 
sent  off  laden  with  mails  and  passengers  for  that  planet,  to 
bring  back  the  return  mails  and  a  large  party  of  rowdy  Jupi- 
terians  going  to  attend  a  grand  prize  fight  in  the  ring  of 
Saturn. 

"Well,  Christopher  Columbus  would  have  been  just  as 
wuch  astonished  at  a  revelation  of  the  steamboat,  and  the  lo 


84  LECTURES   ON   ASTRONOMY. 

comotive  engine,  as  we  should  be  to  witness  the  above  per 
formance,  which  our  intelligent  posterity  during  the  ensuing 
year,  A.  D.  2,000,  will  possibly  look  upon  as  a  very  ordinary 
and  common-place  affair. 

Only  three  days  ago  we  asked  a  medium,  where  Sir  John 
Franklin  was  at  that  time ;  to  which  he  replied,  he  was  cruis- 
ing about  (officers  and  crew  all  well)  on  the  interior  of  the 
Earth,  to  which  he  had  obtained  entrance  through  SYMMEB 
HOLE! 

"With  a  few  remarks  upon  the  Earth's  Satellite,  we  con- 
clude the  first  Lecture  on  Astronomy;  the  remainder  of  the 
course  being  contained  in  a  second  Lecture,  treating  of  the 
planets,  Mars,  Jupiter,  Saturn  and  Neptune,  the  Asteroids, 
and  the  fixed  stars,  which  last,  being  "  fixings,"  are,  accord- 
ing to  Mr.  Charles  Dickens,  American  property. 

THE   MOON. 

This  resplendent  luminary,  like  a  youth  on  the  4th  of 
July,  has  its  first  quarter ;  like  a  ruined  spendthrift  its  last 
quarter ,  and  like  an  omnibus,  is  occasionally  full  and  new. 
The  evenings  on  which  it  appears  between  these  last  stages 
are  beautifully  illumined  by  its  clear,  mellow  light. 

The  Moon  revolves  in  an  elliptical  orbit  about  the  Earth 
in  twenty-nine  days  twelve  hours  forty-four  minutes  and  three 
seconds,  the  time  which  elapses  between  one  new  Moon  and 
another.  It  was  supposed  by  the  ancient  philosophers  that 
the  Moon  was  made  of  green  cheese,  an  opinion  still  enter- 
tained by  the  credulous  and  ignorant.  Kepler  and  Tyco 
Brahe,  however,  held  to  the  opinion  that  it  was  composed  of 


LECTURES    ON   ASTRONOMY.  65 

Charlotte  Russe,  the  dark  portions  of  its  surface  being  sponge 
cake,  the  light  blanc  mange.  Modern  advances  in  science 
and  the  use  of  Lord  Rosse's  famous  telescope,  have  demon- 
strated the  absurdity  of  all  these  speculations  by  proving  con- 
clusively that  the  Moon  is  mainly  composed  of  the  Ferro — 
sesqui — cyanuret,  of  the  cyanide  of  potassium  !  Up  to  the 
latest  dates  from  the  Atlantic  States,  no  one  has  succeeded  in 
reaching  the  Moon.  Should  any  one  do  so  hereafter,  it  will 
probably  be  a  woman,  as  the  sex  will  never  cease  making  an 
exertion  for  that  purpose  as  long  as  there  is  a  man  in  it. 

Upon  the  whole,  we  may  consider  the  Moon  an  excellent 
institution,  among  the  many  we  enjoy  under  a  free,  republican 
form  of  government,  and  it  is  a  blessed  thing  to  reflect  that 
the  President  of  the  United  States  cannot  veto  it,  no  matter  how 
strong  an  inclination  he  may  feel,  from  principle  or  habit,  to  do  so. 

It  has  been  ascertained  beyond  a  doubt  that  the  Moon  has 
no  air.  Consequently,  the  common  expressions,  "  the  Moon 
was  gazing  down  with  an  air  of  benevolence,"  or  with  "  an 
air  of  complacency,"  or  with  "  an  air  of  calm  superiority, v  are 
incorrect  and  objectionable,  the  fact  being  that  the  Moon  has 
no  air  at  all. 

The  existence  of  the  celebrated  "  Man  in  the  Moon  "  has 
been  frequently  questioned  by  modern  philosophers.  The 
whole  subject  is  involved  in  doubt  and  obscurity.  The  only 
authority  we  have  for  believing  that  such  an  individual  ex- 
ists>  and  has  been  seen  and  spoken  with,  is  a  fragment  of  an 
old  poem  composed  by  an  ancient  Astronomer  of  the  name  o/ 
3-oose,  which  has  been  handed  down  to  us  as  follows : 


66  LECTURES    ON    ASTRONOMY. 

"  The  man  in  the  Moon,  came  down  too  soon 

To  inquire  the  way  to  Norwich ; 
The  man  in  the  South,  he  hurned  his  mouth, 
Eating  cold,  hot  porridge." 

The  evidence  conveyed  in  this  distich  is  howev  a  rejected 
by  the  sceptical,  among  modern  Astronomers,  who  consider 
the  passage  an  allegory.  "  The  man  in  the  South,"  being 
supposed  typical  of  the  late  John  C.  Calhoun,  and  the  "  cold, 
hot  porridge,"  alluded  to  the  project  of  nullification. 

END  OP  LECTURE  FIRST. 


NOTE  BY  THE  AUTHOR. — Itinerant  Lecturers  are  cautioned 
against  making  use  of  the  above  production,  without  obtaining 
the  necessary  authority  from  the  proprietors  of  the  Pioneer  Mag- 
azine. To  those  who  may  obtain  such  authority,  it  may  be  well 
to  state,  that  at  the  close  of  the  Lecture  it  was  the  intention  of 
the  author  to  exhibit  and  explain  to  the  audience  an  orrery,  ac- 
companying and  interspersing  his  remarks  by  a  choice  selection 
of  popular  airs  on  the  hand-organ. 

An  economical  orrery  may  be  constructed  by  attaching 
eighteen  wires  of  graduated  lengths  to  the  shaft  of  a  candlestick, 
apples  of  different  sizes  being  placed  at  their  extremities  to  repre- 
sent the  Planets,  and  a  central  orange  resting  on  the  candlestick, 
representing  the  Sun. 

An  orrery  of  this  description  is  however  liable  to  the  objec- 
tion, that  if  handed  around  among  the  audience  for  examination, 
it  is  seldom  returned  uninjured.  The  author  has  known  an  in- 
stance in  which  a  child  four  years  of  age,  on  an  occasion  of  this 
kind,  devoured  in  succession  the  planets  Jupiter  and  Herschel, 
tnd  bit  a  large  spot  out  of  the  Sun  before  he  could  bo  arrested. 

J.  P. 


TISTOL  SHOOTING— A  COUNTER 
CHALLENGE. 

SAN  DIEGO,  Cal.,  Sept.  1, 1854. 

L  OOPY  the  following    paragraph    from  the  Spirit    of    ifa 
Times,  for  July  loth: 

"  PISTOL  8HOOTING-A  CHALLENGE. 

Owing  to  the  frequent  and  urgent  solicitations  of  many  of  my 
friends,  I  am  induced  to  make  the  following  propositions: 

1. 1  will  fit  a-  dollar  to  the  end  of  a  twig  two  inches  long,  and 
while  a  second  person  will  hold  the  other  end  in  his  mouth,  so 
as  to  hring  the  coin  within  an  inch  and  a  half  of  his  face,  I  en- 
gage to  strike  the  dollar,  three  times  out  of  five,  at  the  distance 
of  ten  paces,  or  thirty  feet.  I  will  add  in  explanation,  tnat 
there  are  several  persons  willing  and  ready  to  hold  the  twig  or 
stick  described  above,  when  required. 

2. 1  will  hit  a  dollar,  tossed  in  the  air,  or  any  other  object  of 
the  same  size,  three  times  out  of  five  on  a  wheel  and  fire. 

3.  At  the  word,  I  will  split  three  balls  out  of  five,  on  a  knifo 
blade,  placed  at  the  distance  of  thirty  feet. 

4.  I  will  hit  three  birds  out  of  five,  sprung  from  the  trap 
standing  thirty  feet  from  the  trap  when  shooting. 

6.  I  will  break,  at  the  word,  five  common  clay  pipe  stems  ou1 
of  seven,  at  the  distance  of  thirty  feet. 


68  PISTOL    SHOOTING A    COUNTER    CHALLENGE. 

6.  I  engage  to  prove,  by  fair  trial,  that  no  pistol-shot  can  be 
produced  who  will  shoot  an  apple  off  a  man's  head,  at  the  dis- 
tance of  thirty  feet,  oftener  than  I  can.   Moreover  I  will  produce 
two  persons  willing  and  ready  to  hold  the  apple  on  their  heads 
for  me,  when  required  to  do  so. 

7.  I  will  wager,  lastly,  that  no  person  in  the  United  States 
can  be  produced  who  will  hit  a  quarter  of  a  dollar  at  the  distance 
of  thirty  feet,  oftener  than  I  can,  on  a  wheel  and  fire. 

I  am  willing  to  bet  $5,000  on  any  of  the  above  propositions, 
one  fourth  of  that  amount  forfeit.  So  soon  as  any  bet  will  be 
closed,  the  money  shall  be  deposited  in  the  Bank  of  the  State  of 
Missouri,  until  paid  over  by  the  judges,  or  withdrawn,  less  forfeit. 
1  will  give  the  best  and  most  satisfactory  references  that  my  share 
will  be  forthcoming  when  any  of  my  propositions  are  taken  up. 
Any  one  desiring  to  take  up  any  of  my  propositions  must  ad- 
dress me  by  letter,  through  the  St.  Louis  Post  Office,  as  the  ad- 
vertisements or  notices  of  newspapers  might  not  meet  my  eye. 
Propositions  will  be  received  until  the  first  of  September  next. 

EDMUND  "W.  PAUL, 

140  Sixth  Street,  between  Franklin  Avenue  and 
Morgan  Street,  St.  Louis,  Missouri. 

1  ain  unable  to  see  any  thing  very  extraordinary  in  the 
above  propositions,  by  Mr.  Edmund  W.  Paul.  Any  person, 
acquainted  with  the  merest  rudiments  of  the  pistol,  could 
certainly  execute  any  or  all  of  the  proposed  feats  without  the 
slightest  difficulty. 

"  Owing "  to  my  entertaining  these  opinions,  "  without 
solicitation  from  friends,  and  unbiassed  by  unworthy  mo- 
tives," I  am  induced  to  make  the  following  propositions  : — 

1  I  will  suspend  two  dollars  by  a  ring  from  a  second 
person's  nose,  so  as  to  bring  the  coins  within  three  fourths 
«f  an  inch  from  his  face,  and  with  a  double  barrelled  shot- 


PISTOL    SHOOTING A    COUNTER    CHALLENGE.  69 

gun,  at  a  distance  of  thirty  feet,  will  blow  dollars,  nose  and 
man  at  least  thirty  feet  further,  four  times  out  of  five.  1 
will  add,  in  explanation,  that,  San  Diego  containing  a  rather 
intelligent  community,  I  can  find,  at  present,  no  one  here 
willing  or  ready  to  have  his  nose  blown  in  this  manner; 
but  I  have  no  manner  of  doubt  I  could  obtain  such  a 
person  from  St.  Louis,  by  Adams  &.  Co.'s  Express,  in  due 
season. 

2.  I  will  hit  a  dollar,  or  any  thing  else  that  has  been 
tossed  in  the  air  (of  the  same  size),  on  a  wheel,  on  a  pole  or* 
axletree,  or  on  the  ground,  every  time  out  of  five. 

3.  At  the  word,  I  will  place  five  balls  on  the  blade  of 
a  penknife,  and  split  them  all  1 

4.  I  will  hit  three  men  out  of  five,  sprung  from  obscure 
parentage,  and  stand  within  ten  feet  of  a  steel-trap  (properly 
set)  while  shooting! 

5.  I  will  break  at  the  word,  a  whole  box  of  common  clay 
pipes,  with  a  single  brick,  at  a  distance  of  thirty  feet. 

6.  I  engage  to  prove  by  a  fair  trial,  that  no  pistol-shot 
(or  other  person)  can  be  produced,  who  will  throw  more 
apples  at  a  man's  head  than  I  can.    Moreover,  I  can  produce 
in  this  town  more  than  sixty  persons  willing  and  ready  to 
hold  an  apple  on  their  heads  for  me  provided  they  are  al- 
lowed to  eat  the  apple  subsequently. 

7.  I  will  wager,  lastly,  that  no  person  in  the  United 
States  can  be  produced,  who,  with  a  double  barrelled  shot- 
gun,  while    throwing   a   back-handed   summerset,   can   hit 


70  PISTOL    SHOOTING A    COUNTER    CHALLENGE. 

oftener,  a  dollar  and  a  half,  on  the  perimeter  of  a  revolving 
wheel,  in  rapid  motion,  than  I  can. 

Any  one  desiring  to  take  up  any  of  my  propositions,  will 
address  me  through  the  columns  of  The  Pioneer  Magazine. 
Propositions  will  be  received  on  the  first  of  April  next. 

JOHN  PHGENIX. 

1384  Seventeenth  Street,  Vallecitos. 
"  Se  coinpra  oro  aqui,  up  stairs." 

P.  S.  Satisfactory  references  given  and  required.  A 
bet  from  a  steady,  industrious  person,  who  will  be  apt  to  pa^ 
if  he  loses,  will  meet  with  prompt  attention.  J.  P. 


ANTIDOTE  FOB  FLEAS. 


Tas  following  recipe  from  the  writings  of  Miss  Hannah 
More,  may  "be  found  useful  to  jour  readers : 

In  a  climate  where  the  attacks  of  fleas  are  a  constant 
source  of  annoyance,  any  method  which  will  alleviate  them 
becomes  a  desideratum.  It  is,  therefore,  with  pleasure  I 
make  known  the  following  recipe,  which  I  am  assured  has 
been  tried  with  efficacy. 

Boil  a  quart  of  tar  until  it  becomes  quite  thin.  Remove 
the  clothing,  and  before  the  tar  becomes  perfectly  cool,  with 
a  broad  flat  brush,  apply  a  thin,  smooth  coating  to  the  entire 
surface  of  the  body  and  limbs.  "While  the  tar  remains  soft 
the  flea  becomes  entangled  in  its  tenacious  folds,  and  is 
rendered  perfectly  harmless ;  but  it  will  soon  form  a  hard, 
smooth  coating,  entirely  impervious  to  his  bite.  Should  the 
coating  crack  at  the  knee  or  elbow  joints,  it  is  merely  neces- 
sary to  retouch  it  slightly  at  those  places.  The  whole  coat 
should  be  renewed  every  three  or  four  weeks.  This  remedy 


72  ANTIDOTE    FOR    FLEAS. 

is  sure,  and  having  the  advantage  of  simplicity  and  economy, 
should  be  generally  known. 

So  much  for  Miss  More.  A  still  simpler  method  of  pre- 
venting the  attacks  of  these  little  pests,  is  one  which  I  have 
lately  discovered  myself; — in  theory  only — I  have  not  yet 
put  it  into  practice.  On  feeling  the  bite  of  a  flea,  thrust  the 
part  bitten  immediately  into  boiling  water.  The  heat  of  the 
water  destroys  the  insect  and  instantly  removes  the  pain  of 
the  bite. 

You  have  probably  heard  of  old  Parry  Dox.  I  met  him 
here  a  few  days  since,  in  a  sadly  seedy  condition.  He  told 
me  that  he  was  still  extravagantly  fond  of  whisky,  though  he 
was  constantly  "running  it  down."  I  inquired  after  his 
wife.  "  She  is  dead,  poor  creature,"  said  he, "  and  is  probably 
far  better  off  than  ever  she  was  here.  She  was  a  seamstress, 
and  her  greatest  enjoyment  of  happiness  in  this  world  was 
only  so,  «o." 


PHCENIX  AT  THE  MISSION  DOLOKES. 


MISSION  OF  DOLORES,  15th  January,  1855. 

IT  was  my  intention  to  furnish  you,  this  month,  with  an 
elaborate  article  on  a  deeply  interesting  subject,  but  a  serious 
domestic  calamity  has  prevented.  I  allude  to  the  loss  of 
my  stove-pipe,  in  the  terrific  gale  of  the  31st  December. 

There  are  few  residents  of  this  city  whose  business  or 
inclination  has  called  them  to  the  Mission  of  Dolores,  that 
have  not  seen  and  admired  that  stove-pipe.  Rising  above 
the  kitchen  chimney  to  the  noble  altitude  of  nearly  twelve 
feet,  it  pointed  to  a  better  world,  and  was  pleasantly  sugges- 
tive of  hot  cakes  for  breakfast.  From  the  window  of  my 
back  porch,  I  have  gazed  for  hours  upon  that  noble  structure ; 
and  watching  its  rotary  cap,  shifting  with  every  breeze,  and 
pouring  forth  clouds  of  gas  and  vapor,  I  have  mused  on  poli- 
tics, and  fancied  myself  a  Politician.  It  was  an  accomplished 
stove-pipe.  The  melody  accompanying  its  movements,  in- 
Bptly  termed  creaking  by  the  soulless,  gave  evidence  of  its 


74  PHCENIX   AT   THE   MISSION   DOLORES. 

taste  for  Music,  and  its  proficiency  in  Drawing  was  the 
wonder  and  delight  of  our  family  circle.  It  had  no  bad 
habits — it  did  not  even  smoke. 

I  fondly  hoped  to  enjoy  its  society  for  years,  but  one  by 
one  our  dearest  treasures  are  snatched  from  us :  the  soot  fell, 
and  the  stove-pipe  has  followed  soot.  On  the  night  of  the 
31st  of  Dec.,  a  gale  arose,  perfectly  unexampled  in  its  ter- 
rific violence.  Houses  shook  as  with  tertian  ague,  trees  were 
uprooted,  roofs  blown  off,  and  ships  foundered  at  the  docks. 
A  stove-pipe  is  not  a  pyramid — what  resistance  could  mine 
oppose  to  such  a  storm  ?  One  by  one  its  protecting  wires 
were  severed ;  and  as  it  bowed  its  devoted  head  to  the  fury 
of  the  blast,  shrieks  of  more  than  mortal  agony  attested  the 
desperate  nature  of  its  situation.  At  length  the  Storm 
Spirit  fell  upon  the  feeble  and  reeling  structure  in  its  wrath, 
and  whirling  it  madly  in  the  air  with  resistless  force,  break- 
ing several  tenpenny  nails,  and  loosening  many  of  the  upper 
bricks  of  the  chimney,  dashed  it  down  to  earth.  But  why 
harrow  up  the  feelings  of  your  readers  by  a  continuation  of 
the  distressing  narrative.  The  suffering  that  we  have  en- 
dured, the  tears  that  have  been  shed  since  this  loss  will  be 
understood,  and  commiserated,  when  I  add — the  next  morn- 
ing the  kitchen  chimney  smoked,  and  has  been  doing  it  in- 
termittently ever  since  ! 

Since  my  last,  scarcely  a  gleam  of  fun  has  come  to  illu 
mine  the  usual  dull  monotony  of  the  Mission  of  Dolores, — • 

"  The  days  have  been  dark  and  dreary- 
It  rains,  and  the  wind  is  never  weary." 


PHCENIX    AT   THE    MISSION   DOLORES.  75 

A  little  occurrence  at  the  toll-gate,  the  other  day,  is  worthy 
of  notice,  perhaps,  as  betokening  "  the  good  time  a-coming." 
A  well-known  gentleman  of  your  city,  who  frequently  drives 
forth  on  the  Plank  Road,  perched  on  one  of  those  little  gigH 
that  somebody  compares  to  a  tea-tray  on  wheels,  with  the 
reins  hanging  down  behind,  like  unfastened  suspenders,  in  an 
absent  frame  of  mind,  drove  slowly  past  the  Rubicon  without 
bifurcating  the  customary  half-dollar.  Out  rushed  the  en- 
thusiastic toll-gatherers,  shouting,  "  Toll,  sir,  toll !  you've 
forgot  the  toll ! "  "  Oh !  don't  bother  me,  gentlemen,"  re- 
plied the  absent  one,  in  a  lachrymose  tone,  and  with  a  most 
woful  expression,  "  Pm  an  orphan  boy  I  "  This  appeal  to 
the  sympathies  of  the  toll-men  was  effective;  their  hearts 
were  touched,  and  the  orphan  went  on  his  way  rejoicing. 

It  is  amusing  to  observe  the  shifts  a  maker  of  Poetry  will 
resort  to,  when  compelled  to  make  use  of  an  irrelevant  sub- 
ject to  eke  out  his  rhyme  to  convince  himself  and  his  readers 
that  the  faux  pas  was  quite  intentional,  the  result  of  study, 
and  should  be  admired  rather  than  criticised.  In  a  poem 
called  "  Al  Aaraaf,"  by  Edgar  A.  Poe,  who,  when  living, 
thought  himself,  in  all  seriousness,  the  only  living  original 
Poet,  and  that  all  other  manufacturers  of  Poetry  were  mere 
copyists,  continually  infringing  on  his  patent — occurs  the  fol- 
lowing passage,  in  which  may  be  found  a  singular  instance  of 
the  kind  alluded  to  : 

'  Ligcia!  Ligeiat 
My  beautiful  one ! 
Whose  harshest  idea 
Will  to  melody  run : 


76  PHCENIX   AT    THE    MISSION   DOLORES 

Oh  is  it  thy  will, 

On  the  breezes  to  toss  ; 

Or  capriciously  still, 

Like  the  lone  Albatross, 

Incumbent  on  Night, 

(As  she  on  the  air), 

To  keep  watch  with  delight 

On  the  harmony  there  ?  " 

Observe  that  note :  "  The  Albatross  is  said  to  sleep  on 
the  wing."  Who  said  so  ?  I  should  like  to  know.  Buffon 
didn't  mention  it ;  neither  does  Audubon.  Coleridge,  who 
mado  the  habits  of  that  rare  bird  a  study,  never  found  it  out ; 
and  the  undersigned,  who  has  gazed  on  many  Albatrosses, 
and  had  much  discourse  with  ancient  mariners  concerning 
them,  never  suspected  the  circumstance,  or  heard  it  elsewhere 
remarked  upon. 

I  am  inclined  to  believe  that  it  never  occurred  to  Mr. 
Poe,  until  having  become  embarrassed  by  that  unfortunate 
word  "  toss,"  he  was  obliged  to  bring  in  either  a  hoss,  or  an 
albatross ;  and  preferring  the  bird  as  the  more  poetical,  in- 
vented the  extraordinary  fact  to  explain  his  appearance. 

The  above  lines,  I  am  told,  have  been  much  admired ;  but 
if  they  are  true  poetry,  so  are  the  following : 

Highflier!  Highflier! 

My  long-legged  one ! 

Whose  mildest  idea 

Is  to  kick  up  and  run : 

Oh,  is  it  thy  will 

Thy  switch-tail  to  toss ; 

Or  caper  viciously  still, 

Like  an  old  sorrel  horse,  [pron.  " 


THCENIX    AT    THE   MISSION   DOLORES.  77 

Incumbent  on  thee, 
As  on  him,  to  rear,  \_pron.  "  rare,"] 
And  though  sprung  in  the  knee, 
With  thy  heels  in  the  air  ? 

A  note  for  me,  and  the  man  waiting  for  an  answer,  said  ye  ? 
Now,  by  the  shade  of  Shadrach,  and  the  chimney  of  Nebu- 
chadnezzar's fiery  furnace !  'tis  the  bill  for  the  new  chimney ! 
Bills,  bills,  bills !  How  can  a  man  name  his  child  William  ? 
The  horrid  idea  of  the  partner  of  his  joys,  and  sorrows,  pre- 
senting him  with  a  Bill ! — and  to  have  that  Bill  continually 
in  the  house — constantly  running  up  and  down  stairs — al- 
ways unsettled, — Distraction's  in  the  thought !  Tell  that 
man,  Bridget,  I'm  sick;  and,  lucky  thought,  say  it's  the 
smallpox;  and  ask  him  to  call  again  when  I've  got  better, 

and  gone  to  San  Diego  for  my  health. He's  gone.     I  see 

him  from  a  hole  in  the  window  curtain,  flying  off  in  a  zig- 
zag direction,'  and  looking  back  timorously,  like  a  jacksnipe, 
with  his  long  bill.  I  shall  write  no  more ;  like  that  bill,  I 
feel  unsettled.  Adieu ! 


SQUIBOB  IN  BENICIA. 

BENICIA,  October  l&t,  1850. 

LEAVING  the  metropolis  last  evening  by  the  graduallj-m- 
ereasing-in-popularity  steamer,  "  West  Point,"  I  '  skeeted '  up 
Pablo  Bay  with  the  intention  of  spending  a  few  day?  at  tho 
world-renowned  seaport  of  Benicia.  Our  Captain  (a  very 
pleasant  and  gentlemanly  little  fellow  by  the  way)  was  named 
Swift,  our  passengers  were  emphatically  a  fast  set,  the  wind 
blew  like  well-watered  rose  bushes,  and  the  tide  was  strong 
in  our  favor.  All  these  circumstances  tended  to  impress  me 
with  the  idea,  that  we  were  to  make  a  wonderfully  quick 
passage,  but  alas,  "the  race  ib  not  always  to  the  Swift,"  tliq 
"  Senator  "  passed  us  ten  miles  from  the  wharf,  and  it  was  nine 
o'clock  and  very  dark  at  that,  when  we  were  roped  in  by  the 
Bide  of  the  "  ancient  and  fishlike "  smelling  hulk  that  forms 
the  broad  wharf  of  Benicia.  As  I  shouldered  my  carpet  bag, 
and  stepped  upon  the  wharf  among  the  dense  crowd  of  four 
individuals  that  were  there  assembled,  and  gazing  upon  the 


SQTIIBOB   IN   BENICIA.  79 

mighty  city  wliose  glimmering  lights,  feebly  discernible  through 
the  Benician  darkness,  extended  over  an  area  of  five  acres,  an 
overpowering  sense  of  the  grandeur  and  majesty  of  the  great 
rival  of  San  Francisco,  affected  me. — I  felt  my  own  extreme 
insignificance,  and  was  fain  to  lean  upon  a  pile  of  water  mel- 
ons for  support.  "  Boy ! "  said  I,  addressing  an  intelligent  speci- 
men of  humanity  who  formed  an  integral  portion  of  the  above 
mentioned  crowd,  "  Boy !  can  you  direct  me  to  the  best  hotel 
in  this  city  ?  " — "  Aint  but  one,"  responded  the  youth,  "  Winn 
keeps  it ;  right  up  the  hill  thar."  Decidedly,  thought  I,  I  will  go 
in  to  Winn,  and  reshouldering  my  carpet  bag,  I  blundered  down 
the  ladder,  upon  a  plank  foot-path  leading  over  an  extensive 
morass  in  the  direction  indicated,  not  noticing,  in  my  abstrac- 
tion, that  I  had  inadvertently  retained  within  my  grasp  the 
melon  upon  which  my  hand  had  rested  "  Saw  yer  /"  resounded 
from  the  wharf  as  I  retired — "  Saw  yer  !  "  repeated  several  in- 
dividuals upon  the  foot-path.  For  an  instant  my  heart  beat 
with  violence  at  the  idea  of  being  seen  accidentally  appropri- 
ating so  contemptible  an  affair  as  a  water-melon ;  but  hearing 
a  man  with  a  small  white  hat  and  large  white  moustache, 
shout  "  hello  !  "  and  immediately  rush  with  frantic  violence  up 
the  ladder,  I  comprehended  that  Sawyer  was  his  proper  name, 
and  by  no  means  alluded  to  me  or  my  proceedings ;  so  slip- 
ping the  melon  in  my  carpet  bag,  I  tranquilly  resumed  my 
journey.  A  short  walk  brought  me  to  the  portal  of  the  best 
and  only  hotel  in  the  city,  a  large  two-story  building  digni- 
fied by  the  title  of  the  "  Solano  Hotel,"  where  I  was  graciously 
received  by  mine  host,  who  welcomed  me  to  Benicia  in  the 


80  SQUJBOB   IN   BENICIA. 

most  winning  manner.  After  slightly  refreshing  my  innei 
man  with  a  feeble  stimulant,  and  undergoing  an  introductior 
to  the  oldest  inhabitant,  I  calmly  seated  myself  in  the  bar-room( 
and  contemplated  with  intense  interest  the  progress  of  a  game 
of  billiards  between  two  enterprising  citizens ;  but  finding  after 
a  lapse  of  two  hours,  that  there  was  no  earthly  probability  of  its 
ever  being  concluded,  I  seized  a  candlestick  and  retired  to  my 
room.  Here  I  discussed  my  melon  with  intense  relish,  and 
then  seeking  my  couch,  essayed  to  sleep. — But,  oh !  the  fleas ! 
skipping,  hopping,  crawling,  biting !  "  Won't  some  one  estab- 
lish an  agency  for  the  sale  of  D.  L.  Charles  &  Go's.  Flea 
bane,  in  Benicia  ?"  I  agonizingly  shouted,  and  echo  answered 
through  the  reverberating  halls  of  the  "  Solano  Hotel,"  "  Yes, 
they  won't !  "  What  a  night  1  But  every  thing  must  have  an 
end  (circles  and  California  gold  excepted),  and  day  at  last 
broke  ov<!r  Benicia.  Magnificent  place !  I  gazed  upon  it 
from  the  attic  window  of  the  "  Solano  Hotel,"  with  feelings 
too  deep  for  utterance.  The  sun  was  rising  in  its  majesty) 
gilding  the  red  wood  shingles  of  the  U.  S.  Storehouses  in  the 
distance;  seven  deserted  hulks  were  riding  majestically  at 
anchor  in  the  bay;  clothes-lines,  with  their  burdens,  were 
flapping  in  the  morning  breeze ;  a  man  with  a  wheelbarrow 
was  coming  down  the  street ! — Every  thing,  in  short,  spoke  o/ 
the  life,  activity,  business,  and  bustle  of  a  great  city.  But  in 
the  midst  of  the  excitement  of  this  scene,  an  odoriferous 
smell  of  beef-steak  came,  like  a  holy  calm,  across  my  olfacto- 
ries, and  hastily  drawing  in  my  cdbeza,  I  descended  to  break- 
fast. This  operation  concluded,  I  took  a  stroll  in  company 


SQUIBOB    IN   BENICIA.  81 

with  the  oldest  inhabitant,  from  whom  I  obtained  much  val- 
uable information  (which  I  hasten  to  present),  and  whc 
cheerfully  volunteered  to  accompany  me  as  a  guide,  to  the 
lions  of  the  city.  There  are  no  less  than  forty-two  wooden 
houses,  many  of  them  two  stories  in  height,  in  this  great 
place — and  nearly  twelve  hundred  inhabitants,  men,  women 
and  children  !  There  are  six  grocery,  provision,  drygoods, 
auction,  commission,  and  where-you-can-get-almost-any-little- 
thing-you-want-stores,  one  hotel,  one  school-house — which  is 
also  a  brevet  church — three  billiard  tables,  a  post-office — from 
which  I  actually  saw  a  man  get  a  letter — and  a  ten-pin-alley, 
where  I  am  told  a  man  once  rolled  a  whole  game,  paid  $1.50 
for  it,  and  walked  off  chuckling. — Then  there  is  a  "  monte 
bank  " — a  Common  Council,  and  a  Mayor,  whom  my  guidi 
informed  me,  was  called  M  Carne"  from  a  singular  habit  hi 
has  of  eating  roast  beef  for  dinner. — But  there  isn't  a  tret 
in  all  Benicia.  "  There  was  one,"  said  the  guide,  "  last  yeai 
— only  four  miles  from  here,  but  they  chopped  it  down  foi 
firewood  for  the  'post.'  Alas  !  why  didn't  the  woodman  spare 
that  tree  ?  "  The  dwelling  of  one  individual  pleased  me  in- 
describably— he  had  painted  it  a  vivid  green !  Imaginative 
being.  He  had  evidently  tried  to  fancy  it  a  tree,  and  in  the 
enjoyment  of  this  sweet  illusion,  had  reclined  beneath  its 
grateful  shade,  secured  from  the  rays  of  the  burning  sun,  and 
m  the  full  enjoyment  of  rural  felicity  even  among  the  crowded 
streets  of  this  great  metropolis.  How  pretty  is  the  map  of 
Benicia !  We  went  to  see  that,  too.  It's  all  laid  off  in 

squares  and  streets,  for  ever  so  far,  and  you  can  see  the  pegi 
6 


82  SQUIBOB    IN   BENICIA. 

stuck  in  the  ground  at  every  corner,  only  they  are  not  exact 
ly  in  a  line,  sometimes;  and  there  is  Aspinwall's  wharf,  whera 
they  are  building  a  steamer  of  iron,  that  looks  like  a  large  pan , 
and  Semple  Slip,  all  divided  on  the  map  by  lines  and  dots,  into 
little  lots,  of  incredible  value ;  but  just  now  they  are  all  under 
water,  so  no  one  can  tell  what  they  are  actually  worth.  Oh  ! 
decidedly  Benicia  is  a  great  place.  "  And  how  much,  my  dear 
sir,"  I  modestly  inquired  of  the  gentlemanly  recorder  who 
displayed  the  map  ;  "  how  much  may  this  lot  be  worth  ?  "  and 
I  pointed  with  my  finger  at  lot  No.  97,  block  16,496 — situa- 
ted as  per  map,  in  the  very  centre  of  the  swamp.  "  That,  sir," 
replied  he  with  much  suavity,  "  ah !  it  would  be  held  at  about 
three  thousand  dollars,  I  suppose." — I  shuddered — and  re- 
tired. The  history  of  Benicia  is  singular.  The  origin  of  its 
name  as  related  by  the  oldest  inhabitant  is  remarkable.  I  put 
it  right  down  in  my  note-book  as  he  spoke,  and  believe  it 
religiously,  every  word.  "  Many  years  ago,"  said  that  aged 
man,  "  this  property  was  owned  by  two  gentlemen,  one  of 
whom,  from  the  extreme  candor  and  ingenuousness  of  his 
character,  we  will  call  Simple ;  the  other  being  distinguished 
for  waggery,  and  a  disposition  for  practical  joking,  I  shall 
call,  as  in  fact  he  was  familiarly  termed  in  those  days — Lar- 
kin.  While  walking  over  these  grounds  in  company,  on  ono 
occasion,  and  being  naturally  struck  by  its  natural  advanta* 
ges,  said  Simple  to  Larkin,  { Why  not  make  a  city  here,  my 
boy  ?  have  it  surveyed  into  squares,  bring  up  ships,  build 
houses,  make  it  a  port  of  entry,  establish  depots,  sell  lots,  and 
knock  the  centre  out  of  Yerba  Buena  straight.'  (Yerba 


SQUIBOB    IN   BENICIA  83 

Buena  is  now  San  Francisco, reader.)  '  All ! '  quoth  Larkiii  with 
a  pleasant  grin  diffusing  itself  over  his  agreeable  countenance 
1  that  would  be  nice,  hey  ? '  "  Need  we  say  that  the  plan  was 
adopted — carried  out — proved  successful — and  Larkin's  me- 
morable remark  "  be  nice,  hey,"  being  adopted  as  the  name  of  the 
growing  city,  gradually  became  altered  and  vulgarized  into  its 
present  form  Benicia !  A  curious  history  this,  which  would 
have  delighted  Home  Took  beyond  measure.  Having  visited 
the  Masonic  Hall,  which  is  really  a  large  and  beautiful  build- 
ing, reflecting  credit  alike  on  the  Architect  and  the  fraternity) 
being  by  far  the  best  and  most  convenient  hall  in  the  coun- 
try, I  returned  to  the  Solano  Hotel,  where  I  was  accosted 
by  a  gentleman  in  a  blue  coat  with  many  buttons,  and  a  san- 
guinary streak  down  the  leg  of  his  trowsers,  whom  I  almost 
immediately  recognized  as  my  old  friend,  Captain  George  P. 
Jambs,  of  the  U.  S.  Artillery,  a  thorough-going  adobe,  as  the 
Spaniard  has  it,  and  a  member  in  high  and  regular  standing 
of  the  Dumfudgin  Club.  He  lives  in  a  delightful  little  cot- 
tage, about  a  quarter  of  a  mile  from  the  centre  of  the  city — 
being  on  duty  at  the  Post — which  is  some  mile,  mile  and 
a  half  or  two  miles  from  that  metropolis — and  pressed  me  so 
earnestly  to  partake  of  his  hospitality  during  my  short  sojourn, 
that  I  was  at  last  fain  to  pack  up  my  property,  including  the 
remains  of  the  abstracted  melon,  and  in  spite  of  the  blandish- 
ments of  my  kind  host  of  the  Solano,  accompany  him  to  hia 
domicile,  which  he  very  appropriately  names  "  Mischief  Hall." 
So  here  I  am  installed  for  a  few  days,  at  the  expiration  of 
which  I  shall  make  a  rambling  excursion  to  Sonoma,  Napa 


84  SQUIBOB    IN   BENICIA. 

and  the  like,  and  from  whence  perhaps  you  may  hear  from 
me.  As  I  set  here  looking  from  my  airy  chamber,  upon  the 
crowds  of  two  or  three  persons,  thronging  the  streets  of  the 
great  city ;  as  I  gaze  upon  that  man  carrying  home  a  pound 
and  a  half  of  fresh  beef  for  his  dinner;  as  I  listen  to  the  bell  of 
the  Mary  (a  Napa  steam  packet  of  four  cat  power)  ringing  for 
departure,  while  her  captain  in  a  hoarse  voice  of  authority,  re- 
quests the  passengers  to  "  step  over  the  other  side,  as  the  lar- 
board paddle-box  is  under  water;"  as  I  view  all  these  unmis- 
takable signs  of  the  growth  and  prosperity  of  Benicia,  I  can- 
not but  wonder  at  the  infatuation  of  the  people  of  your  vil- 
lage, who  will  persist  in  their  absurd  belief  that  San  Fran- 
cisco will  become  a  place,  and  do  not  hesitate  to  advance  the 
imbecile  idea  that  it  may  become  a  successful  rival  of  this 
city.  Nonsense ! — Oh  Lord !  at  this  instant  there  passed  by 
my  window  the — prettiest — little — I  can't  write  any  more 
this  week ;  if  this  takes,  I'll  try  it  again. 
Yours  for  ever 

SQUIBOB 


SQUIBOB  IN  SONOMA. 

SONOMA,  October  10, 1350. 

1  ARRIVED  at  tliis  place  some  days  since,  but  have  been 
BO  entirely  occupied  during  the  interval,  in  racing  over  tho 
adjacent  hills  in  pursuit  of  unhappy  partridges,  wandering 
along  the  banks  of  the  beautiful  creek,  whipping  its  tranquil 
surface  for  speckled  trout,  or  cramming  myself  with  grapes 
at  the  vineyard,  that  I  have  not,  until  this  moment,  found 
time  to  fulfil  my  promise  of  a  continuation  of  my  travelling 
adventures.  I  left  Benicia  with  satisfaction.  Ungrateful 
people  I  had  expected,  after  the  very  handsome  manner  in 
which  I  had  spoken  of  their  city ;  the  glowing  description  of 
its  magnitude,  prosperity  and  resources  that  I  had  given,  the 
consequent  rise  in  property  that  had  taken  place ;  the  mani- 
fest effect  that  my  letter  would  produce  upon  the  action  oi 
Congress  in  making  Benicia  a  port  of  entry ;  in  view  of  all 
these  circumstances  I  had,  indeed,  expected  some  trifling 
compliment — a  public  dinner,  possibly,  or  peradventure  a  deli- 
cate present  of  a  lot  or  two — the  deeds  inclosed  in  a  n/£.t  and 


86  SQUIBOB    IN    SONOMA. 

appropriate  letter  from  the  Town  Council.  But  no ! — the 
name  of  Squibob  remains  unhonored  and  unsung,  and,  what  is 
far  worse,  unrecorded  and  untaxed  in  magnificent  Benicia. 
"  How  sharper  than  a  serpent's  thanks  it  is  to  have  a  toothless 
child,"  as  Pope  beautifully  remarks  in  his  Paradise  Lost. 
One  individual  characterized  my  letter  as  "a  d — d  burlesque." 
I  pity  that  person,  and  forgive  him. 

For  the  last  few  days  of  my  stay  in  Benicia,  that  city 
was  in  a  perfect  whirl  of  excitement.  The  election  was 
rapidly  approaching,  and  Herr  Rossiter  was  exhibiting  feats 
of  legerdemain  at  the  California  House.  Individuals  were 
rushing  about  the  streets  proffering  election  tickets  of  all 
shapes  and  sizes,  and  tickets  for  the  exhibition  were  on  sale 
at  all  the  principal  hotels.  One  man  conjured  you  to  take  a 
ticket,  while  another  asked  you  to  take  a  ticket  to  see  the 
man  conjured,  so  that  what,  with  the  wire-pulling  by  day, 
and  the  slack  wire  performance  by  night,  you  stood  an  excel 
lent  chance  for  getting  slightly  bewildered.  Public  meetings 
were  held,  where  multitudes  of  fifty  excited  individuals  sur 
rounded  the  steps  of  the  "  El  Dorado,"  listening  with  breath- 
less interest  to  a  speech  in  favor  of  McDaniels,  and  abusive  to 
Bradford,  or  in  favor  of  somebody  else  and  everlastingly  con- 
demnatory of  both.  Election  meetings,  any  where,  are  al- 
ways exciting  and  interesting  spectacles,  but  the  moral  effect 
produced  by  the  last  which  I  attended  in  Benicia,  when  (after 
some  little  creature  named  Frisbie  had  made  a  speech,  declar- 
ing his  readiness  to  wrap  himself  in  the  Star-spangled  Ban- 
ner, fire  off  a  pistol,  and  die  like  a  son  of Liberty,  foi 


SQUIBOB    IN    SONOMA.  87 

the  Union)  Dr.  Simple  slowly  unfolded  himself  to 
his  utmost  height,  and  with  one  hand  resting  upon  the 
chimney  of  the  "  El  Dorado,"  and  the  other  holding  hia 
serape  up  to  Heaven,  denounced  such  sentiments,  and  declar- 
ing that  California  had  made  him,  and  he  should  go  his 
length  for  California,  right  or  wrong,  union  or  disunion. 
The  moral  effect,  I  say,  produced,  was  something  more  than 
exciting ;  it  was  sublime ;  it  was  tremendous !  "  That's  a 
right-down  good  speech,"  said  my  fair  companion ;  "  but  my ! 
how  the  General  gave  it  to  him !  didn't  he,  Mr.  Squibob  ?  " 
"  He  did  so,"  said  I.  The  candidates  were  all  Democrats,  I 
believe,  and  all  but  one  entertained  the  same  political  senti- 
ments. This  gentleman  (a  candidate  for  the  Senate),  how- 
ever, in  the  elucidation  of  his  political  principles,  declared 
that  he  "  went  in  altogether  for  John  C.  Calhoun,  and 
nothing  shorter."  Now  I'm  no  politician,  and  have  no  wish 
to  engage  in  a  controversy  on  the  subject ;  but,  God  forgive 
me  if  I  am  in  error,  I  thought  Calhoun  had  been  dead  for 
some  months.  Well,  I  suppose  some  one  is  elected  by  this 
time,  and  the  waves  of  political  excitement  have  become 
calm,  but  Benicia  was  a  stormy  place  during  the  election,  I 
assure  you.  I  succeeded  in  borrowing  one  dollar  at  ten  per 
cent,  a  month  (with  security  on  a  corner  lot  in  Kearney 
street,  San  Francisco),  purchased  a  ticket,  and  went  to  seo 
Herr  Rossiter.  Gracious !  how  he  balanced  tobacco  pipes> 
and  tossed  knives  in  the  air,  and  jumped  on  a  wire,  and  sat 
down  on  it,  and  rolled  over  it,  and  made  it  swing  to  and  fro 
while  he  threw  little  brass  balls  from  one  hand  to  the  other 


58  SQUIBOB    IN    SONOMA. 

The  applause  was  tremendous,  and  when,  after  a  solo  by  the 
orchestra  (which  consisted  of  one  seedy  violin,  played  by  an 
individual  in  such  a  state  of  hopeless  inebriation  that  hia 
very  fiddle  seemed  to  hiccough),  he  threw  a  back-handed  sum- 
merset, and  falling  in  a  graceful  attitude,  informed  the  audi- 
ence that  "  he  should  appear  again  to-morrow  evening  with  a 
change  of  performance."  We  enthusiastically  cheered,  and 
my  friend,  the  man  in  the  red  vest,  who  had  sat  during  the 
whole  evening  in  a  state  of  rapt  admiration,  observed  with  a 
profound  ejaculation,  "  that  it  went  ahead  of  any  thing  he 
had  ever  seen  in  his  life,  except  the  Falls  of  Niagara !  "  I 
made  many  friends  in  Benicia.  I  don't  like  the  place  much, 
but  I  do  like  the  people ;  and  among  my  acquaintances,  from 
Dr.  Simple  to  my  ffiend  Mr.  Sawyer,  which  two  gentlemen 
may  be  termed  the  long  and  short  of  the  place ; — I  have 
never  met  with  more  kindness,  more  genuine  hospitality  than 
from  the  gentlemen  of  Benicia.  The  ladies  are  pretty,  too ; 
but,  to  use  an  entirely  original  metaphor,  which,  I  presume, 
none  of  your  readers  ever  heard  before  or  will  hear  again : 
they  are  "  like  angels'  visits,  few  and  far  between."  There 
isn't  a  more  moral  place  on  the  face  of  the  earth  than 
Benicia.  Ephesus,  where  the  stupid  people,  a  few  yeara 
since,  used  to  worship  Diana,  wasn't  a  circumstance  to  it. 

Sonoma  is  twelve  miles  from  Napa,  and  is — but  I  shall 
defer  my  description  until  next  week,  for  I  have  scarcely 
made  up  my  mind  with  regard  to  it,  and  my  waning  papei 
warns  me  I  have  said  enough  at  present.  Yours  for  ever. 


SQUH30B  IN  SAN  FRANCISCO. 

October  15th,  185(. 

TIME  !  At  the  word  Squibob  comes  cheerfully  up  to  the 
gcratch,  and  gracefully  smiling  upon  his  friends  and  sup 
porters,  lets  fly  his  one,  two,  as  follows ; — 

Sonoma  is  a  nice  place.  As  my  Sabbath  school  in- 
structor (peace  to  his  memory)  used  to  add,  by  way  of  a 
clincher  to  his  dictum — Piety  is  the  foundation  of  all  Ke- 
ligion — "  thar  can't  be  no  doubt  on't."  Situated  in  the 
midst  of  the  delightful  and  fertile  valley  which  bears  its  name, 
within  three  miles  of  the  beautiful  creek  upon  whose  "  sil 
very  tide,  where  whilom  sported  the  tule  boats  of  the  un 
pleasant  Indians,  the  magnificent  (ly  little)  steamer  Georgina 
now  puffs  and  wheezes  tri-weekly  from  San  Fransicso ;  en- 
joying an  unvaryingly  salubrious  climate,  neither  too  warm 
nor  too  cold.  With  little  wind,  few  fleas,  and  a  sky  of  that 
peculiarly  blue  description,  that  Fremont  terms  the  Italian, 
it  may  well  be  called,  as  by  the  sentimentally  struck  travel- 
ling snob  it  frequently  in,  the  Garden  of  California.  I  re 


90  SQUIBOB   IN    SAN    FRANCISCO. 

mained  there  ten  whole  days — somewhat  of  a  marvel  for  sc 
determined  a  gad-about  as  myself — and  don't  remember  of 
ever  passing  ten  days  more  pleasantly.  It  is  useless  for  me 
to  occupy  time,  and  trespass  upon  your  patience  by  a  lengthy 
description  of  Sonoma.  If  any  of  your  readers  would  know 
the  exact  number  of  houses  it  contains,  the  names  of  the 
people  who  dwell  therein,  the  botanical  applications  of  the 
plants  growing  in  its  vicinity,  or  any  thing  else  about  it  that 
would  be  of  any  mortal  use  to  any  one,  without  being  posi- 
tively amusing,  let  them  purchase  Revere,  or  some  other 
equally  scientific  work  on  California,  and  inform  themselves; 
suffice  it  to  say  that  there  is  delightful  society,  beautiful 
women,  brave  men,  and  most  luscious  grapes  to  be  found 
there ;  and  the  best  thing  one  can  possibly  do,  if  a  tired  and 
ennuyeed  resident  of  San  Francisco,  Benicia,  or  any  other 
great  city  of  all  work  and  no  play,  is  to  take  the  Georgina 
Borne  pleasant  afternoon  and  go  up  there  for  a  change.  He'll 
find  it !  General  Smith  and  his  staff  reside  at  Sonoma,  and 
a  small  detachment  of  troops  have  their  station  and  quarters 
there.  I  saw  a  trooper  in  the  street  one  day;  he  wore  a 
coat  with  a  singularly  brief  tail,  and  a  nose  of  a  remarkably 
vivid  tinge  of  redness.  I  thought  he  might  have  just  returned 
from  the  expedition,  for  his  limbs  were  evidently  weakened 
by  toil  and  privation,  and  his  course  along  the  street  slow  in 
movement  and  serpentine  in  direction.  I  would  have  asked 
him  to  proceed  to  the  Sink  of  Mary's  River,  and  recover  an 
odd  boot  that  I  left  there  last  fall,  but  he  looked  scarcely  fit 
to  make  the  journey.  I  feared  he  might  be  Jenkins,  and 


SQUIBOB    IN    SAN   FRANCISCO.  91 

forbore  But  it's  a  glorious  thing  to  reflect  that  we  have  an 
army  at  our  disposal  in  this  country,  and  a  blessed  reflection, 
that  should  we  lose  any  old  clothing  in  the  wilderness,  we 
can  get  Mr.  Crawford  to  get  that  branch  of  the  service  to 
pick  it  up. 

Tired  at  last  of  monotony,  even  in  beautiful  Sonoma,  I 
packed  up  my  carpet  bag,  and  taking  the  two-mule  stage, 
passed  through  pretty  little  "  Napa  "  again,  and  found  my- 
self, one  evening,  once  more  at  Benicia.  It  had  increased 
somewhat  since  I  had  left  it.  I  observed  several  new  clothes 
poles  had  been  erected,  and  noticed  a  hand  cart  at  the  corner 
of  a  street,  that  I  had  never  seen  before.  But  I  had  little 
time  for  observation,  for  the  "  New  World  "  came  puffing  up 
to  the  hulks  as  I  arrived,  and  I  hastily  stepped  on  board. 
Here  I  met  my  ancient  crony,  and  distinguished  friend  Le 
Baron  Vieux,  who  was  on  his  way  from  Sacramento  to 
the  metropolis.  The  Baron  is  a  good  fellow  and  a  funny  man. 
You  have  frequently  laughed  over  his  drolleries  in  the  "  True 
Delta,"  and  in  his  usually  unimpeachably  "  good  style,"  he 
showed  me  about  the  boat,  introduced  me  to  the  captain, 
pointed  out  the  "  model  artists "  who  were  on  board,  and 
finally  capped  the  climax  of  his  polite  attention  by  requesting 
me  to  take  a  drink.  I  didn't  refuse,  particularly — and  we 
descended  to  the  bar.  And  "  what,"  said  the  Baron  with  a 
pleasant  and  hospitable  smile,  "  what,  my  dear  fellow,  will  you 
drink  ? "  I  chose  Bine  and  Witters, — the  Baron  himself 
drinking  Bin  and  Oitters.  We  hob-a-nobbed,  tossed  off  our 
glasses,  without  winking,  and,  for  an  instant  gazed  at  each 


02  SQUIBOB    EN    SAN    FRANCISCO. 

other  in  gasping,  unspeakable  astonishment.  "Turpe*tin« 
and  aqua  fortis  !  "  shuddered  I.  "  Friend  1 "  said  the  Baron, 
in  an  awful  voice,  to  the  "bar-keeper,  "  that  drink  is  fifty  cents  t 
but  I  will  with  pleasure  give  you  a  dollar  to  tell  us  what  it 
was  we  drank."  "  We  call  it,"  replied  that  imperturbable 
man,  "  Sherry  Wine,  but  I  don't  know  as  I  ever  saw 
any  one  drink  it  before."  Quoth  the  Baron,  who  by  this 
time  had  partially  recovered  his  circulation  and  the  conse- 
quent flow  of  his  ideas  :  "  I  think,  my  friend,  you'll  never  seo 
it  drank  before  or  behind,  hereafter."  The  New  World  is 
an  excellent  and,  for  California,  an  elegant  boat.  Her  Cap- 
tain (who  don't  know  Wakenian  ?)  is  a  pleasant  gentleman. 
Her  accommodations  are  unequalled — but,  and  I  say  this 
expressly  for  the  benefit  of  my  brethren  of  the  "  Dumfudgin 
Club,"  never  call  for  "  wine  and  bitters  "  at  her  bar.  Ascend- 
ing to  the  cabin  on  the  upper  deck,  I  had  the  satisfaction  of  a 
formal  presentation  to  Dr.  Collyef  and  his  interesting 
family.  Sober,  high-toned,  moral  and  well-conducted  citi- 
zens may  sneer  if  they  please ;  rowdies  may  visit,  and  with 
no  other  than  the  prurient  ideas  arising  from  their  own  ob- 
scene imaginations,  may  indorse  the  same  opinions  more 
forcibly  by  loud  ejaculations  and  vulgar  remarks;  but  I 
pretend  to  say  that  no  right-minded  man,  with  any  thing  like 
the  commencement  of  a  taste  for  the  beautiful  and  artistic, 
can  attend  one  of  these  "  Model  Artist"  exhibitions  without 
feeling  astonished,  gratified,  and,  if  an  enthusiast,  delighted. 
As  our  gallant  boat,  dashing  the  spray  from  her  bow,  bore 
us  safely  and  rapidly  onward  through  the  lovely  bay  of  San 


SQUIBOB    :N    SAN   FRANCISCO.  93 

Pablo,  the  moon  tipping  with  its  silvery  rays  each  curling 
wave  around  us,  and  shedding  a  flood  of  yellow  light  upon 
our  upper  deck,  "  I  walked  with  Sappho."  And  "  oh, 
beautiful  being,"  said  I,  somewhat  excited  by  the  inspiring 
nature  of  the  scene,  and  possibly,  the  least  thought,  by  the  tur- 
pentine I  had  imbibed,  "  do  you  never  feel,  when  in  the  pride 
of  your  matchless  charms  you  stand  before  us,  the  living, 
breathing  representation  of  the  lovely,  poetic,  and  ill-fated 
Sappho ;  do  you  never  feel  an  inspiration  of  the  moment,  and 
entering  into  the  character,  imagine  yourself  in  mind,  as  in 
form,  her  beauteous  illustration  ?  "  "  Well — yes,"  said  she, 
with  the  slightest  possible  indication  of  a  yawn,  "  I  don't 
know  but  I  do,  but  it's  dreadful  tearing  on  the  legs  !  " 

Hem!  a  steamer's  motion  always  made  me  feel  un- 
pleasantly, and  the  waves  of  San  Pablo  Bay  ran  high  that 
evening.  The  Baron  and  I  took  more  turpentine  immediately. 
We  landed  in  your  metropolis  shortly  after,  and  succeeding 
in  obtaining  a  man  to  carry  my  valise  a  couple  of  squares, 
for  which  service,  being  late,  he  charged  me  but  thirty- 
two  dollars,  I  repaired  to.  and  registered  my  name  at,  the  St. 
Francis  Hotel,  which  being  deciphered  with  an  almost  im- 
perceptible grin  by  my  own  and  every  other  traveller's  agree- 
able and  gentlemanly  friend,  Campbell,  I  received  the  key  of 
No.  12,  and  incontinently  retired  to  rest.  "What  I  have  seen 
in  San  Francisco  I  reserve  for  another  occasion.  I  leave  for 
San  Diego  this  evening,  from  which  place,  I  will  take  an 
early  opportunity  of  addressing  you.  I  regret  that  I  cannot 
remain  to  be  a  participant  in  the  corning  celebration,  but  my 


94  SQUIBOB    IN   SAN   FRANCISCO. 

cousin  Skewball,  a  resident  of  the  city,  who  writes  with  a 
keen  if  not  a  "  caustic  pen,"  has  promised  to  furnish  you  an 
elaborate  account  of  the  affair,  which,  if  you  print,  I  trust  you 
will  send  me.  Write  me  by  the  post  orifice.  Au  reservoir. 


FHCENIX  INSTALLED  EDITOK  OF  THE  3AN 
DIEGO  HEKALD.* 

"  Facilis  decensus  Averni*  which  may  be  liberally,  not  liter- 
ally translated,  it  is  easy  to  go  to  San  Francisco.  Ames  has 
gone;  departed  in  the  "  Groliah."  During  his  absence,  which 
I  trust  will  not  exceed  two  weeks,  I  am  to  remain  in  charge 
of  the  '  Herald,'  the  literary  part  thereof — I  would  beg  to  be 
understood — the  responsible  portion  of  the  editoral  duties 
falling  upon  my  friend  Johnny,  who  has,  in  the  kindest  man- 
ner, undertaken  "  the  fighting  department,"  and  to  whom  I 
hereby  refer  any  pugnacious  or  bellicose  individual  who  may 
take  offence  at  the  tone  of  any  of  my  leaders.  The  public  at 
large,  therefore,  will  understand  that  I  stand  upon  "  Josh 


*  [On  the of 33,  the  Editor  of  the  San  D'cgo  Herald,  a  democratic  organ, 

committed  his  paper  to  the  hands  of  the  writer  of  these  Sketches  to  be  published  aa 
usual,  weekly,  during  the  Editor's  temporary  absence  in  San  Francisco.  On  his  re* 
turn,  shortly  after  the  fall  election,  he  found  the  Herald  still  in  regular  order  of  pub- 
Jcation,  but  owing  to  his  having  neglected  to  charge  his  proxy  with  the  particulaf 
keeping  of  his  political  principles,  or  some  other  cause,  the  Herald,  which  had  been 
an  uncompromising  ally  of  the  Democracy  was  now  no  less  vehement  and  active  on 
the  other  side* 


96  PHffiNIX   AS   EDITOR. 

Haven's  platform/'  which  that  gentleman  defined  some  years 
since  to  be  the  liberty  of  saying  any  thing  he  pleased  about 
any  body,  without  considering  himself  at  all  responsible.  It 
is  an  exceedingly  free  and  independent  position,  and  rather 
agreeable  than  otherwise  ;  but  I  have  no  disposition  whatever 
to  abuse  it. 

It  will  be  perceived  that  I  have  not  availed  myself  of  the 
editorial  privilege  of  using  the  plural  pronoun  in  referring  to 
myself.  This  is  simply  because  I  consider  it  a  ridiculous  af- 
fectation. I  am  a  "  lone,  lorn  man,"  unmarried  (the  Lord  be 
praised  for  his  infinite  mercy),  and  though  blessed  with  a  con. 
Burning  appetite  "  which  causes  the  keepers  of  the  house  where 
I  board  to  tremble,"  I  do  not  think  I  have  a  tape  worm,  there- 
fore I  have  no  claim  whatever  to  call  myself  "  we,"  and  I 
shall  by  no  means  fall  into  that  editorial  absurdity. 

San  Diego  has  been  usually  dull  during  the  past  weekj 
and  a  summary  of  the  news  may  be  summarily  disposed  of. 
There  have  been  no  births,  no  marriages,  no  arrivals,  no  de- 
partures, no  earthquakes,  nothing  but  the  usual  number  of 
drinks  taken,  and  an  occasional  "  small  chunk  of  a  fight  "  (in 
which  no  lives  have  been  lost),  to  vary  the  monotony  of  our  ex- 
istence. Placidly  sat  our  village  worthies  in  the  arm-chairs  in 
front  of  the  "  Exchange,"  puffing  their  short  clay  pipes,  and 
enjoying  their  "  otium  cum  dignitate"  a  week  ago,  and  pla- 
cidly they  sit  there  still. 


The  only  topic  of  interest  now  discussed  among  us  is  the 


PHCENIX    AS    EDITOR.  97 

approaching  election,  and  on  this  subject  I  desire  to  say  a 

few  words : 

**#**** 

To  those  old  soldiers  who  were  with  us  before  the 
adoption  of  the  Constitution,  and,  in  consequence,  are  enti- 
tled to  vote,  I  would  say :  remember,  my  lads,  that  the  duty 
of  a  good  soldier  in  time  of  peace  is  to  be  an  estimable  citizen, 
and,  as  such,  to  assist  in  the  election  of  good  men  to  office. 
The  man  who  seeks  your  vote  for  any  office  by  furnishing  you 
with  whiskey,  gratis,  and  credit  at  his  little  shop  (if  he  hap- 
pens to  keep  one),  is  by  no  means  calculated  to  be  either  a 
good  maker  or  dispenser  of  the  laws.  Drink  his  whiskey,  by 
all  means,  if  you  like  it,  and  he  invites  you,  but  make  him  no 
pledges,  and  on  the  day  of  election  vote  any  other  ticket  than 
that  he  gives  you.  You  know  well  enough,  oh !  my  soldiers, 
how  much  he  cares  for  you,  and  can  appreciate  his  profes- 
sions of  attachment.  They  amount  to  precisely  the  same  as 
those  of  Jacob,  who  bought  the  birthright  of  Esau  for  a  mess  of 
pottage.  Don't  barter  yours  for  a  little  whiskey,  and  make  for 
the  county  a  worse  mess  than  Esau  could  ever  have  concocted. 

Should  any  gentleman,  differing  with  me  in  opinion,  feel 
anxious  "  to  give  utterance  to  the  thought,"  I  can  only  say, 
my  dear  sir,  the  "Herald"  is  an  Independent  paper,  and 
while  I  have  charge  of  it,  its  light  shall  shine  for  all ;  express 
yourself,  therefore,  fully,  but  concisely,  in  an  ably  written 
article;  hand  it  to  me,  and  I  will,  with  pleasure,  present  it  to 
the  world,  through  the  columns  of  this  wide-spread  journal 
merely  reserving  for  myself  the  privilege  of  using  you  up,  a* 


98  PHCENIX   AS    EDITOR. 

I  shall  infallibly  do,  and  to  a  fearful  extent,  if  facts  are  facts, 
reason  is  reasonable,  and  "  I  know  myself  intimately,"  of 
which,  at  present,  I  have  no  manner  of  doubt. 

And  thus  having  said  my  say,  in  a  plain,  straightforward 
manner,  I  shall  close,  for  the  present,  with  the  assurance  to 
the  public,  that  I  remain  their  very  obedient,  and  particularly 
humble  servant. 


Mr.  Kerren  drove  the  Chaplain  to  the  Mission  from  Old 
Town  last  Sunday,  after  the  performance  of  the  afternoon 
service — 

"  With  four  gray  horses,  and  two  on  the  lead, 
They  made  tracts  far  the  other  side  of  Jordan." 

The  rattling  2.40  pace  at  which  they  tore  along,  was  rather 
too  much  for  the  worthy  preacher. 

"  Kerren,"  gasped  his  anxious  reverence,  as  he  held  firm- 
ly by  the  back  seat,  after  a  flying  leap  over  a  stone  of  unusu* 
ally  large  dimensions,  "  do  you  know  why  you  are  like  the 
Pharisees  ?  "  "  No,  sir,"  said  Kerren,  touching  up  his  off 
leader.  "  Why,"  rejoined  the  good  old  man,  "  ye  appear 
unto  men  too  fast." 

Kerren  gave  a  deep  groan,  and  the  horses  struck  a  reli- 
gious walk,  which  they  adhered  to  until  their  arrival  at  the 
Mission. 


PHCENIX    AS    EDITOR.  99 

"THE  SQUIRE'S. STORY. "—"Oh!"  says  the  squire,  "I 
wish't  I  was  married  and  well  of  it,  I  dread  it  powerful — I'd 
like  to  marry  a  widow — I  allers  liked  widows  since  I  knowed 
one  down  in  Georgia  that  suited  my  ideas,  adzactly. 

"  About  a  week  after  her  husband  died,  she  started  down 
to  the  grave-yard  whar  they'd  planted  of  him,  as  she  said,  to 
read  the  prescription  onto  his  monument.  When  she  got 
there,  she  stood  a  minute  a  looking  at  the  stones  which  was  put 
at  each  end  of  the  grave,  with  an  epithet  on  'em  that  the  min-. 
ister  had  writ  for  her.  Then  she  bust  out,  *  Oh !  boo  hoo,} 
says  she,  {  Jones — he  was  one  of  the  best  of  men ;  I  remem- 
ber how  the  last  time  he  come  home,  about  a  week  ago,  he 
brought  down  from  town  some  sugar,  and  a  little  tea,  and 
some  store  goods  for  me,  and  lots  of  little  necessaries,  and  a 
little  painted  hoss  for  Jeems,  which  that  blessed  child  got  his 
mouth  all  yaller  with  sucking  of  it,  and  then  he  kissed  the  chil- 
dren all  round,  and  took  down  that  good  old  fiddle  of  his'n 
and  played  up  that  good  old  tune, 

"  Rake  her  down,  Sal,  oh  rang  dang  diddle, 
Oh  rang,  dang  diddle  dang,  dang  dang  da." 

"Here,"  says  the  Squire,  "she  begin  to  dance,  and  I 
just  thought  she  was  the  greatest  woman  ever  I  see." 

"  The  Squire  "  always  gives  a  short  laugh,  after  telling 
this  anecdote,  and  then  filling  and  lighting  his  pipe,  subsides 
into  an  arm-chair  in  front  of  the  "  Exchange,"  and  indulge* 
in  calm  and  dreamy  reflection. 


100  PHCENIX   AS    EDITOR. 

WANTED. — Back  numbers  of  the  Democratic  Review 
speeches  and  writings  of  Jefferson,  Coffroth,  Calhoun,  Biglei 
Van  Buren  and  others.  Copies  of  the  San  Joaquin  Republican 
(with  George's  daguerreotype),  Files  of  the  Times  and  Trans- 
oript  (a  few  at  a  time),  and  a  diagram  representing  the  con- 
Btruction  of  the  old  United  States  Bank  for  the  use  of  a  young 
man  desirous  of  turning  Democrat. — Apply  at  this  office  (by 
firing  a  gun,  or  punching  on  the  ceiling,  he  being  deeply  en- 
gaged in  study  in  the  garret),  to 

J.  PHCENIX. 

THE  COMEDY  OF  ERRORS. — We  have  been  accused,  with 
great  injustice,  of  a  "  reckless  propensity  to  lampoon."  We 
disclaim,  with  indignation,  any  such  propensity.  On  the  con- 
trary, such  has  been  our  anxiety  to  avoid  personalities,  or  un- 
pleasant allusions,  that  we  have  actually  suppressed  some  of 
the  very  funniest  things  we  have  ever  heard — little  drolleries 
over  which  we  have  laughed,  ourselves,  in  the  sanctity  of  the 
sanctum,  until  the  "  arm-chair  "  has  cracked  again,  and  won- 
dering men  in  the  billiard  room  below,  have  poked  up  against 
the  ceiling  with  their  cues  (that  they  might  take  their  cue 
from  us),  simply  because  the  mention  of  some  name,  Jones, 
Brown  or  Muggins,  has  rendered  us  unable  to  present  them  to 
the  public.  The  conductor  of  a  public  journal  is  responsible 
for  every  thing  that  he  presents,  and  he  should  never  indulge  in 
personalities,  however  humorous  they  may  appear,  or  however 
much  they  may  amuse  himself,  or  be  calculated  to  auiusc  his 
readers. 


PHCENIX  AS   EDITOR.  101 

It  is  for  this  reason  that  we  forbear  publishing  the  fol- 
lowing capital  thing,  dramatized  expressly  for  our  paper,  and 
which  we  are  solemnly  assured,  occurred  very  nearly,  if  not 
exactly,  as  represented. 


SCENE. — TJie  interior  of  the  City  Post  Office  at  San  Francisco,  Gov.  2?— — 
discovered^  sitting,  holding  a  copy  of  the  San  Francisco  Herald  at  arm9- 
length,  in  a  pair  of  tongs,  and  reading  it  with  every  mark  of  scorn  amd  deep 
disgust.  Enter  Judge  A.  from  the  South,  Editor  of  the  San  Diego  Herald. 

Judge  A.  Ah !  Governor,  your  most  obedient ;  how  do  you 
do,  sir? 

Governor  B.  (Putting  the  Herald  in  a  bucket  of  water,  and 
laying  down  the  tongs).  How  do  you  do,  A.,  how  d'ye  do  ? 
Well,  how  are  matters  going  on  in  San  Diego  county  ? 

Judge  A.  Oh  !  admirably;  you  may  depend  on  the  unaui' 
nious  support  of  that  county,  sir,  the  Herald  has  an  immense, 
a  commanding  influence  there,  it  will  be  felt,  sir.  I  have 
left  the  paper  in  the  charge  of  an  able  literary  friend  there, 
sir,  Mr.  Phoenix,  probably  you  may  have  heard  of  him,  a  man 
of  great  ability ;  I  expect  an  admirable  paper  from  him  this 
week,  sir. 

Governor  B.  (With  a  bland  smile). — Ah  !  thorough  Demo* 
crat,  eh  ? 

Judge  A.  Oh!  certainly;  I  never  thought  to  ask  him, 
but — oh,  of  course,  certainly  he  is  a  Democrat. 

Governor  B.  Oh !  certainly ;  I  shall  be  glad  to  see  his 
paper,  Mr.  A.,  ah !  very  glad,  sir. 

Here  the  mail  is  opened,  the  Judge  eagerly  receives  a  bun- 


102  PHCENIX    AS   EDITOR. 

die  of  the  first  Phoenix  Herald,  hastily  tears  off  the  envelop, 

hands  one  copy  to  the  Governor,  and  takes  another  himself. 

Each  put  on  spectacles  and  glance  at  the  first  column,  where 

appears  in  fatal  capitals   the  respectable  name  of  William 

Waldo.     Grand  Tableau  !  !  I     The  Governor  and  the  Judge 

gaze  at  each  other  over  the  tops  of  their  respective  papers, 

the  one,  with  wrathful  and  indignant  glance,  the  other,  with 

the  most  concentrated  expression  of  horror  and  misery  of 

which  the  human  countenance  is  capable. 

[Here  the  Ghost  of  old  Squibob  himself  (ought  to  have  been) 

seen  rising,  and  hovering  for  an  instant  over  the  pair  in 

an  attitude  of  benediction,  murmuring,  "  Bless  ye,  my 

children"  larfs  and  disappears  in   a  " siveet  scented " 

cloud.] 

We  forbear  to  give  the  conversation  that  ensued — this  is 
a  Christian  community  in  which  we  live,  and  the  introduc- 
tion of  excessive  profanity  in  the  columns  of  a  public  journal 
even  as  a  quotation,  would  not  and  ought  not  to  be  tolerated. 
We  have  received  by  the  Goliah,  an  affecting  letter  from 
Judge  Ames,  beseeching  us  to  return  to  the  fold  of  Democ- 
racy from  which  he  is  inclined  to  intimate  we  have  been 
straying.  Is  it  possible  that  we  have  been  laboring  under 
a  delusion — and  that  Waldo  is  a  Whig  !  Why !  lor  !  How 
singular !  But  anxious  to  atone  for  our  past  errors,  willing 
to  please  the  taste  of  the  Editor,  and  above  all,  ever  soli- 
citous to  be  on  the  strong  side,  we  gladly  abjure  our  former 
opinions,  embrace  Democracy  with  ardor,  slap  her  on  the 
back,  declare  ourselves  in  favor  of  erecting  a  statue  of  An- 


PHCENIX   AS    EDITOR.  103 

drew  Jackson  in  the  Plaza,  and  to  prove  our  sincerity,  run 
up  to-day  at  the  head  of  our  columns,  a  Democratic  ticket  for 
1855,  which  we  hope  will  please  the  most  fastidious.  Being 
rather  hard  up  for  principles  for  our  political  faith,  we  have 
commenced  the  study  of  the  back  numbers  of  the  Democratic 
Review,  and  finding  therein  that  "  DEMOCRACY  is  THE  SUPRE- 
MACY OF  MAST  OVER  HIS  ACCIDENTS,"  we  hereby  express  our 
contempt  for  a  man  with  a  sprained  ankle,  and  unmitigated 
scorn  for  any  body  who  may  be  kicked  by  a  mule  or  a 
woman.  That's  Democratic,  ain't  it  ?  Oh,  we  understand 
these  things. — Bless  your  soul,  Judge,  we're  a  Democrat. 


LATE — Passing  by  one  of  our  doggeries  about  3  A.  M., 
the  other  morning,  from  which  proceeded  "  a  sound  of  revelry 
by  night,"  a  hapless  stranger  on  his  homeward  way  paused  to 
obtain  a  slight  refreshment,  and  to  the  host  he  said,  "  It  ap- 
pears to  me  your  visitors  are  rather  late  to-night."  "  Oh 
no,"  replied  the  worthy  landlord,  "  the  boys  of  San  Diego 
generally  run  for  forty-eight  hours,  stranger;  it's  a  little  late 
for  night  before  last,  but  for  to-night !  why,  it's  just  in 
the  shank  of  the  evening."  Volumes  could  not  have  said 
more. 


WANTED — By  the  subscriber,  a  serious  young  man,  with 
fized  principles  of  integrity  and  sobriety,  to  make  beds, 
sweep  a  room,  black  boots  and  bring  water.  For  a  youth  of 


104  PHOENIX   AS   EDITOR. 

religious  principles,  to  whom  a  large  salary  is  not  of  so  much 
object  as  a  knowledge  of  the  business,  an  eligible  situation  is 
here  offered. 

The  best  of  references  given  and  required. 

J.  PHCENIX. 

N.  B.  No  female  in  disguise  need  apply. 


AN  APT  QUOTATION. — His  Reverence  coming  into  the 
Colorado  House  last  Sunday  afternoon,  was  invited  by  the 
urbane  proprietor  to  irrigate.  Being  in  an  arid  state,  he 
consented  to  take  a  glass  of  lemonade,  but  accidentally  took 
a  brandy  cocktail  which  had  been  mixed  for  Mr.  Mariatowskie, 
and  drank  it  off  without  noticing  his  mistake.  "  Why,  Doc- 
tor," said  Frank,  when  he  observed  the  disappearance  of  hia 
sustenance,  "  that  was  my  horn  you  drank."  Ah,  my  young 
friend,  quoth  the  good  old  man,  with  a  benevolent  smile  and 
a  smack  of  his  lips,  while  the  moisture  stood  on  the  inside  of 
his  venerable  spectacles — "  Ah,  my  young  friend,  the  liorn 
of  the  ungodly  sliall  be  put  down."  Psalms  75  :  10 


FOR  SALE. — A  valuable  Law  Library,  lately  the  property 
of  a  distinguished  legal  gentleman  of  San  Francisco,  who  haa 
given  up  practice  and  removed  to  the  Farralone  Islands.  It 
consists  of  one  volume  of  "  Hoyle's  Games,"  complete,  a*id 
may  be  seen  at  this  office. 


PHCENIX   AS   EDITOR.  105 

Oar  friend  Charley  Poole  was  complaining  bitterly  the 
other  morning  of  the  muddy  quality  of  the  water  brought  him 
for  his  daily  ablutions,  when  he  was  consoled  by  a  remark  of 
"  Phrenix,"  that  he  was  probably  a  descendant  of  old  Pool 
of  Bethesda,  mentioned  in  the  Scriptures,  and  that,  the  angel 
that  used  to  "  come  down  and  trouble  "  his  ancestor's  water, 
Btill  continued  his  attentions  to  the  family. 


"  THERE'S  MANY  A  SLIP  'TWEEN  THE  CUP  AND  THE  LIP." 
Proverbs  53 :  14. — It  was  my  intention  to  have  devoted 
about  two  columns  of  this  journal,  this  week,  to  an  exposition 
of  the  nefarious  scheme  of  the  "  Water  Front  Extension,"  at 
San  Francisco,  and  the  abuse  of  the  gubernatorial  power  that 
has  been  exercised  in  the  matter  of  the  "  State  Printing," 
during  the  past  year. 

But  I  have  been  deterred  from  doing  all  this  by  two 
good  and  sufficient  reasons.  In  the  first  place,  I  can  find 
but  one  man  in  the  county  who  ever  intended  to  vote  for 
Bigler,  and  I  have  laboicd  with  him  to  prove  the  errors  of 
opinion  into  which  he  has  fallen,  to  that  extent,  that  partly 
from  the  effects  of  the  Fiesta,  at  San  Luis  Rey  (where,  as  a 
matter  of  course,  he  became  excessively  inebriated),  and 
partly  from  agitation  of  mind  produced  by  my  arguments,  he 
has  fallen  into  a  violent  fit  of  sickness,  from  which  his  phy- 
sician thinks  he  cannot  possibly  recover  before  the  day  of 
election.  And,  secondly,  I  have  a  horrible  misgiving  that 
the  editor  de facto  will  return  before  this  edition  has  gone  to 


'06  PHCENIX    AS    EDITOR. 

press,  in  which  case,  coming  down  on  me  from  San  Francisco 
"  like  a  young  giant  refreshed  with  new  wine,"  and  finding 
(what  he  would  consider)  such  abominable  heresy  in  his  col- 
umns, he  would  doubtless  knock  the  whole  matter  into  pi,  and 
perhaps,  in  the  extremity  of  his  wrath,  inflict  some  grievous 
bodily  injury  on  me,  all  of  which  would  be  intensely  dis- 
agreeable. Moved  by  these  considerations,  therefore,  I  shall 
let  John  Bigler  entirely  alone,  and  in  case  of  his  re-election, 
shall  make  a  great  merit  of  having  done  so,  and  apply  to  him 
immediately  for  a  commission  as  Notary  Public. 

The  great  event  of  the  past  week  has  been  the  FIESTA  at 
San  Luis  Rey. — Many  of  our  citizens  attended,  and  a  very 
large  number  of  native  Californians  and  Indians  collected 
from  the  various  ranches  in  the  vicinity.  High  mass  was 
celebrated  in  the  old  church  on  Thursday  morning,  an  Indian 
baby  was  baptized,  another  nearly  killed  by  being  run  over 
by  an  excited  individual  on  an  excited  horse,  and  that  day 
and  the  following,  were  passed  in  witnessing  the  absurd 
efforts  of  some  twenty  natives  to  annoy  a  number  of  tame 
bulls,  with  the  tips  of  their  horns  cut  off.  This  great  na- 
tional amusement,  ironically  termed  bull-fighting,  consists  in 
waving  a  serape,  or  handkerchief,  in  front  of  the  bull  until  he 
is  sufficiently  annoyed  to  run  after  his  tormentor,  when  that 
individual  gets  out  of  his  way,  with  great  precipitation.  The 
nights  ^ere  passed  in  an  equally  intellectual  manner. 


PH(ENIX   AS   EDITOR.  107 

The  "  Phoenix  Ticket  "  generally,  appears  to  give  general 
satisfaction.  It  was  merely  put  forward  suggestively,  and  not 
being  the  result  of  a  clique  or  convention,  the  public  are  at 
perfect  liberty  to  make  such  alterations  or  erasures  as  they 
may  think  proper.  I  hope  it  may  meet  with  a  strong  sup- 
port on  the  day  of  election ;  but  should  it  meet  with  defeat, 
I  shall  endeavor  to  bear  the  inevitable  mortification  that 
must  result,  with  my  usual  equanimity. 

Like  unto  the  great  Napoleon  after  the  battle  of  Water- 
loo, or  the  magnanimous  Boggs  after  his  defeat,  in  the  gu- 
bernatorial campaign  of  Missouri,  I  shall  fold  my  arms 
with  tranquillity,  and  say  either  "  CPestJini,"  or  Oh  shaw,  1 
know1  d  it!" 

Though  this  \s  but  my  second  bow  to  a  San  Diego  audience, 
I  presume  it  to  be  my  last  appearance  and  valedictory,  for 
the  editor  will  doubtless  arrive  before  another  week  elapses — 
the  gun  will  be  removed  from  my  trembling  grasp,  and  the 
Herald  will  resume  its  great  aims,  and  heavy  firing,  and  I 
hope  will  discharge  its  debt  to  the  public  with  accuracy,  and 
precision.  Meanwhile  "  The  Lord  be  with  you."  "  BE  VIR- 
TUOUS AND  YOU  WILL  BE  HAPPY." 


We  have  received  for  publication,  an  article  signed 
"  LEONIDAS,"  from  the  pen  of  an  old  and  esteemed  friend  of 
Diirs,  intended  to  counteract  the  effect  of  our  leader  last 
week,  which  we  should  publish  were  it  not  for  its  length, 
and  the  rather  strong  style  in  which  it  is  written.  Many  of 


108  PHOSNIX   AS   EDITOR. 

the  principal  points  of  "  Leonidas'  "  opposition  are  removed 
in  this  issue  of  the  paper,  and  we  doubt  if  it  would  serve 
any  useful  purpose  to  publish  extracts  from  his  letter,  or  if 
he  would  be  pleased  with  our  doing  so. 

He  winds  up  by  exhorting  the  Democrats  "  to  keep  to 
gether  "  (we  hope  they  will,  it  would  give  us  unfeigned  re- 
gret to  see  any  man  explode  or  fall  to  pieces),  and  by  call- 
ing us,  indirectly,  "  a  rabid  Whig." 

In  this,  "  Leonidas,"  you  are  mistaken.  Our  ideas  on 
political  matters  are  precisely  those  of  the  lamented  Joseph 

Bowers,  who  when  running  for  the  office  of in  the  state 

of was  asked  by  the committee,  "  Mr.  Bowers,  what 

are  your  politics  ?  "  To  which  he  replied,  "  Gentlemen,  I 
have  no  politics  " — "  What,"  exclaimed  the  committee  in 
surprise, — "  no  politics."  "  No,  gentlemen,"  rejoined  the 
imperturbable  Joseph,  "  not  a  d — d  politic." 

He  was  elected  unanimously,  as  many  of  our  readers 

from will  doubtless  remember,  and  we  hope,  should  it 

ever  come  to  pass,  that  we  are  a  candidate  for  public  office, 
we  may  meet  with  the  like  good  fortune. 

So  farewell,  oh  Leonidas,  we  trust  you  are  not  yet  "  boil- 
ing with  indignation ;  "  but  if  unhappily  that  is  the  case,  vfc 
san  only  placidly  remark — "Boil on." 


As  an  incident  of  the  election  we  are  told  that  late 
in  the  afternoon  an  elderly  gentleman,  much  overcome  by 
excitement  and  spirituous  potations,  was  found  like  Peter 


PHOENIX    AS    EDiTOR.  109 

weeping  bitterly,"  as  he  reclined  on  tlie  cold  cold  ground, 
behind  the  Court  House.  "  I'm  an  old  man,  gentle-mew," 
esobbed  he,  "  and  a  poor  old  man,  and  a  d — d  ugly  old  man, 
and  IVe  gone  and  voted  for  Bigler ! "  "  Well,  you  have 
done  it,"  remarked  one  of  the  crowd,  and  with  this  expres- 
sion of  sympathy,  the  unhappy  old  fellow  was  left  to  the 
stings  of  his  conscience.  A  melancholy  instance  of  mis- 
placed attachment. 


A  GAME  OF  POKER. — An  Eastern  paper  mentions  the  case 
of  an  individual  in  Terre  Haute,  Ind.,  who  attacked  his  wife 
with  a  poker,  and  was  arrested  by  a  gentleman  attracted  by 
the  lady's  screams.  Ah,  the  gentleman  passed,  the  lady 
saw  him  and  called. 


We  carelessly  threw  a  bucket  of  water  from  our 
office  door  the  other  day,  the  most  of  which  fell  upon  an 
astonished  Spaniard,  sitting  upon  his  horse,  before  tho  Colo« 
rado  House.  He  made  the  brief  remark  "  Carafo,"  meaning 
that  we  were  courageous,  and  on  observing  his  stalwart  form, 
and  the  forocity  of  his  expression  and  moustaches,  we  thought 
we  were. 


A  SYLLOGISM. — David  was  a  Jew — Hence,  "  the  Harp  of 
David ''  was  a  Jewsharp.  Question — How  the  deuce  did 
he  sing  his  Psalms  and  play  on  it  the  same  time  ? 


110  RETURN  OF  THE  EDITOR. 

We  recommend  this  difficult  question  to  "  Dismal  Jeeius ' 
for  solution,  the  answer  to  be  left  at  Barry  and  Patten'g 
directed  to  "  Phoenix." 


RETURN  OF  THE  EDITOR. 

'  Te  Deum  Laudamus."— Judge  Ames  has  returned 
With  the  completion  of  this  article  my  labors  are  ended ; 
and  wiping  my  pen  on  my  coat-tail,  and  placing  it  behind 
my  sinister  ear,  with  a  graceful  bow  and  bland  smile  for  my 
honored  admirers,  and  a  wink  of  intense  meaning  for  my 
enemies, I  shall  abdicate,  with  dignity,  the  "  Arm-Chair,"  in 
favor  of  its  legitimate  proprietor. 

By  the  way,  this  "  Arm- Chair  "  is  but  a  pleasant  fiction 
of  "  the  Judge's/' — the  only  seat  in  the  Herald  Office  being 
the  empty  nail  keg,  which  I  have  occupied  while  writing  my 
leaders  upon  the  inverted  sugar  box,  that  answers  the  pur- 
pose of  a  table.  But  such  is  life.  Divested  of  its  poetry 
and  romance,  the  objects  of  our  highest  admiration  become 
mere  common-places,  like  the  Herald's  chair  and  table. 
Many  ideas  which  we  have  learned  to  love  and  reverence, 
from  the  poetry  of  imagination  as  tables,  become  old  sugar 
boxes  on  close  inspection,  and  more  intimate  acquaintance. 
*  Sic — but  I  forbear  that  sickening  and  hackneyed  quota- 
lion. 


RETURN  OF  THE  EDITOR.  Ill 

During  the  period  in  which  I  have  had  control  over  the 
Herald.  I  hare  endeavored  to  the  best  of  my  ability  to  amuse 
and  interest  its  readers,  and  I  cannot  but  hope  that  my  good 
humored  efforts  have  proved  successful.  If  I  have  given 
offence  to  any  by  the  tone  of  my  remarks,  I  assure  them  that 
it  has  been  quite  unintentional,  and  to  prove  that  I  bear  no 
malice,  I  hereby  accept  their  apologies.  Certainly  no  one 
can  complain  of  a  lack  of  versatility  in  the  last  six  numbers. 
Commencing  as  an  Independent  Journal,  I  have  gradually 
passed  through  all  the  stages  of  incipient  Whiggery,  decided 
Conservatism,  dignified  Recantation,  budding  Democracy 
and  rampant  Radicalism,  and  I  now  close  the  series  with  an 
entirely  literary  number,  in  which,  I  have  carefully  abstained 
from  the  mention  of  Baldo  and  Wigler,  I  mean,  Wagler  and 
Bildo,  no — never  mind — as  Toodles  says,  I  haven't  men- 
tioned any  of  'em,  but  been  careful  to  preserve  a  perfect 
armed  neutrality 

The  paper  this  week  will  be  found  particularly  stupid. 
This  is  the  result  of  deep  design  on  my  part ;  had  I  at- 
tempted any  thing  remarkably  brilliant,  you  would  all  have 
detected  it,  and  said,  probably  with  truth; — Ah,  this  is 
Pho3nix's  last  appearance,  he  has  tried  to  be  very  funny,  and 
has  made  a  miserable  failure  of  it.  Hee  !  hee  !  hee  I  Oh  ! 
no,  my  Public,  an  ancient  weasel  may  not  be  detected  in 
the  act  of  slumber,  in  that  manner.  I  was  well  aware  of  all 
this,  and  have  been  as  dull  and  prosy  as  possible  to  avoid  it. 
Vrery  little  news  will  be  found  in  the  Herald  this  week  :  the 
fact  is,  there  never  is  much  news  in  it,  and  it  is  very 


112          INTERVIEW    BETWEEN    THE    EDITOR    AND    PHCENIX. 

well  that  it  is  so ;  the  climate  here  is  so  delightful,  thai 
residents,  in  the  enjoyment  of  their  dolce  far  niente,  care 
very  little  about  what  is  going  on  elsewhere,  and  residents 
in  other  places,  care  very  little  about  what  is  going  on  IE 
San  Diego,  so  all  parties  are  likely  to  be  gratified  with  the 
little  paper,  "  and  long  may  it  wave." 

In  conclusion,  I  am  gratified  to  be  able  to  state  that 
Johnny's  office  (the  fighting  department),  for  the  last  six 
weeks,  has  been  a  sinecure,  and  with  the  exception  of  the 
atrocious  conduct  of  one  miscreant,  who  was  detected  very 
early  one  morning,  in  the  act  of  chalking  A  s  s  on  our  office 
door,  and  who  was  dismissed  with  a  harmless  kick,  and  a 
gentle  admonition  that  he  should  not  write  his  name  on  other 
persons'  property,  our  course  has  been  peaceful,  and  undis- 
turbed by  any  expression  of  an  unpleasant  nature. 

So,  farewell  Public,  I  hope  you  will  do  well ;  I  do,  upon 
my  soul.  This  leader  is  ended,  and  if  there  be  any  man 
among  you  who  thinks  he  could  write  a  better  one,  let  him 
try  it,  and  if  he  succeeds,  I  shall  merely  remark,  that  I 
have  done  it  myself  if  I  had  tried.  Adios ! 

Respectably  Youi  s. 


INTERVIEW  BETWEEN  THE  EDITOR  AND  PHCENIX. 

The  Thomas  Hunt  had  arrived,  she  lay  at  the  wharf  ai 
New  Town,  and  a  rumor  had  reached  our  ears  that  "  the 


INTERVIEW    BETWEEN    THE    EDITOR   AND    PHOENIX.  I  1 3 

Judge  "  was  on  board.  Public  anxiety 'had  been  excited  to 
the  highest  pitch  to  witness  the  result  of  the  meeting  be- 
tween us.  It  had  been  stated  publicly  that  "  the  Judge  " 
would  whip  us  the  moment  he  arrived ;  but  though  we 
thought  a  conflict  probable,  we  had  never  been  very  san* 
guine  as  to  its  terminating  in  this  manner,  Coolly  we  gazed 
from  the  window  of  the  Office  upon  the  New  Town  road  ;  we 
descried  a  cloud  of  dust  in  the  distance ;  high  above  it  waved 
a  whip  lash,  and  we  said,  "  the  Judge  "  cometh,  and  "  his 
driving  is  like  that  of  Jehu  the  son  of  Nimshi,  for  he  drivetb 
furiously." 

Calmly  we  seated  ourselves  in  the  "  arm  chair,"  and  con- 
tinued our  labors  upon  our  magnificent  Pictorial.  Anon,  a 

s 

step,  a  heavy  step,  was  heard  upon  the  stairs,  and  "  the 
Judge  "  stood  before  us. 

"  In  shape  and  gesture  proudly  eminent,  stood  like  a 
tower  : but  his  face  deep  scars  of  thunder  had  in- 
trenched, and  care  sat  on  his  faded  cheek ;  but  under  brows 
of  dauntless  courage  and  considerate  pride,  waiting  re- 
venge." 

"We  rose,  and  with  an  unfaltering  voice  said:  "Well, 
Judge,  how  do  you  do  ?  "  He  made  no  reply,  but  commenced 
taking  off  his  coat. 

"We  removed  ours,  also  our  cravat. 


The  sixth  and  last  round,  is  described  by  the  pressman 

and  compositors,  as  having  been  fearfully  scientific.   "We  held 
8 


114          INTERVIEW   BETWEEN   THE    EDITOR    AND    PHOENIX. 

"  the  Judge  "  down  over  the  Press  by  our  nose  (which  we 
had  inserted  between  his  teeth  for  that  purpose),  and  while 
our  hair  was  employed  in  holding  one  of  his  hands,  we  held 
the  other  in  our  left,  and  with  the  "  sheep's  foot  "  brandished 
above  our  head,  shouted  to  him,  "  say  Waldo,"  Never  1  he 


Oh !  my  Bigler  he  would  have  muttered, 

But  that  he  '  dried  up,'  ere  the  word  was  uttered. 

At  this  moment,  we  discovered  that  we  had  been  laboring 
under  a  "  misunderstanding,"  and  through  the  amicable  in- 
tervention of  the  pressman,  who  thrust  a  roller  between  our 
faces  (which  gave  the  whole  affair  a  very  different  com- 
plexion), the  matter  was  finally  settled  on  the  most  friendly 
terms — "  and  without  prejudice  to  the  honor  of  either 
party/'  We  write  this  while  sitting  without  any  clothing, 
except  our  left  stocking,  and  the  rim  of  our  hat  encircling  our 
neck  like  a  'ruff'  of  the  Elizabethan  era — that  article  of 
dress  having  been  knocked  over  our  head  at  an  early  stage 
of  the  proceedings,  and  the  crown  subsequently  torn  off, 
while  the  Judge  is  sopping  his  eye  with  cold  water,  in  the 
next  room,  a  small  boy  standing  beside  the  sufferer  with  a 
basin,  and  glancing  with  interest  over  the  advertisements  on 
the  second  page  of  the  San  Diego  Herald,  a  fair  copy  of 
which  was  struck  off  upon  the  back  of  his  shirt,  at  the  time 
we  held  him  over  the  Press.  Thus  ends  our  description  of 
this  long  anticipate  1  personal  collision,  of  which  the  public 
can  believe  precisely  as  much  as  they  please  if  they  dis- 


INTERVIEW   BETWEEN   THE    EDITOR   AND   PHOENIX.          115 

believe  the  whole  of  it,  we  shall  not  be  at  all  offended,  but 
can  simply  quote  as  much  to  the  point,  what  might  have  been 
the  commencement  of  our  epitaph,  had  we  fallen  in  the 
conflict, 

"  HERE  LIES  PHCENIS 


ILLUSTKATED  NEWSPAPERS. 

A  YEAR  or  two  since  a  weekly  paper  was  started  in  London, 
called  the  "  Illustrated  News."  It  was  filled  with  tolerably 
executed  wood  cuts,  representing  scenes  of  popular  interest, 
and  though  perhaps  better  calculated  for  the  nursery  than  the 
reading  room,  it  took  very  well  in  England,  where  few  can 
read,  but  all  can  understand  pictures,  and  soon  attained  an 
immense  circulation.  As  when  the  inimitable  London  Punch 
attained  its  world-wide  celebrity,  supported  by  such  writers 
as  Thackeray,  Jerrold  and  Hood,  would-be  funny  men  on  this 
side  of  the  Atlantic — attempted  absurd  imitations — the  "  Yan- 
kee Doodle  " — the  "  John  Donkey,'  &c.,  which  as  a  matter  of 
course  proved  miserable  failures ;  so  did  the  success  of  this  Il- 
lustrated affair  inspire  our  money-loving  publishers  with  hopes 
of  dollars,  and  soon  appeared  from  Boston,  New  York  and  othei 
places,  Pictorial  and  Illustrated  Newspapers,  teeming  with 
execrable  and  silly  effusions,  and  filled  with  the  most  fearful 
wood  engravings,  "got  up  regardless  of  expense  "  or  any  thing 


ILLUSTRATED    NEWSPAPERS.  H7 

else ;  the  contemplation  of  which  was  enough  to  make  an 
artist  tear  his  hair  and  rend  his  garments.  A  Yankee  named 
Gleason,  of  Boston,  published  the  first,  we  believe,  calling  it 
"  Gleason's  Pictorial  (it  should  have  been  Gleason's  Pick- 
pocket) and  Drawing  Boom  Companion."  In  this  he  pre- 
sented to  his  unhappy  subscribers,  views  of  his  house  in  the 
country,  and  his  garden,  and  for  aught  we  know,  of  "  his  ox 
and  his  ass,  and  the  stranger  within  his  gates."  A  detesta- 
ble invention  for  transferring  Daguerreotypes  to  plates  for  en- 
graving,  having  come  into  notice  about  this  time,  was  eager- 
ly seized  upon  by  Gleason,  for  farther  embellishing  his  catch- 
penny publication,  duplicates  and  uncalled  for  pictures  were 
easily  obtained,  and  many  a  man  has  gazed  in  horror-stricken 
astonishment  on  the  likeness  of  a  respected  friend,  as  a  "  Por- 
trait of  Monroe  Edwards,"  or  that  of  his  deceased  grand- 
mother, in  the  character  of  "  One  of  the  Signers  of  the  Decla- 
ration of  Independence."  They  love  pictures  in  Yankeedom ; 
every  tin  peddler  has  one  on  his  wagon,  and  an  itinerant  lec- 
turer can  always  obtain  an  audience  by  sticking  up  a  like- 
ness of  some  unhappy  female,  with  her  ribs  laid  open  in  an 
impossible  manner,  for  public  inspection,  or  a  hairless  gentle- 
man, with  the  surface  of  his  head  laid  out  in  eligible  lots, 
duly  marked  and  numbered.  The  factory  girls  of  Lowell,  the 
Professors  of  Harvard  all  bought  the  new  Pictorial  (Profes- 
Bor  Webster  was  reading  one,  when  Dr.  Parkman  called  on 
him  on  the  morning  of  the  murder.)  Gleason's  speculation 
was  crowned  with  success,  and  he  bought  himself  a  new 
cooking  stove  and  erected  an  out-building  on  his  estate,  with 


118  ILLUSTRATED    NEWSPAPERS. 

both  of  which  he  favored  the  public  in  a  new  wood  cut  im 
mediately. 

Inspired  by  his  success,  old  Feejee-Mermaid-Tom-Tlmmb- 
Woolly-horse-Joyce-Heth-Barnum,  forthwith  got  out  another 
Illustrated  Weekly,  with  pictures  far  more  extensive,  letter- 
press still  sillier,  and  engravings  more  miserable,  if  possible, 
than  Yankee  Gleason's.  And  then  we  were  bored  and  buf- 
feted by  having  incredible  likenesses  of  Santa  Anna,  Queen 
Victoria  and  poor  old  Webster,  thrust  beneath  our  nose,  to 
that  degree  that  we  wished  the  respected  originals  had  never 
existed,  or  that  the  art  of  wood  engraving  had  perished  with 
that  of  painting  on  glass. 

It  was,  therefore,  with  the  most  intense  delight  that  we 
saw  a  notice  the  other  day  of  the  failure  and  stoppage  of 
Barnum's  Illustrated  News ;  we  rejoiced  thereat,  greatly,  and 
we  hope  that  it  will  never  be  revived,  and  that  Gleason  will 
also  fail  as  soon  as  he  conveniently  can,  and  that  his  trashy 
Pictorial  will  perish  with  it. 

It  must  not  be  supposed  from  the  tenor  of  these  remarks 
that  we  are  opposed  to  the  publication  of  a  properly  conducted 
and  creditably  executed  Illustrated  paper.  "  On  the  contra- 
ry, quite  the  reverse."  We  are  passionately  fond  of  art  our- 
selves and  we  believe  that  nothing  can  have  a  stronger 
tendency  to  refinement  in  society,  than  presenting  to  the  pub- 
lic, chaste  and  elaborate  engravings,  copies  of  works  of  high 
artistic  merit,  accompanied  by  graphic  and  well  written 
essays.  It  was  for  the  purpose  of  introducing  a  paper  con- 
taining these  features  to  our  appreciative  community,  that  wo 


ILLUSTRATED   NEWSPAPERS.  119 

have  made  these  introductory  remarks,  and  for  the  purpose 
of  challenging  comparison,  and  defying  competition,  that  we 
have  criticised  so  severely  the  imbecile  and  ephemeral  pro- 
ductions mentioned  above.  At  a  vast  expenditure  of  money, 
time  and  labor,  and  after  the  most  incredible  and  unheard  of 
exertion,  on  our  part,  individually,  we  are  at  length  able  to 
present  to  the  public  an  Illustrated  publication  of  unprece- 
dented merit,  containing  engravings  of  exceeding  costliness 
and  rare  beauty  of  design,  got  up  on  an  expensive  scale,  which 
never  has  been  attempted  before,  in  this  or  any  other  country. 
We  furnish  our  readers  this  week  with  the  first  number, 
merely  premising  that  the  immense  expense  attending  its 
issue,  will  require  a  corresponding  liberality  of  patronage  on 
the  part  of  the  Public,  to  cause  it  to  be  continued. 


And  Second  Story  Front  Room  Companion. 


Vol.  I.]  San  Diego,  October  1,  1853.  [No.  I. 


Portrait  of  His  Royal  Highness  Prince  Albert. — Prince 
Albert,  the  son  of  a  gentleman  named  Coburg,  is  the  husband 


120  ILLUSTRATED  NEWSPAPERS. 

of  Queen  Victoria  of  England,  and  the  father  of  many  of  her 
children.  He  is  the  inventor  of  the  celebrated  "Albert 
hat,"  which  has  been  lately  introduced  with  great  effect  in 
the  U.  S.  Army.  The  Prince  is  of  German  extraction,  his 
father  being  a  Dutchman  and  his  mother  a  Duchess. 


Hi 
Mansion  of  John  Phoenix,  Esq.,  San  Diego,  California. 


House  in  which  Shakespeare  was  born,  in  Stratford-on- 
Avon. 


Abbotsford.  the  residence  of  Sir  Walter  Scott,  author  jf 
Byron's  Pilgrim's  Progress,  &c. 


The  Capitol  at  Washington. 


ILLUSTRATED    NEWSPAPERS. 


121 


Residence  of  Governor  Bigler,  at  Benicia,  California. 


Battle  of  Lake  Erie,  (see  remarks,  p.  96.) 
[Page  96.] 

The  Battle  of  Lake  Erie,  of  which  our  Artist  presents 
spirited  engraving,  copied  from  the  original  painting,  by 
Hannibal  Carracci,  in  the  possession  of  J.  P.  Haven,  Esq., 
was  fought  in  1836,  on  Chesapeake  Bay,  between  the  U.  S- 
Frigates  Constitution  and  Guerriere  and  the  British  Troops 
under  General  Putnam.  Our  glorious  flag,  there  as  every- 
where was  victorious,  and  "  Long  may  it  wave,  o'er  the  land 
of  the  free,  and  the  home  of  the  slave.' 


Fearful  accident  on  the  Camden  &  Amboy  Kailroad  ! ! 
Terrible  loss  of  life  ! !  1 


122 


ILLUSTRATED    NEWSPAPERS. 


View  of  the  City  of  San  Diego,  by  Sir  Benjamin  West, 


Interview  between  Mrs.  Harriet  Beecher  Stowe  and  the 
Duchess  of  Sutherland,  from  a  group  of  Statuary,  by  Clarke 
Mills. 


c 


Bank  Account  of  J.  Phoenix,  Esq.;  at  Adams  &  Co. 
Bankers,  San  Francisco,  California 


Gas  Works,  San  Diego  Herald  Office. 


ILLUSTRATED    NEWSPAPERS,  123 


Steamer  G-oliah. 


View  of  a  California  Ranch. — Landseer. 


Shell  of  an  Oyster  once  eaten  by  General  Washington, 
ihowing  the  General's  manner  of  opening  Oysters. 

There  ! — this  is  but  a  specimen  of  what  we  can  do  if  lib- 
erally sustained.  We  wait  with  anxiety  to  hear  the  verdict 
of  the  Public,  before  proceeding  to  any  farther  and  greater 
outlays. 

Subscription,  $5  per  annum,  payable  invariably  in  ad- 
vance. 

INDUCEMENTS  FOR  CLUBBING. 

Twenty  Copies  furnished  for  one  year,  for  fifty  eenta 
A.ddress  John  Phoenix,  Office  of  the  San  Diego  Herald. 


124  ILLUSTRATED    NEWSPAPERS* 


SANDYAGO— A  SOLIQUY. 


Oh  my  what  a  trying  thing  it  is  for  a  feller 

To  git  kooped  up  in  this  ere  little  plais 

Where  the  males  dont  run  reglar  no  how 

Kor  the  females  nuther,  cos  there  aint  none. 

But  by  the  mails  I  mean  the  post  orifices 

By  which  we  git  our  letters  and  sufforth 

From  the  Atlantic  States  and  the  British  Province* 

But  here  there  aint  no  kind  of  a  chance 

Except  by  the  Sutherner  or  the  leky  Fremont 

Which  runs  very  seldom,  and  onst  in  the  latter 

I  come  to  this  plais,  and  wisht  I  was  furder. 

The  natives  is  all  sorts  complected 

Some  white,  some  black,  &  some  kinder  speckled, 

And  about  fourteen  rowdy  vagabonds 

That  gits  drunk  and  goes  round  lickin  every  bodjr. 

And  four  stores  to  every  white  human 

"Which  are  kept  by  the  children  of  Zion 

"Where  they  sell  their  goods  bort  at  auction 

At  seven  times  more  than  they  costed, 

With  a  grand  jury  thats  sittin  forever 

But  dont  never  seem  to  indite  nothin, 

And  if  they  do  what  comes  on  it 

TTie  petty  ones  finds  em  not  guilty 

And  then  they  go  off  much  in  licker 

And  hit  the  fust  feller  they  come  to. 

All  night  long  in  this  sweet  little  village 

You  hear  the  soft  note  of  the  pistol 

With  the  pleasant  screak  of  the  victim 


ILLUSTRATED  NEWSPAPERS.  125 

Whose  been  shot  prehaps  in  his  gizzard. 
And  all  day  hosses  is  running 
With  drunken  greasers  astraddle 
A  hollerin  and  hoopin  like  demons 
And  playin  at  billiards  and  monte 
Till  they've  nary  red  cent  to  ante 
Having  busted  up  all  the  money 
Which  they  borryed  at  awful  percentaga 
On  ranches  which  they  haint  no  title 
To,  and  the  U.  S.  board  of  commission 
Will  be  derned  if  they  ever  approve  it 
While  the  squire  he  goes  round  a  walkia 
And  sasses  all  respectable  persons 
With  his  talk  of  pills  he's  invented 
To  give  a  spirit  of  resentment. 
And  persons  fite  duels  on  paper. 
Oh  its  awful  this  here  little  plais  is 
And  quick  as  my  business  is  finished 
I  shall  leave  here  you  may  depend  on  it 
By  the  very  first  leky  steambote, 
Or  if  they  are  all  of  em  busted 
I'll  hire  a  mule  from  some  feller 
And  just  put  out  to  Santy  Clara. 


"  THE  JUDGE  "  looks  melancholy ! — He  knows  tnat  tliis  is 
Phoenix's  Last,  and  that's  exactly  "  where  the  shoe  pinches." 
This  squib  is  adapted  to  the  comprehension  of  the  meanest 
shoemaker. 


FOURTH  OF  JULY  CELEBRATION  IN  SAN 
DIEGO, 

(Reported  expressly  for  the  San  Diego  Herald.) 

TUESDAY  last,  the  4th  of  July,  being  the  anniversary  of  the 
discovery  of  San  Diego  by  the  Hon.  J.  J.  Warner,  in  1846 
as  well  as  that  of  our  National  Independence  ("  long  may  it 
wave,"  &c.),  was  celebrated  in  this  city  with  all  that  spirit 
and  patriotism  for  which  it  has  ever  been  distinguished. 

Every  citizen,  with  the  exception  of  those  who  had  retired 
in  a  state  of  intoxication,  was  aroused  at  2  A.  M.  by  the  soul- 
stirring  and  tremendous  report  of  the  Plaza  Artillery,  which 
had  been  carefully  loaded  the  previous  evening  with  two 
pounds  of  powder,  and  half  a  bushel  of  public  documents 
franked  to  this  place  by  our  late  honorable  representatives. 
Each  citizen  on  being  awakened  in  this  manner  (if  he  imi- 
tated the  example  of  your  respected  reporter),  reflected  a 
moment  with  admiration  on  our  glorious  institutions ;  with 
pride  on  our  great  and  increasing  country,  and  with  gratitude 


FOURTH   OF   JULY   CELEBRATION   IN    SAN   DIEGO.  127 

on  the  efforts  of  those  patriotic  spirits  who  had  thus  aroused 
him,  and  after  murmuring  some  aspiration  for  their  future 
happiness,  was  about  to  sink  again  to  sleep,  when — Bang ! 
No.  2,  more  powder,  more  public  documents,  effectually 
aroused  him  again,  to  go  through  the  same  train  of  thought, 
murmur  the  same  aspirations,  a  little  warmer,  perhaps,  this 
time,  and  again  become  sleepy  in  time  for  Bang !  No.  3.  In 
this  agreeable  manner  the  attention  was  occupied,  and  the 
mind  filled  with  patriotic  ideas  until  just  before  daylight, 
when  the  powder  unfortunately  gave  out,  though  four  bushels 
of  public  documents  still  remained  (but  they  wouldn't  go  off), 
and  the  firing  ceased.  At  sunrise  the  National  Banner  would 
have  unfolded  its  "  broad  stripes  and  bright  stars  "  to  the 
breeze,  but  for  the  unlucky  circumstance  of  there  being  no 
halliards  to  our  flag-staff.  We  are  gratified  to  learn  that  a 
new  set  will  probably  be  furnished  by  the  Board  of  Trustees 
before  the  next  anniversary. 

At  S  A.  M.  a  procession  was  formed,  and  moved  to  the 
sound  of  an  excellent  military  band,  consisting  of  a  gong  and 
a  hand-bell,  across  the  Plaza,  where  it  separated  into  two 
divisions,  one  proceeding  to  the  Union  House,  the  other  to 
the  Colorado  Hotel.  At  each  of  these  excellent  establish- 
ments an  elegant  dejeuner  was  served  up,  of  the  sumptuous- 
ness  of  which  the  following  bill  of  fare  will  give  some  faint 
idea :— » 

BREAKFAST  BILL  OF  FARE. 
Coffee.  Cafe,  con  sucre. 

Bread.  Pan. 

Butter.  Mantequifla. 

Fried  beefsteaks.  Came. 

Hash.  No  s& 


123  FOURTH    OF   JULY    CELEBRATION    IN    SAN   DIEGO. 

At  9  A.  M.  precisely,  the  San  Diego  Light  Infantry  in  full 
uniform,  consisting  of  Brown's  little  boy  in  his  shirt-tail, 
fired  a  National  salute  with  a  large  bunch  of  fire  crackers. 
This  part  of  the  celebration  went  off  admirably ;  with  the  ex- 
ception of  the  young  gentleman  having  set  fire  to  his  shirt- 
tail,  which  was  fortunately  extinguished  immediately,  without 
accident. 

At  12  M.  an  oration  was  delivered  by  a  gentleman,  in  tho 
Spanish  language,  in  front  of  the  Exchange,  of  which  your 
reporter  regrets  to  say  he  has  been  unable  to  remember  but 
the  concluding  sentence,  which,  however,  he  is  informed  con- 
tains many  fine  ideas.  It  was  nearly  as  follows  : 

"  Hoy  es  el  dia  de  Santa  Eefugia  !  Hie,  Los  America- 
nos son  abajos,  no  vale  nada  !  (Hie,)  nada,  nada,  nada,  (hic- 
cup.) Mir  a  !  hombre,  dar  me  poco  de  aguadiente  Caramba" 

This  oration  was  remarkably  well  received,  and  shortly 
after,  the  band  commencing  its  performance,  the  procession 
was  again  formed,  and  dividing  as  before,  moved  off  to  dinner. 

The  afternoon  passed  pleasantly  away,  in  witnessing  the 
performances  of  a  gentleman  who  had  been  instituting  a  series 
of  experiments  to  test  the  relative  strength  of  various  descrip- 
tions of  spirituous  liquor,  and  who  becoming  excited  and  en- 
thusiastic thereby,  walked  round  the  Plaza  and  howled  dis- 
mally. 

Upon  the  whole,  every  thing  passed  off  in  the  most  credi- 
table manner,  and  we  can  safely  say  that  never  in  our  recol- 
lection have  we  witnessed  such  a  celebration  of  the  glorious 
anniversary  of  our  Nation  s  Independence. 


MELANCHOLY  ACCIDENT.— DEATH  OF  A 
YOUNG-  MAN. 

MR.  MUDGE  has  just  arrived  in  San  Diego  from  Arkansas ; 
he  brings  with  him  four  yoke  of  oxen,  seventeen  American 
cows,  nine  American  children,  and  Mrs.  Mudge.  They  have 
encamped  in  the  rear  of  our  office,  pending  the  arrival  of  the 
next  coasting  steamer. 

Mr.  Mudge  is  about  thirty-seven  years  of  age,  his  hair  is 
light,  not  a  "  sable  silvered,"  but  a  yaUer,  gilded ;  you  can 
see  some  of  it  sticking  out  of  the  top  of  his  hat ;  his  costume 
is  the  national  costume  of  Arkansas,  coat,  waistcoat,  and  pan- 
taloons of  homespun  cloth,  dyed  a  brownish  yellow,  with  a 
decoction  of  the  bitter  barked  butternut — a  pleasing  allitera- 
tion ;  his  countenance  presents  a  determined,  combined  with 
a  sanctimonious  expression,  and  in  his  brightly  gleaming  eye 
— a  red  eye  we  think  it  is — we  fancy  a  spark  of  poetic  fervor 
may  be  distinguished. 

Mr.  Mudge  called  on  us  yesterday.      We  were  eating 


ISO          MELANCHOLY   ACCIDENT. DEATH   OF   A   YOUNG   MAI*. 

watermelon.  Perhaps  the  reader  may  have  eaten  watermelon, 
if  so,  he  knows  how  difficult  a  thing  it  is  to  speak,  when  the 
mouth  is  filled  with  the  luscious  fruit,  and  the  slippery  seed 
and  sweet  though  embarrassing  juice  is  squizzling  out  all 
over  the  chin,  and  shirt-bosom.  So  at  first  we  said  nothing, 
tat  waved  with  our  case  knife  toward  an  unoccupied  box,  a? 
who  should  say  sit  down.  Mr.  Mudge  accordingly  seated 
himself,  and  removing  his  hat  (whereat  all  his  hair  sprang 
up  straight  like  a  Jack  in  the  box),  turned  that  article  of 
dress  over  and  over  in  his  hands,  and  contemplated  its  condi- 
tion with  alarming  seriousness. 

Take  some  melon,  Mr.  Mudge  ?  said  we,  as  with  a  sud- 
den bolt  we  recovered  our  speech  and  took  another  slice  our- 
self.  "  No,  I  thank  you,"  replied  Mr.  Mudge,  "  I  wouldn't 
choose  any,  now." 

There  was  a  solemnity  in  Mr.  Mudge's  manner  that 
arrested  our  attention ;  we  paused,  and  holding  a  large  slice 
of  watermelon  dripping  in  the  air,  listened  to  what  he  might 
have  to  say. 

"  Thar  was  a  very  serious  accident  happened  to  us,"  said 
Mr.  Mudge,  "  as  we  wos  crossin  the  plains.  l  Twas  on  the 
bank  of  the  Peacus  river.  Thar  was  a  young  man  named 
Jeames  Hambrick  along,  and  another  young  feller,  he  got 
to  fooling  with  his  pistil,  and  he  shot  Jeames.  He  was  a 
good  young  man  and  hadn't  a  enemy  in  the  company ;  we 
buried  him  thar  on  the  Peacus  river  we  did,  and  as  we  went 
off,  these  here  lines  sorter  passed  through  my  mind."  So 
saying,  Mr.  Mudge  rose,  drew  from  his  pocket — his  waistcoat 


MELANCHOLY    ACCIDENT. DEATH    OF   A   YOUNG    MAN.  131 

pocket — a  crumpled  piece  of  paper,  and  handed  it  over.  Then 
he  drew  from  his  coat-tail  pocket  a  large  cotton  handkerchief 
with  a  red  ground  and  yellow  figure,  slowly  unfolded  it,  blew 
his  nose — an  awful  blast  it  was — wiped  his  eyes,  and  disap- 
peared. We  publish  Mr.  Mudge's  lines,  with  the  remark, 
that  any  one  who  says  they  have  no  poets  or  poetry  in  Ar- 
kansas, would  doubt  the  existence  of  William  Shakspeare : 


DIRGE  ON  THE  DETH  OF  JEAMES  HAMBRICK 
BY  ME.  OBION  W.  MUDOK,  ESQ. 


it  was  on  June  the  tenth 
our  hearts  were  very  sad 
for  it  was  by  an  awfull  accident 
we  lost  a  fine  young  lad 

Jeames  Hambrick  was  his  nam« 
and  alas  it  was  his  lot 
to  you  I  tell  the  same 
he  was  accidently  shot 

on  the  peacus  river  side 
the  sun  was  very  hot 
and  its  there  he  fell  and  died 
where  he  was  accidently  shot 

on  the  road  his  character  gooa 
without  a  stain  or  blot 
and  in  our  opinions  growed 
until  he  was  accidently  shot 


132         MELANCHOLY   ACCIDENT. DEATH   OF   A   YOUNG   MAN. 

a  few  words  only  he  spoke 
for  moments  he  had  not 
and  only  then  he  seemed  to  choke 
I  was  accidently  shot 

we  wrape  d  him  in  a  blanket  good 
for  coffin  we  had  not 
and  then  we  buried  him  where  he  stood 
when  he  was  accidently  shot 

and  as  we  stood  around  his  grave 
our  tears  the  ground  did  blot 
we  prayed  to  god  his  soul  to  save 
he  was  accidently  shot 

This  is  all,  but  I  writ  at  the  time  a  epitaff  which  I  think  ia 
jhort  and  would  do  to  go  over  his  grave  : — 


EPITAFF. 

here  lies  the  body  of  Jeames  Hambrick 

who  was  accidently  shot 

on  the  bank  of  the  peacus  river 

by  a  young  man 

he  was  accidently  shot  with  one  of  the  large  size  colt's  revoivei 
with  no  stopper  for  the  cock  to  rest  on  it  was  one  of  the  old 
fashion  kind  brass  mounted  and  of  such  is  the  kingdom  of  heaven. 

truly  yourn 

ORION  W  MUDGE  ESQ 


SECOND  EDITION! 


SUCH  lias  been  the  demand  for  the  back  numbers  of  the 
"  Phoenix  "  Herald,  that  our  editions  have  been  entirely  ex- 
hausted, and  we  have  at  last  concluded  to  have  the  whole  of 
them  stereotyped.  We  have  now  seven  hundred  and  eighty- 
two  Indians  employed  night  and  day  in  mixing  adobe  for  the 
type  moulds,  and  as  no  suitable  metal  is  to  be  found  in  San 
Diego,  to  cast  the  stereotypes,  we  have  engaged  324,000  ball 
cartridges,  from  the  Mission,  for  the  sake  of  the  lead.  A  very 
Berious  accident  came  near  occurring  in  our  office  this  morn- 
ing, owing  to  the  ignition  of  a  cartridge,  caused  by  friction, 
resulting  from  the  rapid  manner  in  which  it  was  unrolled,  but 
fortunately  we  escaped,  with  slight  loss,  one  of  our  composi- 
tors having  had  his  leg  fractured  just  above  the  knee  joint. 
The  injured  member  was  promptly  and  neatly  taken  off  by 
"  Phcenix,"  with  a  broad-axe  in  2.46,  and  the  sufferer  is  now 
doing  well  and  engaged  in  setting  type  with  his  teeth.  Our 


132         MELANCHOLY   ACCIDENT. DEATH   OF   A   YOUNG   MAN. 

a  few  words  only  he  spoke 
for  moments  he  had  not 
and  only  then  he  seemed  to  choke 
I  was  accidently  shot 

we  wrape  d  him  in  a  blanket  good 
for  coffin  we  had  not 
and  then  we  buried  him  where  he  stood 
when  he  was  accidently  shot 

and  as  we  stood  around  his  grave 
our  tears  the  ground  did  blot 
we  prayed  to  god  his  soul  to  save 
he  was  accidently  shot 

This  is  all,  but  I  writ  at  the  time  a  epitaff  which  I  think 
short  and  would  do  to  go  over  his  grave  : — 


EPITAFF. 

here  lies  the  body  of  Jeames  Hambrick 

who  was  accidently  shot 

on  the  bank  of  the  peacus  river 

by  a  young  man 

he  was  accidently  shot  with  one  of  the  large  size  colt's  revoivei 
with  no  stopper  for  the  cock  to  rest  on  it  was  one  of  the  old 
fashion  kind  brass  mounted  and  of  such  is  the  kingdom  of  heaven. 

truly  yourn 

OBION  "W  MUDQE  ESQ 


SECOND  EDITION! 


SUCH  has  been  the  demand  for  the  back  numbers  of  the 
"  Phoenix  "  Herald,  that  our  editions  have  been  entirely  ex- 
hausted, and  we  have  at  last  concluded  to  have  the  whole  of 
them  stereotyped.  We  have  now  seven  hundred  and  eighty- 
two  Indians  employed  night  and  day  in  mixing  adobe  for  the 
type  moulds,  and  as  no  suitable  metal  is  to  be  found  in  San 
Diego,  to  cast  the  stereotypes,  we  have  engaged  324,000  ball 
cartridges,  from  the  Mission,  for  the  sake  of  the  lead.  A  very 
serious  accident  came  near  occurring  in  our  office  this  morn- 
ing, owing  to  the  ignition  of  a  cartridge,  caused  by  friction, 
resulting  from  the  rapid  manner  in  which  it  was  unrolled,  but 
fortunately  we  escaped,  with  slight  loss,  one  of  our  composi- 
tors having  had  his  leg  fractured  just  above  the  knee  joint. 
The  injured  member  was  promptly  and  neatly  taken  off  by 
"  Phoenix,"  with  a  broad-axe  in  2.46,  and  the  sufferer  is  now 
doing  well  and  engaged  in  setting  type  with  his  teeth.  Our 


134  THE   PHCENIX   PICTORIAL. 

steam  roller  presses  having  failed  to  arrive  (owing  to  the  non 
arrival  of  the  Goliah,  as  a  matter  of  course),  we  have  been 
obliged  to  work  off  the  Pictorial  Herald  on  our  solitary 
Power  Press. 

"The  Press  is  a  tremendous  engine."  "We  have  twc 
tremendous  Indians  working  at  ours.  Four  men  remove  the 
papers  as  fast  as  printed,  and  forming  a  line  to  the  outer  door, 
four  boys  distribute  them  from  the  gallery  to  the  excited 
crowd  below. 

Nothing  is  heard  but  the  monotonous  houpf  hank!  of 
the  Indians,  as  in  a  cloud  of  steam  of  their  own  manufacture 
they  strike  off  the  paper.  Nothing  can  be  seen  without  but 
a  shower  of  quarters,  bits,  and  dimes  darkening  the  air  as 
they  are  thrown  from  the  purchasers.  Fourteen  bushels  and 
three  pecks  of  silver  have  been  received  since  we  commenced 
distribution,  and  the  cry  is  still  they  coma. 


THIRD  EDITION!! 

AND    LATEST    NEWS!! 

Fatal  Accident! 

A  MELANCHOLY  accident  has  just  taken  place.  A  flesbj 
gentleman  had  received  a  copy  of  the  "  Pictorial,"  and  retired 
to  the  foot  of  the  Flag-staff  to  peruse  it.  He  had  glanced 
over  the  first  column,  when  he  was  observed  to  grow  black  in 
the  face.  A  bystander  hastened  to  seize  him  by  the  collar, 
but  it  was  too  late !  Exploding  with  mirth,  he  was  scattered 
into  a  thousand  fragments,  one  of  which  striking  him,  proba- 
bly inflicted  some  fatal  injury,  as  he  immediately  expired, 
having  barely  time  to  remove  his  hat,  and  say  in  a  feeble 
voice,  "  Give  this  to  Phoenix."  A  large  back  tooth  lies  on 
the  table  before  us,  driven  through  the  side  of  the  office  with 
fearful  violence  at  the  time  of  the  explosion.  We  have 
enclosed  it  to  his  widow  with  a  letter  of  condolence.  The 
name  of  the  unfortunate  man  was  MUGGINS  1 


FOURTH  EDITION!!! 

The  Very  Latest!!! 

MRS.  MUGGINS  has  just  been  picking  up  the  fragments  of 
the  deceased  in  a  hand-basket.  "We  omitted  to  state  that  the 
tooth  had  been  filled  by  Dr.  R.  E.  Cole,  Dentist,  whose  ad- 
vertisement may  be  found  in  another  column !  In  her  frantic 
agony  the  bereaved  widow  has  accused  us  of  purloining  the 
gold.  A  terrible  scene  has  ensued  in  our  office,  in  conse- 
quence— after  much  recrimination  between  us,  we  have  been 
atrociously  "  clapper-clawed  "  by  Mrs.  Muggins ! 


A  LITTLE  MORE  FOR  THE  YERY  LAST!! 


After  great  exertion  the  fragments  have  been  put  together 

by  Dr.  H ,  and  the  Muggins  family  have  retired  to  theii 

home,  each  bearing  a  copy  of  the  "  Pictorial,"  in  triumph 
before  them.  Old  Muggins  has  presented  us  with  the  tooth, 
and  it  may  be  seen  at  our  office. 


SAN  FRANCISCO  ANTIQUARIAN  SOCIETY, 

AND 

CALIFORNIA  ACADEMY  OF  ARTS  AND  SCIENCES. 

PURSUANT  to  notice,  a  large  and  respectable  number  of  those 
of  our  citizens  interested  in  the  advancement  of  the  arts  and 
sciences  in  California,  assembled  in  the  large  hall  over  the 
Union  Hotel,  at  8  o'clock  on  Thursday  evening,  the  31st  of 
June  ult. 

The  meeting  having  come  to  order,  was  organized  by  our 
distinguished  fellow-citizen,  Dr.  Keensarvey,  being  called  to 
the  chair,  and  the  appointment  of  A.  Cove,  Esq.  as  Secretary 

The  chairman  then  rose,  and  in  that  lucid  style  which 
ever  characterizes  his  public  Addresses,  briefly  explained  the 
object  of  the  meeting : — It  had  been  urged,  he  said,  and  he 
feared  with  too  much  justice,  by  our  scientific  friends  in  the 
Eastern  States,  that  the  inhabitants  of  California,  residing  in  a 
country  which  opens  to  the  Geologist,  the  Ethnologist,  the 
Mineralogist ?  the  Botanist,  the  Taxidermist,  the  Antiquarian, 


THE   SAN   FRANCISCO   ANTIQUARIAN    SOCIETY.  139 

the  Historian,  the  Philosopher  and,  in  short,  the  Savant,  the 
richest  and  most  unexampled  field  on  the  face  of  the  globe, 
or  elsewhere,  for  their  labors,  were  entirely  regardless  of 
their  privileges  in  this  respect,  utterly  absorbed  in  the  pur- 
suit of  gain ,  and  while  excavating  from  the  bowels  of  the 
earth  its  auriferous  deposits  in  sufficient  quantity,  they  cared 
not,  to  use  a  forcible  illustration,  the  execration  of  a  tinker, 
for  those  sciences  in  the  pursuit  of  which  they  could  alone 
find  a  rational  manner  of  expending  their  accumulated 
wealth. 

"Was  it  possible  that  this  could  be  the  case  ?  Had  wo 
not  among  us  men  of  science,  of  liberality,  of  intelligence  ? 
(Cries  of  "  Yes,  Yes !"  from  the  meeting,  and  "Si  Senor" 
from  a  Castilian  Savant  in  a  glazed  hat  and  judicious  state  of 
spiritual  elevation.)  Had  we  not  in  our  midst  many  who, 
having  acquired  a  sufficiency  of  worldly  wealth,  now  wished 
to  find  among  the  treasures  of  science,  that  calm  satisfaction 
which  the  possession  of  no  amount  of  "  dinero  "  can  possibly 
afford  ?  (Tumultuous  shouts  of  "  Yes,  yes !  Seguro  !  Si  Seiior," 
and  a  voice,  "  Whar  is  he  ?  ") — Yes,  gentlemen,  it  was  the 
pride  and  pleasure  of  the  Chairman  to  believe  that  such  was 
the  case ;  and  it  was  in  the  hope  of  being  able  to  hurl  back 
the  aspersions  of  the  Savants  of  the  east,  that  this  meeting 
was  called  together ;  it  was  with  the  hope  of  forming  a  per- 
manent, scientific,  California  Association,  composed  of  such 
material  as  cannot  be  found  elsewhere,  and  whose  researches 
and  transactions  should  be  read  with  mingled  emotions  of 
astonishment,  delight  and  envy,  by  every  enlightened  lover  of 


142  THE    SAN   FRANCISCO    ANTIQUARIAN    SOCIETY. 

Mr.  Bags  concluded  that  he  had  took  up  a  good  deal  of 
time,  but  he  hoped  that  a  society  would  be  formed,  and  that 
he  would  pay  bis  share  towards  it  (applause),  and  more  too 
(loud  applause) ;  he  hoped  he  would  be  able  to  do  more : — he 
was  now  reading  a  paper  in  Silliman's  Journal  on  the  "  Hor- 
izontal Paralysis  "  with  its  effects  on  the  "  Cellular  system," 
and  he  hoped  to  get  some  ideas  out  of  it  which  he  would 
adapt  to  California;  and  if  he  should,  the  society  should  have 
the  benefit  of  it.  Mr.  Bags  here  sat  down  amid  prolonged 
and  continued  cheering. 

Barney  Braglagan  was  now  loudly  called  for,  but  not  ap- 
pearing, the  meeting  was  addressed  by  several  of  our  most 
scientific  citizens,  the  tendency  of  whose  remarks  was  entire- 
ly and  unreservedly  in  favor  of  the  formation  of  a  permanent 
society;  and  the  meeting  being  wound  up  to  the  highest 
state  of  scientific  excitement,  it  was  unanimously — Eesolved : 
That  this  meeting  resolve  itself  into  a  permanent  scientific 
association,  to  be  known  as  the  "San  Francisco  Antiqua- 
rian Society  and  California  Academy  of  Arts  and  Sciences," 
and  immediately  enter  into  correspondence  with  all  learned 
and  scientific  associations  on  the  face  of  the  earth. 

Immediately  after  the  passage  of  the  above  resolution,  a 
committee,  consisting  of  Dr.  Keensarvey,  A.  Cove,  and  James 
Calomel,  M.  D.,  were  appointed  to  prepare  a  constitution  for 
the  society.  Leaving  the  hall,  they  immediately  repaired  to 
the  saloon  of  the  California  Exchange ;  when  returning  in 
seven  minutes  and  five  seconds  (mean  solar  time),  they  sub- 
mitted the  following  draft  of  a  constitution,  which  was 
idopted  by  acclamation : 


THE    SAN   FRANCISCO    ANTIQUARIAN   SOCIETY.  143 

ARTICLE  I.  The  officers  of  this  Society  shall  consist  of  a 
President,  Corresponding  Secretary,  Recording  Secretary, 
Treasurer  and  Librarian,  who  shall  be  elected  annually,  by 
ballot. 

ARTICLE  II.  The  objects  of  this  Society  shall  comprise 
inquiries  into  every  thing  in  the  remotest  degree  scientific 
or  artful. 

ARTICLE  III.  The  Society  shall  consist  of  members, 
corresponding  members  and  honorary  members.  The  first  to 
be  persons  residing  in  California;  the  two  last  to  include 
both  persons  and  residents  of  any  other  place  on  the  face  of 
the  globe,  or  elsewhere. 

ARTICLE  IV.  There  shall  be  an  annual  payment  of  one 
hundred  dollars,  in  City,  County,  or  State  scrip,  by  each 
member  residing  in  the  City  of  San  Franscisco,  or  its 
vicinity. 

The  Society  now  proceeded  to  the  election  of  officers 
for  the  ensuing  year,  with  the  following  result :  President, 
Dr.  Keensarvey;  Vice-President,  M.  Quelque  Chose;  Cor- 
responding Secretary,  Gr.  Squibob ;  Recording  Secretary,  A. 
Cove;  Treasurer,  Buck  S.  Bags;  Librarian,  the  Consul  for 
Ireland,  ex-off. 

On  motion,  the  Treasurer  received  permission  from  the 
Society  to  apply  to  the  City  Council  for  liberty  to  stack  the 
scrip  forming  the  funds  of  the  association  upon  the  Plaza 
under  cover  of  a  Tarpaulin. 

On  motion,  committees  were  appointed  to  report  at  the 
first  meeting  of  the  Society,  on  the  following  subjects 


144  THE    SAN   FRANCISCO    ANTIQUARIAN    SOCIETY 

namely:     1st.   Antiquity;    2d.  Geology;   3d.   Toxicology; 
4th.  Ethnology ;  all  as  applicable  to  California. 

On  motion  the  proceedings  of  this  meeting,  and  the 
future  transactions  of  the  Society  shall  be  published  in  the 
San  Francisco  Daily  Alta  Californian,  Silliman's  Journal, 
the  Boston  Olive  Branch,  and  the  extra  documents  accom- 
panying the  President's  annual  message. 

On  motion,  the  Society  adjourned  to  hold  its  first  regular 
meeting  on  "Thursday  evening,  July  15,  in  the  remains  of  the 
old  Adobe  building  anciently  standing  on  the  north-west 
corner  of  the  Plaza. 

Immediately  on  adjournment  the  several  committees 
entered  with  zeal  upon  their  various  duties : 

The  Committee  on  Antiquities  left  at  once,  in  the  night 
boat,  for  Vallejo,  the  residence  of  their  Chairman,  who  had 
informed  them  of  the  existence  at  that  place  of  some  speci- 
mens of  a  substance  termed  "  Old  Monongahela  "  lately  dis- 
covered by  a  scientific  gentleman  residing  at  the  Capitol ; 
— the  Committee  on  Geology  were  seen  eagerly  inquiring 
for  the  omnibus  for  Yerba  Buena  Island ;  that  on  Ethnology 
appointed  a  sub-committee  for  the  City  of  San  Francisco, 
and  made  arrangements  for  the  departure  of  its  main  body 
t3  the  upper  counties  of  the  State,  for  the  purpose  of  holding 
interviews  with  the  primitive  inhabitants,  while  the  Castilian 
savant  in  the  glazed  hat,  who  had  been  appointed  Chairman 
of  the  Committee  on  Toxicology,  repaired  incontinently  to  a 
drinking  saloon,  where  he  commenced  a  series  of  experiments 
in  hydrostatics,  with  the  endeavor  to  ascertain  the  quantity 


THE    SAN   FRANCISCO    ANTIQUARIAN    SOCIETY.  145 

of  fluid  possible  to  be  raised  from  a  glass  in  a  given  time,  by 
a  straw  applied  to  his  mouth,  which  resulted  so  much  to  his 
satisfaction  that  he  was  seen  to  emerge  therefrom  at  four 
o'clock  on  the  following  morning,  in  a  high  state  of  pleasur- 
able excitement,  chanting  huskily  as  he  meandered  down  the 
street,  that  highly  refreshing  Mexican  anthem — 

"  Castro  viene — en  poce  tiempo 
Cuidado  los  Americanos." 

A.  COVE, 

Sec*y  pro  tcrr^ 
Gr.  SQUIBOB, 

Oor.  Sec.  S.  F.  A.  S.  and  G.  A.  A.  & 

San  Francisco  July  10,  1851 


10 


THE  LADIES  BELIEF  SOCIETY. 

EXTRAORDINARY     PROCEEDINGS !!— SCANDALOUS     TREAT 
MENT  OF  "OUR  REPORTER !" 

EDITOR  OF  THE 

S.vx  FBA.NOISOO,  July  12. 

LEARNING  that  a  meeting  of  the  "  Ladies'  Relief  Society '' 
was  to  be  held  this  morning,  at  Pine  Church,  on  Baptist 
Street,  your  Reporter,  actuated  by  a  desire  to  discharge  his 
duty  to  the  public  by  collecting  valuable  information,  and 
incited  by  a  laudable  curiosity  to  ascertain  what  on  earth 
the  ladies  desired  to  be  relieved  from  (on  which  last  point  he 
obtained  the  most  complete  satisfaction,  as  will  appear),  re- 
paired to  that  sacred  edifice,  and  ensconsing  himself  in  a 
pew  conveniently  situated,  in  case  of  a  sudden  retreat  be- 
coming expedient,  near  the  door,  patiently  awaited  the  com- 
mencement of  the  proceedings. 

At  half  past  nine,  A.  M.  precisely,  as  I  ascertained  by 
reference  to  the  magnificent  silver  watch,  valued  at  $18, 
which  I  did  not  draw  in  Tobin  and  Duncan's  grand  raffle, 


147 


yesterday  but  which,  "  on  the  contrary,  quite  the  reverse," 
was  bestowed  on  me  by  my  deceased  Grandmother  (excuse 
the  digression ;  I  am  approaching  a  painful  subject  and  like  to 
do  it  gradually),  the  ladies  began  to  assemble  in  their  beauty, 
and,  I  regret  to  add,  their  strength.  From  the  somewhat 
inconvenient  position  which,  from  motives  of  delicacy  and  a 
desire  to  avoid  the  appearance  of  intrusion,  I  had  assumed 
on  the  floor  of  the  pew,  I  counted  fifty-two  of  the  "  sweeten- 
ers  of  our  cup  of  human  happiness,"  of  every  age,  figure  and 
appearance.  There  was  the  maid  of  blushing  sixteen,  and 
there  was  the  widow  of  sixty,  dressed  in  all  imaginable  styles 
of  colors — white  hats,  red  shawls,  chip  bonnets,  green  aprons 
and  pink  colored  boots. 

The  Pine  Church  looked  like  a  conservatory,  and  as  I 
lay  perdue,  like  an  innocent  (green)  snake  among  the  flowers, 
listening  to  the  merry  laugh  and  innocent  playful  gurglings 
of  delight  that  fell  from  their  hundred  and  four  lips." — How'd 
do,  dear  ?  "  My !  what  a  love  of  a  bonnet !  "  "  What  did  you 
draw,  Fanny  ?  "  "  Is  Lizzy  going  to  marry  that  fellow  ?  " 
&c.,  I  thought  that  "  my  lines  were  cast  in  very  pleasant 
places,  and  that  I  had  a  goodly  heritage."  How  painfully 
was  I  undeceived ;  how  totally  was  I  engulfed !  (a  prefer- 
able mode  of  expression — that '  engulfed ' — to  the  common 
but  indelicate  one  of  "  sucked  in)."  but  I  will  not  anticipate 

As  the  town  clock  struck  ten,  the  doors  were  closed,  and 
a  lady  of  mature  age  and  benign  though  unyielding  expres- 
§ion  (I  do  you  justice,  Madam,  though  you  havn't  used  me 
well),  ascended  the  steps  of  the  pulpit,  and  taking  from  the 


148  THE    LAUiES'    RELIEF    SOCIETY. 

desk  a  fireman's  speaking  trumpet  that  laid  thereon,  she 
smote  an  awful  blow  upon  a  copy  of  the  sacred  scriptures, 
and  vociferated  through  the  brazen  instrument,  "Or  tier/" 
Conversation  ceased,  laughter  was  hushed,  and  with  the  ex> 
ception  of  an  irrepressible  murmur  and  a  subdued  snicker 
from  your  reporter,  as  some  charming  being  exclaimed,  sotto 
voce,  "  don't  pinch  me,"  silence  reigned  profound.  "  Ladies," 
said  the  President,  "  you  are  aware  of  the  object  of  this  meet- 
ing. Tied  down  by  the  absurd  prejudices  of  society ;  tram- 
melled by  the  shackles  of  custom  and  unworthy  superstition ; 
we  have  found  it  necessary  to  form  ourselves  into  a  society, 
where,  free  from  the  intrusion  of  execrable  man;  aloof  from 
his  jealous  scrutiny,  whether  as  father,  brother,  or  that  still 
more  objectionable  character  of  husband,  we  may  throw  off 
restraint,  exert  our  natural  liberty,  and  seek  relief  from  the 
tedious  and  odious  routine  of  duty  imposed  upon  us  in  our 
daily  walk  of  life.  Any  motion  is  in  order." 

At  this  instant,  while  my  wondering  gaze  was  attracted  by 
an  elderly  female  in  a  Tuscan  bonnet  and  green  veil,  who, 
drawing  a  black  pint  bottle  from  the  pocket  of  her  dress, 
proceeded  to  take  a  "  snifter "  therefrom,  with  vast  appa- 
rent satisfaction,  and  then  tendered  it  to  the  lady  that  sat  next 
(a  sweet  little  thing  in  a  Dunstable,  with  cherry-colored  rib- 
bons), a  lady  rose  and  said — "  Mrs.  President :  I  move  that 
a  committee  of  one  be  appointed  to  send  a  servant  to  Batty 
and  Parrens,  for  fifty-two  brandy  smashes"  A  thrill  of  hor- 
ror ran  through  my  veins  ;  I  rose  mechanically  to  my  feet ; 
exclaimed  "  gracious  goodness  !  "  and  fell,  in  a  fainting  con- 


THE  LADIES'  RELIEF  SOCIETY.  149 

dkion,  against  the  back  of  the  pew.  It  was  my  Susan  / 1 
You  remember  the  instant  that  intervenes  between  the  flash 
of  the  lightning  and  the  ensuing  thunder  clap : — for  an  in- 
stant there  was  silence,  dead  silence — you  might  have  heard 
a  paper  of  pins  fall — then  "  at  once  there  rose  so  wild  a  yell," 
"  a  man !  a  man ! "  they  cried,  and  a  scene  of  hubbub  and 
confusion  ensued  that  beggars  description.  The  venerable 
female  in  the  Tuscan  shyed  the  pint  bottle  at  my  head — the 
little  thing  in  the  Dunstable  gave  me  a  back-handed  wipe 
with  a  parasol,  and  for  an  instant  my  life  was  in  positive 
danger  from  the  shower  of  fans,  hymn-books  and  other  missiles 
that  fell  around  me.  "  Put  him  out,  Martha,"  said  an  old 
lady  to  a  lovely  being  in  a  blue  dress  in  an  adjacent  pew — 
"  I  shan't,"  was  the  reply,  "  I  haven't  been  introduced  to  him." 
"  Wretched  creature,"  said  the  President  in  an  awful  voice, 
"  who  are  you  ?  "  "  Reporter  for  the  Alia  "  rose  to  my  throat, 
but  my  lips  refused  their  utterance.  "  What  do  you  want  ?  " 
she  continued, — "  I  want  to  go  home,"  I  feebly  articulated. 
"  Put  him  out ! "  she  rejoined ;  and  before  I  could  think,  much 
less  expostulate,  I  was  pounced  upon  by  two  strong-minded 
women,  and  found  myself  walking  rapidly  down  Baptist  street, 
with  the  impression  of  a  number  three  gaiter  boot  on  my  cloth- 
ing about  ten  inches  below  the  two  ornamental  buttons  upon 
the  small  of  my  back.  From  this  latter  circumstance,  I  have 
formed  the  impression  that  the  little  thing  with  the  Dunsta- 
ble and  cherry-colored  ribbons  assisted  at  my  elimination. 

And  now,  Mr.  Editor,  what  are  we  to  think  of  this? 
Does  it  not  give  rise  to  very  serious  reflections,  that  a  society 


THE  LADIES'  RELIEF  SOCIETI. 

should  exist  in  our  very  midst  of  so  nefarious but  indig- 
nation is  useless.  "I  cannot  do  justice  to  the  subject.71 
Ruffled  in  disposition,  wounded  to  the  heart  in  the  best  and 
most  sacred  feelings  of  my  common  nature,  I  can  only  subscribe 
myself,  Your  outraged  Reporter, 


INAUGURATION    OF   THE    NEW    COLLEC- 
TOR I— TREMENDOUS    EXCITEMENT.  !  1 

ORIENTAL  HOTEL,  SAN  FRANCISCO. 

PASSING  up  Montgomery  street  yesterday  afternoon,  between 
3  and  4  o'clock,  my  attention  was  attracted  by  a  little  gentle- 
man with  a  small  moustache,  who  rushed  hastily  past  me,  and 
turning  down  Commercial  street  sought  to  escape  observation 
by  plunging  among  the  crowd  of  drays  that  perpetually  tan- 
gle up  Long  Wharf.  Though  slightly  lame,  he  had  passed 
me  with  a  speed  that  may  have  been  equalled,  but  for  a  man 
of  his  size  could  never  have  been  excelled ;  and  his  look  of 
frantic  terror — his  countenance,  wild,  pallid  with  apprehen- 
sion, as  I  caught  for  an  instant  his  horror-stricken  gaze,  I 
shall  never  forget.  I  had  turned  partly  around  to  watch  his 
flight,  when  with  a  siidden  shock  I  was  borne  hurriedly 
along,  and  in  an  instant  found  myself  struggling  •  and  plung- 
ing in  the  midst  of  a  mighty  crowd  who  were  evidently  in  hot 
pursuit.  There  were  old  men  young  men  and  maidens, — at 


(52       INAUGURATION  OF  THE  NEW  COLLECTOR. 

least  1  presume  they  were  maidens,  but  it  was  no  time  for 
close  scrutiny ; — there  were  Frenchmen,  Englishmen,  China- 
men,  and  every  other  description  of  men ;  gentlemen  with 
spectacles  and  gentlemen  who  were  spectacles  to  behold ;  men 
with  hats  and  men  without  hats ;  an  angry  sea  of  moustaches, 
coat-tails  and  hickory  shirts,  with  here  and  there  a  dash  of 
foam  in  the  way  of  a  petticoat ;  and  all  pouring  and  rushing 
down  Long  Wharf  with  me  in  the  midst,  like  a  bewildered 
gander  in  a  mill  race. 

There  was  no  shouting — a  look  of  stern  and  gloomy  de- 
termination sat  on  the  countenance  of  each  individual ;  and 
save  an  occasional  muttered  ejaculation  of  "  There  he  goes ! " 
"  I  see  him !  "  we  rushed  on  in  horrid  silence. 

A  sickly  feeling  came  over  me  as  the  conviction  that  I 
was  in  the  midst  of  the  far-famed  and  dreaded  Vigilance 
Committee,  settled  on  my  mind ;  here  was  I,  borne  along 
with  them,  an  involuntary  and  unwilling  member — I,  a  life 
member  of  the  Anti-Capital  Punishment  Scociety,  and  author 
of  the  little  work  called  "  Peace,  or  Directions  for  the  use  of 
the  Sword  as  a  Pruning  Hook,"  who  never  killed  a  fly  in 
my  life — here  I  was,  probably  about  to  countenance,  by  my 
presence,  the  summary  execution  of  the  unhappy  little  cul- 
prit with  the  small  moustache,  who,  for  aught  I  knew  to  tho 
contrary,  might  be  as  immaculate  as  Brigham  Young  him- 
self 

What  would  Brother  Greeley  say  to  see  me  now  ?  But  it 
was  no  time  for  reflection.  "  Onward  we  drove  in  dreadful 
race,  pursuers  and  pursued,"  over  boxes,  bales,  drays  and 


INAUGURATION  OF  THE  NEW  COLLECTOR.       153 

horses ;  the  Jews  screamed  and  shut  their  doors  as  they  satf 
us  coming;  there  was  a  shower  of  many-Waded  knives, 
German  silver  pencils,  and  impracticable  pistols,  as  the  show- 
cases flew  wildly  in  the  air.  It  was  a  dreadful  scene.  I  am 
not  a  fleshy  man — that  is,  not  particularly  fleshy — but  an 
old  villain  with  a  bald  head  and  spectacles,  punched  me  in 
the  abdomen ;  I  lost  my  breath,  closed  my  eyes,  and  remem- 
ber nothing  further.  On  recovering  my  faculties,  I  found 
myself  jammed  up  flat  against  a  sugar  box,  like  a  hoe  cake, 
with  my  head  protruding  over  the  top  in  the  most  uncomfort- 
able manner,  and  apparently  the  weight  of  the  whole  crowd 
(amounting  by  this  time  to  some  six  thousand)  pressed  against 
me,  keeping  me  inextricably  in  my  position.  Here  for  an 
instant  I  caught  a  glimpse  of  a  Stockton  boat  just  leaving  the 
wharf ; — then  every  thing  was  obscured  by  a  sudden  shower 
of  something  white,  and  then  burst  from  the  mob  a  deep  and 
melancholy  howl,  prolonged,  terrific,  hideous.  I  wrenched 
myself  violently  from  the  sugar  box,  and  confronted  a  seedy- 
looking  individual  with  a  battered  hat ;  in  his  hand  he  held  i> 
crumpled  paper,  and  on  his  countenance  sat  the  gloom  of  des 
pair.  "  In  the  name  of  heaven,"  I  gasped,  "  what  is  this  ?  " 
"  He  has  escaped,"  he  replied,  with  a  deep  groan.  "  What 
has  he  done  ?  "  said  I ;  "  who  is  the  criminal  ?  "  "  Done," 
said  he  of  the  seedy  garments,  turning  moodily  away,  "  noth- 
ing— it  is  the  new  Collector  /  /  /  He's  off  to  Stockton."  The 
crowd  dispersed;  slowly  and  sadly  they  all  walked  off.  I 
looked  over  the  side  of  the  wharf.  I  am  not  given  to  exag- 
geration. You  will  believe  me  when  I  tell  you  that  the  sea 


154  INAUGURATION    OF    THE    NEW    COLLECTOR. 

was  white  with  letters  that  had  been  thrown  by  that  crowd 
for  miles  it  was  white  with  them,  and  far  out  in  the  stream  hei 
wheels  filled  with  letter  paper,  her  shafts  clogged  with  dissolv 
ing  wafers,  lay  the  Stockton  boat.  On  her  upper  deck,  in  a 
frenzied  agony,  danced  the  Pilot,  his  hand  grasping  his  shat- 
tered jaw.  An  office-seeker  had  thrown  a  letter  attached  to 
a  stono,  which  had  dislodged  four  of  his  front  teeth !  As  I 
gazed,  the  steamer's  wheels  began  to  move.  At  her  after- 
cabin  window  appeared  a  nose  above  a  small  moustache,  a 
thumb  and  fingers  twinkled  for  an  instant  in  the  sun-light, 
and  she  was  gone.  I  walked  up  the  wharf,  and  gazed  rue- 
fully on  my  torn  clothing  and  shattered  boots,  which  had 
suffered  much  in  this  struggle  of  democracy.  "  Thank  God  ! 
Oh,  Squibob,"  said  I,  "  that  you  are  a  fool,  or  what  amounts 
to  the  same  thing  in  these  times — a  Whig — and  have  no  of- 
fices to  dispense,  and  none  to  seek  for.  Yerily,  the  aphorism 
of  Scripture  is  erroneous :  It  should  read,  It  is  equally 
cursed  to  give  as  to  receive" 

I  repaired  to  my  own  room  at  the  Oriental.  Passing  the 
chamber  of  the  Collector,  I  espied  within,  the  chambermaid, 
an  interesting  colored  person  named  Nancy.  Now  I  used  to 
have  an  unworthy  prejudice  against  the  colored  race ;  but 
since  reading  that  delightful  and  truthful  work,  "Uncle 
Stowe's  Log,"  my  sympathies  are  with  them,  and  I  have 
rather  encouraged  a  Platonic  attachment  for  Nancy,  which 
had  been  engendered  between  us  by  numerous  acts  of  civility 
on  my  part  and  amiability  on  hers.  So  I  naturally  stopped 
to  speak  to  her.  She  sicod  up  to  her  middle  in  unopened 


INAUGURATION    OF    TIIE   NEW    COLLECTOR.  155 

Betters.,  There  must  have  been  on  the  floor  of  that  room 
eighteen  thousand  unopened  letters.  The  monthly  mail 
from  the  East  would  be  nothing  to  it.  "  Mr.  Squibob," 
said  Nancy,  with  a  sweet  smile,  "  is  you  got  airy  shovel  ?  " 
'<  No,  Nancy,"  said  I ;  "  why  do  you  want  a  shovel  ?  "  "  To 
clar  out  dese  yere  letters,"  said  she ;  "  de  Collccker  said  I 
muss  frow  dem  all  away;  he  don't  want  no  such  trash  about 
him."  A  thought  struck  me.  I  hastened  to  my  room, 
seized  a  slop-pail,  returned  and  filled  it  with  letters,  opened 
them,  read  them,  and  selected  a  few,  which  strike  me  as  pe- 
culiarly deserving.  If  the  Collector  reads  the  Herald — and  I 
know  he  "  does  nothing  else  " — these  must  attract  his  atten- 
tion, and  the  object  of  the  writers  will  be  attained.  Here 
they  are.  Of  course,  I  suppress  the  dates  and  signatures ; 
the  authors  will  doubtless  be  recognized  by  their  peculiar 
styles ;  and  the  time  and  place  at  which  they  were  written  ia 
quite  immaterial. 

¥0.  I. 

MY  DEAR  FRIEND  : — I  presume  you  will  be  perfectly 
surrounded  this  morning,  as  usual,  by  a  crowd  of  heartless 
office-seekers ;  I  therefore  take  this  method  of  addressing  you. 
I  thank  God,  I  want  no  office  for  myself  or  others.  You 
have  known  me  for  years,  and  have  never  known  me  to  do 
a  mean  or  dishonorable  action.  I  saw  W up  at  Stock- 
ton the  other  day,  and  he  is  very  anxious  that  I  should  be 
appointed  Inspector  of  Steamboats.  He  said  that  I  needed 
it,  and  deserved  it,  and  that  he  hoped  you  would  give  it  to 


156       INAUGURATION  OF  THE  NEW  COLLECTOR. 

me;  but  I  told  him  I  was  no  office-seeker — I  should  nevei 
ask  you  for  any  office.  He  said  he  would  write  to  you  about 
it.  Please  write  to  me  as  soon  as  you  receive  this,  care  of 
Parry  &  Batten. 

Your  affectionate  friend 


P.  S. — My  friend  John  Smith,  who  you  know  is  a  truo 
Pierce  &  King  man,  is  anxious  to  get  the  appointment  of 
Weigher  and  Guager  of  Macaroni.  He  is  an  excellent  fel- 
low, and  a  true  friend  of  yours.  I  hope,  whether  you  can 
spare  an  Inspectorship  for  me  or  not,  you  will  give  Smith  a 
chance. 


NO.  II. 

MY  DEAR  SIR  : — Allow  me  to  congratulate  you  on  your 
success  in  obtaining  your  wishes.  I  have  called  twice  to  see 
you,  but  have  not  been  able  to  find  you  in.  You  were  kind 
enough  to  assure  me,  before  leaving  for  Washington,  that  I 
might  depend  upon  your  friendship.  I  think  it  very  im- 
probable that  I  shall  be  re-nominated.  The  water-front  Ex- 
tension project  has  not  been  received  with  that  favor  that  I 
expected,  and  what  with  Roman  and  the  Whigs  and  that 

d d  Herald,  I  feel  very  doubtful.     You  will  oblige  me  by 

retaining  in  your  possession,  until  after  the  Convention,  the 
affice  of to  the  Custom  House.    I  must  look  about  me  tc 


INAUGURATION    OF   THE   NEW   COLLECTOR.  157 

command  the  means  of  subsistence.     I  will  see  you  again  on 
this  subject. 

Very  truly  yours, 


P.  S. — My  young  friend,  Mr.  John  Brown,  wishes  to  be 
made  Inspector  of  Vermicelli.  He  is  a  pure  Democrat 
dyed  in  the  wool,  and  I  trust  in  making  your  appointments 
you  will  not  overlook  his  claims.  Brown  tells  me  he  con- 
siders himself  almost  a  relative  of  yours.  His  aunt  used  to 
go  to  school  with  your  father.  She  frequently  writes  to  him, 
and  always  speaks  of  you  with  great  esteem. 


NO.  III. 

MON  AMIE  : — I  ave  been  ver  malade  since  that  I  hav  ar- 
rive, I  ver  muche  thank  you  for  you  civilite  on  la  vapor  which 
we  come  ici,  juntos.  The  peoples  here  do  say  to  me,  you  si 
pued  give  to  me  the  littel  offices  in  you  customs  house.  I 
wish  if  si  usted  gustan  you  me  shall  make  to  be  Inspectors 
de  cigarritos,  Je  1  entends  muy  bien.  Come  to  me  see. 


Countess  de 

Mister  Jos6  Jones  he  say  wish  to  be  entree  clerky.    You 
mucho  me  oblige  by  make  him  do  it 


J58       INAUGURATION  OF  THE  NEW  COLLECTOR. 


NO.  IV. 

The  following  was  evidently  dictated  by  some  belligerent 
old  Democrat  to  an  amanuensis,  who  appears  not  to  have  got 
precisely  the  ideas  intended  : 

SIR: — I  have  been  a  dimocrat  of  the  Jackson  School 
thank  God  for  twenty  years.  If  you  sir  had  been  erected  to 
an  orifice  by  the  pusillanimous  sufferings  of  the  people  as  1 
was  onst  I  would  have  no  clam  but  sir  you  are  appointed  by 
Pierce  for  whom  I  voted  and  King  who  is  dead  as  Julia's 
sister  and  I  expectorate  the  office  for  which  my  friends  will 
ask  you  sir  I  am  a  plane  man  and  wont  the  orifice  of  Prover 
and  taster  of  Brandy  and  wish  you  write  to  me  at  the  Nian- 
tic  where  I  sick  three  days  and  have  to  write  by  a  young 
gentleman  or  come  to  see  me  before  eleven  o'clock  when  I 
generally  get  sick  Yours 

P.  S.  My  young  man  mr.  Peter  Stokes  I  request  may  bo 
made  inspector  of  pipes. 


NO.  V. 

Mr.  Colected  H .  Detor 

Elizer  Muggins 

fore  dosen  peaces $12 .. 

Receat  pament. 


INAUGURATION  OF  THE  NEW  COLLECTOR.        159 

MISTER  COLECTED  My  husban  Mikel  Muggins  will  wish 
me  write  you  no  matur  for  abuv  if  you  make  him  inspector 
in  yore  custom  hous,  he  always  vote  for  Jackson  and  Scott 
and  all  the  Dimocrats  and  he  vote  for  Bugler  and  go  for  ex- 
tension the  waser  works  which  I  like  very  much.  You  will 
much  oblige  by  call  and  settel  this  one  way  or  other. 

ELIZIR  MUGGINS. 

Mike  wants  Mr.  Timothy  flaherty,  who  was  sergent  in 
Pirces  regiment  and  held  Pirces  hoss  when  he  rared  and 
throwed  him  to  be  a  inspector  too  hes  verry  good  man. 

E.  M. 


NO.  VI. 

SIR  : — I  have  held  for  the  last  four  years  the  appointment 
jf  Surveyor  of  Shellfish  in  the  Custom  House,  and  have  done 
my  duty  and  understand  it.  I  have  been  a  Whig,  but  never 
interfered  in  politics,  and  should  have  voted  for  Pierce — it 
was  my  intention — but  a  friend  by  mistake  gave  me  a  wrong 
ballot,  and  I  accidentally  put  it  in,  having  been  drinking  a 
little.  Dear  sir,  I  hope  you  will  not  dismiss  me  ;  no  man  in 
this  city  understands  a  clam  as  I  do,  and  I  shall  be  very 
much  indebted  to  you  to  keep  my  office  for  the  present 
though  have  much  finer  offers  but  don't  wish  at  present  to 
accept. 

Very  respectfully, 


160        INAUGURATION  OP  THE  NEW  COLLECTOR. 

P.  S. — My  friend  Mr.  Thomas  Styles  wishes  to  keep  Lia 
office.  Dear  sir,  he  is  Inspector  of  Raccoon  Oysters ;  he  is 
an  excellent  gentleman,  and  though  they  call  him  a  Whig  1 
think  dear  sir,  there  is  great  doubt.  I  hope  you'll  keep  us 
both ;  it's  very  hard  to  get  good  Inspectors  who  understand 
shell-fish. 


So  much  for  to-day.  If  any  gentleman  incited  by  a  laud 
able  curiosity  wishes  to  peruse  more  of  these  productions,  let 
him  proceed  to  Telegraph  Hill,  and  on  the  summit  of  the 
tower  at  the  extremity  of  the  starboard  yard-arm,  in  the  dis- 
charge of  his  duty  will  be  found,  always  ready,  attentive 
courteous  and  obliging, 

SQUIBOB. 


SQUIBOB  ABHORS  STREET  INTRODUC- 
TIONS. 

No  matter  of  local  interest  having  occurred,  worthy  the 
pen  of  history,  since  the  return  of  the  "  Congressional 
Rifles  "  from  their  target  excursion  at  San  Mateo,  I  propose 
to  devote  a  few  moments  to  the  reprobation  of  an  uncom- 
fortable custom  prevalent  in  this  city,  to  an  alarming  extent, 
and  which  if  persisted  in,  strikes  me  as  calculated  to  destroy 
public  confidence,  and,  to  use  an  architectural  metaphor,  shake 
the  framework  of  society  to  its  very  piles.  I  allude  to  the 
pernicious  habit  which  every  body  seems  to  have  adopted,  of 
making  general,  indiscriminate  and  public  introductions, 
You  meet  Brown  on  Montgomery  street :  "  Good  morning, 
Brown ;  "  "  How  are  you,  Smith  ?  "  "  Let  me  introduce ;  ou 
to  Mr.  Jones  " — and  you  forthwith  shake  hands  with  a  seedy 
individual,  who  has  been  boring  Brown  for  the  previous  hour 
for  a  small  loan  probably — an  individual  you  never  saw  be- 
ll 


162  SQUIBOB   ABHORS    STREET   INTRODUCTIONS, 

fore,  never  had  the  slightest  desire  to  see,  and  never  wish  to 
see  again.  Being  naturally  of  an  arid  disposition,  and  per- 
haps requiring  irrigation  at  that  particular  moment,  you 
unguardedly  invite  Brown,  and  your  new  friend  Jones  of 
course,  to  step  over  to  Parry  and  Batten's,  and  imbibe. 
What  is  the  consequence  ?  The  miscreant  Jones  introduces 
you  to  fifteen  more  equally  desirable  acquaintances,  and  in 
two  minutes  from  the  first  introduction  there  you  are,  with 
seventeen  newly  formed  friends,  all  of  whom  "  take  sugar  in 
their'n,"  at  your  expense. 

This  is  invading  a  man's  quarters  with  a  vengeance.  But 
this  is  not  the  worst  of  it.  Each  gentleman  to  whom  you 
have  been  introduced,  wherever  you  may  meet  thereafter,  in 
billiard  room,  tenpin  alley,  hot  house  or  church,  introduces 
you  to  somebody  else,  and  so  the  list  increases  in  geometrical 
progression,  like  the  sum  of  money,  which  Colman  in  his 
arithmetic  informs  us  the  gentleman  paid  for  the  horse,  with 
such  a  number  of  nails  in  his  shoes — a  story  which  in  early 
childhood  I  remember  to  have  implicitly  believed.  In  this 
manner  you  form  a  crowd  of  acquaintances,  of  the  majority 
of  whom  you  recollect  neither  names  nor  faces,  but  being  con- 
tinually assailed  by  bows  and  smiles  on  all  sides,  from  un- 
known gentlemen,  you  are  forced,  to  avoid  the  appearance  of 
rudeness,  to  go  bowing  and  smirking  down  the  street,  like  a 
distinguished  character  in  a  public  procession,  or  one  of  those 
graven  images  at  Tobin  &  Duncan's,  which  are  eternally 
wagging  their  heads  with  no  definite  object  in  view.  This 
custom  is  peculiarly  embarrassing  in  other  respects.  If  you 


SQUIBOB    ABHORS    STREET   INTRODUCTIONS.  163 

are  so  unfortunate  as  to  possess  an  indifferent  memory  for 
names,  and  a  decided  idiosyncrasy  for  forgetting  faces,  you 
are  continually  in  trouble  as  to  the  amount  of  familiarity 
with  which  to  receive  the  salutation  of  some  unknown  indi- 
vidual to  whom  you  have  been  introduced,  and  who  persists 
in  remembering  all  about  you,  though  you  have  utterly  for- 
gotten him. 

Only  the  other  day,  at  the  Oriental  Hotel,  I  met  an 
elderly  gentleman,  who  bowed  to  me  in  the  most  pleasant 
manner  as  I  entered  the  bar-room.  I  wasn't  quite  sure,  but 
I  thought  I  had  been  introduced  to  him  at  Pat  Hunt's ;  so, 
walking  up,  I  seized  him  familiarly  by  one  hand,  and  slapping 
him  on  the  shoulder  with  the  other,  exclaimed,  "  How  are 
you  old  cock  ?  "  I  shall  not  soon  forget  his  suspicious  glance, 
as  muttering,  "  Old  Cock,  sir! "  he  turned  indignantly  away; 
nor  my  confusion  at  learning  shortly  after,  that  I  had  thus 
irreverently  addressed  the  Rev.  Aminadab  Sleek,  Chairman 
of  the  "  Society  for  Propagating  the  Heathen  in  California," 
to  whom  I  had  brought  a  letter  of  introduction  from  Mrs. 
Harriet  Bitcher  Stowe.  On  the  same  day  I  met  and  ad- 
dressed, with  a  degree  of  distant  respect  almost  amounting  to 
veneration,  an  individual  whom  I  afterwards  ascertained  to 
be  the  husband  of  my  washerwoman — a  discovery  which  I 
did  not  make  until  I  had  inquired  most  respectfully  after  hia 
family,  and  promised  to  call  at  an  early  day  to  see  them. 

There  are  very  few  gentlemen  in  San  Francisco,  to  whom 
I  should  dislike  to  be  introduced,  but  it  is  not  to  gentlemen 
alone,  unhappily,  to  whom  this  introduction  mania  is  confined. 


164  SQUIBOB    ABHORS    STREET   INTRODUCTIONS. 

Everybody  introduces  everybody  else ;  your  tailor,  youi 
barber,  and  your  shoemaker,  deem  it  their  duty  to  introduce 
you  to  all  their  numerous  and  by  no  means  select  circle  of 
acquaintance.  An  unfortunate  friend  of  mine,  T — hf — 1 

J s,  tells  me  that,  stopping  near  the  Union  Hotel  the 

other  day  to  have  his  boots  blacked  by  a  Frenchman,  he  was 
introduced  by  that  exile,  during  the  operation,  to  thirty-eight 
of  his  compatriots,  owing  to  which  piece  of  civility  he  is  now 
suffering  with  a  cutaneous  disorder,  and  has  been  vi  donc-edj 

icid,  and  g d  ever  since,  to  that  degree  that  he  hates  the 

sight  of  a  French  roll,  and  damns  the  memory  of  the  great 
Napoleon. 

My  own  circle  of  acquaintance  is  not  large ;  but  if  I  had 
a  dollar  for  every  introduction  I  have  received  during  the 
last  six  weeks  I  should  be  able  to  back  up  the  Baron  in  one 
of  his  magnificent  schemes,  or  purchase  the  entire  establish- 
ment of  the  Herald  office. 

But  I  have  said  quite  enough  to  prove  the  absurdity  of 
indiscriminate  introductions.  Hoping,  therefore,  that  you 
will  excuse  my  introduction  of  the  subject,  and  that  Winn 
won't  make  an  advertisement  out  of  this  article, 

I  remain,  as  ever,  yours  faithfully. 


SQUIBOB  AT  THE  PLAY. 

ANOTHER  SQUIBOB  IN  THE  FIELD. 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  June  10, 1S5S. 

THE  sympathies  of  the  community  have  been  strongly  ex- 
cited within  the  last  few  days  in  favor  of  an  unfortunate 
gentleman  of  the  Hebrew  persuasion,  on  whom  the  officers 
of  the  Golden  Gate  perpetrated  a  most  inhuman  atrocity, 
during  her  late  trip  from  Panama.  I  gather  from  informa- 
tion of  indignant  passengers,  and  by  contemplation  of  an 
affecting  appeal  to  the  public,  posted  in  the  form  of  a  hand- 
bill at  the  corners  of  the  streets,  that  this  gentleman  was 
forced,  by  threats  and  entreaties,  to  do  violence  to  his  feel- 
ings and  constitution,  by  eating  his  way  through  a  barrel  (not 
a  half  barrel,  as  has  been  stated  by  interested  individuals, 
anxious  to  palliate  the  atrocious  deed)  of  clear  pork !  The 
hand-bill  alluded  to  is  headed  by  a  graphic  and  well-exe- 
cuted sketch  by  Solomon  Ben  David,  a  distinguished  artist 
of  this  city,  and  represents  the  unhappy  sufferer  as  he 


166  SQUIBOB   AT   THE   PLAT. 

emerged  from  the  barrel  after  his  oleaginous  repast,  in  th6 
act  of  asking,  very  naturally,  for  a  drink  of  water.  The 
offence  alleged,  I  find  from  a  hasty  perusal  of  the  resolu- 
tions contained  in  the  hand-bill,  was  simply  that  this  gen- 
tleman, whose  name  appears  to  have  been  Oliver,  was  heard 
inquiring  for  Colonel  Moore,  our  well  known  and  respected 
Ex-Postmaster.  My  friend  Saul  Isaacs,  who  keeps  the  "  any- 
thing on  this  table  for  a  quarter "  stand,  tells  me  that  on 
'doffing  his  cask,"  the  miserable  Oliver  was  found  com- 
pletely bunged  up,  and  that  he  is  now  engaged  in  compos- 
ing a  pathetic  ode,  describing  his  sufferings,  to  be  called 
"  The  Barrel,"  with  a  few  staves  of  which  he  favored  me  on 
the  spot.  It  was  truly  touching.  But  it  is  needless  to  ring  the 
chimes  farther  on  this  subject.  But  one  side  of  the  story  has 
yet  been  heard,  and  as  the  officers  promise  a  full  and  com- 
plete explanation,  it  is  to  be  hoped  that  public  opinion  may 
be  suspended  for  a  few  months,  till  they  can  be  heard  from. 

I  attended  the  American  Theatre  last  evening,  and  had 
the  pleasure  of  seeing  several  admirable  pieces  capitally  per- 
formed, by  the  largest  and  finest  assemblage  of  dramatic 
talent  ever  collected  on  one  stage  in  San  Francisco.  The 
occasion  was  the  benefit  of  the  Hebrew  Benevolent  Society, 
a  very  worthy  and  respectable  charity,  and  the  house  was 
absolutely  crammed  from  pit  to  dome.  The  aisles  and  lob- 
bies were  thronged  with  gentlemen  who  were  unable  to  obtain 
seats,  and  who  could  obtain  but  hasty  and  imperfect  glimpses 
of  the  stage  from  their  uncomfortable  positions.  Through 
the  kindness  of  the  box-keeper  I  was  furnished  with  a  chair, 


SQUIBOB   AT   THE   PLAY.  167 

from  which,  planted  in  the  middle  aisle  of  the  parquette,  1 
had  an  admirable  view  of  the  audience  and  the  drop-curtain. 
The  dress  circle  was  crowded  with  the  fair  daughters  of  Zion 
and  other  localities,  with  silken  hair  darker  than  the  driven 
charcoal,  "  and  bright  eyes  that  flashed  on  eyes  that  shone 
again."  Above  the  second  circle  appeared  a  dense  forest  of 
black  whiskers,  and  curvilinear  proboscis;  while  from  the 
gallery,  that  paradise  of  miners  and  minors,  rang  as  from  a 
dragoon  stable  the  never-ceasing  cry  of  hay!  The  curtain 
rose  on  San  Francisco's  Pet — the  accomplished  Caroline 
Chapman — who  appeared  in  one  of  her  favorite  pieces,  a 
pretty  little  burletta,  called  the  "  Actress  of  All  Work,"  in 
which  she  sustained,  it  is  needless  to  say,  most  admirably,  five 
distinct  characters.  She  was  greeted  on  her  first  entrance 
with  tremendous  and  long-continued  applause,  which  followed 
her  throughout  the  piece,  at  the  conclusion  of  which  she  was 
called  before  the  curtain,  when  with  one  of  her  sweet  smiles 
she  sufficiently  rewarded  the  audience  for  their  just  apprecia- 
tion of  her  talent,  and  her  legion  of  admirers  for  the  beau- 
tiful bouquets  which  fell  around  her.  To  say  that  she  was 
the  "  bright  particular  star  "  of  the  evening's  entertainment, 
would  perhaps  appear  invidious ;  but  for  pure,  fresh,  natural 
acting,  ever-graceful,  sparkling,  and  all-pretty  as  she  appeared, 
she  certainly  could  not  be  excelled,  in  her  peculiar  line  of 
character — and  she  wasn't.  The  audience  admired  thee, 
Caroline  !  and  the  humble  hat  of  Squibob  is  at  thy  disposal 
for  ever  !  Miss  Chapman  was  assisted  by  Mr.  Hamilton,  a 
veteran  and  most  worthy  actor,  who  did  himself  much  credit, 


168  SQUIBOB    AT    THE    PLAY. 

as  he  always  does  in  any  part  he  undertakes.  Then  canip 
Miska  Hauser,  who  with  his  violin  "  went  up  higher,  and 
came  down  lower,"  and  performed  variations  to  that  extent  you 
couldn't  distinguish  the  original  tune  more  bewilderingly,  and 
made  it  to  squeal,  and  to  bray,  and  to  groan,  and  to  whistle, 
and  to  grunt,  and  looked  fiercer  at  the  audience  while  he  was 
doing  it,  than  any  concentrated  number  of  musicians  ever 
collected  by  that  regal  lover  of  harmony,  the  convivial  Cole, 
could  possibly  have  effected.  He  was  received  with  roars  of 
applause  by  the  audience,  who  made  him  do  it  all  over  again  • 
but  as  I  am  somewhat  like  a  corn-field,  with  plenty  of  ears 
but  no  particular  idea  of  music,  I  was  not  perhaps  as  ecstati- 
cally delighted  as  I  ought  to  have  been.  Then  Madame  la 
Comtesse  de  Landsfeldt  appeared  in  the  second  act  of  the 
pantomime  of  Yelva,  in  which  she  delighted  the  audience 
with  her  artistic  delineations  of  the  character  of  an  artless 
and  affectionate  dumb  girl,  and  was  most  enthusiastically 
received  and  applauded.  After  which  a  comic  song  was  given 
and  encored  by  W.  B.  Chapman,  well  known  as  a  comic  actor 
of  great  celebrity,  who  enjoys  a  reputation  in  his  style  of  per- 
formances only  inferior  to  Burton  and  Placide.  After  this 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Baker  acted  very  admirably,  a  very  singular 
piece,  neither  farce  or  comedy,  but  rather  suggestive  of  a 
school  dialogue,  which  though  not  deficient  in  wit,  and  abound- 
ing in  sparkling  repartee,  lacks  adaptation  to  the  stage,  and 
would  perhaps  have  seemed  tiresome,  had  it  not  been  for  the 
talent  of  the  performers.  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Baker  were  received 
with  a  tempest  of  applause,  and  on  being  called  before  the 


SQUIBOB    AT   THE   PLAY.  169 

curtain  at  the  conclusion  of  the  dialogue,  a  large  bouquet,  or 
small  conservatory  of  flowers,  was  thrown  upon  the  stage,  as 
a  tribute  of  admiration  and  regard.  The  performance  closed 
with  the  dance  of  "  Le  Olle  "  by  the  bewitching  Lola,  which 
she  performed  with  inimitable  grace  and  elasticity  and  very 
much  to  the  satisfaction  of  the  audience,  if  I  may  judge  by 
the  roars  that  rent  the  air  as  she  appeared  before  the  curtain 
in  response  to  their  call. 

Thus  finished  the  entertainment  of  the  evening,  with 
which  I,  murmuring  a  kind  afeWj  retired  to  my  virtuous  bed, 
perfectly  satisfied,  as  I  presume  did  the  Hebrew  Benevolent 
Society  generally,  as  their  receipts  must  have  been  between 
three  and  four  thousand  dollars,  with  which  I  hope  they  will 
do  as  much  good  as  I  should,  if  I  had  it.  As  I  walked  up 
the  street  on  my  return  home,  I  noticed  a  lady  who  passed 
me  in  happy  unconsciousness  of  a  small  placard  adhering  to 
what  a  sailor  would  call  the  afterpari  of  her  shawl,  on  which, 
in  capital  letters,  appeared  the  significant  word — TAKEN. 
As  she  walked  between  two  gentlemen,  holding  an  arm  of 
each,  the  notice  was  not  altogether  inappropriate.  She  had 
evidently  sat  upon  one  of  the  little  placards  so  liberally  dis- 
tributed every  night  over  the  front  seats  at  the  American, 
and  it  had  adhered  to  her  dress. 

Who  is  the  witty  individual  that  has  adopted  my  time- 
honored  signature  in  the  Evening  Journal.  Funny  beggar  ! 
He  certainly,  he!  he!  he!  does  get  off,  ha!  ha!  ha!  the 
drollest  things,  ho !  ho !  ho  I  that  I  ever,  ever  heard.  I  was 
taking  my  dinner  at  the  Oriental  when  that  capital  hit  at  the 


170  SQUIBOB   AT   THE   PLAY. 

Japan  Expedition  met  my  eye,  and  was  borne  from  the  room 
by  two  strong  waiters,  choking  with  half  a  glass  of  water 
imbibed  the  wrong  way,  kicking  violently  in  the  air  with  con- 
vulsions of  laughter  and  delight,  and  exclaiming,  oh !  d n 

it ;  thus  losing  my  repast,  and  forfeiting  for  ever  the  esteem  of 
a  grave  and  elderly  gentleman  with  green  spectacles,  who  sits 
opposite  me,  and  has  made  strenuous  efforts  for  my  conver- 
sion, with  great  hope  of  ultimate  success.  Adopt  another 
name,  funny  man,  and  do  not  continue  to  enhance  thus  unde- 
servedly, the  literary  reputation  of 

SQUIBOB. 


THE  PARABLE  OF  THE  FOX  AND  ASS. 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  June  12. 


Editor  of  tho 


I  would  respectfully  call  the  attention  of  the  Evening 
Journal  to  the  following  fable,  to  be  found  in  Esop's  collec- 
tion, page  194 : 

"  THE    FOX    AND    THE    ASS." 

"  An  ass,  finding  a  Lion's  skin,  disguised  himself  therein, 
and  ranged  about  in  the  forest.  After  he  had  diverted  him- 
self for  some  time,  he  met  a  Fox,  and  being  desirous  to 
astonish  him,  he  leaped  at  him  with  some  fierceness,  and 
endeavored  to  imitate  the  roaring  of  a  Lion.  *  Your  humble 
servant,  sir,'  said  the  Fox,  *  if  you  had  held  your  tongue,  I 
might  have  taken  you  for  a  Lion,  as  others  did,  but  now  you 
bray,  I  know  who  you  arc.' 


SQUIBOB  AT  THE  PLAY.  171 

"  MORAL : 

"  We  perceive  from  this  fable  how  proper  it  is  for  those 
to  hold  their  tongues  who  would  not  discover  the  shallowness 
of  their  understandings." 

I  rather  think  it  would  be  "  painting  the  lily  "  to  attempt 
any  improvement  on  this  beautiful  and  instructive  parable, 

by  any  crude  remarks  of  my  own. 

SQUIBOB. 


THE  LITERARY  CONTRIBUTION  BOX. 

LINES  TO  LOLA  MONTES 

SAN  FKASCISCO,  June  13th,  1353. 

OiN  assuming  the  responsible  position  of  poetical  critic  for  tins 
Herald,  I  applied  to  my  friend  Mr.  Parry  for  permission  to 
place  in  one  corner  of  his  San  Francisco  renowned  establish- 
ment, a  cigar-box,  with  a  perforated  sliding  cover,  for  the 
reception  of  poetical  contributions,  a  request  which  that 
gentleman  most  urbanely  granted.  Knowing  that  "  Parry's  " 
was  the  favorite  resort  of  the  wits,  literati  and  savans  of  the 
city,  I  hoped  and  believed  that  this  enterprise  would  be 
crowned  with  the  success  that  it  merited;  but  either  our 
city  poets  are  unable  to  find  quarters  in  that  establishment, 
or  there  is  dearth  of  that  description  of  talent  at  present ; 
for  with  the  exception  of  two  or  three  contributions  of  "  old 
wldiers  "  and  a  half-dollar  deposited  by  an  inebriated  mem« 


THE    LITERARY    CONTRIBUTION   BOX.  173 

ber  of  the  last  Legislature,  on  the  representation  of  hia 
friends  that  the  box  was  placed  there  for  the  relief  of  dis- 
tressed,,  Chinese  women,  nothing  has  come  of  it. 

Diurnally,  after  imbibing  my  morning  glass  of  bimbo  (a 
temperance  drink,  composed  of  "  three  parts  of  root  beer 
and  two  of  water-gruel,  thickened  with  a  little  soft  squash, 
and  strained  through  a  cane-bottomed  chair),"  have  I 
gazed  mournfully  into  that  aching  void,  and  have  turned 
away  to  meet  the  sympathetic  glance  of  Batten,  who,  being 
a  literary  man  himself,  feels  for  iny  disappointment,  and 
shakes  his  head  sadly  as  in  reply  to  my  mute  inquiry,  he 
utters  the  significant  monosyllable  "  Nix."  But  this  morn- 
ing my  exertions  were  rewarded :  "  I  had  a  bite."  In  my 
box  I  found  the  following  contribution,  and  feeling  de- 
lighted at  my  success,  and  to  encourage  others  who  may 
dread  criticism,  I  shall  publish  it  without  remark  or  an- 
notation, merely  premising  that  I  know  nothing  whatever  of 
M.  W.  but  that  he  appears  to  be  a  worthy  and  impulsive 
young  fellow,  who,  having  become  possessed  of  five  dollars, 
invested  it  very  properly  in  the  purchase  of  a  ticket  at  the 
American  Theatre,  where  he  incontinently  fell  in  love  with 
Mrs.  Heald  (as  possibly  others  may  have  done  before  him) 
and  where  he  hastily  "threw  off"  the  following  lines,  written 
doubtless  on  the  back  of  a  playbill,  immediately  after  the 
conclusion  of  the  Spider  Dance,  when  he  probably  found 
himself  in  a  sweet  state,  compounded  of  love,  excitement 
and  perspiration,  caused  by  a  great  physical  exertion,  in  pso 
ducing  the  encore.  Here  it  is : 


174  THE   LITERARY    CONTRIBUTION  BOX. 


"TOLOLAMONTES. 


" FAIR  LOLA! 
I  cannot  believe,  as  I  gaze  on  thy  face, 

And  into  thy  soul-speaking  eye, 
There  rests  in  thy  bosom  one  lingering  trace 
Of  a  spirit  the  world  should  decry. 
No,  Lola,  no! 


I  read  in  those  eyes,  and  on  that  clear  brow, 

A  Spirit^a  Will— it  is  true ; 
I  trace  there  a  Soul — kind,  loving,  e'en  now; 

But  it  is  not  a  wanton  I  view; 
No,  Lola,  No! 


I  will  not  believe  thee  cold,  heartless  and  vain ! 

Man's  victim  thou  ever  hast  been ! 
With  thee  rests  the  sorrow,  on  thee  hangs  the  chain , 
Then  on  thee  should  the  world  cast  the  sin  ? 
No,  Lola,  no. 

M.  W." 

Now  isn't  this but  I  promised  not  to  criticise.     Trj 

it  again,  M.  W. — you'll  do !  Winn,  who  is  looking  over  my 
shoulder,  and  is  a  connoisseur  in  this  description  of  poetry 
says  it  is  very  fair — but  he  will  persist  in  inquiring  "  what 
chain  is  alluded  to  in  the  last  line  but  one  ?  "  He  thinks 
u  there  is  a  link  wanting  there  to  complete  the  connection.' 
But  never  mind  this,  M.  "W. ;  he  would  be  glad  eoough 
to  reward  you  liberally  for  a  similar  article  laudatory 
of  buckwheat  cakes  and  golden  syrup.  Don't  be  dis- 


THE    LITERARY    CONTRIBUTION   BOX.  175 

heartened!  Just  you  go  on  and  fill  the  cigar  box,  con- 
fident  of  deserving  the  "  smiles  "  of  Parry,  the  "  cheer  "  of 
Batten,  and  the  appreciation,  with  a  '<  first-rate  notice,7  of 

admiring 

SQUIBOB 


A  VERY  MOURNFUL  CHAPTER. 

DEATH  AND  SPIRIT  RESURRECTION  OF  SQUIBOB 

[Reported  by  hi*  friend  Slcewldl'} 

SAN  FEANOKCO,  June  15tb,  1S53. 

EDITOR  HERALD — It  becomes  my  melancholy  duty  to  in- 
form you  of  the  decease,  under  most  painful  circumstances, 
of  your  friend  and  contributor,  the  unfortunate  "  SQUIBOB." 
It  has  been  evident  to  the  public  for  some  days  past  that  his 
faculties  were  becoming  much  impaired,  and  his  friends  had 
noticed,  with  regret,  growing  evidences  of  imbecility,  evinced 
by  a  disposition  to  make  unnecessary  and  inappropriate  puns, 
and  a  tendency  to  ridicule  the  Board  of  Aldermen,  the  code 
of  duelling,  and  other  equally  serious  subjects  and  sacred 
institutions.  Hopes  were  still  entertained  of  his  rallying, 
and  many  believed  that  he  would  yet  be  spared  to  us ;  but, 
on  the  13th  instant,  he  was  seized  with  a  violent  attack  of 
the  Evening  Journal — a  species  of  intermittent  epidemic 
which  made  its  appearance  regularly  at  four  o'clock  each 


A  VERY  MOURNFUL  CHAPTER.  17? 

afternoon,  and  under  the  influence  of  which  he  rapidly  sunk. 
He  sent  for  me  late  yesterday  evening,  and  I  had  the 
mournful  satisfaction  of  being  with  him  in  his  last  moments, 
and  of  closing  one  of  his  eyes.  I  say  one  of  his  eyes,  for 
the  other  persisted  in  remaining  partly  open,  and  his  inter- 
esting countenance,  even  in  death,  preserves  that  ineffable 
wink  of  intelligence  which  so  eminently  characterized  him 
while  among  the  living.  I  found  him  suffering  much  from 
physical  and  mental  prostration,  but  evidently  well  aware  of 
his  approaching  end,  and  calm  and  resigned  in  the  con- 
templation of  that  event.  Some  idea  may  be  formed  of  his 
condition  "  from  a  remark  that  he  made :  "  "I  sent  to  the 
cook  for  a  broiled  pork  chop,"  he  feebly  articulated,  "  and  he 
sent  me  a  fried  one.  It  is  satisfactory,  in  one's  last  moments 
thus  to  receive  the  consolations  of  religion  from  a  San  Fran- 
ciscan Friar"  I  could  not  resist  an  expression  of  horror 
at  this  sad  evidence  of  the  alarmingly  low  state  to  which  he 
had  been  brought.  He  smiled  sadly,  and  said,  with  ineffable 
sweetness,  "Never  mind — it's  better  so.  My  friends  have 
all  advised  me  to  die,  and  it  is  my  safest  course.  If  I  had 
continued  in  the  papers,  some  bellicose  individual  would  have 
1 called  me  oui]  and  the  Herald  would  have  been  '  rifled  of 
its  sweets.'  "  He  was  here  seized  with  an  alarming  paroxysm, 
during  which  his  hands  were  extended  in  a  right  line  from 
the  tip  of  his  nose,  the  fingers  separated  and  "  twiddling  ' 
(if  I  may  be  allowed  the  expression)  in  a  convulsive  manner. 
On  recovering,  his  eye  fell  on  a  copy  of  the  Evening  Jour- 
nal He  shuddered,  and  muttering,  in  an  incoherent  manner 
12 


178  A   VERY    MOURNFUL    CHAPTER. 

1 1  am  done  Brown,"  turned  away.  I  then  gave  him  a  glass 
of  "  Bimbo,"  which  appeared  to  arouse  his  energies,  and  ho 
requested  that  his  daguerreotype  of  "  Greene,"  in  his  great 
character  of  Sir  Harcourt  Courtly,  might  be  shown  him. 
A.S  I  held  before  him  the  representation  of  that  artist,  a 
barrel  organ  in  the  street  below  struck  up  his  favorite  tune, 
"  The  Low-Backed  Car."  As  the  well-known  sound  struck 
on  his  ear,  a  light  spread  over  his  countenance.  Sitting  up 
in  bed,  he  seized  the  miniature  and  clapped  it  to  his  breast. 
"Where  is  M.  W.?"  he  screamed.  "Give  it  me  quick! 
quick !  !  "  I  hastily  handed  him  yesterday's  Herald.  His 
eye  fell  on  the  lines.  Gazing  alternately  on  them  and  the 
miniature,  and  eagerly  listening  to  the  organ — "  Poetry  1 
Music !  and  the  Drama  !  "  he  exclaimed — "  Farewell !  fare- 
well, for  ever !  "  The  light  passed  from  his  visage,  his  eye 
glazed,  and  falling  back  upon  his  pillow,  his  gentle  spirit 
passed  away  without  a  struggle. 


1  had  left  the  room  to  give  directions  to  the  weeping 
Nancy,  with  reference  to  the  disposal  of  the  body,  when  re- 
turning, judge  of  my  surprise  at  finding  him  sitting  up  in  bed. 
"Look  here,  old  fellow,"  said  he,  "By  George!  I  quite 
forgot  my  last  words — "  This  is  the  last  of  earth  ! — I  still 
live!! — I  WISH  THE  CONSTITUTION  TO  BE  PRESERVED!!!— 
HERE'S  LUCK  I !  1 1 »  Then  lying  down,  and  closing  one 
eye,  with  a  wink,  the  intense  meaning  of  which  beggars  all 


A  VERY  MOURNFUL  CHAPTER.  170 

description,  lie  expired — this  time  "positively  without  re 
serve." 

P.  S. — The  funeral  ceremonies  will  take  place  to-morrow, 
at  11  o'clock,  at "  Patty  and  Barren's,"  when  the  public  gene- 
rally are  invited  to  attend  (with  rifles).  The  "  Tangarees  " 
(of  which  association  the  deceased  was  a  member),  and  the 
"  Moral  Reform  Society,"  will  form  around  the  bier  (lager), 
and  accompany  the  body  to  its  last  resting  place. 

Winn  is  now  busily  engaged  in  the  melancholy  duty  of 
modelling  his  features  in  soft  gingerbread.  A  copy  of  the 
bust  in  candy  he  promises  shall  be  sent  to  the  offices  of  the 
Herald  and  the  Evening  Journal. 

A  Spiritual  Medium  (one  of  the  tipping  ones)  has  just 
been  experimenting  in  the  room  with  the  remains.  The 
following  questions  were  put,  eliciting  the  following  an- 
swers— 

QUESTION. — "  Is  the  spirit  of  Squibob  present?" 

ANSWER.—"  Slightually." 

QUESTION. — "  Are  you  happy  ?  " 

ANSWER.—"  Bather." 

The  Spirit  here  asked,  through  the  Medium,  the  follow- 
ing question — 

"  Are  the  public  generally  glad  I  am  dead  ?  " 

A  regard  for  veracity  compelled  every  person  in  the  room 
to  reply :  "Very!" — when  the  table  on  which  the  experi- 
ments were  being  conducted  was  violently  capsized,  and  the 
remains,  sitting  up  in  bed,  threw  a  boot  at  the  Medium, 
which  broke  up  the  meeting — the  Medium  very  properly 


180  A    VERY    MOURNFUL    CHAPTER. 

remarking,  that  "  it  would  be  bootless  to  prosecute  the  in- 
quiry farther." 

Should  any  thing  further  of  interest  transpire,  I  will 
take  much  pleasure  in  informing  you. 

Yours  respectfully, 

SKEWBALL 


RETURN  OF  THE  COLLECTOR. 

THRILLING  AND  FRANTIC  EXCITEMENT  AMONG  OFFICE- 
SEEKERS.    PROCESSION  AND  SPEECH. 

INTELLIGENCE  having  reached  the  city  yesterday  morning 
that  the  new  Collector  might  be  expected  by  the  Sophie 
from  Stockton,  at  an  early  hour  in  the  afternoon  the  crowd 
of  office-seekers  began  to  assemble,  and  by  eight  o'clock 
last  evening,  every  avenue  of  approach  to  Long  Wharf  was 
entirely  closed  and  the  wharf  itself  so  densely  packed  with 
human  beings,  that  the  merchants  and  others  compelled  to 
resort  thither,  were  obliged  tc  step  from  the  corner  of  Mont- 
gomery and  Commercial  streets  upon  the  heads  of  the 
crowd,  and  proceed  to  their  places  of  business  over  a  living 
pavement.  Much  suffering  having  been  caused  by  the  pas- 
sage of  loaded  drays  and  other  carriages  over  the  shoulders 
of  the  crowd,  and  many  serious  accidents  having  occurred 
fco  individuals — amongr  which  we  can  only  notice  the  unfor- 


182  RETURN  OF  THE  COLLECTOR. 

Junate  case  of  a  plethoric  elderly  gentleman,  who,  slipping 
on  a  glazed  hat,  fell  down  and  broke  himself  somewhere — • 
our  worthy  Mayor,  ever  alive  to  the  calls  of  humanity, 
throwing  aside  all  political  prejudice,  caused  plank  to  bo 
laid  over  the  heads  of  the  assembly  from  Sansome  street  to 
the  extremity  of  the  wharf,  which  in  a  great  measure  allevi- 
ated their  suffering. 

There  was  no  fighting  or  disorder  among  the  crowd,  for 
so  closely  were  they  packed  that  no  man  could  move  a 
finger ;  one  unfortunate  individual  who  at  an  early  stage  of 
the  proceedings  had  inadvertently  raised  his  arm  above  his 
head,  remained  with  it  immutably  fixed  in  that  position. 
Like  an  East  Indian  Fakir,  who  had  taken  a  vow  to  point 
for  ever  toward  heaven,  that  melancholy  hand  was  seen  for 
hours  directed  towards  the  nearest  bonded  warehouse. 
Some  idea  of  the  amiable  feeling  existing  among  the  mul- 
titude may  be  gathered  from  the  statement  of  Capt.  J. 

B ,  familiarly  known  as  "  Truthful  James."  He  informs 

me  that  early  this  morning  the  keeper  of  a  restaurant  on 
the  wharf  picked  up  no  less  than  seven  hundred  and  eighty- 
four  ears  and  three  peck  baskets  full  of  mutilated  fragments ! 
To  use  the  words  of  James,  as  with  horror-stricken  counte- 
nance he  made  me  this  communication,  "they  had  been 
chawed  sir  !  actilly  chawed  off 7  "  Such  horrible  barbarity 
makes  humanity  shudder !  But  I  forbear  comment,  the 
business  of  your  reporter  is  to  state  facts,  not  to  indulge  in 
sentiment. 

At  half-past  nine  o'clock  an  electric  shock  ran  through 


RETURN  OF  THE  COLLECTOR.  183 

the  vast  assemblage  at  the  well-known  sound  of  the  Sophie's 
bell.  All  the  agony  and  suffering  of%the  past  few  hours  was 
forgotten :  for  an  instant  Long  Wharf  quivered  like  an  aspen 
leaf,  and  then  rose  to  heaven  a  mighty  shout,  which  shook 
every  building  in  the  city  to  its  foundations.  The  Sophie 
approached  the  wharf,  the  Collector  and  her  other  passen- 
gers disembarked,  and  in  a  few  moments  a  procession  wag 
formed  and  proceeded  in  the  following  order  to  tin 
Oriental. 

THE  NEW  COLLECTOR, 

In  a  carriage  drawn  by  two  horses,  lashed  to  their 
utmost  speed,  tearing  along  Battery  street  towards  the 
Hotel. 

All  the  male  inhabitants  of  Stockton  (except  one  reck- 
less and  despairing  old  Whig,  who,  knowing  he  had  no 
chance,  and  being  confined  to  his  bed  by  sickness,  remained 
behind  to  take  charge  of  the  city)  running  eight  abreast,  at 
the  top  of  their  speed. 

THE   POLICE    OF    SAN    FRANCISCO, 

On  a  dead  run,  and  much  blown. 

Candidates  for  office  in  the  Custom  House  who  had  known 
the  Collector  in  his  early  youth,  ten  abreast,  bearing  a  ban- 
ner witk  the  following  motto  :  "  Don't  you  remember  the 
path  where  we  met,  long,  long  ago  ?  " 

A   fire   company,   who   had  inadvertently  turned   into 


184  RETURN  OF  THE  COLLECTOR. 

Battery  street,  were  driven  furiously  along  with  the  proees 
sion,  and  were  wondering  how  the  d — 1  they  were  ever  to 
get  out  of  it. 

Candidates  for  office  who  had  lately  become  acquainted 
with  the  Collector,  twelve  abreast. 

Banner — "We  saw  him  but  a  moment,  but  methinka 
weVe  got  him  now." 

Candidates  who  fervently  wished  to  the  Lord  they  could 
get  acquainted  with  him. 

Candidates  who  had  frequently  heard  of  him — forty-fire 
abreast. 

THE  u.  s.  AEMT, 

Consisting  of  a  discharged  sergeant  of  the  9th  infantry 
slightly  inebriated,  one  abreast,  desiring  the  Deputy  Col 
lectorship,  or  the  Porterage,  or  that  the  Collector  would  give 
him  four  bits— didn't  care  a  d — n  which. 

MUSIC, 

By  an  unhappy  dog,  trodden  under  foot  by  the  crowd 
and  giving  vent  to  the  most  unearthly  yells. 

All  the  members  of  the  Democratic  party  in  California 
who  did  not  wish  for  an  office  in  the  Custom  House,  consist- 
ing of  a  fortunate  miner  who  had  made  his  pile  and  was 
going  home  on  the  first  of  the  month. 

Gentlemen  who  had  the  promise  of  appointments  from 
influential  friends,  and  were  sure  of  getting  them,  walking 


RETURN  OF  THH  COLLECTOR.  185 

arm  in  arm  with  gentlemen  without  distinction  of  party, 
who  were  confident  of  drawing  the  Diamond  watch  in 
Reeve's  Lottery.  This  part  of  the  procession  was  four 
hours  in  passing  a  given  point. 

M.  L.  WINN, 

Bearing  in  his  right  hand  a  pole  from  which  floated  a 
Bill  of  Fare  three  hundred  and  twenty-six  feet  in  length, 
and  in  his  left,  a  buckwheat  cake  glittering  with  golden 
syrup. 

MR.  BRANCH, 

Supporting  the  other  extremity  of  the  Bill  of  Fare. 

CITIZENS  GENERALLY, 

The  procession  having  moved  with  great  rapidity,  soon 
arrived  at  the  Oriental,  but  not  as  soon  as  the  Collector, 
who  rushing  hastily  into  his  room,  locked  and  barricaded 
the  door,  having  previously  instructed  the  Landlord  to  in- 
form all  persons  who  might  inquire  for  him,  that  he  was 
dead.  Meanwhile  the  multitude  had  completely  surrounded 
the  hotel,  and  signified  their  impatience  and  disgust  at  find- 
ing the  doors,  closed  by  angry  roars,  uttered  at  half-second 
intervals.  Finding  their  cries  disregarded,  a  sudden  move- 
ment took  place  among  them,  and  for  a  few  moments  I 
feared  the  hotel  was  to  be  carried  by  storm,  when  a  window 
on  Bush  street  opened,  and  a  gentleman,  whom  the  darkness 


186  RETURN  OF  THE  COLLECTOR. 

of  the  evening  prevented  my  completely  identifying,  but  who 
I  religiously  believe  to  have  been  the  Collector,  appeared, 
and  amid  the  most  profound  silence,  made  the  following 
beautiful  and  touching  address :  "  Gentlemen — I  wish  to 
God  you  would  all  go  to  bed ;  you  have  worried  and  annoyed 
me  beyond  endurance.  I  am  not  to  be  caught  by  you  as 
was  General  Scott,  for  I  actually  have  no  time  to  remove 
any  portion  of  my  clothing.  I  do  not  love  brogue ;  I  be- 
Beech  you,  therefore,  to  retire  and  allow  me  a  little  repose." 
The  address  here  concluded  with  some  allusion  to  the  Deity 
and  a  reference  to  the  eyes  of  the  crowd,  which  being  pro- 
nounced indistinctly,  your  reporter  was  not  able  entirely 
to  comprehend,  and  with  a  sudden  slam  the  window  closed. 

The  scene  without  now  beggared  description:  roars, 
yells,  frantic  cries  for  "  ladders  !  "  "  ladders  !  "  rent  the  air. 
Within  the  hotel  all  was  alarm  and  confusion — the  ladies 
screamed,  children  cried,  the  alarmed  proprietor  spoke  of 
sending  for  the  Mary  Ann  Rifles,  when — the  scene  suddenly 
changed.  Upon  the  piazza  of  the  house  appeared  a  gentle- 
man, walking  slowly  with  his  hands  in  the  pockets  of  a  shawl 
dressing-gown ;  he  wore  a  brown  wig,  and  an  enormous  pair 
of  false  whiskers  framed  his  well-rouged  cheeks.  In  a  word, 
he  was  dressed  in  the  character  of  Sir  Harcourt  Courtly. 
Turning  slowly  towards  the  crowd,  he  withdrew  one  hand 
from  the  pocket  of  the  shawl  dressing-gown,  and  slowly  and 
awkwardly  extending  it,  said : — "  Cool !  "  It  was  sufficient. 
For  an  instant,  a  shudder  ran  through  the  mob — then,  with 
cries  of  "  IPs  him!  ifs  Greene!  "  they  broke  and  dispersed 


RETURN   OF   THE    COLLECTOR.  187 

in  every  direction — up  Bush  and  down  Battery,  through 
Stockton  street  and  over  the  sand-hills,  they  fled  like  fright- 
ened  deer.  The  earth  seemed  to  have  opened  and  swallowed 
them  up,  so  sudden  and  complete  was  the  dispersion.  In 
one  moment,  where  stood  a  mob  of  fifteen  thousand,  re- 
mained but  two  individuals.  Above,  with  a  sidelong  bow 
and  melancholy  smile,  slowly  retired  Sir  Harcourt,  and  on 
the  earth  below,  with  open  mouth  and  distended  eyes,  his 
admiring  gaze  fixed  upon  that  extraordinary  man  with 
reverential  awe,  stood 

PHCENIX. 


SATITEDAY  MOUSING. 

P.  S.  "  Truthful  James  "  has  just  rushed  up  in  a  frantic 
state  to  inform  me  that  the  Collector  did  not  arrive  last 
night  after  all.  When  I  made  my  report,  I  did  not  know 
whether  he  had  or  not,  but  I  am  inclined  now  to  think  he 
might  have  done  so.  I  don't  know  that  it  makes  any  differ- 
ence. If  he  did  arrive,  my  report  is  all  true  now — if  he  did 
not,  why,  when  he  does  arrive,  it  will  be  all  true  then ;  and 
those  who  read  it  this  morning,  and  find  it  false,  will  have  the 
pleasure  of  reading  it  again,  when  it  becomes  the  history  of 
an  actual  occurrence.  Of  course  you  won't  publish  this. 

PHCENIX. 


PHCENIX  TAKES  AN  AFFECTIONATE 
LEAVE  OF  SAN  FRANCISCO. 

SAN  DIEGO,  Aug.  10, 1853. 

Ii  was  about  7£  A.  M.,  on  the  first  day  of  this  present  month 
of  August,  that  I  awaked  from  a  very  pleasant  dream  in  the 
great  city  of  San  Francisco,  to  the  very  unpleasant  conviction 
that  it  was  a  damp  and  disagreeable  morning,  and  that  my 
presence  was  particularly  required  in  the  small  city  of  San 
Diego  So,  having  shaken  hands  with  Frink,  taken  an  affec- 
tionate leave  of  the  chaimbermaid,  and,  lastly,  devoured  a 
beefsteak  at  the  Branch  of  Alden,  which  viand,  in  perfect 
keeping  with  the  weather,  was  both  cold  and  raw,  I  shoul- 
dered my  cane  with  a  carpet  bag  suspended  at  each  end,  "  a  la 
Chinois,"  and  left  the  Tehama  House  without  "  one  linger- 
ing hope  or  fond  regret."  "When  a  man  is  going  down,  every 
body  lends  him  a  kick,  an  aphorism  which  I  came  very  near 
realizing  in  my  own  proper  person,  for  as  I  went  on  my  way 
down  Long  Wharf,  I  accidentally  grazed  a  mule,  who  being  in 


LEAVING    OF    SAN   FRANCISCO.  189 

an  evil  frame  of  mind  and  harnessed  to  a  dray  might  be  con- 
sidered as  passionately  attached  to  that  conveyance.  This  in- 
teresting animal,  fancying  from  my  appearance  that  I  was 
11  going  down,"  "  lent  me  a  kick,"  which,  had  his  legs  been 
two  inches  longer,  would  have  put  a  stop  to  my  correspond- 
ence for  ever.  As  it  was  I  escaped,  and  hurried  on  down  the 
wharf,  thinking  with  a  shudder  on  the  mysterious  prophecy  of 
iny  friend  little  Miss  B.,  who  had  told  me  I  was  "  sure  to  be 
kicked  "  before  I  left  San  Francisco,  and  wondering  if  she 
was  really  "  among  the  prophets."  The  Northerner,  like  the 
steamboat  runners,  was  lying  at  the  end  of  the  wharf,  blow- 
ing off  steam,  and  as  usual  when  a  steamer  is  about  to  leave 
for  Panama,  a  great  crowd  surrounded  her.  What  made 
them  all  get  up  so  early  ?  Out  of  the  three  or  four  hundred 
people  on  the  end  of  that  wharf  I  don't  believe  fifty  had 
friends  that  were  about  to  sail.  No  !  they  love  to  look  upon 
a  steamer  leaving.  It  brings  to  their  minds  recollections  of 
the  dear  ones  at  home  to  whom  she  is  speeding  with  fond 
tidings,  and  they  love  to  gaze  and  wish  to  Heaven  they  were 
going  in  her.  The  usual  mob  of  noisy  fruit  venders  encom- 
passed the  gangway  plank  ;  green  pears  they  sold  to  green- 
er purchasers;  apples,  also,  whereof,  every  thing  but  the 
shape  of  an  apple  had  long  since  departed,  and  oranges,  the 
recollection  of  one  of  which,  doth  to  this  day  abide  by  me 
and  set  my  teeth  on  edge ;  but  high  above  their  din,  the  roar 
of  the  steamer  and  the  murmuring  of  the  crowd,  rang  the 
shrill  cry  of  the  newsboy  in  his  unknown  tongue,  Here's  the 
A  Ueruldniguntimes  Heup  !  I  stepped  across  the  plank  and 


190  LEAVING   OF    SAN   FEANCISCO. 

found  myself  in  the  presence  of  three  fine  bullocks.  How  fat 
and  sleek  they  looked ;  iineasy  though,  as  if  they  smelled  mis- 
chief in  the  wind. 

A  tall  gaunt  specimen  of  Pike  County  humanity  stood  re- 
garding them  approvingly,  his  head  thrown  slightly  back,  to 
get  their  points  to  better  advantage.  It  was  the  tomb  gaz- 
ing on  its  victim.  As  I  paused  for  a  moment  to  look  on  the 
picture,  Pike  yawned  fearfully,  his  head  opening  like  the  top 
of  an  old-fashioned  fall-back  chaise.  The  nearest  bullock, 
turning,  caught  his  eye.  I  thought  the  unhappy  animal  shud- 
dered and  nudged  his  companion,  as  who  should  say,  "  Ye  liv- 
ing, come  and  view  the  grave  where  you  shall  shortly  lie." 
It  was  quite  a  touching  little  scene.  On  deck  all  was  bustle 
and  excitement.  The  sailors,  apparently  in  the  last  extremity 
of  physical  suffering,  judging  by  their  agonized  cries,  were 
heaving  away  at  mysterious  ropes.  The  mate,  Mr.  Ball,  was 
engaged  in  busy,  not  tender  dalliance  with  the  breast  lines, 
while  Burns  the  Purser  exhibited  an  activity  and  good  na- 
ture only  to  be  accounted  for  by  the  supposition  that  he  had 
eaten  two  boxes  of  Russia  salve  (which  is  good  for  Burns — 
Bee  your  advertising  columns)  for  his  breakfast. 

As  the  last  line  fell  from  the  dock,  and  our  noble  steamer 
with  a  mighty  throb  and  deep  sigh,  at  bidding  adieu  to  San 
Francisco,  swung  slowly  round,  the  passengers  crowded  to  the 
side  to  exchange  a  farewell  salutation  with  their  friends  and 
acquaintances.  "  Good  bye,  Jones,"  "  Good  bye,  Brown," 
'  God  bless  you  old  fellow,  take  care  of  yourself!  "  they 
shouted.  Not  seeing  any  one  that  I  knew,  and  fearing  the 


LEAVING   OF    SAN   FRANCISCO.  191 

passengers  might  think  I  had  no  friends,  I  shouted  '*  Good  bye 
Muggins,"  and  had  the  satisfaction  of  having  a  shabby  man 
much  inebriated,  reply  as  he  swung  his  rimless  hat,  "  Good 
bye,  my  brother."  Not  particularly  elated  at  this  recogni- 
tion, I  tried  it  again,  with,  "  Good  bye,  Colonel,"  whereat 
thirty-four  respectable  gentlemen  took  off  their  hats,  and  I 
got  down  from  the  position  that  I  had  occupied  on  a  camp 
stool,  with  much  dignity,  inwardly  wondering  whether  my 
friends  were  all  aids  to  Bigler,  in  which  case  their  elevated 
rank  and  affection  for  me  would  both  be  satisfactorily  ac- 
counted for. 

Away  we  sped  down  the  bay,  the  captain  standing  on  the 
wheel-house  directing  our  course.  "  Port,  Port  a  little,  Port," 
he  shouted.  "  What's  he  a  calling  for  ?  "  inquired  a  youth  of 
good-natured  but  unmistakable  verdancy  of  appearance,  of  me. 
'  Port  wine,"  said  I,  "  and  the  storekeeper  don't  hear  him , 
you'd  better  take  him  up  some."  "  I  will,"  said  Innocence ; 
"  Iv'e  got  a  bottle  of  first  rate  in  my  state  room."  And  he  did, 
but  soon  returned  with  a  particularly  crest-fallen  and  sheepish 
appearance.  "  "Well,  what  did  he  say  to  you,"  inquired  I. 
"  Pointed  at  the  notice  on  that  tin,"  said  the  poor  fellow 
"  Passengers  not  allowed  on  the  wheel-house."  "  He  is, 
though,  ain't  he  ?  "  added  my  friend  with  a  faint  attempt  at 
a  smile,  as  the  captain  in  an  awful  voice  shouted,  "  Starboard ! " 
"Is  what?"  said  I,  "Loud  on  the  wheel  house!"  Good 
G  od  1  I  went  below. 

At  9  o'clock  in  the  evening  we  arrived  at  Monterey, 
where  our  modest  salute  was  answered  by  the  thundering 

t- 


192  LEAVING   OF    SAN    FRANCISCO. 

response  of  a  24-pounder  from  the  fort.  This  useful  defeL 
give  work,  which  mounts  some  twenty  heavy  guns  and  con 
tains  quarters  for  a  regiment,  was  built  in  1848,  by  Halleck, 
Peachy  &  Billings.  It  is  now  used  as  a  hermitage  by  a  lone- 
ly officer  of  the  U.  S.  Army.  The  people  of  Monterey  have 
a  wild  legend  concerning  this  desolate  recluse.  I  was  told 
that  he  passes  the  whole  of  his  time  in  sleep,  never  by  any 
chance  getting  out  of  bed  until  he  hears  the  gun  of  a  steamer, 
when  he  rushes  forth  in  his  shirt,  fires  off  a  24-pounder, 
sponges  and  reloads  it,  takes  a  drink  and  turns  in  again. 
They  never  have  seen  him ;  it's  only  by  his  semi-monthly 
reports  they  know  of  his  existence.  "  Well,"  said  I  to  my 
informant,  a  bustling  little  fellow  named  Bootjacks,  who 
came  off  onboard  of  us,  "  suppose,  some  day  a  steamer  should 
arrive  and  he  should  not  return  her  gun  ?  "  "  Well  sir,"  re- 
plied Bootjacks,  with  a  quaint  smile,  "  we  should  conclude 
that  he  was  either  dead,  or  out  of  powder  "  Logical  deduc- 
tion this,  and  a  rather  curious  story,  altogether;  how  I 
should  liko  to  see  him !  Bootjacks  kindly  presented  me 
with  the  following  state  of  the  markets,  &c.  in  Monterey, 
which  will  give  you  a  better  idea  of  the  large  business  and 
commercial  prosperity  of  that  flourishing  city,  than  any  thing 
that  I  can  write  on  those  subjects. 


MONTEEEY   MARKETS. 

The  arrival  of  a  stranger  by  the  Maj.  Tompkins  from  San 
Francisco,  during  the  past  week,  with  specie  to  the  amount  of 
$4  87J,  most  of  which  has  been  put  in  circulation,  has  produced 


LEAVING    OF    SAN    FRANCISCO.  193 

an  unprecedented  activity  among  our  business  men.  Confidence 
is  in  a  great  measure  restored,  and  our  merchants  have  had  no 
reason  to  complain  of  want  of  occupation.  The  following  is  the 
state  of  our  market,  for  the  principal  articles  of  domestic  con- 
sumption : 

FLOTJK — Twenty-five  pounds,  imported  by  Boston,  &  Co.  per 
Major  Tompldns,  still  in  first  hands ;  flour  in  small  quantities  ia 
jobbing  readily  at  15  @  18  cents  ^  Ib.  "We  notice  sales  of  10  Ib 
by  Boston,  &  Co.,  to  Judge  Merritt,  on  private  terras. 

PORK — The  half  bbl.  imported  by  Col.  Russell,  in  March  last, 
is  nearly  all  in  the  hands  of  jobbers ;  sales  of  4  ib  at  $1,  half  cash ; 
remainder  in  note  at  4  months.  A  half  bbl.  expected  by  Boot- 
jack &  Co.,  early  in  September,  will  overstock  the  market. 

CANDY — Sales  of  6  sticks  by  Boston  &  Co.  to  purser  of  Maj. 
Tompkins,  on  private  terms;  the  market  has  a  downward  ten- 
dency ;  candy  is  jobbing  in  sticks  at  6  @  8  cents. 

POTATOES — We  notice  arrival  of  10  s>  from  the  Santa  Cruz , 
no  sales. 

DEY  GOODS — Sales  of  two  cotton  pocket  hdkfs.  by  Me  Kinley 
&  Co.  at  62^  @  75  cents ;  indorsed  note  at  6  months. 

Lively  place  this  Thank  Heaven  my  lot  is  not  cast 
there — it  was  once,  but  the  people  sold  it  for  taxes.  Having 
taken  on  board  the  U.  S.  mail,  containing  one  letter  (which 
I  believe  must  have  been  the  resignation  of  the  Collector), 
our  noble  steamer  bore  away  to  the  Southward. 

Four  bells  tinkled  from  the  little  bell  aft ;  four  bell? 
chimed  from  its  deep-toned  brother  forward,  and  being  cf  a 
retiring  disposition,  I  retired. 


ia 


PHCENIX  IS  ON  THE  SEA. 

BRIGHT  and  beautiful  rose  the  sun,  from  out  the  calm  blue 
sea,  its  early  rays  gleaming  on  the  snow-white  decks  of 
the  Northerner,  and  "  gilding  refined  gold  "  as  they  pene- 
trated the  state-room  "A,"  and  lingering,  played  among  the 
tresses  of  the  slumbering  McAuburn.  It  was  a  lovely  morn- 
ing, "  the  winds  were  all  hushed,  and  the  waters  at  rest,"  and 
no  sound  was  heard  but  the  throbbing  of  the  engine  and  the 
splash  of  the  paddle  wheels  as  the  gallant  old  Northerner 
sped  on  her  way,  "  tracking  the  trackless  sea."  Two  sailors 
engaged  in  their  morning  devotions  with  the  holy  stones  near 
my  room,  amused  me  not  a  little.  One  of  them,  either  acci- 
dentally or  with  "  malice  prepense,"  threw  a  bucket  of  water 
against  the  bulwark,  which  ricocheting,  struck  the  other  on 
his  dorsal  extremity,  as  he  leaned  to  his  work,  making  that 
portion  of  his  frame  exceedingly  damp  and  him  exceedingly 

angry.    "  You  just  try  that  again, your  soul,"  exclaimed 

the  offer  ded  one,  "  and  I'll  slap  your  chops  for  you."     "  Oh, 


PHCEXIX   IS   ON    THE    SEA.  195 

jes  you  will,"  sarcastically  rejoined  he  of  the  water  bucket 
"  I've  heerd  of  you  afore  !  You're  old  chop-slapper"1  s  son, 
ami  you?  Father  went  round  slapping  people's  chops, 
didn't  he?"  Then  followed  a  short  fight,  in  which,  as  might 
have  been  expected,  "  Old  chop-slappsr's  son  "  got  rather  the 
worst  of  it. 

There  was  no  excuse  for  being  sick  that  morning,  so  our 
passengers,  still  pale,  but  with  cheerful  hope  depicted  in  their 
countenances,  soon  began  to  throng  the  deck,  segars  were 
again  brought  into  requisition,  and  we  had  an  opportunity  of 
ascertaining  "  whether  there  was  any  Bourbon  among  us." 
A  capital  set  of  fellows  they  were.  There  was  Moore,  and 
Parker,  and  Bowers  (one  of  Joe  Bowers'  boys),  and  Sarsa- 
parilla  Meade,  and  Freeman,  which  last  mentioned  gentle- 
men, so  amusing  were  they,  appeared  to  be  travelling  expressly 
to  entertain  us.  And  there  were  no  ladies,  which  to  me  was 
&  blessed  dispensation. 

"  Oh,  woman  !  in  our  hours  of  ease 
Uncertain,  coy,  and  hard  to  please  ; 
When  pain  and  anguish  wring  the  brow, 
A  ministering  angel  thou." 

Certainly :  but  at  sea,  Woman,  you  are  decidedly  disa- 
greeable. In  the  first  place,  you  generally  bring  babies  with 
you,  which  are  a  crying  evil,  and  then  you  have  to  have  the 
best  state-room  and  the  first  seat  at  the  table,  and  monopolize 
the  captain's  attention  and  his  room,  and  you  make  remarks 
to  one  another  about  us,  and  our  segars  and  profanitv,  an^ 


i96  PHCENIX    IS    ON    THE    SEA. 

iccuse  us  of  singing  rowdy  songs,  nights ;  and  you  generally 
tfind  up  by  doing  some  scandalous  thing  yourself,  when  half 
of  us  take  your  part  and  the  other  half  don't,  and  we  get 
ill  together  by  the  ears,  and  a  pretty  state  of  affairs  ensues, 
N"o,  woman  !  you  are  agreeable  enough  on  shore,  if  taken 
homeopathically,  but  on  a  steamer,  you  are  a  decided  nuisance. 

We  had  a  glorious  day  aboard  the  old  Northerner;  we 
played  whist,  and  sang  songs,  and  told  stories,  many  of  which 
were  coeval  with  our  ancient  school-lessons,  and  like  them 
came  very  easy,  going  over  the  second  time,  and  many  drank 
strong  waters,  and  becoming  mopsed  thereon,  toasted  "  the 
girls  we'd  left  behind  us,"  whereat  one,  who,  being  a  tem- 
perance man,  had  guzzled  soda-water  until  his  eyes  seemed 
about  to  pop  from  his  head,  pondered  deeply,  sighed,  and  sai  J 
nothing.  And  so  we  laughed,  and  sang,  and  played,  and 
whiskied,  and  soda- watered  through  the  day.  And  fast  the 
old  Northerner  rolled  en.  And  at  night  the  Captain  gave 
us  a  grand  game  supper  in  his  room,  at  which  game  we  played 
not,  but  went  at  it  in  sober  earnest ;  and  then  there  were 
more  songs  (the  same  ones,  though,  and  the  same  stories  too, 
over  again),  and  some  speechifying,  and  much  fun,  until  at 
eight  bells  we  separated,  some  shouting,  some  laughing,  some 
crying  (but  not  with  sorrow),  but  all  extremely  happy,  and  so 
we  turned  in.  But  before  I  sought  state-room  A  that  night, 
I  executed  a  small  scheme,  for  insuring  undisturbed  repose, 
which  I  had  revolved  in  my  mind  during  the  day,  and  which 
met  with  the  most  brilliant  success,  as  you  shall  hear. 

You  remember  the  two  snobs  that  every  night,  in  the 


PHXENIX   IS   ON    THE    SEA.  197 

pursuit  of  exercise  under  difficulties,  walk  up  and  dowii  on 
the  deck,  arm  in  arm,  right  over  your  state-room.  You 
remember  how,  when  just  as  you  are  getting  into  your  first 
doze,  they  commence,  tramp !  tramp  !  tramp !  right  over 
your  head ;  then  you  "  hear  them  fainter,  fainter  still ;  "  you 
listen  in  horrible  dread  of  their  return,  nourishing  the  while 
a  feeble-minded  hope  that  they  may  have  gone  below — when, 
horror !  here  they  come,  leader,  louder,  till  tramp !  tramp ! 
tramp  !  they  go  over  your  head  again,  and  with  rage  in  your 
heart,  at  the  conviction  that  sleep  is  impossible,  you  sit  up  in 
bed  and  despairingly  light  aii  unnecessary  segar.  They  were 
on  board  the  Northerner,  and  the  night  before  had  aroused 
my  indignation  to  that  strong  pitch  that  I  had  determined  on 
their  downfall.  So,  before  retiring,  I  proceeded  to  the  upper 
deck,  and  there  did  I  quietly  attach  a  small  cord  to  the 
stanchions,  which  stretching  across,  about  six  inches  from  the 
planking,  formed  what  in  maritime  matters  is  known  as  a 
"  booby  trap."  This  done,  I  repaired  to  my  room,  turned  in 
and  calmly  awaited  the  result.  In  ten  minutes  they  came,  I 
heard  them  laughing  together  as  they  mounted  the  ladder. 
Then  commenced  the  exercise,  louder,  louder,  tramp !  tramp ! 
— thump !  (a  double-barrelled  thump)  down  they  came 
together,  "  Oh,  what  a  fall  was  there  my  countrymen."  Two 
deep  groans  were  elicited,  and  then  followed  what,  if  published, 
would  make  two  closely  printed  royal  octavo  pages  of  pro- 
fanity. I  heard  them  d — n  the  soul  of  the  man  that  did  it. 
It  was  my  soul  that  they  alluded  to,  but  I  cared  not,  I  laj 
there  chuckling ;  "  they  called,  but  I  answered  not  again,' 


19  8  PHCENIX    IS    ON    THE    REA. 

and  when  at  length  they  limped  away,  their  loud  profanity, 
subdued  to  a  blasphemous  growl,  I  turned  over  in  a  sweel 
frame  of  inind  and,  falling  instantaneously  asleep,  dreamed  a 
dream,  a  happy  dream  of  "  home  and  thee  " — Susan  Ann 
Jane  1 

The  next  morning  bright  and  early,  the  Coronados  hove 
in  sight,  and  at  10  o'clock  we  rounded  Point  Loma  and  ran 
alongside  the  coal  hulk  Clarissa  Andrews,  at  the  Playa  of 
San  Diego — just  forty-nine  hours  from  San  Francisco. 

The  captain  (he  is  the  crew  also)  of  the  Clarissa  Andrews, 
the  gallant  Bogart,  stood  on  her  rail  ready  to  catch  our  flying 
line,  and  in  a  few  moments  we  were  secured  alongside,  our 
engine  motionless  and  my  journey  ended. 

It  was  with  no  small  regret  that  I  bade  adieu  to  our  merry 
passengers  and  our  glorious  captain.  Noble  fellow  !  I  don't 
wonder  enthusiastic  passengers  get  up  subscriptions  and  make 
speeches  and  present  plate  and  trumpets,  and  what  not  to 
such  men.  It's  very  natural. 

A  good  captain  is  sure  to  have  a  good  ship ;  a  voyage 
with  him  becomes  an  agreeable  matter ;  he  makes  his  passen- 
gers happy  and  they  very  naturally  fall  in  love  with  him,  and 
seek  some  method  of  displaying  their  attachment  and  "  trum- 
peting his  praise  abroad."  Our  captain  was  one  of  this  sort; 
kind,  courteous  and  obliging,  and  "  every  inch  a  sailor,"  he  is 
as  much  beloved  and  respected  by  his  passengers  as  Dick 
Whiting  of  the  California  (who  to  my  mind  is  the  ne  plus 
ultra  of  steamboat  men),  and  when  I  say  that  the  first  letter 


PHOENIX   IS   ON   THE    SEA.  109 

af  his  name  is  Isham,  I'm  sure  every  body  that  ever  travelled 
with  him,  will  agree  with  me. 

The  Northerner,  too,  is  a  splendid  and  most  comfortable 
ship,  as  which  of  the  Pacific  Mail  boats  are  not  ?  however. 
And  this  subject  brings  to  my  mind  a  little  circumstance 
whirh  took  place  the  day  before  I  left  San  Francisco. 

A  shabby-genteel  individual,  with  a  pale  face,  in  the  cen- 
tre of  which  shone  a  purple  nose  that  couldn't  be  beat 
(though  it  resembled  the  vegetable  of  that  name),  called  on 
me,  and  drawing  from  his  coat-tail  pocket,  with  an  air  of 
mystery,  a  voluminous  manuscript,  spread  it  solemnly  before 
me  and  requested  my  signature.  It  was  a  petition  to  Con- 
gress, or  Mr.  Pierce,  or  John  Bigler,  or  somebody,  to  trans- 
fer the  contract  for  carrying  the  mails,  from  the  "  Pacific 
Company"  to  "  Yanderbilt's  Line,"  and  was  signed  by  Brown 
fc  Co.,  Jones  &  Co.,  Smith  &  Brothers,  Noakes,  Stiles  & 
Thompson,  and  ever  so  many  more  responsible  firms,  whereof 
[  recognized  but  one,  which  deals  in  candy  nightly  at  the  cor- 
ner of  Commercial  and  Montgomery  streets,  and  pays  no  taxes, 
and  whose  correspondence  with  the  Eastern  States  I  suspect 
is  not  large.  I  love  to  sign  my  name.  It  is  a  weakness  that 
most  modest  men  have.  I  love  to  write  it,  and  cut  it,  and 
scratch  it  in  steeples,  and  monuments,  and  other  places  of 
public  resort.  Most  men  do.  It  looks  pretty,  passes  away 
the  time,  perpetuates  their  memory  among  posterity,  and  costs 
nothing.  I  frequently  buy  something  that  I  don't  want  at 
all,  just  for  the  pleasure  of  signing  my  name  to  a  check — (I 
bought  a  ridiculous  buggy  the  other  day  for  no  other  reason 


200  PHCENIX   IS    ON    THE    SEA. 

that  I  can  imagine.)  But  I  had  no  inclination  to  append  mj 
autograph  to  that  petition,  and  I  declined,  positively  and  per- 
emptorily— declined.  My  friend  with  the  nose  rolled  up  his 
eyes  and  rolled  up  his  paper,  pocketed  it,  and  was  about  to 
withdraw.  "  Stop  !  "  said  I,  as  a  vivid  recollection  flashed 
across  my  mind ;  *'  what  are  you  going  about  with  that  paper 
for  ?  Didn't  I  see  you  a  few  months  ago  marching  down  the 
street  at  the  head  of  a  long  procession,  bearing  a  big  banner 
with  "  VANDERBILT'S  DEATH  LINE  !  "  in  great  letters  thereon, 
and  giving  vent  to  all  sorts  of  scurrility  against  the  Nica- 
ragua route  ?  "  The  red  nose  grew  redder,  as  he  muttered 
something  about  "  a  man's  being  obliged  to  get  a  living,"  and 
he  retired.  I  saw  him  go  and  get  his  boots  blacked  by  a 
Frenchman  right  opposite,  give  him  a  quarter,  and  get  him  to 
Bign  his  name,  which  that  exile  did  and  thought  it  was  a 
receipt  for  the  money,  and  I  laughed  heartily.  But  it  is  no 
laughing  matter. 

Having  taken  leave  of  all  on  board  the  dear  old  North- 
erner, and  shaken  hands  twice  all  round,  during  which  process 
the  mate  sang  out,  "  Bare  a  hand  there,"  and  I  mechanically 
took  off  my  glove,  McAuburn  and  I  were  transported  to  the 
shore,  where,  while  waiting  for  a  wagon  to  take  us  to  the  old 
town  of  San  Diego,  we  stopped  at  the  little  public  house  of 
the  Playa,  kept  by  a  civil  fellow  named  Donahoo,  whom  the 
Spaniards  here,  judging  from  his  name  (Don't  know  who}} 
believe  to  be  the  son  of  old  "  Quien  sabe  "  himself.  What 
befell  us  there  and  thereafter  I  will  shortly  inform  you. 


PHCENIX  IN  SAN  DIEGC 

THE  Bay  of  San  Diego  is  shaped  like  s.  boot,  the  Ipg 
forming  the  entrance  from  the  sea,  and  the  toe  extending 
some  twelve  miles  inland  at  right  angles  to  it,  as  a  matter  of 
course,  points  southward  to  the  latter  er.d  of  Mexico,  from 
which  it  is  distant  at  present,  precisely  three  miles ! 

The  three  villages  then,  which  go  to  make  up  the  great 
city  of  San  Diego,  are  the  "  Playa,"  "  Old  Town,"  and  "  New 
Town,"  or  "  Davis's  Folly."  At  the  "  Playa"  there  are  but 
few  buildings  at  present,  and  these  kot  remarkable  for  size  or 
architectural  beauty  of  design.  A  long  low,  one-storied 
tenement,  near  the  base  of  the  Lills,  once  occupied  by  rol- 
licking Captain  Magruder,  and  the  officers  under  his  com- 
mand, is  now  the  place  where  JuJgeWitherby,  like  Matthew, 
patiently  "  sits  at  the  receipt  of  customs."  But  few  customers 
appear,  for  with  the  exception  of  the  mail  steamers  once  a 
fortnight,  and  the  Goliah  and  Ohio,  two  little  coasting 
steamers  that  wheeze  in  and  out  once  or  twice  a  month,  the 


202  PHCENIX   IN    SAN    DIEGO. 

calm  waters  of  San  Diego  Bay  remain  unruffled  by  keel  01 
cutwater  from  one  year's  end  to  another.  Such  a  thing  as 
a  foreign  bottom  has  never  made  its  appearance  to  gladden 
the  Collector's  heart ;  in  this  respect,  the  harbor  has  indeed 
proved  bottomless.  Two  crazy  old  hulks  riding  at  anchor^ 
and  the  barque  Clarissa  Andrews  (filled  with  coal  for  P.  M, 
S.  S.  Co.),  wherein  dwells  Captain  Bogart.  like  a  second 
Robinson  Crusoe,  with  a  man  Friday,  who  is  mate,  cook, 
steward  and  all  hands,  make  up  the  amount  of  shipping  at 
the  "Playa."  Then  there  is  the  "Ocean  House"  (that's 
Donahoe's),  and  a  store  marked  Gardiner  &  Bleeker,  than 
the  inside  of  which  nothing  could  be  bleaker,  for  "  there's 
nothing  in  it,"  and  an  odd-looking  little  building  on  stilts  out 
in  the  water,  where  a  savan  named  Sabot,  in  the  employ  of 
the  U.  S.  Engineers,  makes  mysterious  observations  on  the 
tide  ;  and  these  with  three  other  small  buildings,  unoccupied, 
a  fence  and  a  grave-yard,  constitute  all  the  u  improvements" 
that  have  been  made  at  the  "  Playa."  The  ruins  of  two  old 
hide-houses,  immortalized  by  Dana  in  his  "  Two  Years  before 
the  Mast,"  are  still  standing,  one  bearing  the  weather-beaten 
name  of  Tasso.  We  examined  these  and  got  well  bitten  by 
fleas  for  our  trouble.  We  also  examined  the  other  great 
curiosity  of  the  Playa — a  natural  one — being  a  cleft  in  the 
adjacent  hills,  some  hundred  feet  in  depth,  with  a  smooth, 
hard  floor  of  white  sand,  and  its  walls  of  indurated  clay,  per- 
iorated  with  cavities,  wherein  dwell  countless  numbers  of 
great  white  owls,  from  which  circumstance.  Captain  Bogart 
tails  it  "  Owldom  '' 


PIKE  NIX   IN    SAN    DIEGO  203 

Through  this  cleft  we  marched  into   the  bowels  of  the 
.and  without  impediment,  for  nearly  half  a  mile,  when  being 
brought  to  a  stand  still  by  a  high,  smooth  wall,  Me  Auburn 
did  proceed  to  carve  thereon  a  name.     But  as  he  laid  out  his 
work  on  too  extensive  a  scale,  the  letters  being  about  three 
feet  in  length — though  he  worked  with  amazing  energy — he 
got  no  farther  than  this — JO,  when  his  knife  broke  and  the 
inscription  remained  incomplete.     Whether,  therefore,  it  was 
intended  to  perpetuate  to  posterity  the  memory  of  the  great 
Joseph  Bowers,  or  one  of  his  girls,  we  may  never  know,  as 
Mac  showed  no  disposition  to  be  communicative,  and  indeed 
requested  me  to  "  dry  up,"  when  I  questioned  him  on  the 
subject.     From  present  appearances,  one  would  be  little  dis- 
posed to  imagine  that  the  "  Playa  "  in  five  or  six  years  might 
become  a  city  of  the  size  of  Louisville,  with  brick  buildings, 
paved  streets,  gas  lights,  theatres,  gambling  houses,  and  so 
forth.     It  is  not  at  all  improbable,  however,  should  the  great 
Pacific  Railroad  terminate  at  San  Diego,  an  event  within  the 
range  of  probability,  the  "  Playa  "  must  be  the  depot,  and  as 
such  will  become  a  point  of  great  importance.     The  land- 
holders about  here  are  well  aware  of  this  fact,  and  conse- 
quently affix  already  incredible  prices  to  very  unprepossessing 
pieces  of  land.     Lots  of  one  hundred  and  fifty  feet  front,  not 
situated  in  particularly  eligible  places  either,  have  been  sold 
within  the  last  few  weeks  for  five  hundred  dollars  apiece. 
u  De  gustibus"  &c      At  present  I  confess  I  should  prefer 
the  money  to  the  real  estate.     While  at  the  Playa,  I  had  the 
pleasure  of  forming  an  acquaintance  with  the  ^Vilot,  Captain 


204       •  PHCENIX   IN    SAN    DIEGO. 

Wm.  G.  Oliver,  as  noble  a  specimen  of  a  sailor  as  you  would 
wish  to  see.  He  was  a  lieutenant  in  the  Texas  navy,  under 
the  celebrated  Moore,  and  told  me  many  yarns  concerning 
that  gallant  commander.  Great  injustice,  I  think,  has  been 
done  in  not  giving  to  these  officers  the  rank  to  which  they  are 
entitled  in  our  service.  Captain  Oliver  would  do  honor  to 
any  navy  in  the  world,  for  beside  being  a  thorough  seaman 
he  is  an  accomplished  and  agreeable  gentleman.  Leaving  the 
Playa  in  a  wagon  drawn  by  two  wild  mules,  driven  at  the  top 
of  their  speed,  by  the  intrepid  Donaho,  Mac  and  I  were 
whirled  over  a  hard  road,  smooth  and  even  as  a  ball-room 
floor,  on  our  way  to  "  Old  Town."  Five  miles  from  the 
"  Playa "  we  passed  the  estate  of  the  Hon.  John  Hays, 
County  Judge  of  San  Diego,  an  old  Texian,  and  a  most 
amiable  gentleman.  The  judge  has  a  fine  farm  of  eighty  or 
one  hundred  acres,  under  high  cultivation,  and  what  few  gen- 
tlemen in  California  can  boast  of — a  private  fish  pond !  He 
has  enclosed  some  twenty  acres  of  the  flats  near  his  residence, 
having  a  small  outlet,  with  a  net  attached,  from  which  he 
daily  makes  a  haul  almost  equalling  the  miraculous  draught 
on  the  Lake  Gennesaret. 

The  old  town  of  San  Diego  is  pleasantly  situated  on  the 
left  bank  of  the  little  river  that  bears  its  name.  It  contains, 
perhaps,  a  hundred  houses,  some  of  wood,  but  mostly  of  the 
"Adoban"  or  "Gresan"  order  of  architecture.  A  small 
Plaza  forms  the  centre  of  the  town,  one  side  of  which  is  occu- 
pied  by  a  little  adobe  building  used  as  a  court  room,  tho 
*  Colorado  House,"  a  wooden  structure,  whereof  the  second 


PHtENIX    IN    SAN   DIEGO, 


205 


story  is  occupied  by  the  San  Diego  Herald,  as  a  vast  sign 
bearing  that  legend  informed  us,  and  the  Exchange,  a  hos- 
telry, at  which  we  stopped.  This  establishment  is  kept  by 
Hoof  (familiarly  known  as  Johnny,  but  whom  I  once  chris- 
tened Cloven),  and  Tibbetts,  who  is  also  called  Two  lifts,  in 
honorable  distinction  from  an  unworthy  partner  he  once  had, 
who  obtained  unenviable  notoriety  as  "  Picayune  Smith?* 
On  entering,  we  found  ourselves  in  a  large  bar  and  billiard 
room  fitted  up  with  customary  pictures  and  mirrors.  Here 
I  saw  Lieut.  Derby,  of  the  Topograpical  Engineers,  an  elderly 
gentleman  of  emaciated  appearance,  and  serious  cast  of 
features.  Constant  study  and  unremitting  attention  to  his 
laborious  duties  have  reduced  him  almost  to  a  skeleton,  but 
there  are  not  wanting  those  who  say  that  an  unrequited 
attachment  in  his  earlier  days,  is  the  cause  of  his  care-woin 
appearance. 

He  was  sent  out  from  Washington  some  months  since,  "  to 
dam  the  San  Diego  River,"  and  he  informed  me  with  a  deep 
sigh  and  melancholy  smile,  that  he  had  done  it  (mentally) 
several  times  since  his  arrival.  Here,  also,  I  made  the  ac- 
quaintance of  Squire  Moon,  a  jovial,  middle-aged  gentleman 
from  the  State  of  Georgia,  who  replied  to  my  inquiries  con- 
cerning his  health,  that  he  was  "  as  fine  as  silk,  but  not  half 
so  well  beliked  by  the  ladies."  After  partaking  of  supper, 
which  meal  was  served  up  in  the  rear  of  the  billiard  room, 
alfresco,  from  a  clothless  table,  upon  an  earthen  floor,  I  fell 
in  conversation  with  Judge  Ames,  the  talented,  good-hearted 
but  eccentric  editor  of  the  San  Diego  Herald,  of  whom  the 


200  PHCENIX    IN    SAN    DIEGO. 

poet  Andrews,  in  his  immortal  work,  "  The  Cocopa  Maid»" 
once  profanely  sang  as  follows  : 

"There  was  a  man  whose  name  was  Ames. 
His  aims  were  aims  of  mystery ; 

His  story  odd,  I  think  hy 

Would  make  a  famous  history.** 

1  found  "the  Judge"  exceedingly  agreeable,  urbane  and 
well  informed,  and  obtained  from  him  much  valuable  informa- 
tion regarding  San  Diego  and  its  statistics.  San  Diego  con- 
tains at  present  about  seven  hundred  inhabitants,  two-thirds 
of  whom  are  "  native  and  to  the  manor  born,"  the  remainder, 
a  mixture  of  American,  English,  German,  Hebrew  and  Pike 
County.  There  are  seven  stores  or  shops  in  the  village,  where 
any  thing  may  be  obtained  from  a  fine-tooth  comb  to  a  horse 
rake,  two  public  houses,  a  Catholic  church  which  meets  in 
a  private  residence,  and  a  Protestant  ditto,  to  which  the  Rev. 
Dr.  Reynolds,  chaplain  of  the  military  post  six  miles  distant, 
communicates  religious  intelligence  every  Sunday  afternoon. 

San  Diego  is  the  residence  of  Don  Juan  Bandini,  whose 
mansion  fronts  on  one  side  of  the  Plaza.  He  is  well  known 
to  the  early  settlers  of  California  as  a  gentleman  of  distin 
guished  politeness  and  hospitality.  His  wife  and  daughters 
are  among  the  most  beautiful  and  accomplished  ladies  of  our 
State.  One  of  the  latter  is  married  to  Mr.  Stearns,  a  very 
wealthy  and  distinguished  resident  of  Los  Angelos,  another 
to  Col.  Coute,  late  a  Lieutenant  in  the  first  regiment  of  TJ. 
8.  dragoons,  and  another  to  Mr.  Charles  Johnson,  who  for  a 


PHCENIX    IN    SAN   DIEGO.  207 

long  time  was  the  agent  of  the  P.  M.  S.  S.  Company  at  this 
place.  The  whole  family  is  highly  connected  and  universally 
respected. 

Having  smoked  the  pipe  of  contemplation,  and  played  a 
game  of  billiards  with  a  young  gentleman  who  remarked, 
"he  could  give  me  fifty  and  beat  me,"  which  he  certainly  did, 
with  a  celerity  that  led  me  to  conclude  "  he  couldn't  do  any 
thing  else,"  I  retired  for  the  night,  but  not  to  sleep,  as  I 
fondly  imagined.  Fleas  ?  rather !  I  say  nothing  at  present ; 
my  feelings  of  indignation  against  those  wretched  insects  are 
too  deep  for  utterance.  On  another  occasion,  when  in  a  milder 
mood,  I  intend  to  write  a  letter  concerning  and  condemnatory 
of  them,  and  publish  it.  Yes,  by  Heaven,  if  I  have  to  pay 
for  it  as  an  advertisement ! 

The  next  morning,  bright  and  early,  I  parted  with  my 
young  military  friend  McAuburn,  who  was  about  to  join  his 
company  at  the  Gila  River.  "  Good  bye,  Phoenix,"  says  he, 
"  God  bless  you,  old  fellow  !  And  look  here,  if  you  go  to 
San  Francisco,  tell  her — no,  by  George !  you  always  make 
fun  of  every  thing.  Good  bye."  So  he  wrung  my  hand  and 
galloped  away,  and  I  stood  looking  after  him  till  his  prancing 
horse  and  graceful  figure  were  hid  by  the  projecting  hills  of 
the  old  Presidio.  "  Blessings  go  with  you  my  boy ! "  said  I, 
''  for  a  fine,  honest,  noble-hearted  young  chap,  you  haven't 
many  superiors  in  the  U.  S.  Army ;  and  happy,  in  my  opinion, 
is  the  woman  who  gets  you." 

How  I  went  to  a  Baile,  and  visited  "  New  Town,"  and 
rode  forth  to  the  Mission,  and  attended  a  Fiesta,  and  the  ex- 


208  PHCENIX    IN   SAN   DIEGO. 

traordinary  adventures  that  befell  me  there,  shall  form  the 
subject  of  a  future  epistle ;  at  present  my  time  is  too  much 
occupied,  for  lo,  /  am  an  editor  I  Hasn't  Ames  gone  to  San 
Francisco  (with  this  very  letter  in  his  pocket),  leaving  a  notice 
in  his  last  edition,  "  that  during  his  absence  an  able  literary 
friend  will  assume  his  position  as  editor  of  the  Herald,"  and 
am  I  not  that  able  literary  friend  ?  (Heaven  save  the  mark.) 
"  You'd  better  believe  it."  I've  been  writing  a  "  leader  "  and 
?unny  anecdotes  all  day  (which  will  account  for  the  dryness 
of  this  production),  and  such  a  "  leader,"  and  such  anecdotes 
I'll  send  you  the  paper  next  week,  and  if  you  don't  allow  that 
there's  been  no  such  publication,  weekly  or  serial,  since  the 
days  of  the  "  Bunkum  Flagstaff,"  I'll  crawfish,  and  take  to 
reading  Johnson's  Dictionary.  Fraternally — ahem ! 

Yotirs. 


CAMP  REMINISCENCES. 

TJCSII HAPS,  you  will  not  object  to  a  few  short  military 
yarns  wliich  I  have  hastily  twined  for  your  edification.  And 
if  the  interesting,  fair-haired,  blue-eyed  (or  otherwise)  son 
of  the  reader,  now  sitting  on  his  knee,  on  hearing  them, 
should  look  confidingly  into  his  parent's  face,  and  inquire— 
"  Is  that  true,  Papa  ?  "  reply,  oh  reader,  unhesitatingly — 
"  My  son,  it  is." 

Many  years  since,  during  the  height  of  the  Florida  war,  a 
company  of  the  Second  Infantry  made  their  camp  for  the 
night,  after  a  rainy  day's  march,  by  the  bank  of  a  muddy 
stream  that  sluggishly  meandered  through  a  dense  and  un- 
wholesome everglade.  Dennis  Mulligan,  the  red-haired  Irish 
servant  of  the  commanding  officer,  having  seen  his  master's 
tent  comfortably  pitched,  lit  a  small  fire  beneath  a  huge 
palmetto,  and  having  cut  several  slices  of  fat  pork  from  the 
daily  ration,  proceeded  to  fry  that  edible  for  the  nightlj 
repast - 

14 


210  CAMP   REMINISCENCES. 

In  the  deep  gloom  of  the  evening,  silence  reigned  un« 
broken  but  by  the  crackling  of  Dennis's  small  fire  and  the 
frizzling  of  the  pork  as  it  crisped  and  curled  in  the  mighty 
mess-pan,  when  suddenly,  with  a  tremendous  "  whoosh,"  the 
leaves  cf  the  palmetto  were  disturbed  and  a  great  barred 
owl,  five  feet  from  tip  to  tip,  settled  in  the  foliage.  Dennis 
was  superstitious,  most  Irishmen  are,  and  startled  by  the 
disturbance,  he  suspended  for  an  instant  his  culinary  opera- 
tions, and  frying-pan  in  hand,  gazed  slowly  and  fearfully 
about  him.  Persuading  himself  that  the  noise  was  but  the 
effect  of  imagination,  he  again  addressed  himself  to  his  task, 
when  the  owl  set  up  his  fearful  hoot,  which  sounded  to  the 
horrified  ears  of  Dennis,  like,  "  Who — cooks — -for  you — all  ? 
Again  he  suspended  operations,  again  gazed  fearfully  forth  into 
the  night,  again  persuaded  himself  that  his  imagination  was  at 
fault,  and  was  about  to  return  to  his  task,  when  accidentally 
glancing  upward  he  beheld  the  awful  countenance  and  glaring 
eyes  of  the  owl  turned  downward  upon  him,  and  from  that 
cavernous  throat  in  hollow  tones,  again  issued  the  question, 
«  Who — who — cooks — -for  you — all  ?  "  "  God  bless  your 
honor,"  said  poor  Dennis,  while  the  mess-pan  shook  in  his 
quivering  grasp,  and  the  unheeded  pork  poured  forth  a  molten 
stream,  which,  falling  upon  the  flames,  caused  a  burst  of  illu- 
mination that  added  to  the  terrors  of  the  scene,  "  God  bless 
your  honor,/  cooks  for  Captain  Eaton,  but  I  don't  know  sir, 
who  cooks  for  the  rest  of  the  gintlemen."  A  burst  of  fiendish 
laughter  followed — from  those  who  had  witnessed  the  in- 


CAMP    REMINISCENCES.  2U 

isident  unseen,  and  "  Dennis's  Devil "  became  a  favorite 
yarn  in  the  Second  Infantry  from  that  time  forth. 

In  New  Mexico,  at  some  time  during  the  last  two  years, 
Capt.  A.  B.  of  the  First  Dragoons,  commanding  Company, 
had  been  stationed  about  forty  miles  from  a  small  post 
commanded  by  Lieut.  0.  B.  of  the  Infantry.  One  day 
Capt.  B.  concluded  to  ride  over  and  give  his  neighbor  a 
call ;  so  throwing  himself  athwart  a  noble  horse,  he  started, 
and  after  a  hard  gallop — forty  miles  is  a  respectable  ride 
you  know — he  arrived  at  0.  B.'s  tent  just  as  the  drummer 
was  performing  that  popular  air,  "  Oh,  the  roast  beef  of  Old 
England." 

Reining  in  his  horse  and  shaking  hands  with  0.  B.,  who 
came  forth  to  greet  him,  "  on  hospitable  thought  intent,"  he 
said,  "  Well,  Lawrence,  been  to  dinner  ?  "  "  No,  I  haven't," 
was  the  reply,  "just  going,  come  in,  come  in  ;  "  "  Devilish 
glad  of  it,"  said  Capt.  B.  dismounting,  "  never  was  so  hungry 
in  all  my  life."  "  Well,  come  in,"  said  0.  B.,  and  they  went  in 
accordingly,  and  took  seats  at  a  small  uncovered  pine  table,  on 
which  a  servant  shortly  placed  a  large  tin  pan  full  of  boiled 
rice,  and  a  broken  bottle  half  full  of  mustard.  The  Captain 
looked  despairingly  around — there  was  nothing  else.  "  Abe," 
said  0.  B.,  as  he  drew  the  tin  pan  towards  him,  "are  you 
fond  of  boiled  rice  ? "  "  Well,  no,"  said  Abe,  somewhat 
hesitatingly,  "I  can't  say  that  I  am — very — Lawrence." 
"  Ah,"  replied  Lawrence,  coolly,  "  well  just  help  yourself  to 
the  m'jAtard ! '"  "He  was  from  South  Carolina,"  said  B., 


212  CAMP    REMINISCENCES. 

when  he   told   this   story,  "  and   they  eat   rice  down  there 
some- what." 

For  the  following,  Lieut.  W.  of  the  Engineers  is  re- 
sponsible. He  told  it  to  me  in  1852,  at  the  Cafe  of  Do 
minico,  in  Havana. 

Old  Col.  Torn  S.  of  the  Infantry,  a  very  large,  burly,  red- 
facad  gentleman,  with  a  snow-white  head  and  a  voice  like  a 
bass  trombone,  has  an  unfortunate  habit  of  thinking  out  loud. 
While  stationed  temporarily  in  Washington,  the  old  gentle- 
man one  Sunday  morning,  took  it  into  his  head  to  go  to 
church,  where  he  took  a  seat  in  a  pew  beneath  the  pulpit, 
and,  prayer-book  in  hand,  attentively  followed  tLe  clergyman 
through  the  service.  It  happened  to  be  the  17th  day  of  the 
month ;  but  in  giving  out  the  Psalms  for  the  day,  the  Rev. 
Mr.  P.  made  a  mistake  and  announced — "  The  16th  day  of 
the  month,  morning  prayer,  beginning  at  the  79th  Psalm." 
When  to  the  astonishment  of  the  congregation,  Old  Col.  Tom 
in  the  pew  below,  in  a  deep  bass  voice  thought  aloud — "  The 
1.1  th  day  of  the  month,  by  Jupiter  !  "  The  clergyman  im- 
mediately corrected  himself — "Ah!  the  17th  day  of  the 
month,  morning  prayer,  beginning  at  the  86th  Psalm." 
When  the  propriety  of  the  assembly  was  immediately  dis- 
turbed by  another  thought  from  Old  Tom,  who  in  the  same 
deep  tone  remarked,  "  Had  him  there  !  "  He  had,  certainly, 
and  the  congregation  also. 

Two  years  ago,  when  the  gallant  Col.  Magruder,  of  con- 
vivial memory,  commanded  the  U.  S.  forces  at  the  Mission 
of  San  Diego,  it  entered  into  that  officer's  head  to  execute  a 


CAMP   REMINISCENCES.  213 

Berenade  for  the  behoof  of  certain  fair  ladies  then  honoring 
New  Town  with  their  presence.  Accordingly  all  the  officers 
of  the  mess  who  could  sing,  play,  or  beat  time,  were  pressed 
into  the  service,  and  one  night  about  12  o'clock,  a  jolly  crowd 
loft  the  Mission  for  New  Town,  in  a  large  wagon  plentifully 
furnished  with  guitars,  flutes,  and  other  arangements  of  a 
musical  nature.  Among  the  rest,  a  jovial  young  surgeon, 
attached  to  the  command,  had  installed  himself  on  the  back 
seat,  with  his  instrument ;  which  happened  on  this  occasion 
to  be  a  bottle  of  whiskey,  and  on  which  he  played  during  the 
ride  with  such  effect  as  to  have  raised  his  spirits  on  the  ar- 
rival at  New  Town,  considerably  above  the  fifth  ledger  line. 
You  may  remember  a  Bowery  song,  rather  popular  in  those 
days,  the  chorus  of  which  ran — 

"Oh  ray  name  is  Jake  Keyser,  I  was  born  in  Spring  Garden, 

To  make  me  a  preacher,  my  father  did  try ; 
But  it's  no  use  a  blowing,  for  I  am  a  hard  one, 
And  I  am  bound  to  be  a  butcher,  by  Heavens,  or  die." 

This  unfortunate  song  had  somehow  or  other  occurred  to 
the  Doctor,  he  couldn't  get  rid  of  it,  he  couldn't  help  singing 
it ;  and  accordingly  when  the  whole  party  were  duly  ranged 
beneath  the  window  and  with  flutes  and  voices  upraised,  were 
solemnly  bleating  forth 

"  Oft  in  the  stilly  night," 
tne  entertainments  were  disagreeably  varied  ;  for  far  louder 


214  CAMP    REMINISCENCES. 

than  the  "  stilly  night,"  rang  the  wild  medical  chant,  onlj 
varied  by  an  occasional  hie, 


"  Oh  my  name  is  Jake  Keyser,"  &c. 

This  was  not  to  be  borne ;  so  turning  fiercely  on  the  de- 
linquent Esculapius,  Col.  Magruder  commanded  him  to 
desist  from  the  interruption,  and  to  "  thenceforth  hold  hia 
peace." 

With  admirable  strategy  the  Doctor  backed  up  against 
an  adjacent  fence,  where  he  could  deliver  himself  safely  and 
to  advantage,  and  with  most  intense  dignity  replied — "  Col. 
Magrudger,  I'm  rofficer  of  the  arry,  when  I'm  ath'  Mission, 
I'm  under  your  orrers ;  con&ider  se'f  so — and— obey  'im ;  But, 
when  I'm  down  here  sir !  serrerading — "  Oh,  Pm  bound  to 
be  a  butcher,  by  Heavens,  or  die  !  whoop  !  "  and  after  per- 
forming an  extempore  dance,  of  a  frantic  description,  during 
which  he  fell  to  the  earth,  the  Doctor  was  borne  by  main 
force  to  the  wagon,  where  he  slept  at  intervals  during  the  re- 
mainder of  the  serenade,  occasionally  waking  as  some  flourish 
of  extra  shrillness  or  power  occurred,  to  mutter  incoherently, 
that  his  "  name  was  Jake  Keyser." 

My  last  sheet  of  paper  is  exhausted,  so  I  presume  is 
your  patience.  I  have  glanced  hastily  over  my  work  to  see 
if  there  is  any  thing  that  Miss  Pecksniff  may  object  to ;  I 
see  nothing.  A  little  blank  swearing,  to  be  sure,  but  I 
grieve  to  say  that  it  is  difficult  to  relate  stories  without,  for 
since  the  days  of  Uncle  Toby  and  the  Flanders  campaign 


CAMP    REMINISCENCES.  215 

there  is  no  question  but  what  the  army  have  sworn  terribly ; 
but  I  really  believe  that  "  they  don't  mean  any  thing  by  it, 
it's  just  a  way  they've  got,"  which  is  a  remark  made  by  an 
affectionate  father,  when  told  that  his  seven  children  had  all 
been  seized  with  the  measles  in  one  night. — Adieu. 

'4  When  other  lips  and  other  hearts,"  &c. 

Yours  respectively. 


PHCENIX  TO  THE  PIONEER. 


SAN  DIEGO,  Cal.,  April  20th,  1854. 

ON  receiving  my  long-promised  file  of  The  Pioneer,  accom« 
panied  by  your  affecting  entreaty  to  "  Come  over  into  Mace- 
donia and  help  us,"  deeply  impressed  with  the  importance  of 
the  crisis,  I  rushed  about  this  village  as  wildly  as  a  fowl  de- 
capitated, but  with  purpose  more  intent. 

Hastily  collecting  our  Improvisator!,  including  "the 
Squire,"  "  his  Reverence,"  and  the  funny  "  Scheherazade," 
I  besought  them  in  the  name  of  humanity,  and  by  the  mem- 
ory of  Miller,  to  tell  me  quickly  their  choicest  anecdotes, 
their  raciest  puns,  and  newest  conundrums,  that  I  might 
collate  them  for  your  benefit,  and  San  Diego  assume  its  prop- 
er literary  position  at  (not  under)  your  editorial  table.  My 
success  was  encouraging,  and  I  herewith  present  you  a  choice 
selection  of  the  anecdotes  accumulated,  which  have  at  least  the 
merit  claimed  by  the  late  Ben  Jonson  for  an  original  piece  of 
blauk  verse  ;  for  "  Poetry  or  not  poetry,  they're  true  by 


JOHN   PIKENIX    TO    THE   PIONEER.  217 

Heavens."  In  the  course  of  my  researches,  I  collected  manj 
quite  new  and  particularly  shocking  sayings  of  blasphemous 
little  children ;  but  I  shall  not  tell  you  these,  for  with  all  due 
deference  to  the  taste  of  those  who  have  rendered  this  style 
of  literature  fashionable  of  late,  I  cannot  refrain  from  ex- 
pressing the  opinion  that  the  subject  has  been  rather  "  insert- 
ed in  the  earth ;  "  and  if  that  wicked  old  Clark,  of  the 
Knickerbocker )  don't  roast  hereafter  for  starting  it,  we're  go- 
ing to  have  a  much  easier  time  in  the  next  world  than  my 
knowledge  of  the  Scriptures  gives  reason  to  believe.  "  De 
gustibus  non  est  disputandum,"  as  the  old  lady  remarked 
with  an  affectionate  simper,  when  she  kissed  her  cow.  Here 
are  the  stories — mira. 

In  1849,  "  Jacks  &  Woodruff"  kept  on  Clay  street,  just 
above  Kearney,  one  of  the  largest  jewelry  establishments  in 
San  Francisco.  Jacks  (who,  by  the  way,  is  one  of  the  fun- 
niest men  that  ever  lived),  being  well-known  and  universally 
popular,  in  order  to  let  new  arrivals  among  his  home  ac- 
quaintances know  that  he  was  round,  had  his  name,  Pulaski 
Jacks,  painted  in  big  capitals  on  a  sheet  of  tin,  and  nailed 
up  beside  the  door.  One  day  a  tall,  yellow-haired,  sun-burned 
Pike,  in  the  butternut-colored  hat,  coat  and  so  forths  "  of 
the  period,"  entered  and  accosted  Woodruff,  who  was  behind 
the  counter,  with,  "  Say,  stranger,  I  want  to  take  a  look  of 
them  new-fangled  things  of  yourn."  "  What  things,  sir  ?  " 
«  Why  them  Pulaski  Jacks  1 "  "  Why  that,"  said  Woodruff, 
laughing,  "  is  my  partner's  name.  Jacks  &  Woodruff ;  name's 
Pulaski— Pulaski  Jacks— see  ?  "  "  No  !  "  said  Pike,  "  is  it  1 " 


218  JOHN   PH02NIX   TO    THE   PIONEER. 

Well,  looks  like ;  darned  if  I  knowed  it  though ;  I  swar  1 
didn't  know  as  they  was  boot-Jacks  or  jack-asses  ;  ho !  ho  ! " 
And  taking  another  good  long  look  at  the  object  of  his  curios- 
ity, he  travelled.  Jacks  took  that  tin  thing  down. — Sug- 
gestive, this  is,  of  a  story  told  us  not  long  since  by  Maj.  E. 
of  the  army,  which  we  are  not  aware  ever  appeared  before  in 
print ;  "  least- ways,"  we  never  saw  it.  A  solemn-looking  fel- 
low with  a  certain  air  of  dry  humor  about  the  corners  of  his 
rather  sanctimonious  mouth,  stepped  quietly  one  day,  into 
the  tailoring  establishment  of  "  Call  &  Tuttle,"  Boston,  Mass., 
and  quietly  remarked  to  the  clerk  in  attendance,  "  I  want  to 
tuttle"  "  What  do  you  mean,  sir ? "  inquired  the  astonished 
official.  "  Well,"  rejoined  he,  "  I  want  to  tuttle — noticed  your 
invitation  over  the  door,  so  I  catted,  and  now  I  should  like  to 
tuttle  !  "  He  was  ordered  to  leave  the  establishment,  which  he 
did,  with  a  look  of  angry  wonder,  grumbling,  sotto  voce,  that  it 
seemed  devilish  hard  he  couldn't  be  allowed  to  tuttle  after  an 
express  invitation. — And  this  again  reminds  us  of  a  facetious 
performance  of  the  late  J.  P.  Squibob,  who,  "  once  on  a  time," 
while  walking  down  Pennsylvania  Avenue,  was  sorely  mysti- 
fied by  a  modest  little  sign,  standing  in  the  window  of  a  neat 
little  shop  on  the  left-hand  side  as  you  go  down.  The  sign 
bore,  ingayly  painted  letters,  the  legend,  "  Washington  Ladies' 
Depository."  Flattening  his  nose  against  the  window,  Squi- 
bob descried  two  ladies,  whom  he  describes  as  of  exceeding 
beauty,  neatly  dressed  and  busily  engaged  in  sewing,  behind 
a  little  counter.  The  fore-ground  was  filled  with  lace  caps, 
babies'  stockings,  compresses  for  the  waist,  capes,  collars  and 


JOHN   PHCENIX    TO    THE    PIONEER.  219 

other  articles  of  still  life.  Hat  in  hand.  Squibob  reverently 
entered,  and  with  intense  politeness,  addressed  one  of  the 
ladies  as  follows :  "  Madam,  I  perceive  by  your  sign  that  this 
is  the  depository  for  Washington  ladies ;  I  am  going  to  the 
North  for  a  few  days,  and  should  be  pleased  to  leave  my 
wife  in  your  charge — But  I  don't  know,  if  by  your  rules  you 
could  receive  her,  as  she  is  a  Baltimore  woman !  "  "  One  of 
the  ladies,"  says  Squibob,  "  a  pretty  little  girl  in  a  blue  dress? 
sewing  on  a  thing  that  looked  like  a  pillow-case  with  arm- 
holes,  turned  very  red,  and  holding  down  her  head,  made  the 
remark  '  te  he  !  '  But  the  elder  of  the  twain,  after  making 
as  if  she  would  laugh,  but  by  a  strong-minded  effort  holding 
in,  replied,  l  Sir,  you  have  made  a  mistake  ;  this  is  the  placo 
where  the  society  of  Washington  ladies  deposit  their  work, 
to  be  sold  for  the  benefit  of  the  distressed  natives  of  the 
Island  of  Fernando  de  Noronha,'  or  words  to  that  effect." 
Gravely  did  the  wicked  Squibob  bow,  all  solemnly  begged 
her  pardon,  and  putting  on  his  hat,  walked  off,  followed  by  a 
sound  from  that  depository,  as  of  an  autumnal  brook,  gurgling 
and  babbling  gayly  over  its  pebbly  bed  in  a  New  England 
forest. 

My  stock  is  my  no  means  exhausted,  but  "  Demasiado  de 
una  cosa  buena  es  demasiado,"  as  Don  Juan  remarked  when 
he  took  twenty-four  Brandreth's  pills  and  his  wife  earnestly 
solicited  him  to  swallow  the  box.  Next  month,  Deo  volente 
you  shall  hear  from  me  again ;  till  then  adieu. 


EEVIEW  OF  NEW  BOOKS. 

PREPARED  BY  JOHN  PHCENIX. 

Life  and  Times  of  Joseph  Bowers  the  Elder.  Collated  from 
Unpublished  Papers  of  the  Late  John  P.  Squibol).  BY 
J.  BOWERS,  JR.  Vallecitos  :  Hyde  &  Seekim,  1854. 


MANY  of  your  readers  ^ill  doubtless  remember  to  have  been 
occasionally  mystified,  when,  struck  by  the  remarkable  beauty 
of  some  passing  female  stranger,  or  by  the  flashes  of  wit 
sparkling  from  the  lips  of  some  gentlemanly  unknown,  on 
making  tbo  inquiry,  "  Who  is  that  ?  '  the  reply  has  been  given, 
1  Oh  that  is  one  of  old  Joe  Bowers'  girls/'  or  boys,  as  the 
case  may  have  been  ;  and  they  will  also  remember  that  when 
about  to  propound  the  naturally  succeeding  question,  "  Who 
is  Old  Joe  Bowers  ?  "  they  have  been  deterred  from  so  doing, 
ly  a  peculiar  smile,  and  an  indefinable  glance  of  the  eye,  ap- 
proximating to  what  is  vulgarly  termed  a  wink,  on  the  part 
of  their  informant. 


REVIEW   OF   NEW   BOOKS.  221 

Such  persons,  and  indeed  all  who  seek  to  improve  theii 
minds  by  indulging  a  wholesome  curiosity  as  to  the  private 
history  of  the  good  and  great  of  earth,  will  be  glad  to  hear 
that  this  question  of  "  Who  is  Joseph  Bowers  ?  "  is  about  to 
be  definitely  answered. 

Through  the  kindness  of  Messrs.  Hyde  and  Seekim  of  Val- 
lecitos,  we  have  been  permitted  to  glance  over  the'proof-sheets 
of  their  forthcoming  work,  the  title  of  which  is  given  above, 
and  to  make  therefrom  such  selections  as  we  may  deem  suf- 
ficient to  interest  the  public  in  promoting  the  filial  design  of 
the  younger  Bowers,  to  transmit  the  name  and  virtues  of  his 
honored  sire  to  posterity. 

Joseph  Bowers  the  elder  (or  as  he  is  familiarly  known, 
"  Old  Joe  Bowers  "),  we  learn  from  this  history,  was  born 
in  Ypsilanti,  Washtenaw  county,  Michigan,  on  the  first  day 
of  April,  1776,  of  "poor  but  honest  parents."  His  father, 
during  the  troubles  of  the  revolutionary  struggle,  was  en- 
gaged in  business  as  a  malefactor  in  western  New  York,  from 
which  part  :f  the  country  he  was  compelled  to  emigrate,  by 
the  prejudices  and  annoyances  of  the  bigoted  settlers  among 
whom  he  had  for  many  years  conducted  his  operations.  Emi- 
grating suddenly,  in  fact  "  with  such  precipitation,"  says  the 
narrator,  "  that  my  grandfather  took  nothing  with  him  of  his 
large  property,  but  a  single  shirt,  which  he  happened  to  have 
about  him  at  the  time  he  formed  his  resolution,"  he  found 
himself  after  a  journey  of  several  days,  of  vicissitude  and  suf- 
fering, upon  the  summit  of  a  hill  overlooking  a  beautiful  val- 
ley in  the  fertile  State  of  Michigan.  Struck  by  the  beauty 


222  REVIEW  OF  NEW  BOOKS. 

of  the  surrounding  scenery,  he  leaped  from  the  ground  in  his 
enthusiasm,  and  cracking  his  heels  twice  together  while  in 
the  air  ("  by  which  "  says  the  narrator,  with  much  naivete, 
"  my  grandfather  didn't  mean  anything,  it  was  just  a  way 
he'd  got "),  he  uttered  the  stirring  cry  of  "  Yip  ! — silanti  1 " 
from  which  memorable  circumstance  the  place  thereafter  took 
its  name.  Here  he  finally  settled,  and  marrying  afterward  a 
young  lady  whom  the  author  somewhat  obscurely  speaks  of 
as  "  one  of  'em,"  had  issue,  the  subject  of  this  narrative,  and 
finally  ended  his  career  of  usefulness,  by  falling  from  a  cart 
in  which  he  had  been  standing,  addressing  a  numerous  audi- 
ence, and  in  which  fall  he  unfortunately  broke  his  neck. 

Our  limits  will  not  permit  us  at  present  to  do  more  than 
glance  hastily  over  the  stirring  incidents  in  the  life  of  the 
elder  Bowers.  He  appears  *o  have  been  connected  in  some 
way  with  almost  every  prominent  event  of  the  times  in  which 
he  lived.  We  find  him  a  servant  and  afterwards  a  confiden- 
tial friend  and  adviser  of  Gen.  Cass ;  consulted  on  matters 
of  religion  by  Gen.  Jackson ;  an  admirer  of  one  of  Col.  Dick 
Johnson's  daughters  (by  the  way  it  was  Bowers  who  slew 
Tecumseh !),  an  ardent  admirer  and  intimate  friend  of  Mr. 
Tyler;  Gen.  Pillow's  military  adviser;  special  messenger 
from  Mr.  Polk  to  Santa  Anna ;  professional  adviser  of  Mr. 
Corwin  in  the  matter  of  the  Gardner  Claim ;  the  first  to 
nominate  Mr.  Pierce  for  the  Presidency,  and  after  his  arri- 
val in  California,  the  agent  of  Limantour ;  friend  and  Secre* 
lary  of  Pio  Pico ;  adviser  of  Walker ;  amanuensis  for  Peck ; 
owner  of  a  great  part  of  the  extended  Water  Front  of  San 


REVIEW  OF  NEW  BOOKS.  223 

Francisco,  and  a  partner  in  a  celebrated  Candy  Manufactory 
on  Long  Wharf,  with  a  Branch  in  Washington  street.  His 
literary  labors  and  success  have  been  great ;  few  of  your 
readers  but  have  seen  his  signature  (Anon.)  in  Newspapers, 
Magazines,,  the  New  Reader  and  First  Class  Books ;  he  has 
edited  several  of  our  City  papers,  and  we  add  it  in  a  whis- 
per, is 

The  author  of  Idealina. 

We  may  hereafter  revert  to  these  incidents  in  his  event- 
ful life ;  at  present,  as  we  before  remarked,  our  limits  forbid 
our  enlarging  upon  them,  as  we  wish  to  make  room  for  a  few 
extracts  from  the  work,  which,  exhibiting  the  great  man's 
manner  of  thought  and  expression,  will  do  more  toward  giv- 
ing our  readers  an  insight  into  his  character,  than  would 
pages  of  his  biography, — we  quote  from  p.  45,  vol.  1 : 

"  My  father  had  been  much  annoyed  by  reading  certain  let- 
ters from  New  York  to  the  Alta  California,  signed  '  W.'  The 
plagiarisms  and  egotistic  remarks  of  which  they  were  made  up 
disgusted  him.  They  remind  me,  he  said — expectorating  upon  the 
carpet,  a  habit  he  had  when  much  offended — of  the  back  of  a 
lady's  dress ;  they  are  all  hooks  and  I's.  I  ventured  to  ask  him, 
why  be  did  not  reply  to  them  ?  Sir,  said  he,  making  a  beautiful 
adaptation  that  I  have  never  heard  equalled,  '  Where  impudence 
is  wit,  His  folly  to  reply  /'" 

Comment  is  unnecessary  j  let  us  proceed,  p.  47,  vol.  1- 

"  On  arriving  at  Nevada,  we  unsaddled  and  turned  out  onr 
horses,  and  taking  our  saddles  and  blankets  beneath  our  arms,  re- 


224  REVIEW  OF  NEW  BOOKS- 

paired  to  the  Inn.  My  father  was  exceedingly  fatigued  by  th* 
journey,  and  hastened  to  throw  himself  into  the  first  chair  that 
offered.  As  he  did  so,  I  thoughtlessly  drew  the  chair  from  under 
him,  and  much  to  my  sorrow  and  chagrin  he  fell  with  great  vio 
lence  upon  the  floor.  The  shock  with  which  he  came  down  dis- 
composed him  not  a  little,  and  a  paper  of  pump  tacks  which  had 
fallen  from  the  table  and  scattered  over  the  floor  exactly  where 
he  was  seated,  materially  increased  his  uneasiness. 

"  I  shall  not  soon  forget  his  indignant  reproof.  l  Joseph,  my 
son,'  said  he,  '  never,  never  again  attempt  a  practical  joke ;  it  is 
a  false,  unfeeling,  traitorous  amusement.  Remember,  sir,'  said 
he,  as  he  painfully  rose,  and  reached  to  the  table  for  a  small  claw 
hammer  to  draw  the  tacks,  *  remember  the  fate  of  the  first  prac- 
tical joker  and  profit  thereby;'  I  ventured  humbly  to  ask  him 
who  this  was ;  '  Judas  Iscariot,'  he  replied  with  bitterness,  *  he 
sold  his  master,  and  you  know  well  what  came  of  it.'  I  was 
overpowered  with  remorse." 

This  is  very  affecting.     On  p.  49,  we  find  the  following  : 

"  We  were  much  disturbed  during  the  night  by  the  hoarse 
braying  of  a  donkey  in  the  stable-yard.  I  remarked  to  my  father 
that  he  (the  donkey)  was  suffering  with  a  bronchial  complaint ; 
and  on  his  inquiring  why,  replied,  that  he  had  an  ass-ma,  subse- 
quently explaining  the  intended  play  upon  the  word  asthma. 
Upon  comprehending  with  some  difficulty  my  meaning,  my  father 
immediately  rose,  and  taking  his  blanket,  in  indignant  silence 
left  the  room  and  the  house,  passing  the  night,  as  I  afterwards 
learned,  in  angry  meditation  beneath  a  tree  in  the  Plaza." 

Very  properly  we  think.  The  following  is  rather  amusing, 
p.  108,  vol.  1: 

"  After  his  second  interview  with  Senator  Peck,  I  endeavored 
fco  learn  from  my  father  the  result  of  his  proposal.  *  Peck  talks 


REVIEW  OF  NEW  BOOKS.  225 

&  great  deal,'  said  he,  '  but  it  is  very  difficult  to  tell  what  he  ia 
going  to  do ;  or  to  what  side  he  belongs.  In  fact  I  begin  to  be- 
lieve he  is  all  talk  and  no  cider! '  " 


Precisely  the  opinion  expressed  by  a  number  of  other* 
Turning  back  to  page  82,  vol.  1,  we  find  the  following: 

"  I  turned  to  my  father  and  asked  him  why  it  was  that  women 
were  so  frequently  robbed  by  pick-pockets,  in  public  carriages ; 
'they  must,'  I  observed,  'be  conscious  that  the  rogues  are  feeling 
about  them.'  ;Yes,'  he  replied,  'but  4 a  fellow  feeling  makes 
them  wondrous  kind.' '  I  was  struck  by  the  force  of  this  re- 
mark." 

Probably.  Thus  much  for  young  Joe.  On  taking  up  the 
second  volume,  we  find  it  mainly  filled  with  incidents  in  the 
life  of  the  elder  Bowers,  from  the  pen  of  the  lamented  J.  P. 
Squibob,  who,  it  appears,  during  his  life,  contemplated  getting 
up,  himself,  the  work  which  young  Bowers  has  completed. 
We  make  a  few  )xtracts  in  which  the  style  of  the  lamented 
S  will  be  readily  recognized. 

"l!N"o  iLan,' said  Bowers,  sententiously,  'should  indulge  in 
more  than  one  bad  habit  at  a  time.  If  I  am  a  drunkard,  it  is  no 
reason  why  I  should  ruin  my  character  by  gambling  or  licentious- 
ness ;  or,  if  I  love  the  ladies  inordinately,'  and  here  the  old  fel- 
low looked  indescribably  waggish,  'why  should  I  add  to  the 
enormity  by  indulging  also  in  cards  and  liquor  ?  No,'  added  he, 
4  one  bad  habit  is  enough  for  any  man  to  indulge  in.'  " 

" ;  And  why,  Mr.  Bowers,'  said  Jones,  '  have  you  given  up 
imoking  ? ' 

"4  Because  I  cliews?  replied  the  old  fellow,   with  a  quid 
chuckle, '  and  therein  I  carry  out  my  principle." 
15 


226  REVIEW    OF    NEW    BOOKS. 

"  Jones  pondered  a  minute,  but  he  couldn't '  see  it,'  and  shak- 
ing his  head  musingly,  he  slowly  dispersed." — p.  19. 

Mr.  Bowers  mentioned  to  me  as  deserving  the  commisera« 
tion  of  the  charitable  and  benevolent,  the  distressing  case  of 
a  journeyman  shoemaker  who  had  lost  his  little  awl. — p.  31, 
voi,  2. 

The  following  smacks,  to  us,  slightly  of  "  Jecms  : " 

44  It  was  on  a  lovely  morning  in  the  sweet  spring  time,  when 
4  two  horsemen  might  have  been  seen '  slowly  descending  one  of 
the  gentle  acclivities  that  environ  the  picturesque  village  of  San 
Diego.  It  was  a  bright  and  a  sunny  day,  and  the  shrubbery  and 
trees  around  were  alive  with  the  harmonious  warbling  of  the 
feathered  songsters  of  the  grove.  4  And  oh ! '  sighed  the  younger 
of  the  twain,  4  would  that  my  existence  might  be  like  that  of 
these  fair  birds — one  constant,  unwearying  dream  of  love.' 
4  Aye,'  responded  the  elder,  a  man  of  years  and  of  experience, 
known  to  the  readers  of  this  history  as  Joseph  Bowers  the  elder, 
4  Aye,  my  brave  youth,  they  are  indeed  a  happy  rac3,  and  the 
spring  is  to  them  their  happiest  season,  for  they  are  now  engaged 
in  pairing.' 

u'And  where,  my  father,' inquired  the  curious  youth,  4  do 
they  go  to  pair  ? ' 

"  4  Up  into  the  pear-trees,  probably]  rejoined  old  Joe,  with  a 
quaint  smile. 

41  The  son,  with  the  air  of  one  who  has  acquired  a  curious  and 
useful  piece  of  information,  rode  quietly  on,  and  the  silence  that 
ensued  was  unbroken,  but  by  his  asking  his  parent  for  the 
tobacco,  until  they  arrived  at  the  village." — p.  47. 

Young  Bowers  was  reading  to  the  author  of  his  existence, 
lome  passages  from  Lickspittle's  life  of  General  Pierce,  of 
whom  (the  general,  not  the  author)  old  Joe  is  a  great  admirer 


REVIEW  OF  NEW  BOOKS.  227 

On  arriving  at  that  affecting  anecdote  of  the  liberality  of  the 
General  in  bestowing  a  cent  upon  a  forlorn  boy  to  enable  him 
to  purchase  candy  like  his  playmates,  Bowers  commanded  his 
offspring  to  pause.  Young  Joe  reverently  obeyed. 

"  'The  General,'  said  Joseph  dogmatically,  '  should  never  have 
mentioned  that  circumstance,  never." 

"  '  And  why,  my  father? '  asked  his  son. 

"  l  Because,'  replied  the  philosopher,  4  Silence  gives  a  cent,  or 
I've  read  my  Bible  to  very  little  purpose.' 
•  "  And  acknowledging  the  application  of  Scripture  by  a  con- 
curring nod,  young  Joe  resumed  his  literary  labors,  and  his  father 
the  pipe,  which  he  had  withdrawn  for  the  enunciation  of  his 
sentiments." — p.  81,  vol.  2. 

With  the  following  exquisite  morgeau  from  the  pen  of  old 
Joe  Bowers  himself,  it  being  the  commencement  of  a  tale, 
which  concludes  the  book,  we  must  conclude  our  extracts. 

The  tale  is  entitled  "  The  Dun  Filly  of  Arkansas,  or 
Thereby  Hangs  a  Tail." 

"  Many  a  long  year  ago,  when  the  '  Child's  Own  Book'  was 
all  true — when  fairies  peopled  every  moonlit  glen,  and  animals 
enjoyed  the  power  of  conversation,  in  a  sequestered  dell,  beneath 
the  shadow  of  a  mighty  oak,  upon  a  carpet  of  the  springiest  and 
most  verdant  moss,  disported  a  noble  horse  of  Arabian  blood, 
and  his  snow-whits  bride,*  The  Lily  of  the  Prairie.' 

" 4  And  oh  I  my  noble  lover,'  said  the  Lily,  as  in  playful  ten- 
derness she  seized  and  shook  between  her  teeth,  a  lock  of  his  coal- 
black  mane,  '  may  I  indeed  believe  thy  vows  ?  Hast  thou  forgot- 
ten for  aye,  the  dun  filly  of  Arkansas  ?  And  wilt  thon  ever,  ever 
De  faithless  to  rne  again  ?' 

"  '  Nay,  dearest,'  he  replied. 

"  And  she  neighed." 


228  REVIEW   OF   NEW    BOOKS. 

From  these  extracts,  the  reader  will  get  an  idea  of  th€ 
nature  of  the  forthcoming  work,  which  we  trust  will  find  a 
place  on  their  centre-tables,  in  their  libraries  and  reading- 
rooms.  "We  subjoin  a  few  notices  from  the  southern  press, 
handed  us  by  Mr.  Bowers ;  the  marks  in  the  margin  of  each 
having  been  made  with  a  pencil,  probably  by  himself : 

"  The  most  elegant  book  of  the  season — with  greater  Attrac- 
tions for  the  eye  of  taste  and  the  enlightened  mind  than  any 
other." — Vallecitos  Sentinel.  $1,25,^. 

"  These  volumes  will  have  a  permanent  and  increasing  value, 
and  will  adorn  the  libraries  and  centre-tables  of  American  fami- 
lies as  long  as  American  literature  continues  to  be  read." — San 
Isabel  Vaquero.  $3  pd.for  two  insertions,  and  another  notice  for 
two  bottles  of  whiskey  " — J.  B. 

"  This  superb  and  elegant  affkir  is  the  book  of  the  season  un- 
questionably.— Penasquitas  Picaron.  4s.  two  drinks,  and  invited 
him  to  dinner" — /.  B. 

"  The  typography  of  these  volumes  is  all  that  could  be  de- 
sired. Nothing  superior  to  it  has  been  issued  from  the  American 
Press,  Bowers  will  be  among  American  classics,  what  Goldsmith 
is  among  those  of  Fatherland.  It  is  an  elegant  edition  of  tt « 
works  of  our  foremost  writer  in  the  belles  lettres  department  of 
literature." — Soledad  Filibuster.  $5,  drink,  st*^"  of  fish ,  and 
half-pig  when  I  bill. — J  B 


PHCENIX  AT  BENICIA. 

BENICIA,  Cal.,  10th  Juiia,l£65. 

I  OBSERVED  your  pathetic  inquiry  as  to  my  whereabouts.  I'm 
all  right,  sir.  I  have  been  vegetating  for  two  or  three  weeks 
in  this  sweet  (scented)  place,  enjoying  myself,  after  a  manner, 
in  "  a  tranquil  cot,  in  a  pleasant  spot,  with  a  distant  view  of 
tne  changing  sea."  Howbeit,  Benicia  is  not  a  Paradise.  In- 
deed, I  am  inclined  to  think  that  had  Adam  and  Eve  been 
originally  placed  here,  the  human  race  would  never  have  been 
propagated.  It  is  my  impression  that  the  heat,  and  the  wind, 
and  some  other  little  Benician  accidents,  would  have  been  too 
much  for  them.  It  would  have  puzzled  them,  moreover,  to 
disobey  their  instructions ;  for  there  is  no  Tree  of  Knowledge, 
or  any  other  kind  in  Benicia ;  but  if  they  had  managed  this, 
what,  in  the  absence  of  fig-leaves,  would  they  have  done  for 
clothing  ?  Maybe  tul6  would  have  answered  the  purpose—- 
there's plenty  of  that.  I  remarked  to  my  old  friend,  Miss 
Wiggins,  the  other  day,  in  a  conversation  on  Benicia,  its  ad- 
vantages and  its  drawbacks,  that  there  was  not  much  society 


230  PUCENIX   AT    BENICIA. 

here.  "  Wai,"  replied  the  old  lady,  "  thar's  two,  the  Meth 
odists  and  Mr.  Woodbridge's,  but  I  don't  belong  to  mither. 
"  I  don't  either,"  said  I,  and  the  conversation  terminated. 

I  hardly  know  what  to  write  to  you ;  I  remind  myself  of 
the  old  Methodist  Elder,  way  down  on  the  French  Broad,  in 
Tennessee,  who  was  unexpectedly  called  upon  to  address  a 
Camp-Meeting.  He  slowly  rose  and  ejaculated,  "  Brutherin," 
—here  an  idea  struck  him — "  Brutherin,"  said  he,  "  the  term 
Brutherin  arose  from  an  old  custom  of  the  Apostles,  who 
used  to  go  up  to  the  tabernacle  and  jreathe  therein!  Hence 
the  term,  Brutherin.  But  my  brutherin,"  he  went  on,  "  I'm 
not  a  going  to  take  my  text  from  any  particular  part  of 
the  Bible  to-night.  I'll  tell  you,"  said  he,  with  a  pleasant 
smile,  as  he  warmed  to  his  work,  "  I'll  tell  you  all  about 
old  brother  Paul — who  went  down  to  Corinth  and  got  into 
an  all-fired  scrapo — and  was  knocked  down — and  drug  out — 
and  left  thar  for  dead — all  of  which  is  written  by  Hellicar- 
nassus,  up  the  Archipelago — bless-ed  be  the  Lord ! "  Now, 
like  this  "  ancient  worthy,"  who  by  the  way  went  on  and 
made  a  very  effective  speech  of  it,  I'm  not  going  to  take  my 
text  from  any  thing  in  particular,  but  I  will  commence  this 
rambling  epistle  by  an  anecdote  of  "  old  Brother "  Tush- 
maker,  which  I  think  extremely  probable  has  never  yet  been 
published. 

Dr.  Tushmaker  was  never  regularly  bred  as  a  physician, 
Dr  surgeon,  but  he  possessed  naturally  a  strong  mechanical 
genius  and  a  fine  appetite;  and  finding  his  teeth  of  great  ser- 
vice in  gratifying  the  latter  propensity,  he  concluded  that  he 


FHCEXIX    AT   BENICIA.  231 

could  do  more  good  in  the  world  and  create  more  real  happi 
ness  therein  by  putting  the  teeth  of  its  inhabitants  in  gooa 
order,  than  in  any  other  way ;  so  Tushmaker  became  a  den- 
tist. He  was  the  man  that  first  invented  the  method  of 
placing  small  cog-wheels  in  the  back  teeth  for  the  more  per- 
fect mastication  of  food,  and  he  claimed  to  be  the  original 
discoverer  of  that  method  of  filling  cavities  with  a  kind  of 
putty,  which,  becoming  hard  directly,  causes,  the  tooth  to 
ache  so  grievously  that  it  has  to  be  pulled,  thereby  giving 
the  dentist  two  successive  fees  for  the  same  job.  Tushmaker 
was  one  day  seated  in  his  office,  in  the  city  of  Boston,  Mas- 
sachusetts, when  a  stout  old  fellow  named  Byles  presented  him- 
self to  have  a  back  tooth  drawn.  The  dentist  seated  his 
patient  in  the  chair  of  torture,  and  opening  his  mouth,  dis- 
covered there  an  enormous  tooth,  on  the  right-hand  side, 
about  as  large,  as  he  afterwards  expressed  it,  "  as  a  small 
Polyglot  Bible."  I  shall  have  trouble  with  this  tooth, 
thought  Tushmaker,  but  he  clapped  on  his  heaviest  forceps, 
and  pulled.  It  didn't  come.  Then  he  tried  the  turn-screw, 
exerting  his  utmost  strength,  but  the  tooth  wouldn't  stir. 
"  Gt  away  from  here,"  said  Tushmaker  to  Byles,  "  and  return 
in  a  week,  and  I'll  draw  that  tooth  for  you,  or  know  the  rea- 
son why."  Byles  got  up,  clapped  a  handkerchief  to  his  jaw, 
and  put  forth.  Then  the  dentist  went  to  work,  and  in  three 
days  he  invented  an  instrument  which  he  was  confident  would 
pull  any  thing.  It  was  a  combination  of  the  lever,  pulley, 
wheel  and  axle,  inclined  plane,  wedge  and  screw.  The  cast- 
mgs  were  made,  and  the  machine  put  up  in  the  oifice,  over  an 


232  FH(ENIX   AT   BENICIA. 

iron  chair,  rendered  perfectly  stationary  by  iron  rods  going 
down  into  the  foundations  of  the  granite  building.  In  a  week 
old  Byles  returned ;  he  was  clamped  into  the  iron  chair,  the 
forceps  connected  with  the  machine  attached  firmly  to  the 
tooth,  and  Tushmaker  stationing  himself  in  the  rear,  took 
hold  of  a  lever  four  feet  in  length.  He  turned  it  slightly 
Old  Byles  gave  a  groan,  and  lifted  his  right  leg.  Another 
turn ;  another  groan,  and  up  went  the  leg  again.  "  What  do 
you  raise  your  leg  for  ?"  asked  the  doctor.  "I  can't  help 
it,"  said  the  patient.  "  Well,"  rejoined  Tushmaker,  "  that 
tooth  is  bound  to  come  now.*'  He  turned  the  lever  clear 
round,  with  a  sudden  jerk,  and  snapped  old  Byles'  head  clean 
and  clear  from  his  shoulders,  leaving  a  space  of  four  inches 
between  the  severed  parts  !  They  had  a  post  mortem  exam- 
ination— the  roots  of  the  tooth  were  found  extending  down 
the  right  side,  through  the  right  leg,  and  turning  up  in  two 
prongs  under  the  sole  of  the  right  foot !  "  No  wonder,"  said 
Tushmaker,  "  he  raised  his  right  leg."  The  jury  thought  so 
too,  but  they  found  the  roots  much  decayed,  and  five  surgeons 
swearing  that  mortification  would  have  ensued  in  a  few 
months,  Tushmaker  was  cleared  on  a  verdict  of  "justifiable 
homicide."  He  was  a  little  shy  of  that  instrument  for  some 
time  afterward  ;  but  one  day  an  old  lady,  feeble  and  flaccid, 
came  in  to  have  a  tooth  drawn,  and  thinking  it  would  come 
3ut  very  easy,  Tushmaker  concluded,  just  by  way  of  variety, 
to  try  the  machine.  He  did  so,  and  at  the  first  turn  drew 
the  old  lady's  skeleton  completely  and  entirely  from  her  body 
eaving  her  a  mass  of  quivering  jelly  in  her  chair  !  Tush 


PHGENIX    AT   BENICIA.  233 

maker  took  her  home  in  a  pillow-case.  She  lived  seven  years 
after  that,  and  they  called  her  the  "  India-Rubber  Woman/ 
She  had  suffered  terribly  with  the  rheumatism,  but  after  this 
occurrence  never  had  a  pain  in  her  bones.  The  dentist  kept 
them  in  a  gliss  case.  After  this,  the  machine  was  sold  to  the 
contractor  of  the  Boston  Custom-Housc,  and  it  was  found 
that  a  child  of  three  years  of  age  could,  by  a  single  turn  of 
the  screw,  raise  a  stone  weighing  twenty-three  tons.  Smallei 
ones  were  made,  on  the  same  principle,  and  sold  to  the  keepers 
of  hotels  and  restaurants.  They  were  used  for  boning  tur- 
keys. There  is  no  moral  to  this  story  whatever,  and  it  is 
possible  that  the  circumstances  may  have  become  slightly 
exaggerated.  Of  course,  there  can  be  no  doubt  of  the  truth 
of  the  main  incidents. 

The  following  maritime  anecdote  was  related  to  me  by  a 
small  man  in  a  pea-jacket  and  sou'-wester  hat,  who  had  salt 
standing  in  crusts  all  over  his  face.  When  I  asked  him  if  it 
were  true,  he  replied,  "  The  jib-sheet's  a  rope,  and  the  helm's 
a  tiller."  I  guess  it's  all  right. 

Many  years  ago,  on  a  stormy  and  inclement  evening,  "  in 
the  bleak  December,"  old  Miss  Tarbox,  accompanied  by  her 
niece,  Mary  Ann  Stackpole,  sailed  from  Holmes's  Hole  to 
Cotuit,  in  the  topsail  schooner  Two  Susans,  Captain  Black- 
ler.  "  The  rains  descended,  and  the  floods  came,  and  the 
winds  blew  and  beat  upon  "  that  schooner,  and  great  was  the 
tossing  and  pitching  thereof;  while  Captain  Blackler,  and  his 
hardy  crew,  "  kept  her  to  it,"  and  old  Miss  Tarbox  and  her 
niece  rolled  about  in  their  uncomfortable  bunks,  wishing 


234  PHCENIX   AT   BENICIA. 

themselves  back  in  Holines's  Hole,  or  any  other  hole,  on  the 
dry  land.  The  shouts  of  Captain  Bladder  as  he  trod  the 
deck,  conveying  orders  for  "  tacking  ship,"  were  distinctly 
audible  to  the  afflicted  females  below ;  and  "  Oh  ! "  groaned 
old  Miss  Tarbox,  during  a  tranquil  interval  of  her  internal 
economy,  as  for  the  fifteenth  time  the  schooner  "  went  in 
stays,"  "  what  a  drefful  time  them  pore  creeturs  of  sailors  is 
a  having  on't.  Just  listen  to  Jim  Blackler,  Mary  Ann,  and 
hear  how  he  is  ordering  about  that  pore  fellow,  Hardy  Lee. 
I've  heerd  that  creetur  hollered  for  twenty  times  this  blessed 
night,  if  I  have  onst."  "  Yes,"  replied  the  wretched  Mary 
Ann,  as  she  gave  a  fearful  retch  to  starboard,  "  but  he  ain't 
no  worse  off  than  poor  Taupsle  Hall — he  seems  to  ketch  it 
as  bad  as  Hardy."  "  I  wonder  who  they  be,"  mused  old  Miss 
Tarbox ;  "  I  knowed  a  Miss  Hall,  that  lived  at  Seekonk  Pint 
oncet — mebbe  it's  her  son."  A  tremendous  sea  taking  the 
"  Two  Susans  "  on  her  quarter  at  this  instant,  £ut  a  stop  to 
fche  old  lady's  cogitations ;  but  they  had  an  awful  night  of 
it — and  still  above  the  roaring  of  the  wind,  the  whistling  and 
clashing  of  the  shrouds,  the  dash  of  the  sea,  and  the  tramp 
of  the  sailors,  was  heard  the  voice  of  stout  Captain  Blackler, 
as  ho  shouted,  "  Stations  !  Hard  a  lee !  Top'sle  haul !  Let 
go  and  haul," — and  the  "  Two  Susans  "  went  about.  And, 
as  old  Miss  Tarboz  remarked  years  afterward,  when  she  and 
Mary  Ann  had  discovered  their  mistake,  and  laughed  thereat, 
"Anybody  that's  never  been  to  sea,  won't  see  no  pint  to  this 
story." 

Circumstances  over  which  I  have  no  control,  will   soon 


PHCEN1X   AT   BENICIA.  285 

call  me  to  a  residence  in  Washington  Territory,  a  beautiful 
and  fertile  field  of  usefulness,  named  for  the  "  Father  of  his 
Country,"  who,  I  am  led  to  understand,  was  "  first  in  peace, 
first  in  war,  and  first  in  the  hearts  of  his  countrymen."  As 
the  Kentuckian  remarked,  "  I  may  be  heered  on  again,  but  1 
stand  about  as  much  chance  as  a  bar  going  to  —  the  in- 
fernal regions  (not  to  put  too  fine  a  point  on  it)  without  any 
claws."  Before  I  go,  however,  I  will  endeavor  to  give  you 
a  little  history  of  the  rise,  progress  and  decline  of  "  My  San 
Diego  Lawsuit"  which  I  think  you  and  your  readers  will 
find  curious,  if  not  amusing.  Adieu. 

P.  S. — You  think  this  a  stupid  letter,  perhaps  ?  Think 
of  my  surroundings,  young  man  !  'Tis  not  often  you  get  a 
good  thing  out  of  Nazareth.  Oh,  Benicia,  Benicia,  "  don't 
you  cry  for  mo,"  for  I  positively  assure  you,  the  feeling  will 
not  be  rrnpt-ocated. 


LECTURES  ON  ASTRONOMV 

CORRESPONDENCE. 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  Oc*.  l 
To  PROFESSOR  JOHN  PUCENIX,  ESQ.,  San  Diego  Observatory. 

Dear  Sir : — Perceiving  by  perusal  of  your  interesting  article 
nomy,  that  you  have  an  organ  which  it  is  presumed  you  would  like  to  dis- 
pose of,  I  am  instructed  by  the  vestry  of  the  meeting-house  on street, 

to  enter  into  a  negotiation  with  you  for  its  purchase.  Please  state  by  re- 
turn of  mail  whether  or  no  the  organ  is  for  sale  ;  if  so,  the  price,  and  il 
it  is  in  good  repair,  and  plays  serious  tunes. 

Very  truly  yours, 

A.  SLEEK  STIGGINS, 
Ruling  Elder  and  Agent  for  the  sale  of  Stigcrins'  Elder  Blow  Tea. 

PROF.  PHCGNIX  has  the  honor  to  acknowledge  the  receip*. 
of  Mr.  Stiggins'  polite  communication,  and  regrets  to  in- 
form him  that  the  organ  alluded  to  has  been  disposed  of  to  a 
member  of  the  Turn-verein  Association.  Owing  to  some 
"fatuity  or  crookedness  of  mind"  on  the  part  of  the  manu 
facturer,  the  organ  never  could  be  made  to  play  but  one 


LECTURES  ON  ASTRONOMY.  237 

tune,  "  The  Low  Backed  Car,"  which  Prof.  Phoenix  con- 
eiders  a  most  sad  and  plaintive  melody,  calculated  to  fill 
the  mind  with  serious  and  melancholy  emotions.  Prof.  P. 
takes  occasion  to  inform  Mr.  S.,  that  he  has  a  bass  trombone 
in  his  possession,  which,  with  a  double  convex  lens  fitted  in 
the  mouth-piece,  he  has  used  in  his  observations  on  the  stars. 
This  instrument  will  be  for  sale  at  the  conclusion  of  this 
course  of  lectures,  and  if  adapted  to  Mr.  Stiggins'  purpose, 
is  very  much  at  his  service. 


LECTURES  ON  ASTRONOMY— PART  II. 


MARS. 

This  planet  may  be  easily  recognized  by  its  bright,  ruddy 
appearance,  and  its  steady  light.  It  resembles  in  size  and 
color  the  stars  Arcturus,  in  Bootes,  and  Antares,  in  Scorpio ; 
but,  as  it  is  not  like  them,  continually  winking,  we  may  con- 
sider it,  in  some  respects,  a  body  of  superior  gravity.  Our 
readers  will  be  pleased  to  learn  that  Mars  is  an  oblate 
spheroid,  with  a  diameter  of  4,222  miles.  It  is  seven  times 
smaller  than  the  Earth ;  its  day  is  forty-four  minutes  longer 
than  ours,  and  its  year  is  equal  to  twenty-two  and  a  half  Oif 
our  months.  It  receives  from  the  sun  only  one  half  as  much 
light  and  heat  as  the  Earth,  and  has  no  moon ;  which,  in 
gome  respects,  may  be  considered  a  blessing,  as  the  poets  of 
Mars  cannot  be  eternally  writing  sonnets  on  that  subject. 


238  LECTURES  ON  ASTRONOMY. 

Mars  takes  its  name  from  the  God  of  War,  who  was  con 
sidered  the  patron  of  soldiers,  usually  termed  sons  of  Mars, 
though  it  was  well  remarked  by  some  philosopher,  that  they 
are  generally  sons  of  pa's  also.  Macauley,  however,  in  his 
severe  review  of  "  Hanson's  Life  of  the  Rev  Eleazer  Wil- 
liams," remarks  with  great  originality,  that  "  It  is  a  wise 
child  that  knows  its  own  father." 

Mars  is  also  the  tutelary  divinity  of  Fillibusters,  and  we 
are  informed  by  several  of  the  late  troops  of  the  late  Presi- 
dent William  Walker,  that  this  planet  was  of  great  use  in 
guiding  that  potentate  during  his  late  nocturnal  rambles 
through  the  late  Republic  of  Sonora.  The  ruddy  appearance 
of  Mars  is  not  attributed  to  his  former  bad  habits,  but  to  the 
great  height  of  his  atmosphere,  which  must  be  very  favorable 
to  the  aeronauts  of  that  region,  where,  doubtless,  ballooning 
is  the  principal  method  of  locomotion.  Upon  the  whole, 
Mars  is  but  a  cold  and  ill-conditioned  planet,  and  if,  as 
some  persons  believe,  the  souls  of  deceased  soldiers  are  sent 
thither,  there  can  be  little  inducement  to  die  in  service,  un- 
less, indeed,  larger  supplies  of  commissary  whiskey  and  to- 
bacco are  to  be  found  there  than  the  present  telescopic  ob- 
servations would  lead  us  to  believe. 

JUPITER. 

This  magnificent  planet  is  the  largest  body,  excepting 
the  Sun,  in  the  Solar  System.  "  It  may  be  readily  dis- 
tinguished from  the  fixed  stars  by  its  peculiar  splendor  and 
magnitude,  appearing  to  the  unclothed  eye.  almost  as  re- 


LECTURES  ON  ASTRONOMY.  239 

splendent  as  Venus,  although  it  is  more  than  seven  times 
her  distance  from  the  Sun."  Its  day  is  but  nine  hours,  fifty- 
five  minutes  and  fifty  seconds ;  but  it  has  rather  a  lengthy 
year,  equivalent  to  nearly  twelve  years  of  our  time.  It  is 
about  thirteen  hundred  times  larger  than  the  Earth. 

In  consequence  of  the  rapid  movement  of  Jupiter  upon 
his  axis,  his  form  is  that  of  an  oblate  spheroid,  very  consider- 
ably flattened  at  its  poles,  and  the  immense  centrifugal 
force  resulting  from  this  movement  (26,554  miles  per  hour), 
would,  undoubtedly,  have  long  since  caused  him  to  fly 
asunder,  were  it  not  for  a  wise  provision  of  nature,  which 
has  caused  enormous  belts  or  hoops,  to  encircle  his  entire 
surface. 

These  hoops,  usually  termed  belts,  are  plainly  visible 
through  the  telescope.  They  are  eight  in  number,  and  are 
supposed  to  be  made  of  gutta  percha,  with  an  outer  edge  of 
No.  1  boiler  iron.  Owing  to  the  great  distance  of  Jupiter 
from  the  Sun,  he  receives  but  one  twenty-seventh  part  of  the 
light  and  heat  that  we  do  from  that  body.  To  preserve  the 
great  balance  of  Nature,  it  is  therefore  probable,  that  the 
whales  of  Jupiter  are  twenty-seven  times  larger  than  ours, 
and  that  twenty-seven  times  as  much  cord-wood  is  cut  on 
that  planet  as  on  the  Earth. 

The  axis  of  Jupiter  is  perpendicular  to  the  plane  of  ita 
orbit ;  hence  its  climate  has  no  variation  of  seasons  in  tho 
game  latitude.  It  has  four  moons,  three  of  which  may  ba 
readily  discerned  with  an  ordinary  spy-glass.  By  observa- 
tion on  the  eclipses  of  these  satellites,  the  velocity  of  light 


240  LECTURES  ON  ASTRONOMY. 

has  been  measured,  and  we  find  that  light  is  precisely  eight 
minutes  and  thirteen  seconds  in  coming  to  us  from  the  Sun. 
According  to  the  poet,  "  the  light  of  other  days  "  has  a  con- 
siderably slow  motion.  Jupiter,  in  the  Heathen  Mythology, 
was  the  King  of  the  Gods.  As  there  can  be  no  doubt  that, 
with  the  progress  of  time,  advancement  in  liberal  ideas,  and 
a  knowledge  of  the  immortal  principles  of  democracy,  has 
obtained  among  these  divinities,  it  is  probable  that  he  has 
long  since  been  deposed,  and  his  kingdom  converted  into  a 
republic,  over  whose  destinies,  according  to  the  well-known 
principles  of  availability,  some  one-eyed  Cyclops,  unknown 
to  fame,  has  probably  been  elected  to  preside.  His  repre- 
sentative will,  however,  always  remain  King  of  the  Planets, 
while  such  things  as  kings  exist ;  after  which  he  will  become 
their  undisputed  president.  Jupiter  is  the  patron  of  Mon- 
archs,  Presidents  and  Senators.  It  is  doubtful,  however 
whether  he  pays  much  attention  to  State  Senators,  or  even 
continues  his  patronage  to  him  of  the  Congressional  body 
who  fails  to  be  re-elected,  although  bent  on  being  notorious, 
he  may  continue  to  vociferate  that  he  "  knows  a  hawk  from 
a  hand-saw,"  and  was  "not  educated  at  "West  Pint." 


Whoever,  during  the  present  year,  has  had  his  attention 
attracted  by  that  beautiful  group,  the  Pleiades,  or  Seven 
Stars,  may  have  noticed  near  them,  in  the  constellation 
Taurus,  a  star  apparently  of  the  first  magnitude,  shining  with 
a  peculiarly  white  light,  and  beaming  down  with  a  gentle, 


LECTURES  ON  ASTRONOMY  241 

steady  radiance  upon  the  Earth.  This  is  the  beautiful  planet 
Saturn,  which,  moving  slowly  at  the  rate  of  two  minutes  daily 
among  the  stars,  may  be  readily  traced  from  one  constellation 
to  another.  Saturn  is  nearly  nine  hundred  millions  of  miles 
from  the  Sun.  His  volume  is  eleven  hundred  times  that  of 
the  Earth  •  and  while  his  year  is  equivalent  to  twenty-nine 
and  a  half  of  ours,  his  day  is  shorter  by  more  than  one-half. 
Receiving  but  one-nineteenth  part  of  the  light  from  the  Sun 
that  we  do,  it  follows  that  the  inhabitants  of  Saturn  are  not 
equally  enlightened  with  us ;  and  supposing  them  to  be  phys- 
ically constituted  as  we  are,  stoves  and  cooking  ranges  un- 
doubtedly go  off  at  a  ready  sale  and  pretty  high  figure  among 
them.  Saturn  differs  from  all  the  other  planets,  in  being 
urrounded  by  three  rings,  consecutive  to  each  other,  which 
shine  by  reflection  from  the  Sun,  with  superior  brilliancy  to 
the  planet  itself.  It  is  also  attended  by  eight  satellites. 
Many  theories  have  been  started  to  account  for  the  rings  of 
Saturn,  but  none  of  them  are  satisfactory.  Our  own  opinion 
is  that  this  planet  was  originally  diversified,  like  the  Earth, 
with  continents  of  land  and  vast  oceans  of  water.  By  the 
rapid  motion  of  the  planet  upon  its  axis,  the  oceans  were  col- 
lected near  the  equatorial  regions,  whence  by  the  immense 
centrifugal  force,  they  were  subsequently  thrown  clear  from 
the  surface,  and  remained  revolving  about  the  denser  body, 
at  that  distance  where  the  centrifugal  force  and  the  attraction 
of  gravitation,  from  the  other  planets,  were  in  equilibrio. 

The  ships  floating  on  the  surface  of  the  waters  at  the  time 
of  this  great  convulsion,  of  course,  went  with  them,  and  it  is 
16 


242  LECTURES  ON  ASTRONOMY 

a  most  painful  reflection  to  the  humane  mind,  that  their  crews 
have  undoubtedly  long  since  perished,  after  maintaining  for 
a  while  their  miserably  isolated  existence  on  a  precarious 
supply  of  fish. 

It  is  a  curious  and  interesting  fact,  much  dwelt  on  in 
popular  treatises  on  Astronomy,  that  were  a  cannon  ball  fired 
from  the  Earth  to  Saturn,  it  would  be  one  hundred  and 
eighty  years  in  getting  there.  The  only  useful  deduction 
that  we  are  able  to  make  from  this  fact,  however,  is,  that  the 
inhabitants  of  Saturn,  if  warned  of  their  danger  by  the  sight 
of  the  flash  or  the  sound  of  the  explosion,  would  have  ample 
opportunity  in  the  course  of  the  one  hundred  and  eighty  years, 
to  dodge  the  shot ! 

Saturn  was  the  father  of  all  the  Heathen  Divinities,  and 
we  regret  to  say,  was  a  most  disreputable  character.  It  will 
hardly  be  credited  that  he  had  a  revolting  habit  of  devouring 
his  children  shortly  after  their  birth,  and  it  was  only  by  a 
pious  deception  of  his  wife,  who  furnished  him  with  dogs, 
sheep,  buffalo,  and  the  like,  on  these  occasions,  with  assur- 
ances that  they  were  his  offspring,  that  Jupiter  and  his 
brothers  were  preserved  from  their  impending  fate.  A  per- 
son of  such  a  disposition  could  never  be  tolerated  in  a  civi- 
lized community,  and  there  is  little  doubt  that  if  Saturn  were 
a  resident  of  the  Earth  at  the  present  time,  and  should  per- 
sist in  his  unpleasant  practices,  he  would  speedily  be  arrestej 
and  held  to  bail  in  a  large  amount. 


LECTURES  ON  ASTRONOMY.  243 


We  know  little  of  this  planet,  except  that  with  its  six 
moons,  it  was  discovered  by  Dr.  Herschel,  a  native  of  tho 
island  of  England  (situated  on  the  north-west  coast  of 
Europe),  in  1781.  It  was  named  by  him  the  "  Georgium 
Sidus,"  as  a  tribute  of  respect  to  a  miserable,  blind,  old 
lunatic,  who  at  that  time  happened  to  be  king  of  the  Island. 
Overlooking  the  sycophancy  of  the  man,  in  their  admiration 
for  the  services  of  the  Astronomer,  his  philosophical  contem- 
poraries re-named  the  planet,  Herschel,  by  which  title  it  is 
still  known.  An  attempt  made  by  the  courtiers  of  the  Eng- 
lish king  to  call  it  Uranus  (a  Latin  expression,  meaning 
"  You  reign  over  us"),  happily  failed  to  succeed.  Herschel 
is  supposed  to  be  about  eighty  times  larger  than  the  Earth, 
and  to  have  a  period  of  revolution  of  about  eighty-four  years, 
but  its  diurnal  motion  has  not  yet  been  discovered. 


Was  discovered  by  a  French  gentleman,  named  Le  Ver- 
rier,  in  1846.  It  is  supposed  to  be  about  forty  thousand  miles 
in  diameter,  and  to  have  a  period  of  one  hundred  and  sixty 
four  years.  But  of  this  planet,  and  another  still  more  re 
mote  from  the  Sun,  lately  discovered  (to  which  the  literati 
and  savans  of  Europe  propose  to  give  the  name  of  Squibob, 
a  Hebrew  word  signifying,  "  There  you  go  with  your  eyt 
out  "),  we  know  little  from  actual  observation.  That  they 
exist,  there  can  be  no  doubt,  and  it  is  possible,  to  use  the  ex 


244  LECTURES  ON  ASTRONOMY. 

pressive  language  of  a  modern  philosopher  "  There  are  a  few 
more  of  the  same  sort  left  "  beyond  them. 

Neptune  is  the  God  of  the  Sea,  an  unpleasant  element, 
full  of  disagreeable  fish,  horrible  sea-lions,  and  equivocal  ser- 
pents, the  reflection  on  which,  or  some  other  reasons,  gener- 
ally makes  every  one  sick  who  ventures  upon  it.  He  mar- 
ried a  Miss  Amphitrite,  who,  unlike  sailors'  wives  in  general, 
usually  accompanies  her  husband  on  all  his  voyages.  Nep- 
tune is  the  tutelar  deity  of  seamen,  who  generally  allude  to 
him  as  "  Davy  Jones,"  and  speak  of  the  ocean  as  his  "  lock- 
er "  (a  locker  indeed,  in  which  untold  thousands  of  their 
worn-out  bones  are  bleaching),  and  on  crossing  the  Equinoc- 
tial line,  it  was  formerly  the  custom  among  them  to  perform 
certain  rites  in  his  honor,  which  pagan  ceremonial  has  gradu- 
ally passed  out  of  date. 

THE   ASTEROIDS. 

These  are  ten  small  planets,  revolving  about  the  Sun  in 
different  orbits,  situated  between  those  of  Mars  and  Jupiter. 
They  can  seldom  be  seen  without  a  powerful  telescope ;  and 
are  of  no  great  importance  when  you  see  them.  Our  friend, 
Dr.  Olbers,  who  paid  much  attention  to  these  little  bodies,  is 
of  the  opinion  that  they  are  fragments  of  a  large  celestial 
sphere,  which  formerly  revolved  between  Mars  and  Jupiter, 
and  which,  by  some  mighty  internal  convulsion,  burst  intc 
pieces,  With  this  opinion  we  coincide.  What  caused  the 
explosion,  how  many  lives  were  lost,  and  whether  blame 
could  be  attached  to  any  one  on  account  of  it,  are  circum« 


LECTURES  ON  ASTRONOMY.  245 

stances  that  we  shall  probably  remain  in  as  profound  igno- 
rance of  as  the  unfortunate  inhabitants  of  the  planet  found 
themselves  after  the  occurrence.  "What  purpose  the  Aster- 
oids  now  serve  in  the  great  economy  of  the  Universe,  it  is 
impossible  to  ascertain ;  it  may  be  that  they  are  reserved  a* 
receptacles  for  the  departed  souls  of  ruined  merchants  and 
broken  brokers.  As  the  Spaniard  profoundly  remarks, 
"  QuienSabe?" 

CHAPTER  II. 
OF   THE   FIXED   STARS, 

For  convenience  of  description,  Astronomers  have  di- 
vided the  entire  surface  of  the  Heavens  into  numerous  small 
tracts,  called  constellations,  to  which  have  been  given  names, 
resulting  from  some  real  or  fancied  resemblance  in  the  ar- 
rangement of  the  stars  composing  them,  to  the  objects  in- 
dicated. This  resemblance  is  seldom  very  striking,  but 
nomenclature  is  arbitrary,  and  it  is  perhaps  quite  as  well  to 
call  a  collection  of  stars  that  don't  look  at  all  like  a  scorpion, 
"  The  Scorpion,"  as  to  name  an  insignificant  village,  with 
two  or  three  hundred  inhabitants,  a  tavern,  no  church,  and 
twenty-seven  grog  shops,  Rome,  or  Carthage.  We  once 
knew  a  couple  of  honest  people,  who  named  their  eldest 
child  (a  singularly  pug-nosed  little  girl),  MADONNA,  Ma- 
donna Smith — and  that  infant  grew  up  and  did  well,  and 
was  lately  married  to  a  highly  respectable  young  butcher. 

A  zone  16°  in  breadth,  extending  quite  around  flie 
Heavens,  8°  on  each  side  of  the  Ecliptic,  is  called  Zodiac, 


246  LECTURES  ON  ASTRONOMY. 

This  zone  is  divided  into  twelve  equal  parts  or  constella 
fcions,  which  are  sometimes  called  the  Signs  of  the  Zodiac.  Th« 
following  are  the  names  of  these  constellations,  in  their  regu- 
lar order,  and  the  number  of  visible  stars  contained  in  each 


1.  Aries    .        .  .     The  Hydraulic,  Ram,  .                       .               .68 

8.  Taurus     .  .        The  Irish  Bull, ....                       .141 

8.  Gemini       ,  .     The  Siamese  Twins     ...                       .    85 

4.  Cancer     .  .        The  Soft  Shelled  Crab,      .       .                               83 

6.  Leo      .       .       .     The  Dandy  Lion,  95 

6.  Virgo       .       .        The  Virago, 110 

7.  Libra   .        .  .     The  Hay  Scales    ......            51 

8.  Scorpio     .  .        The  N.  Y.  Herald     ,.'...       44 

9.  Sagittarius   .        .     The  Sparrow, 69 

10.  Capricornns      .        The  Bishop, 51 

11.  Aquarius      .       .     The  Decanter, 103 

12.  Pisces       .       .        The  Sardines, 73 


To  discover  the  position  of  these  several  constellations 
it  is  merely  nesessary  to  have  a  starting  point.  On  looking 
at  the  Heavens  during  the  month  of  April,  and  considering 
the  stars  therein  intently,  the  observer  will  at  length  find 
six  bright  stars  arranged  exactly  in  the  form  of  a  sickle. 
A  very  bright  star  is  at  the  extremity  of  the  handle.  This 
is  the  star  Regulus  in  the  constellation  Loo.  Then  some 
30°  further  to  the  east,  he  will  observe  a  very  brilliant 
Btar,  with  no  visible  stars  near  it.  This  is  Spica  in  the 
Virgin. 

Still  further  east,  rises  Libra,  distinguished  by  two  rathei 
bright  stars  forming  a  parallelogram,  with  two  rather  dim 
ones,  followed  by  Scorpio,  whose  stars  resemble  in  their  ar- 
rangement a  kite,  with  a  tail  to  it,  and  in  which  a  brilliant 
red  star,  named  Antares,  forms  the  centre.  Then  Sagit- 


LECTURES  ON  ASTRONOMY.  247 

tarius  and  Capricornus  separately  span  30°;  wlien  rises 
Aquarius,  in  which  the  most  careless  observer  will  notice 
four  stars,  forming  very  plainly,  the  letter  Y.  Pisces,  a 
loose  straggling  succession  of  stars,  intervenes  between  this 
sign  and  that  of  Aries,  which  may  be  distinguished  by  two 
bright  stars,  about  4°  apart,  the  brightest,  to  the  N.  E.  of 
the  other.  Taurus  cannot  be  mistaken — it  contains  two  re- 
markable clusters,  the  Pleiades  and  the  Hyades ;  the  latter 
forming  a  well-marked  letter  V.  with  the  bright  red  star 
Aldebaran  at  the  upper  left-hand  corner.  Gemini  contains 
two  remarkably  bright  stars,  Castor  and  Pollux  ; — the  for- 
mer much  the  most  brilliant  and  the  more  northerly  of  the 
pair;  they  are  but  5°  apart.  Then  follows  30°  including 
Cancer,  which  contains  no  remarkably  brilliant  stars,  and  we 
return  to  our  starting  point.  In  the  month  of  September, 
we  would  select  as  a  starting  point  the  star  Antares,  giving 
us  the  position  of  the  Scorpion.  Antares  is  of  a  remarkably 
rod  appearance,  situated  between,  and  equi-distant  from,  two 
other  less  brilliant  stars  with  which  it  forms  a  curved  line, 
which,  extended  by  other  stars,  curve  around  at  its  ex- 
tremity like  the  tail  of  a  flying  kite,  or  if  you  please,  like 
the  tail  of  a  scorpion. 

The  fixed  stars  are  classed  according  to  their  magnitude, 
first,  second,  third,  fourth,  fifth,  etc. ;  the  stars  of  the  fifth 
magnitude  being  the  smallest  that  can  be  seen  by  the  un- 
assisted eye.  It  is  by  no  means  our  intention,  in  this  course 
of  lectures,  to  convey  a  complete,  and  thorough  knowledge 
2-f  Uranography  (we  assure  you,  madam,  that  this  word  is 


248  LECTURES  ON  ASTRONOMY. 

in  the  Dictionary) ;  however  great  our  ability  or  inclination, 
the  limits  prescribed  us  will  not  permit  of  it  we  shall,  there- 
fore, confine  ourselves  to  a  brief  description  of  the  principal 
constellations,  trusting  that  the  interest  awakened  in  the 
minds  of  our  numerous  readers  on  the  subject,  by  our  re- 
marks, may  lead  them  to  make  it  a  study  hereafter.  For 
this  purpose  we  would  recommend  as  a  suitable  preparation 
a  light  course  of  reading,  such,  for  instance,  as  "  Church's 
Deferential  and  Integral  Calculus,"  to  be  followed  by 
"  Bartlett's  Optics,*'  and  Gummer's  Elements  of  Astro- 
nomy." After  this,  by  close  and  unremitting  study  of  La 
Place,  and  other  eminent  writers,  for  twenty  or  thirty  years, 
the  reader,  if  of  good  natural  ability,  may  acquire  a  super- 
ficial knowledge  of  the  science. 

"  The  Great  Bear  "  (which  is  spelled — Bear — and  has 
no  reference  whatever  to  Powers'  Greek  Slave)  is  one  of  the 
most  remarkable  constellations  in  the  Heavens.  We  cannot 
imagine  why  it  received  its  name,  unless  indeed,  because  it 
has  not  the  slightest  resemblance  to  a  great  Bear,  or  any 
other  animal.  It  may  be  distinguished  by  means  of  a  clus- 
ter of  seven  brilliant  stars,  arranged  in  the  form  of  a  dipper 
(not  a  duck,  but  a  tin  dipper).  Of  these,  the  two,  forming 
the  side  of  the  dipper,  furthest  from  the  handle,  are  named^ 
the  lower  ITerak,  the  upper  Dubhe,  and  are  called  the 
Pointers^  from  the  fact,  that  in  whatever  position  the  con- 
stellation is  observed,  a  line  passing  through  these  two  stars 
and  continued  in  the  direction  of  DulJie  for  28°  passes 
through  Cynosure  the  North  or  pole  star.  To  this  ro. 


LECTURES  ON  ASTRONOMY.  249 

mark  able  star — it  was  discovered  some  years  since —  a  mag- 
netic needle  will  constantly  point,  a  discovery  which  has 
done  more  for  commerce,  made  more  sailors  and  caused 
more  fatigue  to  the  legs  of  the  author,  than  any  other  under 
heaven,  Colt's  pistols  not  excepted.  It  must  not  be  under- 
stood that  the  needle  points  to  the  pole  star,  because  the 
star  possesses  any  particular  attraction  for  it.  Currents  of 
electricity  passing  constantly  from  W.  to  E.  about  the  eartL, 
cause  the  needle  to  point  N.  and  S.,  and  it  is  merely  in  con- 
sequence of  the  star  Cynosura  lying  exactly  in  the  N.,  that 
it  appears  directed  toward  it.  Immediately  opposite  to  the 
Great  Bear,  beyond  Cynosura,  we  observe  the  constellation 
Cassiopeia,  which,  instead  of  representing  as  it  should,  a  re- 
spectable looking  old  woman  sitting  on  a  throne,  takes  the 
appearance  of  a  chair,  which,  constantly  revolving  about  the 
North  star,  is  thrown  into  as  many  different  positions  as  the 
chair  used  by  the  celebrated  "  India-rubber  man,"  in  his 
wonderful  feats  of  dexterity. 

Near  Cassiopeia,  but  further  to  the  E.,  we  find  Andro- 
meda, which  constellation,  representing  a  young  lady,  chained 
to  a  rock,  without  a  particle  of  clothing,  we  shall  not  attempt 
to  point  out  more  definitely.  Perseus,  near  Andromeda, 
holds  in  his  hand  the  head  of  Medusa,  a  glance  from  whose 
eyes  turned  the  gazer  into  stone,  which  accounts  for  the  ori- 
gin of  the  Stones,  a  numerous  and  highly  respectable  family 
in  the  United  States.  If  we  prolong  the  handle  of  the  dip- 
per some  25°,  we  observe  a  brilliant  star  of  the  first  magni- 
tude, of  a  ruddy  appearance,  called  Arcturus ;  which  many 


250  LECTURES  ON  ASTRONOMY 

years  since,  a  person  named  Job,  was  asked  if  he  could  guide 
ind  he  acknowledged  he  couldn't  do  it.  The  star  is  in  the 
knee  of  the  Bootes  (which  is  pronounced  Bootees ;  he  was 
the  inventor  and  wearer  of  those  articles),  who,  with  two 
greyhounds,  Asterion  and  Chara,  is  apparently  driving  the 
Bear  forever  around  the  pole.  A  beautiful  star  30°  E.  of 
A  returns,  named  Lyra,  distinguished  by  two  small  stars  with 
which  it  makes  an  equilateral  triangle,  points  out  the  position 
of  the  Harp ;  immediately  beneath  which  is  seen  the  Swan, 
distinguished  by  five  stars  forming  a  large  and  regular  cross, 
the  foot  of  which  being  turned  up,  prevents  its  being  noticed, 
unless  closely  examined.  The  bright  star  in  the  head  of  the 
cross  is  Deneb  Cygni.  Twenty  degrees  S.  E.  of  Lyra,  we 
observe  the  brilliant  star  Altair  in  the  Eagle,  equidistant 
from  two  other  small  stars,  making  with  it  a  slight  curve. 

The  beautiful  constellation  Orion  (which  takes  its  name 
from  the  founder  of  the  celebrated  Irish  family  of  O'Ryan) 
may  be  easily  distinguished  by  its  belt,  three  bright  stars, 
forming  a  right  line  about  3°  in  length ;  with  three  smaller 
stars  immediately  below  (forming  an  angle  with  it),  which 
distinguish  the  handle  of  the  sword.  The  brilliant  star  of 
the  first  magnitude,  in  the  left  shoulder  of  Orion,  is  called 
Betelguese,  that  in  the  right  shoulder,  Bellatrix ;  the  star  in 
the  right  knee,  is  Saiph,  that  in  the  left  foot,  Bigel.  Some 
20°  N.  E.  of  the  seven  stars,  the  brilliant  star  Capella,  in 
the  Wagoner,  may  be  recognized  by  three  small  stars,  form- 
ing an  acute-angled  triangle,  immediately  below  it.  A  very 
beautiful  star,  of  peculiarly  whitish  lustre,  named  Formal- 


LECTURES  ON  ASTRONOMY.  251 

taut,  forms  the  eye  of  the  Southern  Fish ;  it  is  about  30°  S. 
E.  of  the  Y  in  Aquarius  and  cannot  be  mistaken,  as  it  is  the 
only  brilliant  star  in  that  part  of  the  Heavens.  We  have 
now  mentioned  most  of  the  principal  constellations,  but  we 
suspect  that  the  ardent  curiosity  and  love  of  research  of  our 
readers  will  hardly  allow  them  to  rest  contented  with  the 
meagre  information  thus  conveyed,  but  that  they  will  hasten 
to  seek  in  the  writings  of  standard  authors,  such  a  knowledge 
of  this  interesting  subject,  as  the  scope  of  these  lectures  will 
not  permit  us  to  attempt  imparting.  They  will  thus  find  the 
truth  of  Hamlet's  statement,  "  that  nore  things  exist  in 
Heaven  and  Earth,  than  are  dreamed  of"  in  their  philosophy. 
Dragons,  Hydras,  Serpents  and  Centaurs,  Big  Dogs  and  Lit- 
tle Dogs,  Doves,  Coons  and  Ladies'  Hair,  will  be  exhibited 
to  their  admiring  gaze,  and  they  will  also  have  their  atten- 
tion directed  to  the  remarkable  constellation  Phoenix  (named 
for  an  ancestor  of  the  present  Johannes,  but  not  in  the  least 
resembling  him,  or  the  family  portraits),  to  which  the  modesty 
of  the  author  has  merely  permitted  him  to  make  this  brief 
allusion.  On  the  subject  of  Comets,  we  should  have  desired 
to  make  a  lengthy  dissertation  ;  but  Professor  Silliman  in  his 
late  efforts  to  throw  light  upon  it,  has  decided  that  these 
bodies  are  nothing  but  GAS  ;  which  sets  the  matter  at  rest 
forever,  and  renders  discussion  useless. 

The  lecture  now  closes,  with  an  exhibition  of  the  "  Phan- 
tasmagoria" (which  is  the  scientific  name  of  a  tin  Magic 
Lantern),  showing  the  various  Heavenly  Bodies  tranquilly 
revolving  round  the  Sun,  perfectly  undisturbed  by  the  ex- 


252  LECTURES  ON  ASTRONOMY. 

travagant  motions  of  these  rampant  comets,  continually  cross 
ing  their  paths  in  orbits  of  impossible  eccentricity,  while  the 
organ,  slowly  turned  by  the  Professor  with  one  hand  (the 
other  imparting  motion  to  the  planets),  emits  in  plaintive 
tones  that  touching  melody  the  u  Low  Backed  Car,"  giving 
an  excruciating  and  probably  correct  idea  of  the  "  Music  of 
the  Spheres,"  which  nobody  ever  heard,  and,  therefore,  the 
correctness  of  the  imitation  cannot  be  disputed.  This  por- 
tion of  the  entertainment  should  be  continued  as  long  as  pos- 
sible, as  the  author  has  observed,  it  never  fails  to  give  great 
satisfaction  to  the  audience;  any  exhibition  requiring  a 
darkened  room,  being  a  "  sure  card "  of  attraction  in  a  com 
munity  where  there  are  many  young  people,  which  accounts 
for  the  wonderful  success  of  Banvard's  Panorama.  Should 
the  Professor's  arm  become  wearied  before  the  audience  are 
entirely  satisfied,  it  is  easy  to  disperse  them,  by  the  simple 
process  of  shutting  down  the  slide,  stopping  the  organ,  and 
inducing  a  small  boy,  by  a  trifling  pecuniary  compensation,  to 
holla  Fire!  in  the  vicinity  of  the  lecture  room. 

The  author  acknowledges  the  receipt  of  "  An  Astronomi 
cal  Poem  "  from  a  "  Young  Observer,"  commencicg 

"  Oh,  if  I  had  a  telescope  with  fourteen  slides," 

with  the  modest  request  that  he  would  "introduce"  it  in  hia 
second  lecture ;  but  the  detestable  attempt  of  the  "  Young 
Observer  "  to  make  "  slides  "  rhyme  with  "  Pleiades  "  in  the 
second  line,  and  the  fearful  pun  in  the  thirty-seventh  verse, 
«i  "  the  Meteor  by  moonlight  alone,"  compel  him  to  decline 


LECTURES  ON  ASTRONOMY  253 

the  introduction.  The  manuscript  will  be  returned  to  the 
author,  on  making  known  his  real  name,  and  engaging  to 
destroy  it  immediately 


A  LEGEND  OF  THE  TEHAMA  HOUSE. 

CHAPTER  I. 

IT  was  evening  at  the  Tehama.  The  apothecary,  whose  shop 
formed  the  south-eastern  corner  of  that  edifice,  had  lighted 
his  lamps,  which,  shining  through  those  large  glass  bottles 
in  the  window,  filled  with  red  and  blue  liquors,  once  supposed 
by  this  author,  when  young  and  innocent,  to  be  medicine  of 
the  most  potent  description,  lit  up  the  faces  of  the  passers-by 
with  an  unearthly  glare,  and  exaggerated  the  general  redness 
and  blueness  of  their  noses.  Within  the  office  the  hands  of 
the  octagonal  clock,  which  looked  as  though  it  had  been 
thrown  against  the  wall  in  a  moist  state  and  stuck  there, 
pointed  to  the  hour  of  eight.  The  apartment  was  nearly 
deserted.  Frink,  "  the  courteous  and  gentlemanly  manager," 
and  the  Major,  had  gone  to  the  Theatre;  having  season  tick- 
ets, they  felt  themselves  forced  to  attend,  and  never  missed 
*  performance.  The  coal  fire  in  the  office  stove  glowed  with 
«  hospitable  warmth,  emitting  a  gentle  murmur  of  welcome  to 


A  LEGEND  OP  fHE  TEHAMA  HOUSE.         255 

the  expected  wayfarers  by  the  Sacramento  boats,  interrupted 
only  by  an  occasional  deprecatory  hiss,  when  insulted  by  a 
stream  of  tobacco  juice.  Overcoats  hung  about  the  walls,  still 
moist  with  recent  showers ;  umbrellas  reclined  lazily  in  corners ; 
spittoons  stood  about  the  floor,  the  whole  diffusing  that  name- 
less odor  so  fascinating  to  the  married  man,  who,  cigar  in 
mouth  and  hot  whiskey  punch  at  elbow,  sits  nightly  until 
twelve  o'clock  in  the  enjoyment  of  it,  while  the  wife  of  his 
bosom  in  their  comfortable  home  on  Powell  street,  wonders 
at  his  absence,  and  unjustly  curses  the  Know  Nothings  or  the 
Free  and  Accepted  Masonic  Fraternity. 

Behind  the  office  desk,  perched  on  a  high,  three-legged 
stool,  his  head  supported  by  both  hands,  the  youthful  but  lit- 
erary John  Duncan  was  deeply  engaged  in  the  exciting  peru- 
sal of  the  last  yellow-covered  novel,  "  Blood  for  Blood,  or  the 
Infatuated  Dog."  He  knew  that,  in  a  few  moments,  eighty- 
four  gentlemen  "  in  hot  haste,"  would  call  to  inquire  whether 
the  Member  of  Congress  had  returned,  and  was  anxious  to 
find  out  what  the  "  Kobber  Chieftain  "  did  with  the  "  Lady 
Maude  Alleyne  "  before  the  arrival  of  the  Sacramento  boat. 
The  only  other  occupant  of  the  office,  was  a  short,  fleshy  gen- 
tleman with  a  white  hat,  dark  green  coat  with  brass  buttons, 
drab  pantaloons,  short  punchy  little  boots  and  gaiters. 

These  circumstances  might  be  noted  as  he  stood  with  his 
back  to  the  door,  gazing  intently  upon  one  of  those  elaborate 
works  of  art  with  which  the  spirited  proprietor  has  lately  seen 
fit  to  adorn  the  walls  of  the  Tehama.  It  represented  a  lady 
in  a  ball  dress,  seated  on  the  back  of  a  large  dray-horse  (at 


256  A   LEGEND   OF   THE   TEHAMA   HOUSE. 

least  eighteen  hands  high),  and  holding  a  parrot  on  her  right 
forefinger,  while  at  her  horse's  feet  kneeled  a  man  in  the 
stage  dress  of  Mercutio,  doing  something  with  five  or  six 
other  parrots.     The  piece  was  called  "  Hawking,"  had  a  fine 
gilt  frame  and  glass,  and  in  certain  lights,  answered  the  pur- 
pose of  a  mirror,  and  was  therefore  a  very  pretty  object  to 
gaze  upon.     In  fact,  the  short,  stout  gentleman  was  adjusting 
his  shirt  collar,  which  was  of  prodigious  height,  and  had  a  per- 
verse inclination  to  turn  down  on  one  side,  by  its  reflection. 
As  he  turned  from  this  employment,  he  exhibited  one  of 
the  most  curious  faces  it  is  possible  to  conceive.    Unlike  most 
fat  men,  whose  little  eyes,  round,  red  cheeks,  wart-like  nosea 
and  double  chins,  convey  but  little  meaning  or  expression, 
this  gentleman's  face  was  all  expression.     He  wore  a  con- 
stant look  of  the  most  intense  curiosity.     Inquisitiveness  sat 
upon  every  lineament  of  his  countenance.     His  small,  green 
eyes  protruding  from  his  head,  surmounted  by  thin  but  well- 
defined  and  very  curvilinear  eyebrows,  looked  like  two  notes 
of  interrogation ;  his  nose,  though  small,  was  sharp  at  the 
end  like  a  gimlet,  and  his  little  round  mouth  was  constantly 
pursed  up  into  an  expression  of  inquiring  wonder,  as  though 
the  most  natural  sound  that  could  fall  from  it,  should  be, 
"  O-o-o-o !  come  now,  do  tell."     In  fact  he  was  one  of  those 
beings  created  by  a  wise  but  inscrutable  Providence,  for  no 
other  purpose  apparently  but  "  to  meddle  with  other  peo- 
ple's business,"  and  ask  questions. 

His  name  was  Bogle,  and  with  Mrs.  Bogle,  whom  he  had 
married  two  y<?ars  before,  because,  having  exhausted  all  other 


A  LEGEND  OF  THE  TEHAMA  HOUSE.          25 

subjects  of  inquiry  in  conversation  with  her,  he  had  finally 
asked  her  if  she  would  have  him,  and  a  little  Bogle,  who  had 
made  its  appearance  some  three  months  since,  and  already 
"  took  notice  "  with  an  inquiring  air  painful  to  contemplate, 
he  occupied,  for  the  present,  "Boom  No,  31." 

Bogle  would  have  made  a  fortune  in  no  time,  if  he  had 
lived  in  the  blessed  era  when  the  promise  "  Ask  and  ye  shall 
receive  "  was  fulfilled  ;  and  so  well  was  his  disposition  under- 
stood by  the  frequenters  of  the  Tehama,  that  they  invariably 
left  the  vicinity  when  he  looked  askant  at  them ;  his  presence 
cleared  the  room  as  quickly  as  a  stream  from  a  fire  engine, 
or  a  mad  dog  could  have  done  it.  Brushing  some  remains  of 
snuff  from  his  snow  white  vest — Bogle  took  snuff  inordinately 
— he  said  it  sharpened  up  his  faculties — he  turned  upon  the 
hapless  Duncan — who  had  just  got  the  "  Lady  Maude  "  into 
the  cave,  where  the  skeleton  hand  dripped  blood  from  the 
ceiling — "  John,  what  time  is  it  ?  "  John  looked  at  the 
clock  with  a  slight  groan,  "  Five  minutes  past  eight,  Mr. 
Bogle." 

"  What  time  will  the  boat  be  in  ?  " 
"  In  a  few  moments,  Mr.  Bogle." 
"  Will  the  General  come  down  to-night  ?  " 
"  I  don't  know,  Mr.  Bogle." 
"  How  old  a  man  do  you  take  him  to  be  now  ?  " 
"  Fontaine  she  screamed ! — that  is,  I   don't  know,  Mr 
Bogle." 

"  How  much  does  he  weigh  ?  " 
"The  skeleton! — indeed,  I  don't  know,  sir." 
17 


258          A  LEGEND  OF  THE  TEHAMA  HOUSE. 

The  conversation  was  here  suspended  by  the  sudden  ani 
val  of  a  stranger.  He  was  a  large  man,  of  stern  and  forbid 
ding  aspect,  exceedingly  dark  complexion,  with  long,  black 
hair  hanging  in  unkempt  tangles  about  his  shoulders,  and 
with  a  fierce  and  uncompromising  moustache  and  beard, 
blacker  than  the  driven  charcoal,  completely  concealing  tho 
lower  part  of  his  face.  His  dress  was  singular ;  a  brown  hat, 
brown  coat,  brown  vest,  brown  neck  cloth,  brown  pantaloons, 
brown  gaiter  boots.  In  his  hand  he  carried  a  brown  carpet 
bag,  and  beneath  his  arm  a  brown  silk  umbrella.  Hastily  he 
inscribed  his  name  upon  the  Register,  "  General  Tecumseh 
Brown,  Brownsville,"  and,  for  an  instant,  seemed  to  fall  into 
a  brown  study.  Bogle  was  on  the  qui  vive  ;  he  looked  over 
the  General's  shoulder. 

"  From  Sacramento,  sir  ?  "  said  he. 

The  General  gazed  at  Bogle,  sternly,  for  a  moment,  and 
replied,  "  I  am,  sir." 

"  I  see,  sir,"  said  Bogle  with  a  cordial  smile,  "  you  live  in 
Brownsville ;  may  I  inquire  if  you  are  in  business  there  ?  " 

The  General  gazed  at  Bogle  more  sternly  than  before, 
and  shortly  answered,  "  You  may,  sir." 

"  Well,"  said  Bogle,  "  are  you?" 

"  Yes,  sir,"  replied  General  Brown  in  a  stentorion  voice, 
at  the  same  time  advancing  a  step  toward  his  fat  little  in- 
quisitor,  "  I  have  lately  made  a  fortune  there. " 

"  Oh  !"  said  Bogle,  nimbly  jumping  back  as  the  General 
advanced,  "How?" 

"By  minding  my  own  business,  sir/"  thundered  the 


A  LEGEND  OF  THE  TEHAMA  HOUSE.          259 

General,  and  turning  to  Duncan,  who  had  forgotten  tho 
"Lady  Maude"  in  the  charms  of  this  conversation,  said, 
"  Give  me  my  key,  sir,  and  the  moment  a  young  man  calls 
here  to  inquire  for  me,  send  him  up  to  my  room." 

So  saying,  and  grasping  the  key  extended  to  him,  General 
Brown  turned  away,  and,  casting  a  look  of  fierce  malignity 
at  little  Bogle,  who  tried  to  conceal  his  confusion  by  taking 
a  pinch  of  snuff,  retired,  taking  with  him  as  he  went,  the  only 
brown  japanned  candlestick  that  stood  among  the  numerous 
array  of  those  articles,  provided  for  the  Tehama's  guests." 

"  Well,"  said  Bogle,  "  of  all  the  Brown— where  did  you 
put  him,  John?" 

"  No.  32,"  replied  that  individual,  returning  to  "  tho 
cave." 

"  Thirty-two  !"  exclaimed  Bogle,  "  Goodness  !  Gracious  ! 
why  that  joins  my  room,  and  the  partition  is  as  thin  as  a 
wafer." 


CHAPTER  II. 

Up  stairs  went  Bogle,  two  steps  at  a  time.  The  door  of 
thirty-two  slammed,  as  he  reached  the  door  of  his  apartment 
it  slammed  on  a  brown  coat-tail,  about  half  a  yard  of  which 
remained  on  the  outside ;  there  was  a  muttered  ejaculation, 
then  a  deep  growl,  and — rip  !  went  the  coat-tail,  the  frag- 
ment remaining  in  the  door. 

"  Gracious !  Goodness  ! "  said  Bogle,  "  what  a  passionate 
man !  he's  torn  it  off !  he's  like  Halley's  comet ;  no  I  thai 


260          A  LEGEND  OF  THE  TEHAMA  HOUSE. 

never  had  a  tail !  he's  like  that  fox," — and  Bogle  entered  hh 
apartment. 

Here  sat  his  interesting  wife,  rocking  their  offspring,  and 
instilling  into  its  infant  mind  the  first  lesson  of  practical 
economy,  by  singing  that  popular  nursery  refrain, 

"  Buy  low,  Baby ;  buy  low,  buy  low.** 

"  Hush  1 "  said  Bogle,  as  he  entered  on  tip-toe,  and,  care- 
fully closing  the  door  of  thirty-one,  held  up  a  warning  finger 
to  the  partner  of  his  joys  and  sorrows.  The  lullaby  ceased. 
It  is  said  that  all  women  become  like  their  husbands  after  a 
certain  time,  both  in  appearance  and  disposition.  Mrs 
Bogle,  who  had  been  a  Miss  Artemesia  Stackpole  before  mar- 
riage (Bogle  said  she  was  named  for  an  elder  sister,  Mesia, 
who  died,  and  she  was  called  Arter-mesia),  certainly  did  not 
at  all  resemble  her  husband  in  appearance.  She  was  of  the 
thread-paper  order ;  one  of  those  gaunt,  bony  females  of  no 
particular  age,  who  always  have  two  false  eye-teeth,  and  wear 
brown  merino  dresses  and  muslin  night-caps  with  a  cotton 
lace  border  in  the  morning.  But  in  disposition  she  was  his 
very  counterpart.  Curious,  meddling,  inquisitive,  fond  of 
gossip  and  indefatigable  in  "  the  pursuit  of  knowledge  under 
difficulties,"  she  was  an  invaluable  coadjutor  to  Bogle,  whom 
she  had  materially  assisted  many  times  in  obtaining  informa- 
tion, that  even  his  prying  nature  had  failed  to  accomplish. 
Eagerly  she  listened  to  his  tale  about  the  mysterious  Browa 
and  his  tail,  and,  like  a  good  and  dutiful  wife,  all  quietly  she 


I  LEGEND  OP  THE  TEHAMA  HOUSE.          26 1 

nursed  the  olive  branch,  while  Bogle,  seated  in  close  prox 
imity  to  the  partition,  listened  with  eager  ear,  intent,  to  the 
motions  of  their  neighbor. 

Three  times  in  as  many  quarters  of  an  hour  did  that 
mysterious  General  ring  the  bell ;  three  times  came  up  the 
waiter;  three  times  he  replied  to  the  Q-eneral's  anxious 
question,  "  that  no  one  had  called  for  him,"  and  three  times 
he  went  down  again.  After  each  interview  with  the  waiter, 
Bogle  listening  at  the  partition,  heard  the  General  mutter  to 
himself  a  large  word,  a  scriptural  word,  but  not  adapted  to 
common  conversation ;  it  began  with  a  capital  D  and  ended 
with  a  small  n.  Each  time  that  he  heard  it,  Bogle  said 
11  Gracious  !  Goodness  ! "  At  length  his  patient  exertions 
were  rewarded.  As  the  clock  struck  ten,  a  step  was  heaid 
upon  the  stairs  ;  nearer  and  nearer  it  came.  Bogle's  heart 
beat  heavily ;  it  stopped  in  front  of  "  thirty-two ;  " — he  held 
his  breath ; — a  knock ; — the  General's  voice,  "  Come  in ;  "•  — 
he  heard  the  door  open,  and  the  stranger  commence  with 
"  Good  evening,  General,"  but  before  he  could  say  "  Brown," 
that  gentleman  exclaimed,  "  Charles,  have  you  seen  Fanny  ?  " 

Bogle,  his  ear  glued  to  the  wall,  turned  his  eye  toward 
his  wife  and  beckoned.  Artemesia  approached,  and  seating 
herself  on  his  knee,  the  infant  clasped  to  her  breast,  listened 
with  her  husband 

The  stranger  slowly  replied,  "  I  have." 

"  And  who  was  she  with?" 

"  That  Frenchman,  as  you  supposed." 

"  Good  God  !  "  exclaimed  the  stricken  Brown,  as  In  agonj 


262          A  LEGEND  OF  THE  TEHAMA  HOUSE. 

he  paced  the  room  with  fearful  strides.     There  was  a  mo 
ment's  silence. 

"  Did  you  take  her  from  him  ?  " 

"  Yes,  I  persuaded  her  to  accompany  me  to  my  room  at 
'The  Union.'" 

"  Why  did  you  not  bring  her  to  me  at  once  ?  " 

"  I  knew  your  passionate  nature,  General,  and  I  feared 
you  would  kill  her." 

"  I  will !  "  growled  the  General,  "  By  Heaven,  I  will  !— 
but  not  so — not  as  you  think ;  I'll  poison  her ! " 

Bogle,  his  face  pallid  with  apprehension,  his  teeth  chat- 
tering with  fear,  looked  at  Artemesia ;  " — she  met  his  horror- 
stricken  gaze,  and  with  a  subdued  shriek,  clasped  the  baby ; 
— it  awoke. 

The  General,  in  a  low,  deep  voice  of  concentrated  pas- 
sion, continued ; — "  I'll  poison  her,  Charles  ! " 

"  Oh ! "  he  exclaimed  with  deep  emotion,  "  how  I  have 
loved  that—" 

Here  the  infant  Bogle,  who  had  been  drawing  in  his 
breath  for  a  cry,  broke  forth ; — "  At  once  there  rose  so  wild 
a  yell."  Human  nature  could  not  stand  it  longer. 

"  Smother  that  little  villain ! "  said  Bogle  in  a  fierce 
whisper ;  "  I  can't  hear  a  word.' 

Artemesia,  with  the  look  of  Lucretia  Borgia,  withdrew 
with  the  child  to  the  adjoining  room,  (No.  31,  Tehama, 
contains  two  rooms,  a  small  parlor  and  a  bed-chamber),  and 
ulministcred  a  punishment  that  must  have  astonished  it-— 


A  LEGEND  OF  THE  TEHAMA  HOUSE.          263 

it  was  certainly  struck  aback.  If  babies  remember  any 
tiling,  that  youthful  Bogle  has  not  forgotten  that  bastinado — 
applied  a  little  higher  up  than  is  customary  among  the 
Turks — to  this  day.  "  At  length  the  tumult  dwindled  to  a 
calm,"  and  again  Bogle  clapped  his  ear  to  the  wall.  lie 
heard  but  the  concluding  words  of  the  murderous  General— 

"  Bring  her  up  with  you  at  ten  o'clock  to-morrow  evening, 
and  a  sack ;  after  it  is  over,  we  will  put  her  body  in  it,  and 
carry  her  to  Meiggs'  wharf,  where  there  are  plenty  of  brick ; 
we  can  fill  the  sack  with  them  and  throw  her  off." 

"  Well,  sir,"  replied  the  stranger,  "  if  you  are  determined 
to  do  it,  I  will ;  but  poor  Fanny ! " — here  emotion  choked 
his  utterance. 

"  You  do  as  I  tell  you,  sir ;"  growled  the  General,  "there's 
no  weakness  about  me ! "  Here  the  door  opened  and  closed. 

Bogle  rose  from  his  knees,  the  perspiration  was  running 
down  his  fat  face  in  streams. — "  No  weakness,"  said  he, 
"  Goodness  Gracious !  I  should  say  not ; — what  an  awful 
affair; — coming  so  close,  too,  upon  the  Meiggs'  forgeries, 
and  the  loss  of  the  Yankee  Blade ; — how  providential  that 
I  happened  to  overhear  it  all !  Gracious  Goodness  ! " 

That  night,  in  a  whispered  consultation  with  his  Arte- 
mesia,  Bogle's  plan  of  action  was  decided  upon.  But  long 
after  this,  and  long  after  the  horror-strickon  pair  had  sunk 
into  a  perturbed  slumber,  the  footsteps  of  the  intended  mur- 
derer might  have  been  heard,  as  hour  after  hour  he  paced 
the  floor  of  his  solitary  chamber,  and  his  deep  voice  might 


264          A  LEGEND  OF  THE  TEHAMA  HOUSE 

have  been  heard  also,  occasionally  giving  vent  to  his  fell 

determination— "  Yes,  sir!    I'11-mur-der ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 

I!!—! 

CHAPTER  III. 

The  next  morning  a  great  change  might  have  been  ob- 
served in  our  friend  Bogle.  He  appeared  unusually  quiet 
and  reserved — pallid  and  nervous ; — starting  when  any  one 
approached  him,  he  stood  alone  near  the  door  of  the  Tehama ; 
he  sought  no  companionship — he  asked  no  questions.  Men 
marvelled  thereat. 

"  What  has  come  over  Bogle  ? "  said  the  Judge  to  the 
Major.  "  I  haven't  heard  him  ask  a  question  to-day." 

"  "Well,"  was  the  unfeeling  reply,  "  he's  been  asking  ques- 
tions for  the  last  thirty  years,  and  I  reckon  he  has  asked  all 
there  are." 

But  Bogle  knew  what  he  was  about.  At  three  P.M. 
precisely,  General  Brown  came  majestically  down  stairs ;  he 
passed  Bogle  so  nearly  that  he  could  have  touched  him ;  but 
he  noticed  not  the  latter's  shuddering  withdrawal ;  he  looked 
neither  to  the  right  or  left,  but,  gloomy  and  foreboding,  like 
an  avenging  genius,  he  passed  into  the  apothecary's  on  the 
corner. 

"  Give  me  an  ounce  bottle  of  strychnine,"  said  he. 

" For  rats,  sir?"  said  the  polite  attendant. 

The  General  started ;  he  gave  a  fearful  scowl.  "  Yes," 
he  said,  with  a  demoniac  laugh,  "  for  rats  !  ha  !  ha  1  oh  yes— 
fcr—-rats!"  - 


A  LEGEND  OF  THE  TEHAMA  HOUSE.          265 

Bogle  heard  this ; — he  heard  no  more ;  he  started  for  the 
Police  Office. 


Who  was  Fanny?—?? ????! ? ?? ??? 


That  evening  about  ten  o  clock,  Bogle  sat  alone,  or  alone 
save  his  Artemesia,  in  No.  31.  The  baby  had  been  put  to 
bed ,  and  silent  and  solemn  in  that  dark  apartment,  for  the 
lamp  had  been  extinguished,  sat  listening  that  shuddering 
pair.  A  step  was  heard  on  the  stairs,  and  closer  drew  the 
Bogles  together,  listening  to  that  step,  as  it  sounded  fearfully 
distinct,  from  the  beating  of  their  own  agitated  hearts. 

As  it  drew  near,  it  was  evident  that  two  persons  were 
approaching;  for,  accompany  ing 'the  first  distinct  tread,  was 
a  light  footfall  like  that  of  a  youag  and  tender  female. 
"  Poor  thing ! "  said  Artemesia,  with  a  suppressed  gasp.  The 
heavy  tread  of  General  Brown  could  be  heard  distinctly  in 
No.  32.  The  parties  stopped  at  his  door; — a  knock,  and 
they  were  silently  admitted. 

The  voice  of  the  General  broke  the  silence — "  Oh  1 
Fanny,"  he  exclaimed  in  bitter  anguish,  how  could  you 
desert  me  ! "  There  was  no  articulate  reply,  but  the  Bogies 
heard  from  the  unhappy  female  an  expression  of  grief,  which 
fclrnost  broke  their  hearts. 

"Fanny,"  continued  the  General,  "you  have  been  faith- 
jcs*  i;o  me — fickle  and  false  as  your  sex  invariably  are !  I 


266          A  LEGEND  OF  THE  TEHAMA  HOUSE. 

loved  you,  Fanny — I  love  you  still ! — but  my  heart  can  nc 
more  be  made  tlie  sport  of  falsehood !  You  must  die !  Take 
this!" 

"  Hold — wretch  ! "  shouted  Bogle.  "  Let  me  go,  Artc- 
mcsia  "  and  throwing  off  his  coat,  the  heroic  little  fellow 
threw  open  his  own  door,  kicked  down  the  door  of  thirty- 
two,  and  stood  in  the  presence  of  the  murderer  and  his 
victim — pistol  in  hand !  At  the  same  instant  the  bell  of 
thirty-one  was  violently  rung,  the  doors  on  each  side  opened, 
and  the  gallery  was  filled  with  men.  But  what  caused  Bogle 
to  falter  ?  Why  did  he  not  rush  forward  to  snatch  the  vic- 
tim from  her  destroyer  ?  Near  the  centre-table,  on  which 
was  burning  an  astral  lamp,  stood  a  remarkably  fine  looking 
young  man,  who  gazed  on  Bogle's  short,  punchy  figure  with 
an  inquiring  smile. 

On  the  other  side  of  the  table,  but  nearer  the  door,  his 
brow  blacker  than  a  thunder-cloud,  sat  General  Brown 
in  one  hand  he  held  a  small  piece  of  meat,  the  other 
retained  between  his  knees  a  small  but  exceedingly  stanch" 
looking  dog,  of  the  true  bull-terrier  breed.  Both  the  Gen- 
eral and  the  dog  showed  their  teeth ; — both  were  epitome? 
of  ferocity,  but  the  snarl  of  the  dog  was  as  nothing  to  the 
snarl  of  the  General,  as,  half-rising  from  his  seat,  but  still 
holding  the  dog  down  by  the  collar,  he  shouted — "  How's 
this,  sir?" 

Bogle  staggered  back — dashing  back  from  his  brow  the 
perspiration,  he  dropped  the  pistol  and  leaning  against  the 
door,  gasped  rather  than  articulated — "  It's  a  dog ! " 


A  LEGEND  OF  THE  TEHAMA  HOUSE.          267 

*  Ycd,  dir!"  roared  the  infuriated  General,  rising  from 
his  chair — "and  a  she  dog  at  that!  what  have  you  got  t«> 
say  about  it  ?  " 

Bogle,  almost  fainting,  stammered  painfully  forth,  "  Is 
her — name — Fanny  ?  " 

«  D n  you  sir,"  screamed  the  General,  "  I'll  let  you 

know  !  Sta-boy  !  bite  him,  Fan  !  " 

Like  an  arrow  from  a  bow,  like  lightning  from  the  cloud, 
like  shot  off  a  shovel,  like  any  thing  that  goes  quick,  sprang 
the  female  bull-terrier  on  the  unhappy  Bogle, 

"  Man  is  but  mortal,"  and  Bogle  turned  to  flee.  "  It  was 
too  late !  "  Why  did  he  take  off  his  coat  ? — ah  !  why  wear 
such  tight  pantaloons  ? 

Shrieking  like  a  demon,  the  ferocious  beast  clinging  to 
one  extremity,  his  hair  on  end  with  fright,  and  horror  at  the 
other,  Bogle  rushed  frantically  down  the  passage,  overturning 
in  his  mad  career  police  officers,  chambermaids,  housekeeper 
and  boarders,  who,  alarmed  at  his  outcries,  thronged  tumul- 
tuously  into  the  hall.  The  first  flight  of  stairs  he  took  at  a 
jump ; — the  second  he  rolled  down  from  top  to  bottom,  the 
bull-terrier  clinging  to  him  like  a  steel  trap— first  the  dog 
on  top,  then  Bogle ; — arrived  at  the  bottom,  he  sprang  forth 
into  Sansome  street,  and  reckless  of  Frink's  alarmed  cry — 
"  Stop  that  man — he  hasn't  paid  his  bill !  "  away  he  went  on 
the  wings  of  the  wind.  It  was  an  awful  sight  to  see  that  lit- 
tle figure,  as,  wild  with  horror,  he  ran  adown  the  street,  the 
stanch  dog  swinging  from  side  to  side,  as  he  fled. 

It  was  a  fearful  race  !     Never  did  a  short  pair  of  legs  get 


268          A  LEGEND  OF  THE  TEHAMA  HOUSE. 

over  an  equal  space  in  an  equal  time,  than  on  that  trying  oc- 
casion. At  length  a  sailor  on  Commercial  street,  taking  tha 
dog  for  a  portmanteau,  with  which  he  supposed  Bogle  was 
making  off,  stretched  out  a  friendly  leg  and  tripped  him  up, 
But  his  troubles  were  not  ended.  When  a  bull-terrier  takea 
a  hold — a  fair  hold — to  get  it  off,  one  of  two  alternatives 
must  obtain ; — either  the  animal's  teeth  must  be  drawn,  or 
the  piece  must  come  out.  They  hadn't  time  to  draw  Fanny's 
teeth—! 

They  brought  Bogle  home  in  a  hand-  cart,  and  put  him 
to  bed.  He  hasn't  sat  down  since.  As  they  took  him  up 
stairs  to  his  room,  surrounded  by  a  clamorous  throng,  the 
door  of  No.  10,  at  the  foot  of  the  first  flight  of  stairs,  opened, 
and  a  gentleman  of  exceeding  dignity,  made  his  appearance 
in  a  dressing  gown  of  beautifully  embroidered  pattern. 

"  John,"  he  said  to  Mr.  Duncan,  who,  with  an  extensive 
grin  on  his  countenance,  and  "  Blood  for  Blood  "  (somewhat 
dilapidated  in  the  scuffle)  in  his  hand,  was  bringing  up  the  rear 
of  the  procession  with  a  candle,  "  what's  all  this  row  about  ? ' 

John  briefly  explained. 

"  I  thought  it  a  fire,"  said  the  gentleman,  "  but,  '  Par  in- 
riunt  monies,  nascetur — '  " 

"  A  ridiculous  muss,"  said  the  classic  John  Duncan. 

The  gentleman  retired  ;  so  did  the  chambermaid  ;  so  did 
the  boarders  generally ;  so  did  General  Brown,  with  his  dog 
under  his  arm,  swearing  he  would  not  part  with  her  for  five 
hundred  dollars ;  so  did  the  policemen,  somewhat  scandalized 
that  nobody  was  murdered  after  all. 


A  LEGEXD  OF  THE  TEHAMA  HOUSE.          269 

Bogle  left  the  house  next  day  in  a  baby-jumper,  swung 
to  a  pole  between  two  Chinamen.  Artemesia  and  the  infant 
followed. 

I  hear  that  he  has  lately  increased  his  business,  taken  a 
partner,  and  attends  to  the  examination  of  wills,  marriage 
settlements,  and  other  papers  belonging  entirely  to  other 
people's  business.  Sneak  is  the  name  of  the  partner ;  he  or 
Bogle  may  be  seen  daily  at  the  "  Hall  of  Records,"  from  ten 
tjntil  two  o'clock,  overhauling  something  or  other,  that  is 
no  concern  of  theirs.  They  furnish  all  sorts  of  information 
gratis.  It  is  like  the  wine  you  get  where  they  advertise  "  All 
sorts  of  liquors  at  12£  cents  a  glass." 

General  Brown  has  settled  in  Grass  Valley,  Nevada 
County,  and  would  have  appointed  every  white  male  inhabi- 
tant of  California  a  member  of  his  staff  with  the  rank  of 
Lieutenant-colonel,  had  he  not  been  anticipated. 

Fanny  killed  forty-four  rats  in  thirty  seconds,  only  last 
week — so  Tom  says. 

The  Tehaina  House  is  still  there. 


INTERESTING  CORRESPONDENCE. 

£We  have  received  for  publication  the  following  correspondence,  which 
b  more  than  rich  ;  it  is  positively  luscious.] 

WASHINGTON,  January  14,  1854. 

Lieut. ,  U.S.A.,  San  Diego,  Gal. 

SIR  : — An  effort  having  been  made  by  me  in  connection 
with  others,  to  obtain  an  act  of  Congress  during  its  present  ses- 
sion, by  which  army  officers  will  receive  the  same  allowances 
whilst  they  served  in  California  and  Oregon,  as  were  grant- 
ed  to  Navy  officers,  I  beg  to  call  your  attention  thereto,  and 
especially  ask  your  approval  of  the  contemplated  attempt. 

5Tou  are  aware  that  Congress,  at  its  last  session,  granted 
in  the  Naval  Appropriation  bill,  extra  pay  ($2  per  diem),  to 
the  officers,  and  double  pay  to  sailors  and  others,  serving  in 
the  Pacific  during  the  Mexican  war,  and  up  to  the  28th  of 
September,  1850.  This  allowance  was  based  upon  the  sup- 
position that  the  officers  of  the  army  serving  in  California 
had  received  the  same  allowance,  by  previous  acts  of  Con- 
gress, when  in  fact  this  extra  pay  had  only  been  granted 
them  from  the  1st  July,  1850.  There  are  a  large  number 
*f  army  officers  'justly  entitled  to  an  additional  allowance, 


INTERESTING    CORRESPONDENCE.  '271 

and  for  precisely  the  same  reasons  which  has  induced  Con- 
gress to  grant  it  to  the  Navy,  and  especially  those  who 
served  there  subsequent  to  the  1st  January,  1848;  when 
they  were  compelled  to  pay  the  most  exorbitant  prices  for 
the  necessaries  of  life,  having  no  other  alternative,  and  no 
means  of  leaving  the  country  like  the  officers  of  the  Pacific 
squadron,  who  could  have  left  the  coast  of  California  and 
gone  to  a  cheaper  station. 

I  have  been  requested  by  a  number  of  officers  stationed 
in  Texas,  to  solicit  your  co-operation  in  carrying  out  this 
desirable  object,  by  contributing,  in  the  event  of  success,  the 
proportionable  per  centum,  agreed  upon  by  them,  namely 
five  or  ten  per  cent,  on  the  amount  that  may  accrue,  to  you, 
as  a  remuneration  for  services  rendered.  Your  concurrence 
is  therefore  requested,  and  it  is  understood  that  if  there 
should  be  a  failure,  which,  however,  is  not  anticipated,  nc 
charge  of  any  kind  shall  be  made. 

Soliciting  your  immediate  attention,  and  early  reply, 
I  remain  very  respectfully, 

Your  ob'dt  servant, 
CHARLES  D 


SAN  DIEGO,  20th  March,  1854. 

MY  DEAR  CHARLES  : — I  have  received  your  modest  request 
of  the  4th  of  January,  that  I  will  give  you  five  or  ten  per 
cent,  of  any  sum  that  Congress  may  hereafter,  in  its  infinite 


272  INTERESTING   CORRESPONDENCE. 

beneficence,  appropriate  to  my  relief;  a  request  which  you 
state  you  make  to  me  at  the  instance  of  "  a  number  of  ofn  • 
cers  stationed  in  Texas." 

For  the  benefit  of  those  gentlemen,  as  well  as  yourself,  1 
have  asked  Mr.  Ames  to  print  your  letter,  and  my  answer,  in 
the  world-renowned  San  Diego  Herald — the  only  method  I 
see  of  communicating  with  your  advisers;  as  a  letter  directed 
to  "  a  number  of  officers  stationed  in  Texas,"  might  possibly 
never  reach  them,  through  the  ordinary  channels. 

Upon  mature  reflection,  of  nearly  five  minutes,  I  have 
come  to  the  conclusion  to  decline  acceding  to  your  propo- 
sal. This  decision  has  resulted  from  several  considerations 

In  the  first  place,  I  don't  know  you,  Charles.  I  never 
heard  of  you  before,  in  all  my  life.  To  be  sure,  I  see  by 
your  card,  which  you  so  kindly  enclosed,  and  which  my  wife 
has  just  stuck  up  in  the  corner  of  the  cracked  looking-glasa 
that  adorns  our  humble  chamber,  that  you  are  a  General 
Agent  (which  may  be  a  new  military  rank  for  all  I  know 
created  with  the  Lieutenant-generalcy,  and  if  it  is,  I  beg 
your  pardon  and  touch  my  hat,  for  I  have  a  great  respect  for 
rank),  and  a  Notary  Public,  and  that  you  live  on  Seventh 
street,  opposite  the  Odd  Fellows'  Hall,  (why  not  move  acrosa 
the  street  ?)  But  all  this  does  not  amount  to  friendship, 
intimacy,  or  even  common  acquaintance;  and  I  declare, 
Charles,  I  do  not  even  know  now  whether  you  may  not  be 
gome  designing  person,  who,  seeing  that  a  bill  is  likely  to 
pass  for  the  relief  of  certain  distressed  officers,  seeks  to  levj 
«  little  black  mail,  say  five  or  even  ten  per  cent.,  on  the 


INTERESTING    CORRESPONDENCE.  278 

scanty  pittance,  under  tho  pretext  of  having  influenced 
Congress  in  its  humane  decision;  a  thing  that  I  believe 
all  the  General  Agents,  Notary  Publics,  U.  S.  Commission- 
era,  and  Commissioners  of  Deeds,  that  ever  lived  opposite  or 
in  Odd  Fellows'  Hall,  would  fail  to  accomplish,  had  not 
Congress  made  up  its  benevolent  mind  to  do  it  without  con- 
sulting them 

2dly.  Why  should  I  promise  to  give  you  ten  per  cent,  of 
that  allowance  ?  (Oh,  don't  you  wish  you  might  get  it — 1 
hope  /  shall.)  You  say  you  have  made  an  effort  to  get  it  for 
us.  Ah,  Charles,  I  love  and  honor  you  for  doing  so,  if  you 
have ;  but  how,  when,  and  where — tell  me  where,  did  you 
make  that  effort.  But  if  you  did  do  so,  what  of  it  ?  Perhaps 
you  made  an  effort,  too,  to  get  me  the  pay  I  now  receive. 
Perhaps — startling  thought ! — you  will  be  writing  to  me  for 
"five  or  ten  per  cent."  of  that  humble  income  1  Don't  try  it, 
Charles ;  you  wouldn't  get  it,  I  assure  you. 

As  to  your  making  an  effort,  that's  all  nonsense.  Every 
body  makes  efforts  now-a-days.  Every  body  that  ever  I 
read  of,  except  Mrs.  Dombey,  made  an  effort ;  and  if  my 
grandmother  were  to  die  and  leave  me  a  thousand  dollars, 
you  might,  with  equal  propriety,  inform  me  that  you  mado 
an  effort  for  that  venerable  person's  decease,  and  claim  "  five 
01  ten  per  cent."  of  that  amount  of  property,  as  to  humbug 
me  with  your  making  efforts  to  influence  Congress,  who,  as  I 
said  before,  I  solemnly  believe  is  independent  of  all  the  ef- 
forts of  all  the  Notary  Publics  in  all  Washington. 

From  these  two  considerations,  I  conclude  that  you  have 
18 


274  INTERESTING  f  CJfiRESFONDENCE. 

no  claim  or  shadow  of  a  clui^i  on  me,  but  that  your  proposal 
is  merely  a  request  for  cha/ity,  to  the  amount  of  "  five  o» 
ten  per  cent."  on  the  small  sum  that  you,  living  in  Washing- 
ton, and  watching  the  signs  of  the  times,  begin  to  believe 
Congress  is  going  to  allow  me.  This  charity  I  shall  decline 
bestowing,  for  three  good  and  sufficient  reasons  : 

1st.  I  am  very  poor  myself. 

2d.  I  have  a  family  to  support  on  $89  83  a  month,  which 
isn't  such  a  tremendous  income,  in  a  country  where  flour  is 
$30  per  barrel. 

3d.  I'll  see  you first,  giving  you  full  permission  to 

fill  the  blank  with  any  kind  aspiration  for  your  future  well- 
fare  and  happiness,  that  may  occur  to  you,  and  that  you 
may  deem  appropriate. 

Farewell,  Charles — remember  me  kindly  to  "  a  number 
of  officers  stationed  in  Texas,"  when  you  write.  Invest 
properly  and  judiciously,  the  "  five  or  ten  per  cents  "  you  get 
from  iham-  -  in  your  future  efforts  forget  me,  and  remem 

be-- to 

"•  Be  virtuous  and  you  will  be  happy." 

Adieu, 

Yours  respectively, 
,  Lieut.  U.  S.  A 

IV  O.  D.  ESQUIRE,  Opposite  Odd  Fellows'  Hall,  General  Agent, 
Notary  Public,  Commissioner  of  Deeds,  and  U.  S.  Commissioner 
fer  all  the  States  in  the  Union  and  Elsewhere! 


THE     EXTREMITY. 


NEW  AND  STANDARD  FICTION 

Published  by  D.  JPPLETON  &  CO. 


EDMOND  ABOUT. 

Story  q/  an  Honest  Man. 

Svo,  paper,  50  cents. 


GRACE  AGUILAR. 


Home  Influence, 

The  Mothers  Recompense. 

The  Days  of  Bruce 


Woman's  Friendship. 
The  Women  of  Israel. 
The  Vale  of  Cedars. 


Home  Scenes  and  Heart  Studies 

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GRANT  ALLEN. 
Babvlon.  \  For  Maimie^s  Sake. 


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This  Mortal  Coil. 
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F.  ANSTEY. 


Vice  Versa. 

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G.  W.   APPLETON. 

A  Terrible  Legacy.  I  Frozen  Hearts. 

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A  Recoiling  Vengeance. 
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WALTER  BESANT  AND  JAMES 


RICE. 


Seamy  Side. 


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(D 


NEW  AND   STANDARD   FICTION    (continued). 


RHODA  BROUGHTON. 


Cometh  Up  as  a  Flower, 

Not  Wisely,  but  Too  Well. 

Nancy. 

Good-bye,  Sweetheart ! 

Red  as  a  Rose  is  She. 

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Joan. 

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Belinda. 

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WILKIE   COLLINS. 
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JAMES   FENIMORE   COOPER. 
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(2) 


gravings  from  Drawings  by  F.  O.  C. 

DARLEY. 

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NEW   AND   STANDARD    FICTION  (continued). 


LIBRARY  EDITION. 


The  Sty. 

The  Pilot. 

The  Red  Rover. 

The  Deer  si  aver. 

The  Pathfinder. 

The  Last  of  the  Mohicans. 

The  Pioneers. 

The  Prairie. 

Lionel  Lincoln. 

Wept  of  Wish-ton-Wish. 

The  Water-Witch. 

The  Bravo. 

Mercedes  of  Castile. 

The  Two  Admirals. 

Afloat  and  Ashore. 

Miles  Wallingford. 

Complete  in  32  vols., 

Cooper's  Leather-Stocking  Tales.  The 
Last  of  the  Mohicans.— The  Deer- 
slayer.  -The  Pathfinder.— The  Pio- 
neers.—The  Prairie. 

i2mo  edition.     5  vols.,  cloth,  $5.00. 

Octavo  edition.  40  Illustrations  by 
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Wing-and-  Wing. 

Oak  Openings. 

Satanstoe. 

The  Chain-Bearer. 

The  Red-Skins. 

The  Crater. 

Homeward  Bound. 

Home  as  Found. 

Heiden  mauer. 

The  Headsman. 

Jack  Tier. 

The  Sea-Lions. 

Wyandotte. 

The  Monikins. 

Precaution. 

Ways  of  the  Hour. 
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Cooper's  Sea  Tales.  The  Pilot.— The 
Red  Rover.— The  Water-Witch.— 
Wing-and-Wing.— The  Two  Ad- 
mirals. 

i2mo  edition.     5  vols.,  cloth,  $5.00. 

Octavo  edition.  40  Illustrations  by 
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F.   MARION  CRAWFORD  AND  OTHERS. 


The  Broken  Shaft.  Tales  in  Mid- 
Ocean.  Told  by  F.  MARION  CRAW- 
FORD, R.  Louis  STEVENSON,  F. 
ANSTEY,  W.  H.  POLLOCK,  WILL- 
IAM ARCHER,  and  others. 


The    Witching-Time.      Tales   for  the 
Year's  End.    By  F.  MARION  CRAW- 
FORD and  others. 
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ERNEST   DAUDET. 
The  Apostate. 
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DANIEL    DEFOE. 
Life    and    Adventures    of   Robinson 

Crusoe.     Illustrated. 
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J.  W.    DE  FOREST. 
Author  of  "  The  Wetherel  Affair." 
The  Oddest  of  Courtships. 
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COMTE  DE  GOBINEAU. 
Romances  of  the  East. 

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JAMES   DE  MILLE. 

The  Lady  of  the  Ice.     Illustrated.         I  An  Open  Question.     Illustrated. 
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CHARLES   DICKENS. 


HOUSEHOLD  EDITION.  Complete  in 
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900  Illustrations. 

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HANDY- VOLUME  EDITION.  Illustrated. 

Complete  in  14  vols. 
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$10.50. 


(3) 


NEW   AND   STANDARD   FICTION   (continued). 


CHEAP  POPULAR  EDITION,  in  19  volumes. 


Pickwick  Papers. 
Nicholas  Nickleby. 
Martin  Chnzzlewit. 
Dombey  and  Son. 
David  Copperjield. 
Bleak  House. 
Little  Dorrit. 
Uncommercial  Traveller. 
Our  Mutual  Friend. 

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Old  Curiosity  Shop. 
Barnaby  Rudge. 

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Above  in  6 


Sketches. 
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Great  Expectations. 
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Tale  of  Two  Cities. 
The  Mystery  of  Ed-win  Drood. 

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American  Notes. 

i2mo,  paper,  15  cents. 


I 
vols.,  cloth,  $10.00. 


BENJAMIN   DISRAELI   (EARL  OF  BEACONSFIELD). 


Endymion. 

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paper,  75  cents. 
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Coningsby. 

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Lothair. 

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The  Young  Duke. 
Con  tar  mi  Fleming. 
Miriam  Alroy. 
Henrietta  Temple. 
Venetia. 
Tancred. 
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Jet. 
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MRS.   ANNIE    EDWARD ES. 

I  Vivian  the  Beauty. 
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S.  B.  ELLIOTT. 
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THOMAS  DUNN  ENGLISH. 
Jacob  Schuyler^s  Millions. 
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Brigadisr  Frederick. 
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ERCKMANN-CHATRIAN. 

I  Strange  Stories. 

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CARL  EMIL   FRANZOS. 
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ARCHBISHOP  FENELON. 
Adventures  of  Tclemachus.     Illus. 
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GEORGE   MANVILLE    FENN. 


The  Story  of  Antony  Grace. 

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Double  Cunning. 

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One  Maid^s  Mischief. 

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The  Bag  of  Diamonds. 

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OCTAVE   FEUILLET. 
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(4) 


NEW  AND   STANDARD   FICTION    (continued). 


MARGARET  FIELD. 
The  Secret  of  Fontaine-la-Croix. 
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R.  E.   FRANCILLON. 
Rare  Good  Luck. 
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J.  W.    FORNEY. 
The  New  Nobility. 
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GUSTAV   FREYTAG. 

The  Lost  Manuscript. 
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.  LADY  GEORGIANA   FULLERTON. 

Too  Strange  Not  to  be  True.     Illus.    I  A  Stormy  Life.     Illustrated. 
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Mrs.   Gerald's  Niece. 
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TIIEOPHILE  GAUTIER. 
Spirite. 

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DOROTHEA  GERARD. 
Orthodox. 
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THEO.  GIFT. 
Lil  Lorimer. 

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Red  Spider. 

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Eve. 

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OLIVER  GOLDSMITH. 

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S.   BARING-GOULD. 

Gabrielle  Andre". 

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HENRY    GREVILLE. 

Ariadne. 
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MAXWELL  GREY. 

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II.  R.  HAGGARD. 

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Dawn. 

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MYRA  SAWYER  HAMLIN. 
A  Politician^  Daughter. 
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WILLIAM    A.    HAMMOND,  M.  D. 

Lai.  A  Strong-minded  Woman. 

Doctor  Grattan.  On  the  Susquehanna. 

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(5) 


NEW  AND   STANDARD   FICTION    (continued). 

JULIAN    HAWTHORNE. 
Noble  Blood, 

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David  Poindexter's  Disappearance. 

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Constance,  and  Calbofs  Rival. 

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Bressant. 

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Garth. 

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Sebastian  Strome. 

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Mrs.   Gainsborough's  Diamonds. 
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PAUL   HEYSE. 
In  Paradise.  I  Tales. 

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Romance  of  the  Canoness. 
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WILHELMINE  VON  HILLERN. 
Geier-Wally. 
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A.  R.  HOPE. 

Homespun  Stories.     Illustrated. 
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The  Man  who  Laughs. 

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L'Homme  Qui  Rit. 

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VICTOR    HUGO. 

La  Mer  et  la  Nuit.     Premiere  Partie. 

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Par  Ordre  du  Roi.     Seconde  Partie. 

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EDWARD   JENKINS. 
The  Secret  of  her  Life. 
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HELEN    K.  JOHNSON. 
Raleigh  Westgate. 

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JULIA  KAVANAGH. 

Rachel  Grey. 

Seven   Years  and  other  Stories, 

Sybifs  Second  Love. 

Queen  Mab. 

John  Dorrien. 

The  Two  Lilies. 


Adele. 
Beatrice. 
Daisy  Burns. 
Grace  Lee. 
Madeline. 
Nathalie. 

12010,  cloth,  $1.25  each,  or  12  volumes  in  a  box,  $15.00. 
Dora.     Illustrated.  I  Silvia. 

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Bessie. 
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HENRY  F.  KEENAN. 

The  Money-Makers.  I  The  Aliens. 

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NATHAN   C.    KOUNS. 

Arius  the  Libyan. 
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NEW  AND   STANDARD   FICTION    (continued). 


J.   SHERIDAN   LE  FANU. 
The  Bird  of  Passage. 
i8mo,  paper,  25  cents. 


LE  SAGE. 

Adventures  of  Gil  Bias.     Illustrated. 
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RUDOLPH   LINDAU. 

Gordon  Baldwin,  and  The   Philosopher's  Pendulum. 

Liquidated,  and   The  Seer. 

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ETHEL  LYNN  LINTON. 
Misericordia. 

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PRINCE    LUEOMIRSKI. 
Safar-Hadgi. 

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Donovan. 
We  Two. 
Won  by  Waiting. 


EDNA   LYALL. 

Kn  ight-Erran  t. 
In  Hie  Golden  Days. 
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Autobiography 


of  a  Slander. 


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GEORGE    MAcDONALD. 
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Aunt  Kitty's  Tales. 

Charms  and  Counter-Charms. 

Two  Pictures. 


MARIA  J.   McINTOSH. 

Evenings  at  Donaldson  Manor. 

Two  Lives. 

The  Lofty  and  Lowly. 


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The  Fisherman  of  Auge. 
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Colonel  Enderby's  Wife. 

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Mrs.  Larimer. 

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KATHARINE   S.    MACQUOID. 


My  Story. 

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LUCAS    MALET. 

A  Counsel  of  Perfection. 

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Little  Peter,     illustrated. 

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CAPTAIN  MARRYAT,  R.  N. 

Midshipman  Easv. 
Pacha  of  Manv  Tales. 
The  Phantom" Ship. 
Snarleyow. 
Percival  Keene. 


Peter  Simple. 

Jacob  Faithful. 

Naval  Officer. 

King's  Own. 

Japhet  in  Search  of  a  Father. 

Newton  Forster. 

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CO 


NEW   AND   STANDARD    FICTION   (continued). 


The  Poison  of  Asps. 
8vo,  paper,  30  cents. 


Cherry  Ripe. 
8vo,  paper,  30  cents. 


FLORENCE  MARRYAT. 

I  No  Intentions. 
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My  Own  Child. 
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HELEN    B.    MATHERS. 

IComiri1  thro''  the  Rye. 
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JUSTIN   MCCARTHY  AND  MRS.  CAMPBELL-PRAED. 
The  Right  Honourable.  I  The  Ladies'1  Gallery. 

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Good  for  Nothing. 
Sarchedon. 
The  Gladiators. 
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G.  J.  WHYTE-MELVILLE. 
Cerise. 

The  Brookes  of  Bridlemere. 
White  Rose. 
Uncle  JoJm. 
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LOUISA   MtiHLBACH. 


Napoleon  and  the  Queen  of  Prussia. 
Illustrated. 

The  Empress  Josephine.     Illustrated. 

Napoleon  and  Bhicher.     Illustrated. 

Qiieen  Hortense.     Illustrated. 

Marie  Antoinette  and  her  Son.     Illus- 
trated. 

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